…I’m back, though.
Short post outlining what’s going to happen.
For one, since I’m back, I think I can rightly continue my, as it is now obvious, extremely stupid schedule of a post a day.
For two, since I’m back, I don’t think Silas or hourai are going to be posting here, ever again. Well, not really, seeing as I still see some drafts in the cooker, but I sense that ‘blackmailing author slaves’ isn’t a viable business model. This rather sucks, because my posts are rather one-faced (you’ll see I don’t game often), and other people’s posts are often more colourful, but, hopefully, some unlucky bastard will volunteer his soul-er, time, to help me craft THE LONGEST SENTENCE IN THE WORLD
For three, since I’m back, I need a while to just sit back and relax. You’ll note (no, you won’t) that I haven’t done any homework during my 17-day voyage, though that doesn’t really matter too much, seeing as skipping school for 17 days is already enough of an infraction :v
Finally, since I’m back, I intend to definitely make May the lowest view-count month of the ever – this week is already three times lower than the week before I left.
tl;dr (how is this long?!): I’m back.
Super Mario Galaxy. Sooooooooooooooooooooo-per Mah-ri-o Gal-axe-ee. (P. N.) “Super Mario Galaxy” refers to the commonplace Wii title of 2000-something (2006? 05?) in which a certain ubiquitous plumber goes off on a certain ubiquitous journey to rescue a certain ubiquitous (PROFANITY) from a certain ubiquitous turtle with an awesome shell. This particular installation in the “Mario” series differs from several other mainstream parts of said series in that it occurs in the evil depths of F(PROFANITY)ING SPACE, au contraire a la shitfeste, pardon moi Francais. This particular alien concept differs from most of these previous shitfestes (continue to pardon moi Francais: gain three Player and three Bomb, resets score and dooms thoust to est Bad Ending; ignore poor Francais: continue reading) in that one must deal with the constraints of 3-D platforming, a concept encountered only in Super Paper Mario, Super Mario Sunshine, Super Mario 64, Super Papier Mache Mario, Super Mario Darkness, Super Mario 65, Super Cellophane Mario, Super Mario Moonshine Drinking Contest Hur Hur Hurrrr, Super Mario 9001, Super Doot Mario, Super Super Super Super Mario Super The MovieGame, etc. Thus doing the “goomba hop” no longer translates to a bloody goomba-gut fest in which the player holds down the “jump” button while a consecutive line of spawning goombas emerge from a spawning warp pipe installed in the F(PROFANITY)ING side of the earthen wall to the right-wards side of the screen until said player reaches 99 lives and/or player runs out of time but rather transforms itself in to a Mario-gut fest with Mario consistently running into Goombas, a process not at all prevented by the poor implementation of the camera system. Nintendo, you a JERKKKKK
Super Mario Galaxy’s main story launches off with the entirely unpredictable opening in which a [Rude cross between the words "Bee" and "Ostrich"] of a Princess gets KIDNAPPERED by a Bowser the 108,489,139,047th. Bowser the one hundred and eight billion four hundred and eighty nine million one hundred thirty nine thousand and forty seventh differs from his 108,489,139,046 predecessors in that he chooses to employ a F(PROFANITYYYYYYYYY)ING fleet of FLYING-[Profane word here roughly translates to "Pair of Buttocks, singular form"] SAUCERS WITH
LAZYBOY RECLINERS attack Mushroom Kingdom. The (aliens?) recline in their LaZBoy [Profane word here translates to "Doots"] and bombard the M.Kingdom with large sound waves (See Heli Attack 3, “Soundwaave”.) in the shape of ZZZZZZs
LAZZZZZERS which then continue to separate the castle of said ["Female Dog"] before shooting huge ["Buttocks"] chains into the nice circle around the castle which was conveniently made by said lazers going “LAAAAZER” into the ground to make the nice circle around the castle which was conveniently made by said lazers going “LAAAAZER” into the ground to make the nice circle around the castle which was conveniently made by said lazers going “LAAAAZER” into the ground to make the nice circle, etc. until said castle is airlifted UP UP AND AWAY (insert manic drug-induced spree here- otherwise begin marathon of “Death Dice Overdose” :/)
Somehow, while UFOs coast away into the DEEP DARK SKY, Mario gets ON THE CASTLE AND DOESN’T FALL OFF. A few seconds after the previous statement no longer becomes true, Mario gets BLASTED OFF THE CASTLE AND SOMEHOW FALLS OFF BECAUSE HE GOT BLASTED OFF THE CASTLE BY AN ANGRY TURTLETHING WITH A BLUE ROBETHING AND A WANDTHING. MARIO FAINTED! DOO DOO DOO DOOOOOOO (ominous theme ensues).
After his untimely demise, the player discovers that Mario did not in fact come to an untimely demise, which is a pity because it would have been interesting to see Mario slowly be pulled into the evil gravity of THE EARTH and then transform into a freaking comet thing while burning to a CRISP HAHAHAHAHAHA (Sadism leveled up! DOOODODOODOODODODOOOOOOOO!)
…Anyway, for some unknown reason, Mario is ALIVE and DID NOT burn up into a crisp. He is met by a BUNNY who leads him to another 2 BUNNIES who then decide to play tricks with Mario’s mind by screwing up the climactic fun of the situation by playing HIDE AND SEEK. Several captive bunnies later, a hax cutscene unfolds containing explicit content. This is marked as “explicit” as the ridiculousness of the situation in said cutscene will most likely SHRIVEL YOUR BRAIN because of the genericness.
Skipping several minutes later, Mario enters a “dome”. The dome promptly explodes because said “Terrace” seriously dislikes colour red. Darn. Mario is not affected and dome promptly regenerates 0.1 seconds later. Black “Luma” begins lecture. Mario gets headache. MARIO SMASH. Mario points at a blue “sling” star. Mario floats. Mario sees a galaxy. Mario shoots himself into: GOOD EGG GAAAALAXY.
Very small black fine print: “Goomba infestation currently in progress”
After seeing the words, “WELCOME TO THE GALAXY”, Mario immediately embarks on a HEROIC ADVENTURE SPANNING YELLOW SPINNY THINGS until HE REACHES THE BOSS. This turns out to be a walking egg. Mario pisses off said egg of doom by smashing into it. Egg gets mad. Mad egg is MAD. MAD MAD MAD, the egg goes and subsequently evolves into a “DINO PIRANHA” thing and goes rampaging around the small planet hunting down a Mario, who spins into it round, sphere tail thing which, after several subsequent attempts, causes the thing to suffocate and explode into a power star. Mario continues to collect power stars until he has 120 of them. Then a Luigi comes out of nowhere and has to collect the same 120 stars. Again. After that, both plumbers must overcome teh evil easiness hardness of the world of GRANDMASTER GALAXY or something like that. Hurrah?
Then the game has no more playability…
[The article ends here.]