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O-NEG 5: Battlefield Heroes

Holy hell, a review! And not just any review, it’s a O-NEG review.


Battlefield Heroes is a game in which you shoot enemies and capture flags that control spawning. BFH is made for the PC platform/computer and is completely free. Download it somewhere, like the BFH website, which you can go Google it up, you completely lazy (All semi-inappropriate words to profane words have been censored with odd sounding rhymes.) [brass] [mole]. (Certain words in this O-NEG are in boldface to indicate that they are bold. No, seriously, they just are all the 1,000,000th visitor to this site.) [Duck] [shoe].

Gameplay: The Part Of The Game Which You Play

BFH is controlled by both mouse and keyboard. There are 7 (or so) maps in BFH, all with weird alliterative names (e.g. Sunset Showdown, Buccaneer Bay, Victory Village, etc.).

In 6 of these maps, the game works by the use of 4 flags (3 on Sunset Showdown) capturable by each team. If your owns a flag, respawning may happen in an area close to your flag, usually a flag that is a) closer to the center of the map, and b) on your team’s (either National [Axis] or Royal [Allied]) side of the map. Capturing the flag is done by standing within a certain radius of the flag, a process sped up by having other friendly units capture the flag simultaneously. Guns and other weapons of that type that can kill people are use to kill people, something accomplished by clicking or holding down LMB (Left Mouse Button). By being killed by the opposition, your team loses tickets, a number shown on the upper end of the screen. When a team reaches zero tickets, they lose (tickets begin at 50).

The other map with different rules is called Midnight Mayhem, in which your team must control the rocket, an object that blast off to (presumably) either Soviet Russia or Somewhere Royalish. Your team must control the rocket for a total of five nerve-breaking, hand-straining, etc. minutes to make it go (presumably) boom in either Soviet Russia or Somewhere Royalish. Gaining control of the rocket is as easy as standing close enough to the rocket and not dying until the colours on the rocket change. 88% out of a 100% O-NEG’S-HARDY-HAR-HAR (O-New’s Newest Egotist Gamers’ Sponsorship- Hourai’s Assortedly Random Derogatory Yttrium-Heaped Armed Red-Handed Appreciative Rating. I made that up on the spot O.o)

Guns: Things You Shoot People With

The guns of BFH are bought from the “store” of the game. This store accepts both in-game money and real money, but you can only use a weapon for a finite amount of time with Valour Points (in-game money earned from playing game). Weapons are all fairly balanced, barring Carl’s Cold Comfort (“That’s what she said!”) or Ludwig’s Loaded, due to the fact that these weapons suck [sock], because (note: both are identical) of both a [witty] damage and a [wucking] small clip of 6 bullets (Long Range pistols [Gerhart’s Greatest and Harry’s Hand Cannon] have 2 extra bullets and function like sniper rifles with improved range and firing speed, making them superior is most respects, while Short Range pistols [Florenz’ Flurry and Garrett Custom] have more bullets, incredible firing speed, and the quickly-unloaded clip of 12 bullets deals insane damage @ very close ranges). Some weapons will repetitively be killing you (and you will be swearing “[duck] you!” a lot), chief among them The Cheeser/The Backscratcher (Short Range MG), Pipsqueak’s Popper/Stephan’s Sharpshooter (High Recoil-High Damage Sniper Rifle), and Royal Super Knife/Konrad’s Uber Knife (knives.) You will also probably be killed by the improved/unimproved versions of these weapons, due to their improvements/unimprovements in power/lack of power.

Because you can’t keep guns without paying real money, the weapon system in this game is kinda lame; weps are temporary unless bought w/ BattleFunds, e.g. THINGS YOU HAVE TO BUY WITH REAL MONEY. EA, you [truckers]! Corporate greed. 73% out of a 100% O-NEG’S-HARDY-HAR-HAR.

Community People and Other Crap

First off, enemies level 1 through 5 are generally idiotic to Away From Keyboard in their skill, but upwards of that, opponents can get hard to beat. Also, there are no in-game moderators, albeit there being people using a “|ccc|” code in front of their username, turning it orange, but due to the fact that there are no admins in-game, they must be false… etc. Swearing is censored in-game, which prevents players from calling each other bleepers or motherbleepers. Smug egotists are expected. 73% out of a 100% O-NEG’S-HARDY-HAR-HAR.

Graphics and Pretty Pictures

Apparently, BFH is aimed at a younger audience, as there is no blood, no clean-slicing-of-people-in-exact-halves-after-being-wingclipped-which-is-really-fun-to-do, and no flat-people-that-have-been-roadkilled-which-is-also-fun-todo-to-other-people; the game’s recommended age is 16 though (I think). Graphics are kinda CARTOONY, but at “high” level of graphics the game looks decent. 70% out of 100%.


What plotline? N/A% out of 100%.


Get it if you don’t have any other FPS’ (note that BFH is a third person shooter) and have a decent internet connection. Hell, it’s free.

2 responses

  1. No blood?No shot-in-the-head-by-sawed-shotgun?But…that’s no fun…Nah I’ve seen the game befoure.It ain’t the thing for me,I am not gonna lie.I rather play me some Delta force.(Yeah the very first one.I bet that Im gonna have more fun with the pixelated grafics than this-“We are made out of paper” thingy.)

    2010/06/29 at 05:46

  2. houraiguy

    The Sawed-Off Shotgun in this game (Fredrich’s Fly Swatter/Stewart’s Shotty) has 10-ish rounds, REALLY fast firing speed (not automatic but pretty close), and crap accuracy. Damage is decent, but bullet spread reduces the ability to perform headshots with the weapon /.\

    Also, all weapons have infinite ammo, but you still need to reload them after emptying the clip.

    2010/06/29 at 23:24