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Black Lagoon: The Second Barrage Half Season Review

Black Lagoon: The Second Barrage is the… second season if Black Lagoon. It counts as another series but the episode listing continues from 13, not 1.

TENSHI!??!

We start hearing creepy children’s voices as they MURDER two of Hotel Moscow’s agents and MASSACRE everyone in some bar with a BATTLEAXE and M1918 BROWNING AUTOMATIC RIFLE. It is revealed that they have murdered SEVEN Hotel Moscow agents, ONE Triad agent, and ONE Italian Mafia agent. The leaders of the four largest factions in Roanapur (Hotel Moscow, Hong Kong Triad, Italian Mafia, Columbian Cartel) meet and realize that Balalaika

TURNED INTO A MUSHROOM

Balalaika ends the meeting revealing that she will PULVERIZE THOSE TWINS INTO A BLEEDING PILE OF DUST. She sets a bounty on the children, and swarms of people meet to kill; assassins, Revy, stupid people with guns, Revy, smarter people with guns, Revy, Eda, Revy, and…

fat policemen.

The children are obviously mentally ill as they’ve tortured a Hotel Moscow agent to death by shooting him in the knees, and then stabbing needles into his head.

The stupid thing is that that's what happened to other children they were with

But then things become REALLY, REALLY creepy when the sister takes off her hair and hands it to her brother; they’ve basically switched personae. Not only do they switch their hair, they change voices, clothes, and weapons. WHAT

"Yay! Thank you for the very nice disembodied head! I shall enjoy this meal!"

However, the line from SEVERE CREEPINESS to DOWNRIGHT SCARILY DISTURBING is only crossed when their backstory is revealed. Balalaika STEALS Rowan (the guy with the afro)’s TWO HUNDRED AND FIFTY CHILD PORNOGRAPHIC FILMS so that she can enjoy them.

U SAD

Which was what she was doing when Revy and Rock came last time. Eventually after much torture she found the twins, named “Hänsel” and “Gretel”. Here’s where it gets confusing – the original “Hänsel” (with the battleaxe) is now “Gretel”, and the original “Gretel” is now “Hänsel”. God knows how many times they’ve switched before ’cause I don’t even want to think about it.

They have bad tastes for date locations

They were originally Romanian back when it was illegal to abort. Because their family was poor, they sent them to orphanages. The orphanages forced them to participate in… unsightly activities (of which would consist of the content of certain… films), including watching their “caretakers” beat other children to death or murdering those children themselves. Obviously, eventually they became mentally deranged, sadistic murderers.

"You have no chance to survive make your time."

Verrocchio, the leader of the Italian Mafia, recruited “Hänsel” and “Gretel” to MURDER Balalaika and Chang, but… well…

"It looks like... HE DIED. YEAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"

“Hänsel” and “Gretel” break out of the building where Chang is waiting for them; but Chang had not enough forces so the twins escape.

Meanwhile, Eda, Revy, and a bunch of random gangsters are waiting in a hotel for the twins to appear.

THE TWINS APPEAR IN A CAR and the gangsters overkill it.

THEY ALREADY FIRED A FREAKING RPG

But obviously, the twins aren’t that dumb; those were distractions.

They proceed down side alleys where a Hotel Moscow squad ALWAYS APPEARS. Being somewhat stupid, they don’t realize they’re falling into a very, very, well-placed trap.

moneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoneymoney

Not even Hotel Moscow can predict the appearance of Revy and Eda who want to kill the twins themselves, however, their squad fires upon everyone.

FIREFLY SIGN "COMET ON EARTHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"

The twins split up; one to KILL Eda and one to KILL Balalaika (it’s a trap!).

As one of them approach Balalaika to KILL her, she reveals it all – EVERYTHING WAS A TRAP. Like, 10 snipers on different buildings surround them and shoots the twin in the leg.

NOOOOOOOO THERE'S AN ANT ON MY FOOT

The twin reveals that s/he and his/er brother/sister aren’t actually “Hänsel” and “Gretel”; they’re a pair of twins, who both have dissociative identity disorder. As s/he is left to bleed to death (while Balalaika watches), s/he repeatedly changes voices between “Hänsel” and “Gretel”.

Surmounting one last effort, s/he attempts to throw his/er battleaxe at Balalaika; but his/er hand is shot off.

S/HE CAN REGENERATE BY COLLECTING HIS/ER BLOOD OFF THE GROUND AND CREATING A NEW HAND

The Black Lagoon takes the other twin and attempts to carry him/er to safety.

Their getaway driver shoots him/er.

The Hänsel and Gretel arc is over.

For Science!

Greenback Jane is some money counterfeiting person, working for some Floridan people. The Floridan people MURDER her PERSONAL SERVANT and so she lifts some washing machines and runs away.

U MAD

Roanapur is suckish so she runs to the CHURCH OF VIOLENCE which she doesn’t know is a CHURCH OF VIOLENCE. Eda and Revy are DRINKING BEER AND SUCH when the Floridan mafia decide to shoot at the church.

The residents of the church aren’t very happy with this and massacre the mafia ’cause they now have a M60 MACHINEGUNNER.

From right to left: Pistol, Pistol, A FREAKING M60 MACHINEGUN, Pistol! Which one is the odd one out?

After not getting any help from the church, Jane storms out and goes to a hotel.

That Eda told her to go to.

The Floridan mafia wants the money, so a cowboy, “GROOVY GUY” RUSSEL goes to the YELLOW FLAG to recruit people.

Not this guy though. Wait, how'd he fit in a suitcase?!

Among them are Shenhua, SAWYER the Cleaner (a chainsaw-wielding girl who had her throat slit open so can’t speak), Claude “TORCH” Weaver (some fat pyromaniac with an affinity towards flamethrowers), and Rotton “the WIZARD” (some n00b with a Mauser C96).

Anyways, Eda informed the bounty hunters of Jane’s hotel and shows everyone her awesomeness at leeching money through traps and such.

U SHOCK

She’s apparently used the room 7 times before with well-placed posters telling the… victim where to go. Eventually, the victim will get to their car, in which case Eda can GET A MILLION DOLLARS OFF OF HER.

Death is that way

The bounty hunters realize that the job will be much harder with Eda and Revy involved. They speed towards the Black Lagoon so that they can escape, but..

..it’s gone.

Thus, they have to HAVE A LAST STAND AGAINST THE VARIOUS ZOMBIE HORDES RIGHT INSIDE THEIR DOCKSIDE HOUSE

And the fight is on.

You could've just knocked...

Some guy Gatling-guns the door, but Eda and Revy appear and kill the two pistol-guards and shoot the Gatling gun, which is forced to retreat. The hunters hide behind Benny’s car, which soon after explodes to Benny’s chagrin.

As Revy and Eda take care of the front attackers, TOM SAWYER APPEARS, EXCEPT HE’S A GIRL AND SHE HAS A CHAINSAW.

I HAVE A BOOKSHELF AND I'M NOT AFRAID TO USE IT

While they’re fighting, Jane goes down to the dock to try to escape, but is confronted by TORCHWEAVER, who has a TORCH and is WEAVING it.

Eda gets some sort of rocket launcher and… rocket launches some people. Rock and Jane flee up to the roof where they won’t be rocket launched at, while Eda and Revy are trapped ’cause of snipers. Torchweaver sets the dock exit on fire as well.

IT'S OFFICER WATSUP

Just when things couldn’t get worse, Shenhua appears and SNIPES Revy from outside the house. Revy and Eda deduct that she’s on a duct (yay for rhymes) and shoot her off the duct. BUT SHENHUA PLANNED THAT AND TIES A ROPE AROUND EDA’S NECK. Sawyer then appears and Revy has to deal with that, leaving Eda… pretty much dead.

"But... I'm the nun."

BUT REVY PLANNED THAT AS WELL, BREAKS THROUGH ANOTHER WINDOW, AND SHOOTS SHENHUA. Shenhua dodges BECAUSE SHE PLANNED THAT, and knifes Revy with her Sakuya-skills. As she’s about to knife Revy again, EDA SHOOTS SHENHUA BECAUSE SHE PLANNED THAT.

What.

Sawyer goes to the roof to CHENSAW Rock and Jane, but she loses her.. voice device thing and becomes emo.

;_; ...my... voice.. control.. machine... ;_;

The roof collapses due to the fire below and the house is COMPLETELY DESTROYED. COMPLETELY.

The WIZARD takes this chance to appear for all of 5 seconds, ’cause Revy shoots him and he falls to the ground before he even raises his gun.

U ROTTEN

He wakes up after that (cause he wears Kevlar) and drags Shenhua and Sawyer to the hospital ’cause he nice n’ all dat yo.

THE BOAT COMES and the team jumps on it. But several other people jump on it as well…

Hourai "FUJIYAMA VOLCANOOOOOOOOOOOOOO"

To knock most of them off, Dutch turns the boat really, really fast.

"But they've already been knocked off..."

Eventually, Torchweaver gets shot and becomes team ROCKET. GET IT? ROCKET?

Eda confronts RUSSELL down in the cabin and reveals that she works for the CIA.

EDA?!?!

Benny and Jane, being hackers, decide to do random stuff.

HaXXXorz

And finally at the end, everyone decides to…

Yukkuri shiteitte ne!

I was just thinking about what Black Lagoon reminded me of, and I realized – Detective Conan. Not that being a detective and BEING SOME BADASS GUY WIELDING DUAL PISTOLS ON A FREAKING TORPEDO SHIP have anything in common, but their plot-styles are the same. You have this really, really bad plot overfitting everything – In Conan’s case, “I WANT TO GET TALLER LOLOLOL” and in Black Lagoon… well, I really don’t know. It would have been “I WANT TO LIVE A NORMAL LIFE” but he doesn’t. So then what? Iunno. That’s why I said, the plot is really, really bad.

On top of that plot you have a metric shit-ton of characters. First the main characters that you hear of EVERY SINGLE EPISODE/CHAPTER. Then the secondary/recurring characters (for Conan it would the Black Organization, for Black Lagoon, Balalaika et al.). Finally you have those one-time characters that you will NEVER, EVER SEE EVER AGAIN (Conan: every single case character, Black Lagoon: well… Ratchman?).

And finally, on top of those characters you have sectioned plotlines – for Conan, each case is a separate, unconnected plot and for Black Lagoon, each mission is a separate, unconnected plot.

Hmm… separate, unconnected plot. What could this sound like?

Angel Beats, obviously. In AB!, when they finished a main baddie, the team’d automatically go on to another baddie that was never introduced before (ahem programmer ahem). For Black Lagoon, it’s somewhat the same. Take The Second Barrage as an example. First you have 3 episodes dealing with Hansel and Gretel. Then, you have 3 episodes dealing with Greenback Jane. They have absolutely nothing in common, and you introduce characters in every one of them. For Hansel and Gretel it’s the Italian mafia, and for Greenback Jane those bounty hunters (and that priest with the M60).

Though Angel Beats didn’t reveal its really, really, bad plot until the penultimate episode, I’m hoping that Black Lagoon will just cut to the chase and tell us, what’s /really/ going on.

Black Lagoon’s still somewhat unrealistic (why didn’t Chang chase after Hansel and Gretel? Surely he can run faster, especially if Gretel is holding a gun that’s larger than s/he is), but oh well. The badassery makes it worthwhile. More realistic than certain other shows (cough Bleach cough), as in Black Lagoon people actually die (Ratchman, Torchweaver, Hansel and Gretel) at least.

…Back to marathoning, I guess.

4 responses

  1. Eri

    The last two pictures can probably sum up the whole meaning of Black Lagoon xD

    2010/07/09 at 14:33

  2. And guns. Don’t forget the guns.

    2010/07/09 at 22:50

  3. Eri

    Depends on how you use them XD (I didn’t say that…)

    2010/07/12 at 05:35

  4. *facepalm*

    2010/07/12 at 17:02