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HELL-O: (Hourai’s Evil List of Lethargy on O-New) Awesome Weapons in Games Part 4

I’m running out of ideas~  ‘~’

THIS IS THE LAST PART OF THIS LIST HAHAHAHAHA I WILL BE FREED FROM THE PUNY SHACKLES OF RESPONSIBILITY

Number 3: The Black Hole Generator (HeliAttack 3; PC (Flash))

What: This huge-*** gun does not shoot bullets. It does not shoot missiles, bullets, lasers, boomerang blades, corrosive goo, sparks, or shotgun shells. No. See “Why”.

How: Something along the lines of what makes pretty much every freaking gun work. HAXSHENANIGANSANDEVERYTHING. Who really cares, though? IT’S AWESOME.

Why: It shoots black holes. This is no microscopic LHC black hole producer. This makes BLACK HOLES. This kills anything on screen. Excludes you. Screen shake added! This black hole is like 5 yous tall. IT RIPS THROUGH HELICOPTERS LIKE BUTTER KNIFES THROUGH BUTTER.

SON OF A BLEEPING BLEEP FEST

Actually, the BHG does not create all the bullets, arrows, or grenades in that picture. Those were there just for show. The ominous black shadows in the middle of all this is a BLACK HOLE that will ABSORB all those loverly things into it, thus removing all the lag. The arrows specifically prove that that guy is EIRIN

Numeros 2: The Experimental MIRV (Fallout 3; PC, XBox 360, PS3)

Yeah, we already did a post with a weapon from FO3.

[grand, epic speech]

TO HELL WITH RULES

FOR TONIGHT I MAKE AN EXCEPTION TO REPETITION RESTRICTIONS

TONIGHT, SPARTANS, WE DINE IN HELL IN THIS HELL-O WHILE EATING JELL-O

[/idiocy]

Because this is awesome. Also, to hell with the “Why:” and “What:” and “How:” columns.

Earlier in this game, you will occasionally find a “Fat Man” off somewhat tough enemies. Remember Hiroshima? Yes, references are great UNLESS THEY’RE HISTORICAL in which case [hyena] THEY’RE HYSTERICAL [/squeaking]. Even earlier from that point, you will notice items referred to as “Mini-Nukes”. Also, these items are quizzically organized in the “Ammunition” category. You may, at this point, wonder what these ammunition items are for, excluding selling (these are rare and sell for a LOT). That is where the Fat Man does. It shoots these mini-nukes. To hell with this “mini-” prefix, these things make pretty big explodershuns. AND THEY HURT. The only problems with M-Ns:

1. They are rare,

2. They can hurt you with their insane splash radii, and

3. They are not as big as the nuke in Megaton, which is taller AND fatter than YOU (you can’t get fat >.>).

Because of 1., M-Ns run out quickly.

And then the E-MIRV comes in.

The E-MIRV is not so mere as to be able to be found off mere mortal enemies. No, you must (practically) go through HELL (not the Deathclaw Sanctuary, where you can find medic power armour) to find 5 “Keller Family Transcripts”, and then venture through this weird building for a long time until you reach a freaking terminal that will only let you past with the passwords in the transcripts… AND THEN YOU FINALLY GET THE MIRV (with bonus nukes!)

What is different from the Fat Man and the Experimental MIRV? For a start, the E-MIRV is more powerful. How art thissa a-being a-possible-a? After all, the Fat Man shoots a NUKE. Hint: Shotgun rain with radioactive properties.

This is no mere shotgun that fires a petty 3, 4, 5, 6, or 3.1415926535… bullets. No. This fires 1 WHOLE MINI-NUKE.

…Of course, we were talking about the Fat Man back there. The MIRV shoots 8 nukes. HECK YEAH. You have like a 50% percent chance of killing yourself every time you fire the [PROFANITY]ing weapon, just because of splash. Awesome sauce is awesome, shotguns, and Experimental MIRVs. I’m sure the only thing it CAN’T take out in one shot is Liberty Prime >.>

Number 1

Drumrolllllllllllllllllll

Dramatic pause

Imperial March music here

Number 1: The Smash Ball (Super Smash Bros. Brawl; Wii)

Yes, you’re prolly thinking about how a glowy orb not much bigger than Sonic’s oversized, bobblehead-esque head can be better than

  • The Rock-It Launcher (#10)
  • The Last Word Spellcards (#9)
  • Mario’s Boots (#8) (These might have been higher up if not for the fact that they didn’t have spikes)
  • The Seeker (#7)
  • The Kasimov SNV-E99 (#6)
  • The Chandelier of Awesome (#5) (Also want spikes for this one)
  • The Portal Gun (#4)
  • The Black Hole Generator
  • The Experimental MIRV

But it is. Because it’s

  • A pair of gloves with magic pixie dust (Mario)
  • A forcefield (Luigi)
  • A pair of drums (Donkey Kong)
  • Three tanks (Fox, Falco, Wolf)
  • A electric field of hell (Pikachu)
  • An upgraded laser cannon (Samus)
  • Poke-Steroids (Short-Term) (Jigglypuff)
  • Mutation (Temporary) (Ganondorf)
  • Power Level Over 9000-ers (Lucario)
  • A Jetpack (Diddy Kong)
  • Dragon Drugs (Yoshi)
  • A racing vehicle (Blue Falcon, GO!) (Capt. Falcon)
  • A mob (King Dedede)
  • A suit of armour (Zero Suit Samus)
  • More Steroids (Longer Lasting!) (Bowser)
  • A set of ink blobs (Mr. Game and Watch)
  • A critical hit (Marth)
  • A flaming sword (Ike)
  • A Helicopter (AC 130?) with a Grenade Launcher (Snake)
  • A Pokemon Rare Candy Bundle (three quintillion, ten quadrillion, three hundred eighty five trillion, twenty-eight billion, four hundred ninety-five million, eight hundred seventy-four thousand seven hundred fifty-one Rare Candies rolled into one! *Temporary Effects) (Pokemon Trainer)
  • Two Bows with A Light Arrow For Each One (Zelda and Sheik)
  • A rocket ship (Olimar)
  • 7 “Chaos Emeralds” (Sonic, you jerk)

Etc, etc. Course, them’s not the REAL names, but STILL.

I mean, that thing is all of those things. Most notably the tanks.]

And that is an incentive of awesome.

HELL-O FINISH

2 responses

  1. houraiguy

    And you can see that guy in the picture just RARIN to start dancin’ to Thriller. Also, the chaingun shots (the yellow streaks) make a fist. I think.

    2010/07/19 at 04:54

  2. UNZAN PUNCH

    2010/07/20 at 17:19