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Arbitrary Definition: “Mario” IN HD

In HD. Inn Aych-Dee (adj.) As in, lots of talking.

Mario. Mah-ri-o (p. n.) “Mario” is a word used in conjunction with the existence of a particular plumber who enjoys wearing red-hued garments or large overalls and dealing out justice to the evil scum that clogs up pipes, most notably toilet pipes. This (“) dictionary (“) assumes this confidently, going on the fact that Mario is a plumber, and that plumbers clean pipes with their trusty plumber plungers, and that in the junior editor’s experience, the only pipe that seriously needs unclogging is the toilet pipe. “Mario”, in conjunction with the word “game(s)”, can also refer to a (series of) game(s) in which the aforementioned character goes all “Terminator” or,  in other circles, “Mokou” (Mokou is just SLIGHTLY more evil than Youmu <.>) on a variety of evil characters, most of them being turtles or mushrooms. As Mushy, the senior editor of this dictionary, likes mushrooms, and the junior editor says, quote on quote,

“I LIKE TURTLES”

this is occasionally seen as BLOODY GRAPHIC VIOLENCE by several members of the gaming community (See The Armory: Mario’s Feet on IGN). The aforementioned plumber, in these games, does not seem to actually do any plumbing in this game; if you think about this, this is odd; why else would you put a freaking plumber into a game; I mean you could totally go for a prince or say a junior editor; and instead of this weird-sounding name like “Mario”, you could very possibly change it to something more fancy, such as “Houraiguy” or “Houraiguy”; and instead of having ABSOLUTELY NO [action that main character does for his main job, which is not saving princesses D:<], the main character could actually do his job, which would be to DELETE THE HECK OUT OF paragraphs like these;

for;

having;

too;

many;

semi-colons. :P

At this point, several readers of the Encyclopedia Arbitraria et Stupidia et Onewica may question the use of the occupation “junior editor”, seeing that this occupation would not exactly “fit the bill” in many readers’ minds. However, the direct lack of an abundance of occupations where the, to be somewhat direct/blunt, repeated SQUASHING and FLATTENING of various animated mushrooms with tusks and over-sized eyes as well as the kicking of various rainbow-coloured shells belonging to frightened bipedal turtles that, as of late, perform a jig right out of the blue, means that frankly any occupation is open for this position. If the Terminator had gone “You must beh TURMINAYTED” and flew thirty bajillion feet up in the air before zooming down at speeds in excess of 31415926 bajillion kilometres a second to “TURMINAYT” its target, then the Terminator, as a job, would be choice for this job, seeing as the junior editor would rather not induce the wrath of demented dive-bombing steel hunks with red eyes.

In early installations of so-called “Mario” games, the plumber from a place known as the “Mushroom Kingdom”. Why Mario is not plumbing happily in some godforsaken corner of this area is unclear. If we study the storyline, a typical and generally unvarying thing amongst these “games”, it seems that a “Princess Peach” has been kidnapped by the “evil” Bowser. This may help clear up the question of how why Mario was chasing Princess Peach. Perhaps Mario had a relationship with the Princess. It is becoming, with increasing amounts of confirmation by renowned “scientists” (A.K.A Junior editors Me, Myself, I, and Houraiguy), that a possible alternate theory may have been the cause of all this “OH SH*T THE PRINCESS-A CAN STOLERD-A BY A BIG TURTLE WITH SPIKES NOW I HAVE TO RUN-A AFTER THE PRINCESS-A”. This theory is as follows:

“Mario, using the more illegal services of Princess Peach, is behind on his payments to her for her services. After the Princess is dragged away by the spikey turtle, Mario futilely hopes to be redeemed from his debts. After 7 mysterious AND TOTALLY NOT AT ALL REPETITIVE NO NOT AT ALL cryptic messages from mushroom-headed beings with short legs and blue shirts in several Evil Turtle TM castles and a CONFRONTATION with the TURTLE OF SPIKEY DOOM, Mario thinks, stupidly, that the Princess will eradicate his debts to her. She doesn’t. Then, two seconds after the Princess arrives back in her castle, she is stolen by a clone of the EVIL SPIKEY TURTLE. Repeat.”

After the robbery of his Princess, the plumber of Kingdom Hearts a la Mushroom sets off on a JOURNEY. This plumber, in addition to having unprotected *** episodes, also takes drugs. Along his journey to slide down about 30 flagpoles, he encounters four different types of drugs. The first one of these drugs is a large mushroom the size of Mario. This mushroom, when taken, appears to act like instant steroids, doubling his height. The second drug, which oddly only seems to appear when the plumber is at a “two head proportion” (See: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-D1Gr7fM_2w), creates a puffball explosion in which the plumber’s colour palette appears to have been swapped. The third type of drug is a bouncing star. You can tell this star is a “good” guy because it is running away from Mario, who is obviously bad. Another sneaky sign of the drugginess of this star is that is bouncing. This strar will never stop bouncing unless it falls down a pit or is eaten by Mario, who then turns into a Shiny Mario, who is then sought after eagerly by Ash Ketchum, or at least until Mario stops shining ten seconds later. Oddly, whilst the plumber of sparkly overalls bounces off to the next flagpole/toad with the message of “YOU PRINCESS IS OVAR THAIR HUR HUR GO AHED”, he tends to fall in bottomless pits increasingly often, probably because Shiny Mario is increasingly cocky during the duration of this drug. A final drug is another member of the “OH SHOOT MARIO IS COMING TO EAT ME RUN AWAYYY –omnomnommed” family, the One Upius Mushroomius Fungus Thingamajigger. This mushroom seems to carry the detrimental message of “GET A LIFE, MARIO”, or so it’s oddly green soul claims (“1UP”).

At this point, it seems like a good idea to note that Mario, unlike most proper plumbers, uses two sorts of weapons. Unlike conventional Italian plumbers, who would normally attack bipedal mushrooms and turtles with colourful language, chlorela infected waters, and their Trusty Plunger Of Emptying That Toilet Pipe TM, Mario primarily uses a pair of boots and a pair of gloves. These boots must be the same as the ones used by Link (See: “Link”), as few other objects would allow the user to flatten a mushroom with legs into a brown/blue blur with the only memento of this evil gore fest being a white series of letters/numbers rising from where the mushroom once stood, presumably the soul of the “Goomba”. Oddly, these “souls” seem to be either a multiple of 100 or the message “1UP“. Goombas, therefore the Junior Editor concludes, must be weird.

After conquering a number of these enemies, the plumber inevitably stumbles into a grand castle with a lot of white bricks. After dodging a number of fatal oranges smudges, the plumber will always encounter Bowser, who can only be defeated by touching an axe-like lever that causes the bridge, in a Megaman-like effect, disappear into what was thought to be a pit of lava, but has now been revealed to be a portal to the next castle, where Bowser waits through several levels, randomly breathing fiery smudges of doom across his next castle while trying  not to touch the axe-lever.

For more information, see the “Super Mario Galaxy” entry.

Discussion Questions

1. Why is Mario’s mustache so dumb-looking? Cite examples.

2. Why does Bowser want Princess Peach? Is he under her debt too? Explain.

3. Isn’t Lakitu a freaking annoying *******************? Why or why not?

6 responses

  1. MOKOU EVIL?Noooooooo…she is just…misunderstood by people.And besides she is super cool-She have FIRE!She is immortal!She hates Kaguya!Her panties cannot be captured by Aya’s camera!And…um…she have long silver hair!YAY!

    Question answers:

    1.There are no razor blades in Gens..I mean Mushroom kingdom.
    2.Um…princess peach is the only female in the Mushroom kingdom and Bowser is against homosexuality.
    3.If you think that,then think about from WHERE he get’s all the spines.(Answer is with 3 letters.)

    2010/07/24 at 22:36

  2. http://www.brawlinthefamily.com/?p=625

    Sorry had to do it

    2010/07/24 at 23:32

  3. houraiguy

    This obviously does not stop her from trying to run me over with huge phoenixes (Immortal “Fire Bird- Flying Phoenix”) that I have suddenly lost my knack of dodging.

    2010/07/25 at 00:27

  4. @Mushyrulez: That comic has Adeleine! I haven’t seen her in forever! Which is a shame because she’s awesome.

    And, hey, things could always be worse with Mario. He could actually DO his job in the games. I imagine it would be something like the Super Mario Bros. Super Show. >.>;

    Answers to questions:
    1. Because a not dumb-looking mustache is outlawed in the Mushroom Kingdom*.
    2. No, no, no. See, this is a common misconception. See, Bowser doesn’t kidnap Princess Peach. Princess Peach captures Bowser. She then keeps him locked up in a cage while she makes herself at home in his castle ordering his minions about and setting up elaborate traps for the Mario Brothers. Then, just before Mario makes it to Bowser’s Castle she lets Bowser out and locks herself in the cage. Mario makes the obvious assumption that Bowser did it and the rest is history.
    3. Ice fairies.

    *See ‘Mushroom Kingdom Facial Growths Act of 33:33’ Section ‘Yes, this is an actual law’ Subsection ‘Who told you otherwise? They were obviously lying!’ Clause ‘Wait, what?’

    2010/07/25 at 01:37

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