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Pokemon: A Rant-y Post Of Fun


Pokemon is one of the most well-known (like the most well-known) RPGs out there, like Final Fantasy, except there’s blood in FF and FF characters actually have hair, which also happens to be sticking out at awkward angles, unlike Pokemon, where many Pokemon are bald (e.g. Pikachu, Bulbasaur, Charmander, Baldamon*).

Pokemon’s a great game and all that (this pretty much marks the end of the period where anything positive will be said), but it seems somewhat stupid at times.

Good Points of Pokemon Stupidity

Point 1: On Attacks

Basically, attacks are pathetic, inaccurate, or overpowered. Usually inaccurate. And the AI is even worse/crueller.

Sub-Point 1.1: On Pathetic-icity

At the beginning of the game, you get a PKM (this is the abbreviation for Pokemon I’m using… alternately it can mean PKM, which means either a machine gun of somewhat cheapness in a certain game or “Promised Kanuushi Master” [“Promised Kanuushi” is a card in Magic: the Gathering which costs 1 forest mana to play and has 7 freaking SoulShift [When PK is killed, take a Spirit monster with total converted mana cost of 7 or less and place it in your hand], which means that an untimely destruction of this Creature can mean that your opponent might get his Arashi the Sky Asunder or Jiwari the Earth Aflame back [Both are evil Legendary Creatures. They don’t call them legendary for a reason!], which will almost certainly have you cry some variant of “YOU’VE GOT TO BE [Varying expletive here]ING ME!”, and that would damage your ears, so don’t kill that PK], where the PKMaster has like 4 Promised Kanuushis on the field as well as two Briarknit Kamis and both aforementioned Legendaries in his graveyard AND your opponent’s deck happens to be a Spirit-based deck, or PKMaster as in PsychoKinetic [e.g. Ness or Lucas in SSBBrawl] Midget.) that is Fire/Water/Grass type. Right after you pick your PKM, your MAIN rival appears and says “want battle you battle battle battle battle hahahaha I has effective type PKM hahahahaha u sux-” (At this point Professor [species of tree] would ideally smash this doofus in the head with the remaining Pokeball (that stays there forever) and shut him/her up, with the uber cool exclamation of “BOOM! Overkill Extermination!”** ***, but because PKM is naturally child-oriented, there is no major violence (Yes, there is Mega Punch, but that doesn’t count because the animation for that is basically a random fist-like thing changing size.) after which the Epic Rival Battle Happens.

It’s worth noting that your starter PKM has two attacks. One is a variant of Scratch (e.g. Tackle, Pound, etc.), the other is a buff or a debuff (Growl, Tail Whip, Howl, Harden, Defense Curl, Get Better, Make Worse, etc.). So basically, you win by SPAMMING your attack (buffing is not an attack), oh, and maybe once or twice using the (de?)buff move. If you’re unlucky, you will miss/your opponent will crit alot. Usually you win. :/.


That’s how easy it is (Note: in Emerald/Sapphire/Ruby edition, you got the chance to grind up on some Pokemanz a bit before the First Epic Rival Battle. You didn’t get any good experience off of this, because all of them were level 2-3 and your PKM is level 5 =,=). I recall another incident of patheticity (Most of the PKManz I played were Emerald/Sapphire/Ruby edition- mostly Emerald): I went over to Rustboro…er… something… City, where you fight your FATHER, Anakin Skywalker Darth Vader Norman, who interestingly and totally unguessably deals in (you guessed it) Normal PKManz (Lt. Surge = Electric [An old cranky soldier], Flannery**** = Fire [PERFECTLY SANE teenager], Roxanne = Rock [Keine’s other identity], Brawly = Fighting [Martial Artist], etc.). So I was pretty paranoid and went and GRINDED my PKMs into Killer Awesome Killers and entered The Gym Of Norman. I killed defeated one trainer, left the gym, used the PKMCenter, went back in, defeated another trainer, etc. until EVERY TRAINER BUT THAT EVIL BOSS WAS DEFEATED HAHAHAHAHA

Then I ground (that’s the past tense of grind, right?) some more.

So then I come back to Norman’s Gym, walk through all those doors, and reach him. I pull out my Combusken, and I don’t have to switch out any of my PKM. Combusken does not faint. Combusken beats the crap out of the Vigoroth, Spinda, and Linoone without trouble apart from the annoying Totter Dance that really sucked. Combusken beats them up in one/two hits using Double Kick. Slakoth is slightly harder because of more health and the move Facade. BUT HE STILL GETS OWNED EASILY.

Fail on my part. Anticipation fail. But still.


Sub-Point 1.2: On Enemy AI

It’s stupid. For one, this is a more-or-less direct quote from a Walkthrough of Pokemon FireRed:

“Oh no. My Charmeleon’s Electric power has been weakened. However will I beat this Geodude? My electric attacks will be useless! Oh wait, I thought for a second there that Charmeleon was a Fire-type. My bad.” -SSoHPKC

This is regarding the move “Mud Sport”. Sure, Mud Sport might be useful in the battle with Lt. Surge, as it halves all Electric Attack power during the battle, but is that really helpful anywhere else? Even if I don’t have a Manectric on me, every single Geodude will go “MudSportMudSportMudSportMudSportMudSport” in a frenzied fashion. Likewise, Water Sport.

Then, there’s Harden and company. These moves get SPAMMED by the Bug-Pokemon-of-the-Edition-that-evolve-at-like-level-8-or-so, because wild Kakunas/Metapods/Cascoons/etc. only know Harden. Thus, it is a PAIN IN THE HIZZOUSE to faintify these Pokemon, because they’ll keep hardening and hardening until their Defense can’t go any higher. *****

Again, the “Harden” principle applies to Sand-Attack and Mud-Slap. If you get hit by one of these, your accuracy is bad enough, but doing it from 2 hits is plain ridiculous. Then, the PKM always does it at least 4 times, so you have to switch to another Pokemon, who gets sand in their eyes, and so on… (“At least it doesn’t do damage…” and then you come to Mud-Slap, which actually does do damage [at least not much damage…]), but only has 15 PP, which means NOT MUCH SPAMMING OPPORTUNITY FOR YOU but because of the unlimited spawning of wild PKMs, plenty of spamming for them.

Also, certain PKM (e.g. Plusle, Minum) like to use “Helping Hand”. This does nothing unless in a “dual” battle, but these idiots use it outside of said type of battles. Really? REALLY?

In addition to this, opponent Trainers tend to have repeats of a single type of Pokemon. This would be understandable, if, say, it was an Eevee or a Mew (cannot be caught under regular circumstances ahem), because THEY BE AWESOME, but you’ll see 4 Caterpies (Lv. 21) go into the Grinder in a Battle With The Charmeleon Of Doom, apparently due to the reasoning that “Hmm, the first Caterpie didn’t beat him. There must be something wrong with it. Oh well, time to send in the next Caterpie.”****** This reasoning would work if not for several important main facts:

  1. The Caterpie is they send out next is the same level OR LOWER.
  2. The Caterpie is usually what is called a “One Hitter Quitter”, A. K. A. Dead Caterpie, leading to the fact that
  3. The previous Caterpie did no damage whatsoever. A Nidoran would be acceptable, because at least it has the Poison Point ability (certain attacks done by enemy may cause enemy’s poisoning). But still.

Maybe it’s just more PKM obsession purposes. But in that case, the Trainer would be a PokeManiac.

Also, Murphy’s Law is more powerful than the PKM Police force in Pokemon. The Police force must be pretty weak in PKM to be beaten by Team Rocket/Aqua/Magma/Galactic/Boogaloo/WhateverTheDarnItIsIDon’tKnow,Jeez, especially when Rocket’s members tend to have RATTATAS. RATTATAS, I tell you! These may be Lv. 21 Rattatas, but that doesn’t stop them from getting splooshed by a Lv. 28 Charmeleon Of Doom. (This was fixed in Aqua’s/Magma’s case.) So how does the Police Force get owned by a fleet of Rattatas?

Methinks that the Rocketeers use the large amounts of laughter caused through the Rattatas to smash the Police on the head with a crowbar.

After all, the AI is bad.

Pokemon’s still fun as The Ultimate Grinding RPG That’s Below Maplestory With Evolution.

*No, there is no actual Pokemon named Baldamon. But: (Yes, that’s a poorly drawn Agnry Faic combined with a Caterpie. Yes, it is.)

**Haha, I bet you thought I was going to say “Headshot!”

***Incidentally, the initials of this exclamation spell “Boke”. Make what you will of that.

****I am not making this up.

*****Not that this stops them.

******Also, why the [EXPLETIVE] would you keep a Caterpie and not evolve it? Butterfree is an improvement, by far.

6 responses

  1. LoL Baldamon…gotta love Houraiguy’s weird and funny drawings… <_<

    [Throws pokeball at Mushyrulzzzz] Get inside!WE ARE GOING TO MEXICO!

    2010/08/31 at 00:35


    Pokémon is full of bad puns, but at least ta names are better than Digimon

    cough cough MAILBIRDRAMON WTF cough cough

    2010/08/31 at 01:41

  3. I’ll just leave this here.

    2010/08/31 at 01:47

  4. That’s either a broken link, my failed attempts ta open said link, the extra (?) addition of a slash in front of ‘home’, or nothing.

    :V Probably my failed attempts though

    2010/08/31 at 02:18

  5. It’s actually me completely fucking up my anti-hotlinking code. :D

    2010/08/31 at 17:56

  6. Anti-hotlinking makes me unable ta look at pictures on google reader :V

    seriously though, why bother?

    2010/08/31 at 20:08