Presenting A Historical Fiction
Note: This was something originally intended to be a school assignment, until I was informed it was supposed to be one paragraph long. F***.
The Beginnings of a State
A Short Summary
Of The First Two Pages
Of This Handout
And Now This Is Getting Ridiculously Small, So Maybe I Should Stop Doing This
Disclaimer: Much of this Short Summary consists of Enhanced Truths, Polished Lies, and the occasional Nugget of Truth. Do not take notes from this Summary unless you are studying humour, not Rome.
A long, long, time ago, so long ago we don’t usually remember what the heck it was about after the test on it passes in high school, in a galaxy country, far, far away, so far away we like to mock locals around there with stereotypical accents either mirroring Russian or British accents, someone was building a home. We don’t know who the person was, but we figure that if Rome is a town, it must have had houses in it, and back then there were no real estate companies to go and buy houses from and also get stuck in mortgages, so the people of Rome, which was the place where this guy was building his house, had to build their houses on their own, which, exhausting as it sounds, came with the undeniable benefit that the toilets actually worked. And so, backing up a few years or so, Rome was built somewhere in the 8th century-ish, before Christ and also before telemarketing. Rome was built near hill, river, and sea; each providing protection, travel, and commerce (but no travel agents). Sadly, none of these natural boons provided the Romans with sliced bread, Spam, or working toilets.
Soon after Rome was built, Rome ran into a problem. Rome had no women to marry. Thusly, Rome sent envoys with the proposal that would allow Rome and its neighbours, named the Latins and the Sabines, to intermarry. These envoys were rejected, supposedly on the fact that the neighbours thought they were salespersons. The problem remaining unsolved, the Roman leader, Romulus, hatched a devious plan to take over the world, although he was thwarted in 127 CE, the point of maximal extent of his empire, which was at least a good 127 years after his death. But before Romulus could get to taking over the world, he had to go and get some women for his city. So he hatched a devious scheme.
Romulus invited his neighbours over for a Grand Festival with Games and Stuff, particularly noting in the birthday invitation to bring their wives and daughters. This part was very important, as we shall see. After the guests’ arrival, a large army of men apparently wooed the majority of the unmarried women into marrying them before running like heck. The guests had coincidentially brought absolutely nothing to resist this mass wooing, apart from beer mugs, and thus the wooers escaped unscathed, although some of them had been poorly treated by the more drunk guests.
At this point, the neighbours were very, very angry. They showed this by inventing the “Agnry Faic” emoticon on MSN, although the Microsoft complaints office took several centuries to process this contribution, presumably because the computers back then looked suspiciously like abacuses. In addition to inventing the Agnry Faic, the neighbours began attacking Rome. However, they did not think about attacking in unison, presumably because they were still hung over from drinking more beer than is particularly healthy, if you get our meaning. Anyways, these lone attackers failed in their heroic attempts to beat down the gates of Rome with beer bottles. However, the Sabine king, being particularly enraged, had enough of an army to be more successful than his grog-glugging underlings. The Sabine king, Titus Tatius, went up to Rome and began attacking. While he was taking transit to Rome, the Romans got wind of his plan and began fortifying the walls of Rome, although they failed rather greatly and ended up creating the ruins you see today. However, the Sabines still enlisted the aid of an unknown woman in opening the gates of Rome, which we speculate she accomplished by throwing one of those littered beer bottles at the gates, which had been affected by the drunken builders and thus fell down like London Bridge, or more accurately, the World Trade Center. The Sabines now inside the gates, fighting now actually began. The fighting ended when a squadron of Sabine women marched up to the enemy lines and began pouting for peace. As a result of this noble and selfish action, the Sabines agreed to join the Romans under the joint rule of Romulus and Titus. Titus died soon after of what we think was an overdose of aspirin, which he had invented to prevent his entire army from falling in battle after they had moved to the drinking of fine wine.
Romulus, now alone in his rule, ruled until his death, modifying the modern design of the Roman Ruins™. His successor was a person named Numa, who ruled for 41 or so years, promoting law and religion. Numa’s successor, on the other hand, went by the name of Tullus Hostilius, unlike Numa, who went by the name of Numa. At this time, there existed the city of Alba Longa. It is worth noting that Alba Longa had also existed before this point, although this is not particularly useful in factual value except for providing the fact that Alba Longa was inhabited. Alba had invaded Rome at this point, although their army was driven out of Rome soon after, pursued in dramatic fashion by the Roman army before agreeing to decide the victor through the use of champions. The Romans sent out three Horatius brothers, whilst the Albans opted to go with the three Curiatii brothers, who people were betting on because their name, alphabetically, came before “Horatius”. After several minutes of bloody slicing and dicing that we have chosen to omit for the purpose of keeping this summary at the Teenage-appropriate rating, there was only spotless Horatius against three wounded Curiatii brothers. The story goes that the Horatius defeated the Curiatii by tossing beer bottles at them, and knocking them out while they were drunk and spraying their chests with ketchup. Anyways, the Alban army then belonged to Rome. Later, the Alban army was sent for to deal with the uprising of the Etruscan city of Veii, although they did nothing but continue to drink. For doing this, they killed the Alban general and blew up Hiroshima Alba Longa with a nuclear warhead, but not before transferring the Albans to Rome. Rome’s massive expansion was only beginning. So was their plot for world domination.
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