O-New: Now Extinct Website

Observations on Soft Drinks [A Numerical List!*]

  1. Soft drinks aren’t soft. Pillows, on the other hand…
  2. They always claim that they’re “ice cold”. They can’t be, because they don’t sell huge frozen chunks of Coke-ice/Pepsi-ice in a bottle/can/whatever. That would be ice cold. They’re selling them at like 10 degrees Celsius, because not many people want to buy solid chunks of flavored ice.
  3. The straws they give out for the soft drinks always are crappy.
  4. You can’t get straws for your soft drink (which isn’t soft) if you aren’t in a fast food joint.
  5. The soft drink tastes different in North America than it does in China. I note Coke specifically, and also 7-Up.
  6. Room temperature soft drinks would taste like flavoured water, only it would be sugar-flavoured. Also, flavoured water is usually (to me) water-flavoured water with a bit of indistinguishable random taste that you can’t define. Or, for that matter, you can’t taste. Also, room temp. soft drinks taste bad.
  7. Some idiot will always shake the bottle up like one of those paint bucket-shakers.
  8. And they’re probably doing it in a way that it can’t fail to land on your clothing.
  9. And they’re doing it right now.
  10. The only way to not get any pop on your clothing is to not wear any. This won’t really work, because no one will be remotely near you anyway (which kinda mean it does work) for nudity reasons.
  11. The soft drink spilled on your clothing does not wash off.
  12. If you can’t see them doing it, you’re doing it. Subconsciously. With an invisible bottle.
  13. The bottle will never fizz up after the cap is opened a second time.
  14. The bottle will always over-fizz before initial opening.
  15. The bottle will fizz even if you don’t shake it. Cynical, biased research has shown that this is a conspiracy on the part of WHUUUUUPS’ (We Hate UUUU; UPS) bottle delivering services, aided by the Government Committee Of Making Our Roads Have Potholes In Them and the Government Committee Of Building Speed Bumps The Length And Height Of The Great Wall Of China, and let’s not forget the infamous Government Committee For Failing To Fill In The Potholes The Goverment Committee Of Making Our Road Have Potholes In Them.
  16. Soft drinks must always have at least NIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINE THOUSAND AND ONE ninety grams of sugar. Per sip.
  17. Your older/younger sibling will always never stop drinking from your bottle, even if they were told by yourself to only have a sip, unless the bottle has negative fluid content. They will also be temporarily struck with deafness to pleas along the lines of “STOP”, and cannot choke. They will also always beat you in competitions of chugging large amounts of liquids.
  18. Number 15 will usually happen with your friends. It will always happen if you have no siblings.
  19. Soft drinks should not be called soft drinks (titular inaccuracy, as discussed in Number 1). They should be called “ubersugar liquids”. Also, they should not be called “pop” drinks, because they don’t really pop.
  20. Unless you count the “pop” of the bottle/can/whatever cap opening for the first time.
  21. Or if you count “pop” as a substitute for the expletives you’ll use once the soft drinks soak your clothing when you opened the cap.
  22. Or if “pop” is the substitute for the profanities the person shaking the pop bottle says when they see you without clothing in an attempt to prevent your clothing from being soaked.
  23. Or the “pop” is the sound of WHUUUUUPS’ “security” men/bodyguards coming after you with guns for having pop bottles that don’t fizz. Which are impossible to make, but they’ll still try to frame you anyway.
  24. Or if “pop” is the sound of your brain cells participating in the sport of “synchronized aneurysm-ing” from sugar overdose.
  25. If “ubersugar liquids” disagrees with you, suggest something in the comments below. I would recommend having a name that is Exactly What It Says On The Tin (TvTropes link) or highly straightforward. I personally propose “Teeth Decay Accelerator Molecules++”.

In case you were wondering, I rarely finish any posts in series. I will, however, start a lot of series.

*As if this being a numerical list was good.

3 responses

  1. Bets on how long this series’ll last.

    Starting from 1 day, 1 post.

    Winner gets free respect.

    2010/11/09 at 06:22

  2. houraiguy

    Y’know, if I chose to, I could get the free respect easily. Verrrrrry easily.

    2010/11/10 at 02:16

  3. “You already have Respect! Would you like to delete another move?”

    2010/11/10 at 03:43