Kyoukai Senjou no Horizon 1 [Impressions]
Man, I got better Internet. instead of downloading at a hundred kilobytes per second, now it’s downloading at over a megabyte per second (Speedtest.net says mine is at almost three megabytes per second). So, I downloaded Episode 2 of KYOUKAISENJOUNOHORIZON in SIX MINUTES. What’s the point of downloading an episode in six minutes when it takes twenty to watch the show?! I’m better than 86% of people in terms of download speed, but I’m worse than 99% of people in terms of anime-watching speed. It took me two hours just to watch this episode (with screenshots, blobs, notes, etc.) and another
one three hours just to write this post (five in total)!
Expect no more half season reviews until I’m totally caught up with these three (Horizon, Ben-To, Majikoi) episodics – Shoka was my last currently following show of last season, as I’m not currently following Penguindrum and Kamisama no Memochou/Dolls.
Uhhh tl;dr, let’s begin (over 3000 words, be warned).
Man, so when I was opening up Horizon, I thought it would be some futuristic apocalypse shit with people whining about how life sucks and not doing anything at all. I thought it would have some old people talking politics that don’t actually matter because nobody does politics anymore, and maybe a few nuclear explosions but no action because all apocalyptic anime only show the result of the explosions, which is a bunch of homeless people wearing rags and walking around looking stoned.
Boy, was I in for a shock because Kyoukai Senjou (I heard it was Kyoukaisen-jou, actually) no Horizon is NOTHING LIKE THAT. Horizon is SHEER AWESOMENESS, from START to FINISH. Here, I’ll tell you exactly what happened in the episode because IT’S THAT AWESOME and if you don’t watch it again you SUCK and you probably CAN’T watch it again because your SUCKINESS can’t compare to how AWESOME Horizon is.
So see, there’s this girl with ugly legs, and you’d expect her to be a MAIN CHARACTER. Well, she PROBABLY IS, because she’s all standing there and shit and at the end of the episode the main protagonist talks about a girl who died ten years ago. WELL THAT GIRL IS PROBABLY THAT GIRL because that’s what HAPPENS with AWESOME shows like this. So I assume this girl’s name is HORIZON, which is such an ugly name, just like ZUN, which is also an ugly name. Who names their child ‘ZUN’? And in all caps too.
Anyways, the girl with ugly legs sings a SONG about her daughter being TEN YEARS OLD. But wait, HORIZON DIED TEN YEARS AGO. I don’t know what’s HAPPENING but that doesn’t matter because it’s MYSTERIOUS and SUSPENSEFUL and MYSTERY and SUSPENSE. The song is so tearjerking that you JERK A TEAR. In fact, I’ll bet it’s going to be played over and over again because 1) it’s that awesome 2) when you play songs, YOU PLAY THEM OVER AND OVER AGAIN. Look at No. 6 and Fractale, both had songs that were played over and over again. Both jerked tears.
Then, THERE ARE THESE BLOBS
THESE FUCKING BLOBS
They’re the ONLY THING I NOTICED DURING THE PREVIEW.
I swear it’s like the trailer ALL OVER AGA-oh.
Horizon, Character Rating: 3/10 (Because she’s a main character, because she adds SUSPENSE and MYSTERY to the show, and because her legs are ugly.)
Then, we see a class of people, they’re CLASS 3-PLUM. Because PLUM is a cool word and feels like PLUMBUM which is also a cool word, they all get bonus points. There’s this teacher person who decides to randomly beat up some yakuza archdevil or whatever, but we’ll come to that later. First, this guy, Shiro. STARS APPEAR AROUND HIS HEAD when he asks about MONEY, and his head is all ZOOMED IN AND DERPY, which is COOL because the producers of Horizon did this intentionally for DRAMATIC EFFECT. Man, I wish he had more lines, because that’s all he says.
Shiro, Character Rating: 7/10 (Because it’s quality that matters, not quantity.)
This other girl has huge (padded) boobs and is Aoi “Impossible” Tori (the protagonist of the show)’s sister. You’d think her name would be Aoi Kimi or something but it’s NOT, because she uses a STAGE NAME, Bel Flore. As if that’s not awesome enough, she also CHANGES her stage name all the time, which is just totally AWESOME. Finally, she STEPS ON BLOBS and DOESN’T GIVE A SHIT, and runs as fast as this lame Mitotsudaira girl who’s like totally sprinting while Bel Flore runs all girly and STILL RUNS FASTER. Also, that lame Mitotsudaira person throws a spear… AND MISSES. Wow, how’s she going to pick up that spear
Aoi Kimi BEL FLORE, Character Rating: 8/10 (Because Bel Flore is such an awesome-sounding name AND she’ll probably change it to become an EVEN MORE awesomer-soundinger name in later episodes.)
Mitotsudaira, Character Rating: 2/10 (I mean, how do you throw a spear… AND MISS? Also she runs sloooooooooooooow.)
Basically, Class 3-PLUM’s PE teacher is BADASS, and tells the class to try to hit her before she runs all the way to the other side of the giant floating-country-ship-CAPITAL-CITY-OF-FLOWERS-IN-THE-SKY. So, this team of three people TEAM UP because that’s what teams do.
First, this unnamed ninja has a MOE BLUSHING HAT. He’s a pervert BUT he uses this SUPER SPECIAL ATTACK THING and draws out TWINBLADES while shouting “STYLE: NINJA FORCE, TENZOU!!!”, which is something only awesome people should be able to do. Thus, he must be awesome.
The Kool “TK” Ninja, Character Rating: 10/10 (BECAUSE NINJAS ARE AWESOME.)
Then, it turns out, THE NINJA WAS A DISTRACTION! The REAL threat was a MECHANICAL DRAGON GUY, ULQUI. He can talk without moving his mouth, and SAY THREE SENTENCES IN LESS THAN HALF A SECOND while trying to attack the teacher. Not only is he a mecha robot, HE’S ALSO A TRUE SHINTO’IST who shinto’s the shintos to shinto all the shintos.
Man, that’s awesome.
Ulqui, Character Rating: 6/10 (For being a religious mecha dragon. Loses points because I don’t know whom he gets his uniform from. Loses more points because I used ‘whom’ correctly there. Wait, that doesn’t make any sense.)
Finally, it turns out, THE RELIGIOUS MECHA DRAGON WAS A DISTRACTION! The REAL threat was a BOXER BOXING BOXER GUY, NORI. He can box without boxing his box, and BOX BOX BOXERS IN BOX THAN BOX A BOXED wihle boxing to box the teacher. Not only is he a boxer, HE’S ALSO A BOXER who boxes the boxes to box all the boxes. He also looks like Noda from Angel Beats! because of his hair and being a BOXING BOXER, even though Noda from Angel Beats is a HALBARDIER.
The entire setting does seem like Angel Beats, with various different people all with their little quirks. Except, THIS IS SO MUCH AWESOMER. I mean, Angel Beats had a ninja (TK), but DID HIS HEADBAND GET CHANCE AND LUCK?! Angel Beats didn’t have A RELIGIOUS MECHA DRAGON either, did it now?!
Man, that’s awesome too.
Nori, Character Rating: 5/10 (For being a boxing boxer.)
There’s also an Indian guy, HASSAN, who has an INDIAN name that’s also a PALINDROME, LIKE AN INDIANA ID NINA EKIL. He CARES FOR A LOT OF CURRY and CURRIES CARE from his teacher. That’s like, AWESOME TO THE MAX.
Hassan, Character Rating: 11/10 (For caring for curry. We need more care in this world. And curry.)
Would’ve gotten a 12/10 if what he was carrying really was curry
Some other people don’t actually fight. They also aren’t actually people. For example, there’s PERSONA, a GIANT muscled guy who somehow doesn’t fall through roofs and wears a giant Teutonic helmet. I think Persona is a pretty cool guy. eh runs on rooves and doesn’t afraid of anything…
So I watched Persona 4 the Animation in Anime Club last week. It was so stupid because I sat through the entire thing just to say one witty line, but nobody paid attention to my line: “When in danger, wear glasses.” MAN DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG IT TOOK ME TO THINK OF THAT
FUCK YOU PERSONA
Persona, Character Rating: -1/10 (For wasting my time. Wait a minute…)
Then there’s RENJI, who also isn’t a person. Who is he? HE’S A PORING, and he POURS PORINGS down PORES in PORINGS.
People also step on him. The poor guy. OR SHOULD I SAY, THE POUR ING?! HHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAhahahahaha ha ha ha ok.
Renji, Character Rating: 7/10 (Eh pretty cool guy, blobs and blobs and doesn’t give a shit)
Anyways, time to introduce the PE Teacher, who was SO AWESOME that I FORGOT HER NAME. According to MAL it’s Makiko so we’ll go with that. Man she’s so awesome. Do you know what she does? SHE BACKFLIPS DOWN STAIRS, AND THEN JUMPS OVER TREES. THEN SHE THROWS THIS GIRL AT HASSAN, DEFLECTS TK NINJA, ULQUI, /AND/ NORI’S attacks… SIMULTANEOUSLY, DODGES an UNMISSABLE TARGETED ARROW, RUNS FASTER than an EXPLOSION, and ARRIVES at the YAKUZA HEADQUARTERS, where she then BEATS UP AN ARCHDEVIL, which is like a Devil, but WITH FOUR ARMS.
Duuuuuuuuuuuuuude, that teacher is trippy. Nobody in the entire classes manages to hit her. Except for Aoi “Impossible” Tori of course, but he’s too awesome to include in this post until the very end.
Man, Makiko’s educational learning plan would definitely not receive the support of city council. Property damage like there’s no tomorrow. She’s also awesome because she asks her class “So, what do you say?” and they reply: “JUDGEMENT!”, which sounds very evil and dark and bad and mean and I don’t think she’s as cool as I first thought
Makiko, Character Rating: 4/10 (She’s awesome but her class is scary. Also, I rate low so 4/10 is actually very very very good no not really)
Remember when I talked about an UNMISSABLE TARGETED ARROW? You see, this Asama girl is somebody with severe HETEROCHROMIA. Why? See, her right eye is red, which is her NATURAL EYE COLOUR. The other eye is GREEN because it’s a COMPUTER. What does her computer do? IT SUMMONS A CHIBI MIKO SPIRIT which forces her to give A LEVEL FOUR WISH TO THE GODS, which PURIFIES her ARROW so that it CANNOT MISS.
Except it did because it didn’t hit Makiko. Oh well.
Asama, Character Rating: 8/10 (CANNOT MISS)
Asama’s Chibi Miko Spirit, Character Rating: 10/10 (DEAL WITH IT)
Next, there’s Adele Balfetto. Why is she awesome? Because she ‘takes pride in her excellent mobility’. Actually, all she does is use magical spellcards to make herself run faster. She also tries to stab the teacher with a lance but fails because the lance is too heavy. What a loser.
Adele Balfetto, Character Rating: 2/10 (What kind of last name is Balfetto?!)
Remember when I talked about EXPLOSIONS? You see, there are these TWIN ANGEL GIRLS who are TWINS, ANGELS, and GIRLS. Except they’re probably not really twins, they’re probably not really angels, and one might not be a girl. They are MARGOT and GACCHAN and those are the STUPIDEST NAMES but what they do is RIDE ON A BROOM AND SHOOT LASERS. After they get tired of shooting lasers, they start shooting FIRE, and then EXPLOSIONS. Yes, they SHOOT EXPLOSIONS. Try to beat that. I’ll bet you can’t shoot an explosion.
They’re the BLACK AND WHITE MAGI GUNNERS, and they’re so awesome that when they are announced as the WHITE AND BLACK MAGI GUNNERS (i.e. explosion-shooters), the MUSIC CHANGES. All they need now is some camera shake.
Speaking of the music, the music is awesome. There’s like SHEPARD SCALES everywhere and it keeps on SPARKLING and HEAVY METAL and ROCK and MUSIC and POP and WHATEVER MAN, IT’S JUST SO COOL. Sonovabitch.
One problem: TWO PEOPLE IS NOT AN ENSEMBLE
BLACK AND WHITE MAGI GUNNERS, Characters Ratings: 9/10 (Loses points for calling themselves an ensemble.)
Finally, there are two MINOR characters who aren’t students. One is an old man, President Sakai, and one is a young woman, Musashi. Musashi is stupid and says over at the end of every sentence, over. The next character speech tic they’re going to do is have a telegraphist say ‘stop’ at the end of every sentence stop that’ll be so annoying stop you know stop
Musashi, Character Rating: 3/10, Over
However, President Sakai is cool and looks and black blobs and smokes and shits and pees, like Shitt P. does. That’s awesome. He also looks ominously at the sky and says ‘The world is coming to an end…’ ominously. Mannn I wish I could do that. I want to say something ominously. The most ominous thing I’ve been able to say for the past five years was “I don’t like eating rice.”, which was untrue because I did like eating rice after a few days without. True Asian spirit awaking…
President Sakai, Character Rating: 6/10 (Loses points for not mattering in the story at all, that’s why he’s a MINOR character.)
Phew, so that’s al-OI TORI
MAN THIS GUY, HE IS JUST SO FUCKING AWESOME
I’M GOING TO TALK IN ALL CAPS THIS ENTIRE TIME BECAUSE HE DESERVES FUCKING CAPS
THIS GUY’S MIDDLE NAME IS ‘IMPOSSIBLE’. SERIOUSLY, THEY CALL HIM ‘AOI “IMPOSSIBLE” TORI’. So he’s (wow I broke my promise quickly) the CHANCELLOR and STUDENT COUNCIL PRESIDENT and STUDENT REPRESENTATIVE and all these positions and everybody loves him because HE’S THAT AWESOME. He wars a FUR COAT and eats POCKY from a CIGARETTE BOX and wears EARRINGS and plays EROGE like a BOSS. HE DOESN’T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT ANYTHING. Man he just went up to Makiko and SQUEEZED HER BOOBS, which was subsequently CENSORED BY A CONVENIENT LASER. That’s how awesome he is, his hands NEED to be censored because looking at them will cause FAINTING, DEPRESSION, and SUICIDE at not being even CLOSE to how AWESOME he is.
He’s NEVER DEPRESSED. Seriously, he’s just like SMILING ALL THE TIME. I’ll bet he’s going to learn the meaning of being depressed later on in the series, become really depressed for all of ten seconds, and SNAP RIGHT BACK OUT OF IT BECAUSE HE’S THAT BADASS. FUCK MY HANDS ARE SHAKING EVEN TYPING ABOUT HIM IS HARD FOR AN UNENLIGHTENED ONE. brb shower I must CLEANSE my body and mind and soul and EVERYTHING IN BETWEEN or else I cannot coherently talk about aoi impossible tori impossible mission impossible wow badass impossible aoi super cool awesome mission aoi tori talk coherent impossible spellcheck failing where impossible badas awesome supre gcannot esee there imopssibl aoit soi gimpsosbpe tksotoo awseoome so ocool tioa sonofoalbitnch aooi trori spimpoeososipble raradhgiicapp fatnntastic owwweww o so aawessoswmew
Man I’m back from a shower and he’s STILL THAT AWESOME. Wow.
Aoi Tori, Character Rating: 9001/10
There are a few detracting points from what was an AWESOME pilot episode, though. First of all, they said that they’re REWRITING HISTORY. ONLY I REWRITE HISTORY. ONLY I. ONLY ME. DO YOU HEAR?! (This post is, oddly enough, not a rewrite of history.)
Next, the character designs. I mean, look at the females, and look at the males. The males all have different body shapes (fat vs. skinny), races (White vs. FUCK YEAH HASSAN), or even species (RELIGIOUS MECHA DRAGONS, PORINGS, etc.), so that even if you removed their faces you’d know who they were. You can tell who a person’s uniform belongs to just from its dimensions and decorations. Meanwhile, the females all have the same body shape, and their uniforms are all exactly the same (that is to say, ugly as Horizon. Man, that’s going to replace ‘Hell’ in my posts from now on). The only difference is in the size of their chest. Really? Yes, really. They did make everybody’s breast size different, though (or else, why the heck would Aoi Kimi exist). Wait, that’s not a good thing either. MAKE NORMAL PEOPLE LOOK NORMAL, or if you’re making everybody look different, MAKE DIFFERENT PEOPLE LOOK DIFFERENT. It’s not so hard, is it?
Finally, the last two characters. Itou Kenji is an Incubus Spirit… but he doesn’t have a penis. Takes away the point of being an incubus, doesn’t it.
Itou Kenji, Character Rating: 0/10 (I think the character designer was on drugs.)
Then, there’s Suzu in the final image, who was CARRIED THE WHOLE WAY (by Persona) and DIDN’T DO ANYTHING AT ALL. There’s also this other person who I don’t know the name of who was apparently the MILITARY STRATEGIST or whatever. S/he didn’t do anything at all either.
Suzu, Character Rating: 0.1/10 (I think the character designer was in withdrawal.)
Other Unimportant People, Characters Ratings: 0.2/10 (I think the character designer sucks at making memorable characters. Or maybe he made them so memorable that we can’t forget them anymore, and so in a last-ditch effort to rid myself of the memories, I lobotomized myself.)
That’s really all there is in terms of flaws. I absolutely adored the way each character and their name were introduced – it really lets me remember who each person’s name was, because you get to match a face to a name immediately instead of the nonsense ‘let’s wait until halfway through the season to reveal who mystery-girl’s name is’. I also liked how the director chose a ‘fight me to show your abilities’ pilot, as with only 13 episodes, things need to be shortened and shortened and shortened and brief. Not only do we get to associate a name and face, we also get to associate their abilities, since faces don’t actually help you tell the difference between the girls.
As I said at the beginning, I thought it would be some futuristic bullshit about everybody dying and being sad, but instead, we get MAGICAL MIKO SPIRITS and AOI TORI’S FACE. It’s a lot more lively and energetic, and shows like those are the shows I like. Nobody really likes those doomsday shit stories, they just say they do to seem intelligent and cultured.
I also thought Aoi Tori might be like Mistletyne from Yumekui Merry, who was absolutely ridiculously annoying. It’s good to see he’s not one of those dark, evil-smile characters who pretend to be evil to seem like they’re cool. His smile is genuine, and that’s nice.
Brings a new meaning to ‘moeblob’
tl;dr (wow over 3000 words, I’ll nail NaNoWriMo no sweat):
– THOSE FUCKING BLOBS, SO CUTE (now I know why people call cute moe girls moeBLOBS)
– THE MOOD CHANGES SO SUDDENLY AFTER AOI TORI COMES IN
– THE SOURCE MATERIAL IS FUCKING MASSIVE THERE’S NO WAY 13 EPISODES CAN DO ANYTHING
– THE MOOD CHANGES SO SUDDENLY AGAIN WHEN THE NARRATOR TALKS ABOUT WAR AND SHIT
– THIS ENTIRE THING IS NOT DRAMATIC AT ALL
– HORIZON FUCKING POURS WATER ON THOSE CUTE BLOBS, HOW MUCH MORE OF A MONSTER CAN SHE BE
Cover Rating: 2/10 (Bad) – Blogging
P.S. maybe I should add a tag for tl;dr
P.P.S. inb4 comment: ‘man you’re totally wrong horizon is shit it’s not as awesome as you said it was’
P.P.P.S. I’d rather get that comment than none ;_;