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Kyoukai Senjou no Horizon 5

Look at how sad it is…

Then again, if you got stabbed in the head with a spear, you’d also be pretty sad.

psgels of Star Crossed Anime Blog proclaimed that ‘this really is going to be a juvenile season’.

I beg to differ.

Oh, whoops, this isn’t a normal post, this is a HORIZON post so brb infusing LARGE AMOUNTS of BADASSERY into EVERYTHING I write

OK, I’m back, and I BEG TO DIFFER.

Horizon’s teenaged cast is OBVIOUSLY NOT the actual focus of the show. They’re merely PAWNS in a MASSIVE GAME OF CHESS, where each side has one King that can’t do anything, one Bishop, and SEVENTY-THREE THOUSAND PAWNS (or maybe down an order of magnitude, but).

To be honest, I have to admit something. Every one of those Horizon posts I made before this one? I was lying; they weren’t actually awesome. I BET I FOOLED YOU ALL WITH MY SARCASM, EH? It was so ADVANCED and UNIQUE that NOBODY SAW THROUGH MY LIES, which were AS THICK AS MUD in their DEFENSIVE PROCEDURES which allowed them to CONCEAL my TRUE FEELINGS to EVERYBODY.

BUT, this post is NOT sarcastic. Horizon is GENUINELY AWESOME SHIT right now. In fact, it’s SO AWESOME that I LOADED UP my USB with a copy of COMMIE_-_KYOUKAI-SEN_JOU_NO_HORIZON_FIVE.MKV and BROUGHT IT TO ANIME CLUB to watch. Except there was no anime club that day because anime club was the day before that day and so I went out and moped around for the rest of the day. And then I went home and rewatched this episode and SUDDENLY I BECAME AWESOME AGAIN. That’s right, not only is this EPISODE that AWESOME, but simply WATCHING it will make YOU, personally AWESOME.

So watch it. Don’t worry if you haven’t seen the previous episodes of Horizon. This episode makes up for EVERYTHING. Look at this. THAT’S RIGHT, IT’S A GIANT FLYING MECHA SWINGING A LIGHTSABRE AT AN AUTOMATED DOLL WHICH CONTROLS GRAVITY BUT EXPLODES AFTER A PERSON WITH THE POWER TO CUT EVERYTHING AWAY FROM EXISTENCE IN A RADIUS OF THIRTY KILOMETRES SHOOTS HER, BUT IS REPELLED BY ANOTHER GUY WHOSE BLADE CAN CUT THE VERY FABRIC OF TIME AND SPACE TO ALLOW HIMSELF TO TELEPORT BY CUTTING THE AREA NORTH OF HIM, WHO THEN DESTROYS THE FIRST PERSON’S SUPER MEGA DESTRUCTION CANNON BY CUTTING THE VERY EXISTENCE OF HIS WIFE APART. EXCEPT HIS WIFE WAS AN AUTOMATED DOLL AND SUDDENLY, MIKAWA EXPLODES.

MIKAWA.

EXPLODES.

You can watch this on two levels. ‘Sigh’, most some none of you think, as none of you have actually read my posts that said this thirty times in the past, ‘Here he goes again talking about multi-level shit like he always does.’

Anyways, you can watch Horizon as a MINDLESS AWESOME SHOW THAT BLOWS THINGS UP, or a THRILLING POLITICAL INTRIGUE that DELVES INTO issues such as.. uh… politics. This allows even people who have never HEARD of the show to watch Episode 5 and walk out feeling AWESOME about themselves, not understand anything, but not CARE because the episode was THAT COOL. It simultaneously allows others who have WATCHED the show from beginning to end, FIVE TIMES IN A ROW, to understand what’s going on.

As for what’s going on, since I’m one of those people who have watched the show from beginning to end, FIVE TIMES TWO TIMES ONCE IN A ROW, I understand what’s going on.

Basically, humans are forced to return to Earth because of some reason, but find out that they can only live on Japan. Thus, using SUPER COOL FUTURISTIC TECHNOLOGY, they create a copy of the entire world and call it the ‘Harmonic Divine States’, and rename Japan to the ‘Divine States’. The Japanese people then live in the Divine States, and everybody else lives in the Harmonic Divine States. AND EVERYBODY IS HAPPY.

SUDDENLY, the Harmonic Divine States WAS DESTROYED and everybody there had to move to the Divine States, where everybody was crowded because you can’t fit the population of an entire world into one country. Anyways, the people of the Harmonic Divine States were PRETTY PISSED OFF because, y’know, THEIR ENTIRE WORLD JUST DIED, and blamed the Divine States for what happened. So, the Divine States was forced to give most of their land to the Harmonic Divine States.

The Harmonic Divine States then split into their respective countries – Spain and the Latin American countries becoming TRES ESPAÑA, Italy becoming K.P.A. ITALIA, and the Divine States becoming the FAR EAST. Since Japan is the only place on the world to live anymore, each country occupies a portion of Japan, and the Far East occupies the Kanto (not Pokémon region). Their capital city was Mikawa.

AND IT JUST EXPLODED IN THE COOLEST EXPLOSION IN THE HISTORY OF EVER

Y’know, when I first opened this episode, I thought it would be LAME and LAUGHABLE. It wasn’t. It was like MAJIKOI’s first episode, COMPLETELY SKIPPING the OP and ED, with PURE ACTION all the way to the end. Except when it wasn’t action. And when it wasn’t it was STILL COOL, with many UNEXPECTED TWISTS. I always had a tiny suspicion in my mind that P-01S looked a lot like Horizon, but WOW, SHE ACTUALLY WAS HORIZON! UNBELIEVABLE! You have no idea how SHOCKED I was when they revealed that part.

And WHAT WAS LORD MOTONOBU DOING?! I have no idea, but it was COOL. I think these people have some idea. Go read their post, it talks about Motonobu wanting to SHOCK the world into forging THEIR OWN FUTURE and their OWN HISTORY, instead of CONSTANTLY REWRITING IT like I on my blog.

The moves were pretty overpowered, though. Imagine the races in this world.

Judge: “OK, we are now beginning the 1000m footrace. Is everybody ready?”
Easterner: “Judge!”
Spaniard: “Testament!”
Guy: “Uhh… yeah, I guess.”
TACHIBANA MUNESHIGE: “Testament!”
Judge: “Then… GO!”
Easterner: “I’m too short and my legs are too weak ok I give up.”
Spaniard: “I’m a Spaniard and I run fast ok I don’t give up.”
Guy: “Man, this Spaniard accelerates quickly, even though I pushed with all my might, I can only accelerate so fas-”
TACHIBANA MUNESHIGE: “BOOST ACCELERATION BY SEVENTEEN FUCKING THOUSAND TIMES!!!!!!!!”
Judge: “Tachibana wins with a time of fifteen seconds!”
-4 minutes later-
Judge: “Guy is in second place!”
Judge: “And Spaniard is in third place!”
Judge: “I don’t know where I’m going with this oh my god my dialogue sucks…”
Mushy: “Judge!”
Judge: “Judge?”
Mushy: “No fuck you you are now dead.”
-Judge dies-

What? That was an inappropriate screenshot, you say? I beg to d-I BEG TO DIFFER. LOOK CLOSELY AT WHAT SHE HAS ON HER TON-ewwwww.

You’re wondering why the Far Easterners say JUDGEMENT and the Tres Espaniards say TESTAMENT, right? Well, EACH COUNTRY HAS ITS OWN GREETING. For example, the Egyptians, being wise and cultured, say ‘Parchment!’, or ‘Par!’ (they’re also remarkably good at golf). The Americans, having much money, say ‘Repayment!’, or ‘Rep!’. The French, being incredibly emotional, say ‘Sentiment’, or ‘Sent!’. And a final example – the Angels in Heaven say ‘Firmament!’ or ‘Fir!’ because they like fir trees and also Christmas was when JESUS WAS BORN.

(actually, I searched it up on Google and I feel like I’m using a cheatsheet in a complicated school test now…)

Perhaps one thing about Horizon that might work is the story coming together ONLY at the very end. It has demonstrated that it is ABLE to do this by creating a MESS of STUPIDITY in the first four episodes that set the stage for an AWESOME EXPLOSION exposition in the fifth. You don’t have to get the story NOW, as long as you’ve seen the episodes, you’ll get the story LATER.

tl;dr: what happens when I wear earphones next to a ‘friend’ who has a tendency to turn the volume of all devices next to him to maximum volume

5 responses

  1. In the course of reading this post, I think I died and went to awesome.

    2011/11/12 at 01:49

  2. …Just as planned.

    2011/11/12 at 04:42

  3. Bah. I DLed a copy of 5 just to see what you were talking about and it turned out to be Hi-10. I’ll have to wait and check it out later.

    2011/11/13 at 04:50

  4. Eh, get CCCP, it plays 10bit.

    Uh, don’t come out too disappointed though, I’m not sure if this will suit your taste ;)

    2011/11/13 at 05:24

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