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How To Break Your Keyboard!

Full title: How To Break Your Keyboard Without Lessons In Several Easy Steps In Half The Time Of The Leading Keyboard-Dismantlement Booklet!!: Premium Gold Platinum Silver Edition (50% Off! Clearance Sale): As Seen On TV*


only 5 easy payments of $99.99 to the power of 99

In this handy DIY from guest writer Houraiguy, “we” disprove the myth that keyboards are HARD to break! You, too, can smash your typing equipment with A Few Easy Steps in our book(let), “A Few Easy Steps”.

The first step is to download this file. This is a helpful program that allows YOU to practice breaking your keyboard, exercising those all-important fingers, wrists, and facial muscles** utilized in Breaking Your Keyboard.

Next, run the handy dandy .exe in that download. Press Z, then Z, then use left and right to select a “save profile”, then press Shift, then press Down, then press Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, Select, Start, B, A, or alternatively to Contra funsies, pressing Left and pressing Shift. Note that, despite the fact that you may see many terms related to what Internet Hipsters refer to as “Vidya Gamez”, you are NOT, again, NOT, playing a game. You are using (can you open a strikeout here) the Aperture Science Handheld Portal Device. I mean,(can you end the strikeout here) the Aperture Science Character-Input Instrument Dismantlement Program, as produced by Kayin.***

You should, after that command, be at the following screen:

You're on your way to breaking that keyboard!
untz untz untz we need more of that Home Sweet Grave♪ from Guilty Gear Isuka

Quickly, click the File tab at the top, select “Controls”, click any one of the X’s, click the button where it says Shift, press Spacebar, and click all the “OK”s. This is because STICKYKEYS IS THE EMBODIMENT OF EVIL WE MUST PURGE IT WITH FIRE AND HOLY WATER SHUN THE HERETICAL FUNCTION Y U NO REMOVE BILL GATES U FOOL!.

Now, follow the adventures of the tiny little guy with the cape and the upside-down black L-shaped pipe thing.

Press Z to shoot your upside-down black L-shaped pipe thing (hereon referred to U.D.B.L.S.P.T, or, alternatively, a G.U.N.), then turn to the left, and fire your G.U.N. to Activate the Save Point. Press Space to jump, then press Space again soon after to perform the complicated maneuver known as “double-jumping” to Enter the Sinister Overworld of Crazed Keyboard Smashia (hereon referred to as S.O.C.K.S.). You may have to change the timing of this difficult technique to exit the Sinister Underworld of Crazed Keyboard Smashing (hereon referred to as S.U.C.K.S.). Head on right, then left across the platforms after climbing to the second tier of platforms. Then look at this guide again in frustration because your character has turned into a fountain of ludicrous gibs and red pixels.

Next, press “R” to Retry. Observe the following guide to figure out how to Advance Further in this Testing Opportunity.

Note: this takes a …bit… of practice to get through…

Cyan-coloured numbers indicate that the “Delicious Fruit” will fall down, and purple-coloured numbers indicate a defiance of gravity/upwards-falling murderousness. The orange dot indicates the approximate place at which the apples will begin to fall. Note that the “Delicious Fruit” is not an Apple. It’s more like a giant cherry. The Delicious Fruit marked X falls, but isn’t actually in your path.

After failing sometimes, you may find that this Keyboard Breaking Simulator has a tendency to crash; to fix this, turn on Reduce Death Splatter and Disable Some Effects in the Options tab, and in Properties (right click the .exe), turn on Windows 98 Compatibility. This will save you several bucketloads of trouble when the game decides to crash right before you save. (If it doesn’t prevent crashes, it will at least reduce how often they appear.)

The next screen is as follows:

This one is probably harder in finesse and easier on the trial and error…

The second cloud on your way will drop as you nearly touch it. Jump immediately off of it, BUT DON’T RUN OFF THE EDGE OF IT WITHOUT JUMPING. A common cause of death in IWBTG is the “failed mid-air jump”. IWBTG doesn’t give you TWO JUMPS ANYWHERE, it gives you a jump from the ground and a mid-air jump. By running off the platform, you forfeit the ground jump, and you won’t go nearly high enough to reach the third cloud platform, which, by the way, goes up into the spikes. (However, sometimes not having this ground jump can give you the height you need to make tricky jumps. It can also still be enough to recover back onto most platforms if you make this mistake.) The reason you might have made this mistake is because the collision hitbox for these platforms is deceptive:
Redline represents actual collision hitbox of cloud!!!

So, after bailing from the second cloud promptly, double-jump your way to the third cloud. Make contact to refresh your mid-air jump, then quickly walk off to the right as this cloud will rise up into the spikes, because Kayin is truly a master at the Mind Screw. Delay your midair jump, and land on the fourth cloud. Stick to the left side of this cloud, because this one also rises; note the deceptive hitbox can cause you to walk off the cloud into the spikes below, even if you think the wall would block you from letting this happen. Jump onto to the spikeless ledge, slide right off said ledge as a spiked-bottom platform zips down to crush you, get on the platform, get to the save point, and Congratulations, you’ve reached the end of the Premium Gold Platinum Silver Edition Demo! To finish learning about the wonders of keyboard destruction, contact your local hybrid anime blog and wait several days!

**More accurately, your neck muscles, or whatever muscles you use when you beat your face against your keyboard

Thanks, Kayin, I really needed that Carpal Tunnel Syndrome. Yep, it’s I Wanna Be The Guy, I didn’t make it, Kayin did. Sequel to this post unlikely.

13 responses

  1. as

    2011/11/17 at 00:36

  2. The best way to break your keyboard is to have as many people as possible use the computer at the same time. The social drive will get them to play around with the hardware until the keyboard is thoroughly broken.

    2011/11/17 at 01:22

  3. This is from personal experience at a certain classmate’s house right

    2011/11/17 at 04:28

  4. df


    2011/11/17 at 04:28

  5. copy a space into your clipboard and paste it

    2011/11/19 at 07:40

  6. houraiguy

    Mushy, you didn’t actually pre-read the post before you posted it, did you? -.-

    2011/11/19 at 15:57

  7. *jams Might is Right but Tight~*

    2011/11/19 at 16:34

  8. Why should I / what makes you think that :(

    2011/11/19 at 18:41

  9. This is from personal experience at my own house.

    2011/11/19 at 23:18

  10. houraiguy

    After playing the game, you will come to hate that song. It will happen. That is all.

    On the other hand… if someone was insane enough to make a port where you could play IWBTG on a Guitar Hero guitar, YOU COULD MASH THE FRETS TO THE TUNE! would that be satisfying or what

    2011/11/20 at 06:23

  11. hey ourai

    2011/11/21 at 03:53

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