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A Chronic Illness

So, what’re you here for today, son?

Eh? You say you’ve been feeling unwell recently? Must be this lousy weather we’re having. Rain and hail and the whole shebang. I guess you’re really feeling under the weather, haha.

C’mon, I was only joking. Here, let’s give you a temperature check.

Holy mother of cheese, your temperature’s almost thirty-seven degrees higher than the triple point of water.

What does that mean? Well. I’ve got good news and bad news. Which do you want to hear first?

See, the good news is that you’re not suffering from a chronic illness. Now, the bad news – I was lying about the good news. You’re suffering from a chronic illness.

Fatal? Of course it’s fatal! All chronic illnesses are fatal, except those that aren’t. But don’t worry, I’m a doctor. I deal with people like you all the time! This disease is especially common. We can’t cure it yet, but we have created some very comprehensive measures to guarantee that you won’t die… as quickly.

How quickly? Well, you could be dead within a week. Wait, wait! Don’t panic! I say ‘could be’, because that’s if you don’t do exactly what I tell you to do. Now, this is going to be complicated, so listen well.

Yeah, taking notes is a good idea too, but you can just visit our website. It’s at onew design dot wordpress dot com.

Yep, onew like the onew in phonewise. Here, I’ll start at the symptoms, just to confirm you’re actually diagnosed with this disease. Do you ever occasionally pass out, sometimes even for ten hours at a time?

You better learn to control that, then. If you turn that into a regular schedule, soon enough, you won’t even notice it. Next – do you frequently feel the urge to expel waste from your bottom?

That’s a tough one, too. To date, we haven’t found a solution yet, but we’re working on it. Eventually, you won’t feel this urge at all. But we can’t help you there at the moment. Anyways, moving on; are you sometimes overtaken by a strong desire to insert objects down your throat? Frequently, even up to five times a day?

Oh, you’ve caught an acute case of this sickness. But there’s hope yet! Just follow these instructions to the dot. First, whenever you feel like you need to shove stuff down your throat, don’t resist. Find the nearest object and plunge it down your throat. We’re also looking towards a solution to stop that, but for now, you’ve just got to obey your primal desires. Stock up on some glucose, carbohydrates, proteins, and amino acids, and try to grab those instead of computer monitors whenever you can. Studies have shown that putting carbohydrates down your throat will increase your lifespan, and that putting computer monitors down your throat will decrease it.

Then you’re on the right path already! But sometimes, even after having things stuck in your throat, do you still feel an urge to, say, wash your mouth?

As expected. We’ve a special product for you – you can find it at any store nowadays. Just walk up to the counter and ask for some dihydrogen monoxide. They’d gladly oblige.

No, no, you don’t need a prescription. Your illness is fairly common. If you’ve already stuffed things in your throat and you still feel bad, grab a handful of dihydrogen monoxide and just let that go in your mouth.

How long? My boy, you’re hardly twenty! You’ve a whole life in front of you – with these proper precautions, you could live until you’re eighty-five!

Yes, you’ll have to take these chemicals for the rest of your life. But at least you have one!

Eh? What do you mean?

Oh, what’s this illness called? I thought you asked what this armrest is caw. You sounded like a madman there! Like you guys usually are. Yeah, this disease is… do you want the scientific name, or the simple name? The scientific name’s rather long.

Alright. Uh, I’m sure you’ve heard of it before. You’ve got this chronic illness known as life.

And it won’t go away until you’re dead.

7 responses

  1. The death rate is always the same. One to a customer.

    2012/02/11 at 07:31

  2. YES! I have all of these symptoms! Finally, a guide to illness that I can actually use! I will use this rather than my local doctor for any and all future illness I gain.

    2012/02/11 at 08:54

  3. That’s a suicide booth, not a chronic illness!

    2012/02/11 at 17:36

  4. Be warned though, if your temperature is at 45 degrees above the triple point, you’re probably already dead.

    2012/02/11 at 17:37

  5. You first. :)

    2012/02/11 at 18:46

  6. This would make an awesome Scrubs sketch.

    Awesome post anyway.

    2012/02/12 at 18:02

  7. Thanks. I wish I were cool enough to do stand-up comedy but I’m too fat, so I have to sit down in front of this lame computer and smash my fingers onto a plastic board.

    2012/02/12 at 18:08