Black★Rock Shooter (TV) 3

Remember the last Black★Rock Shooter (TV) post? Probably not, seeing as I, uh, didn’t actually write that until now, seeing as the, uh, episode wasn’t released when I first published it. But now, the episode is released, and so here I go.

‘Wait,’ you probably won’t ask, ‘This is a post about Black★Rock Shooter (TV) Episode 3. Black★Rock Shooter (TV) Episode 3 hasn’t aired yet. It’s four days from being aired.’

Well, you see, last Mouretsu Pirates post, I VERY SUBTLY hinted that the next Mouretsu Pirates post would be published before the episode airs. Unfortunately, the episode has already aired, so I can hardly write a post about that before it airs if it’s already aired. Besides, even though I’m not superstitious at all, nope, not at all, don’t you think it would be bad luck to publish a ‘Mouretsu Pirates SIX’ post as my 666th post? …Yeah.

Why is this post currently only 180 words long? Well, you see, I actually… don’t have the time to finish this post, due to my having Chinese school momentarily. I will finish this post, though – and not four days later, but four hours later. So stay tuned!

Anyways, you see, I, being a significant, important, and influential personage of the anime industry, have received exclusive access to the pre-air of the next episode of Black★Rock Shooter (TV) – episode three – four days before it airs to the general public. The events which occurred this episode were so dramatic as for me to risk relinquishing my position solely to impart this shocking knowledge upon you.

Without further ado, let us move on to the plot. Warning: major spoilers will not follow. Do not read at your own risk. Read at other people’s nonexistent risks.

Black★Gold Saw finally appears!! You don’t know how COOL Black★Gold Saw. Even though she has appeared a total of once and has had a grand total of zero lines in every single anime she’s appeared in ever, she’s REALLY AWESOME because, uh… Black★Gold Saw is RED. Do you know what else is RED? The flag of China, the flag of Canada, the flag of Mars, REDLINE, and not Red★Sun Shooter because a) Red★Sun Shooter doesn’t exist and b) Just as Black★Rock Shooter is actually blue and not black, Black★Gold Saw is actually red and neither black nor gold.

Do you know who else Black★Gold saw? Black★Gold saw Black★Gold Saw, and Black★Gold Saw saw Black★Rock Shooter shot the shooting saws Thomas★Tom Sawyer saw Black★Gold Saw and wondered, ‘Why the heck does a character who has appeared a total of once and has had a grand total of zero lines in every single anime she’s appeared in, ever, have 59 member favourites on MAL?’ Well, Thomas★Tom Sawyer, neither you nor any other Saw will see the sawing of the shots, for you don’t have exclusive access to the pre-air of the next episode of Black★Rock Shooter (TV) – episode three – four days before it airs to the general public.

I have to admit, though, the conclusion of the battle was pretty lame. You see, Chariot (Bamboo’s Black★Rock Shooter side), throws macaroons into the air. However, the macaroons are so cheesy that when it falls down, it becomes macaroni and cheese. As Black★Gold Saw struggles to escape from the macaroni and cheese, suddenly, Tomato’s dad arrives, eats it all, and runs away. Then, Shark’s mom brings them back to reality, where Bamboo has gotten over her internal struggles for dependency and is now peacefully living on a diet of macaroons and cheese. Not a pleasing combination, I would say, but I guess Japanese people have different tastes.

Oh right, I forgot to explain how ‘Kagari’ got turned into ‘Bamboo’. You see, through my professional assessment, I had thoroughly convinced the production team to rename all characters in preparation for the Americanization of Black★Rock Shooter, but for some reason, the Japanese fanbase was upset over my enlightened renamings, which were made over a year and a half ago.

To put it simply: Mato, the protagonist of the show, is ‘Tomato’ – not only because ‘Mato’ sounds like ‘Tomato’, but also because she is an otamot, and otamot backwards is – SPANISH COINCIDENCE – tomato. Doesn’t that make sense? As for Yomi being ‘Shark’, that’s a bit confusing. Here, I’ll paste down what I wrote all those months ago:

“…who shall now be referred to as SHARK because she’s a loan shark; I mean seriously all she does every day is say “Hey, YOMI” which is SHARK-speak for “HEY YOU OWE ME” which is NORMAL-speak for “GIVE ME ALL YOUR MONEY BEFORE I CUT OFF YOUR HEAD WITH A DRIED SHAMPOO BOTTLE DAMMIT””

Hahaha! Once again, I demonstrate my superior HTML manipulation skills. Continuing on, ‘Kagari’ in Japanese is ‘篝’, which according to Wiktionary is a bamboo basket. Thus, ‘Kagari’ should rightfully be called ‘Bamboo’. I honestly do not understand how anybody could oppose these masterful Americanisms. The funny thing is that I’m not even an American, and yet I have already mastered the trade. It truly speaks more to my noteworthy swiftness of adapting than to the ease of crafting Americanisms, which is really quite strenuous if you were not me. And you are not me. In fact, I was even part of the original Manhattan Project. I created, what youngsters call nowadays, the ‘huke’.

Ah, I keep going off on tangents. Maybe it’s because I want to show off how I have exclusive access to the pre-air of the next episode of Black★Rock Shooter (TV) – episode three – four days before it airs to the general public. Which is you. And not me. You don’t get to watch the episode. I do. Observe these screenshots – if I did not watch the actual episode, how would I have taken them?! Riddle me that, GENERAL PUBLIC.

As Bamboo sets into her every day life, eating macaroons and cheese, she realizes – SHE’S BECOME FAT FROM EATING TOO MANY MACAROONS AND SITTING ON HER BIG FAT BOTTOM ALL DAY LONG FOR THE PAST X NUMBER OF YEARS. Seeking guidance, she rushes over to the (aptly named) GUIDANCE counsellor of her school (she attends a different school than Tomato and Shark) – who happens to be the fat man in the dream!

I really have no idea why the direction suddenly changed this episode. Perhaps the director realized that Black★Rock Shooter (TV) was losing its competitive edge – its sheer ridiculously nonsensical delusional fantasy of little girls shooting each other with guns and macaroons. I guess Ordet’s upping the ante now, introducing a fat man into the equation. Here is the noitaminA show we’ve all been waiting for – the revival of noitaminA doesn’t have to wait until Apollon. The revival starts with you, Black★Rock Shooter (TV) – and you better not let us down.

Like the proverbial hallway of this image, Black★Rock Shooter (TV) is heading down a dark path. The moe fans threaten to desert its avant garde, soulless, moeless route, and the pretentious elitists have already dropped this anime like an African swallow would drop a 20-pound coconut hanging from its rear feathers. However, like this image, there’s a proverbial light at the end of the hallway. If the directors play their cards right, they could entice the moe fans to stay on for the moe girls, and the pretentious geeks to stay on for the complicated metaphysical meta-anime none of us have been waiting for. Furthermore, the addition of a fat character into the mix will elicit empathy for fat otaku – simultaneously those who know how hard it is to stop eating macaroni and cheese, and those who want cute underage robot-girls to dream of them.

It is the next scene that will undoubtedly prove the most controversial. You dies as the result of a tragic basketball-managing accident. Thankfully, unlike in the Black★Rock Shooter OVA, You’s not much of a main character in Black★Rock Shooter (TV), so that really doesn’t matter. What does matter is that she is revived by Tomato, who somehow uses the power of Black★Rock Shooter (TV) to rescue her from the afterlife.

I honestly don’t like Black★Rock Shooter (TV)’s portrayment of Black★Rock Shooter’s world. It’s too obviously just an exaggerated metaphor for the real world. I would understand if the metaphor were a bit more subtle, but girls in wheelchairs throwing macaroons? That’s a bit pushing it. In the OVA, Black★Rock Shooter turns out to be some… uh, magical thing, that saves Shark from… whatever she saved her from. But in Black★Rock Shooter (TV), last episode already told us that the entire Black★Rock Shooter world is just in Tomato’s dreams.

Hahaha. I was wrong about that, too.

Black★Rock Shooter’s world isn’t a figment of Tomato’s imagination.

Tomato’s a girl who can communicate with the afterlife.

And that is the afterlife.

As Tomato cries for You’s death, Black★Rock Shooter somehow notices, and brings You back to the land of the living.

And there it iends.

No doubt, fans are already foaming at their mouths. This addition upsets the entire balance of the world! Indeed, the entire foundation of Black★Rock Shooter is that Black★Rock Shooter is an embodiment of Tomato. But nope – Black★Rock Shooter’s just a dead girl with a gun. One would be able to argue that there’s still a 1-to-1 correspondance between the two wrolds’ characters, but as the background fades to black, we glimpse a horde of different scantily-dressed people, male and female, young and old, Japanese and African, gathering behind Black★Rock Shooter, all with their own unique weaponry.

How will this progress from now on? I honestly don’t know. Neither does the director, apparently. I get the feeling that he’s really decided to go the full way now, transforming Black★Rock Shooter (TV) from a boring anime about flat-chested, underage girls din bikinis being chopped up by saws and macaroons into an insightful anime about serious issues such as fat people and the afterlife.

Or maybe, perhaps it’ll become a neo-Fractale, an anime with ambition that doesn’t know what to deal with it. No matter what Black★Rock Shooter (TV) turns out to be, I’m sure it’ll be interesting. I can’t wait until next week, when once again, I shall receive exclusive access to the pre-air of the next episode of Black★Rock Shooter (TV) – episode three – four days before it airs to the general public! Just make sure not to tell anybody that you read this post – otherwise, my authority may be revoked due to my spoiling you guys.Please don’t.

Thank you.

Good day and good night.

P.S. What do you mean, ‘all the images in this post are upside-down’? Do they look upside-down to you? :|