Steins;Gate: Boukan no Rebellion 10

Rushing off to some Churchill thing to select courses now. Please be patient, boys are now EASTER LONG WEEKEND YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH your post’ll come later…

…but who said it would be about Steins;Gate?

[From the Diary of one Kib Cattenzokun, Novice Marksdwarf]

It was yet another day in the Fortress of Likotraz (or, in English, “Inkytooth”). I was continuing to build a huge wall that surrounded our entire fortress in some crude attempt to block off all invaders while still having access to Outside greenery, even though flying creatures would easily surmount the insignificant obstacle. Around me, I could see many other dwarves working at similar tasks – three constructing what would soon become a guard tower, another two building a bridge across the brook, a mechanic rigging up a side bridge to a lever, and a poor farmer attempting to haul a Nest Box to its required position, but having it claimed by a Turkey Hen before it even reached there. The scene was quite comical – the Turkey Hen quite literally jumped up into the Nest Box that the farmer was still holding!

The scene was tranquil – many of our most prized animals were grazing at the far side of the river, including a strong Stray Water Buffalo Bull the Expedition Leader says they took for the original journey, two strong cows (cow and bull), and another Stray Water Buffalo Calf that recently grew into a Stray Water Buffalo Cow. I was on break (building that huge wall) and the other soldiers were sparring, or listening to some dodging demonstration. I wish I could ‘dodge’ those dodging demonstrations – honestly, all I want to do is fight! Not sit around listening to some old geezer talk about… what did they even talk about?

Suddenly, a filthy goblin snatcher arrived in our fields of plump helmets on the west! Dispatching our entire military to capture the scum, he soon absconded child-less after out-running all of our 18 soldiers (but not before wounding a poor farmer with a Large Copper Dagger). Believing that our entire complex was impeccably defended and that no intruder ought to be able to get in, the farmer soon discovered how the thief thieved – a set of downwards stairs, leading straight from the surface down into the fields!!

The military stood around on the western mountains for a bit before begrudgingly trudging back, just as the yearly Dwarven Caravan came in and unloaded their goods. It was only the second year of Likotraz’s founding, and after our Expedition Leader foolishly attempted to trade those treehugging elves some shale bracelets in oaken containers (the elves left leaving only two incredibly offensive words behind, the second of which is a pronoun and the first of which begins with ‘f’), we were quite eager to finally dispose of all those toy instruments lying around.

But the peace was not to last.

A goblin ambush appeared on the east mountains. It was composed of two highly (?) trained squads of four goblins each; four Goblin Crossbowmen in one squad, and two Goblin Pikemen with a Goblin Axeman, lead by a feared elite Goblin Hammer Lord in the other. Levers were pulled and bridges were retracted; however, by the time the lever puller actually pulled the levers, the Goblins had already invaded our fortress. The only result of our pulling was the causing of an untimely demise for an unlucky Gem Setter.

Our troops were still coming back from the west mountain, and by the time they got to the goblins, they had already wrecked havoc on our poor bovines; that is to say, they killed them all, every animal grazing on the east mountains. Their Goblin Crossbowmen were truly to be feared; they encamped near our outside workshops near the river to the south, where they rained hell indiscriminately upon our soldiers to the north. Our -wooden bolts- were truly no match for their *silver bolts*, and I believe some recruits forgot to arm themselves with proper «silver battle axe»s, instead waging war with +wooden training axe+s. Soon, all 18 able-bodied fighting dwarves rushed to the scene, some aroused out of a peaceful slumber, others leaving in the middle of their meal. It was utter chaos, and as I rushed to the scene, +larch crossbow+ in hand, I didn’t care that I had no bolts; you can always smash a goblin with a crossbow.

The war waged on, but we outnumbered them nearly 3-1. They were gradually driven back, and with our many Tame Animals serving as adequate meatshields, we eventually caught the Goblin Crossbowmen in a mêlée blitzkrieg. Thankfully, two proficient Hammerdwarf merchants, Sazir Mezfikod Ibeshtislam and Kadol Fashkol, leapt to our aid, and eventually, all four Goblin Crossbowmen lay dying.

After slaying a Goblin Pikeman, the Goblin Axeman and remaining Goblin Pikeman fled, our soldiers at close pursuit. Granted, it wasn’t really close pursuit, for we had been training for less than three months; our soldiers were not even close to catching them. However, the Goblin Hammer Lord, Zom úsbudusmxu, suffered a major injury in her right foot, and three of our Marksdwarves, including I, soon caught the limping vagrant. So overcome by rage and excitement (indeed, one Fikod Likotshigós, drowsy, hungry, thirsty, wounded, and very unhappy, threw a tantrum that smashed Zom’s right lower arm), none of us thought of killing her with a well-placed -wooden bolt- fired at point-blank range; instead, we bashed her on the head with our crossbows until she finally gave in and died.

Serves you right, Evilfats.

The aftermath of the destruction was…

…quite strangely, serene.

Granted, half of our dwarves were now unhappy (although our Expedition Leader, cheerfully mining out passages seven z-levels below the surface, blissfully unaware that half our military died, was still ecstatic as ever). Granted, all our large adult animals died. Granted, we lost five Soldiers. Granted, a Gem Setter unfortunately perished. But at least we now have actual metal weapons…

–End of Diary–

Also, at least I, Mushyrulez, had fun.

P.S. Notes for next time:

1. get a dedicated lever-puller
2. make sure that when the bridges are pulled, nobody can actually, y’know, get into the fortress like that
3. add more traps!
4. make sure that the siege engines actually, y’know, uh, do something…
5. equip military with actual metal weapons (and, for that matter, actually make a metalsmith’s forge), not +wooden training axe+s…
6. build more statues because a tantrum spiral seems to be coming soon…
7. actually trade with caravans before they leave

Hey, back in the old days of 40d, all you had to do to have a military was put two dwarves in a room, have them fight each other, and wait until all were Ultra-Mighty, Perfectly Agile, Superdwarvenly Tough (which happened after, what, six months?) Now, I don’t even know how attributes work, and I haven’t even upgraded to DF2012 yet (still on v0.31)!

P.P.S. What does this have to do with Boukan no Rebellion? Well, just imagine Suzuha’s a dwarf, except she’s really tall and looks like a human. Now imagine that she lives in the human world and gets a time machine in a dystopia where SERN forces everybody to learn science. BAM! You now have Steins;Fortress: Boukan no Tantrum, or something like that

P.P.P.S. Wow, the caravan left without us trading them anything. laaaaaaaame