Avengers of O-New: Some Non-Anime Post
That’s right. Take the capital letters of that title, and what do you get?
Wait, no, that’s not right. That sounds too much like ‘K-On’ to be on a blog like O-New, which is entirely safe-for-moè-haters and quite dangerous to moè. Take out the N, O-New’s supposed to be Onew anyways (but it isn’t, because Onew sucks.)
…Oh snap. Time for an editorial post.
So, I recently watched Avengers, one of the most hyped movies of all time. Its opening weekend is the highest grossing ever, it’s the fastest movie to reach x million dollars in revenue, its opening week is the highest grossing ever, yadda yadda yadda. The sad thing is, this spellcheck says ‘movie’ isn’t a word. No wait, I mean, the sad thing is, I didn’t notice any of the hype at all.
Yes, I know, I compulsively tweet every single day but PSSST, I don’t actually read anybody else’s tweets! I’m an egocentric bastard! So I had no idea Avengers was so hyped up. In other words, when I say Avengers sucked, my perception isn’t due to it not living up to its hype.
No, it legitimately sucked. How did it suck? Like Mouretsu Pirates, that’s how.
See, it had this potential, this great potential to be stimulating, incorporating, resolving, explaining. Explanatory. It had this huge potential to be awesome, to have an Avengers universe where everything ties in with each other and everything makes sense. And it started off well, connecting all these different superheroes into one universe (somewhat separate from the main Marvel Universe, which is so convoluted and has so many immortal characters that it’s like Touhou, except instead of having absolutely no plot, they have ten thousand plots written by five thousand different people involving literally five hundred different characters that nobody can make heads or tails of). There was a baddie, there were the good guys, and nothing violated the laws of physics.
Ha, ha, ha. Don’t even get me started on the laws of physics. (What happens when you open a window in an airborne airplane? HINT: the air inside the airplane gets sucked outside! What happens when you rip a giant-evil-alien-space-worm-sized hole from the Earth’s atmosphere into space? HINT: it’s very hard for evil skateboard-riding space aliens to enter the Earth’s atmosphere when air is rushing out at >500 km/h!! It’s also very hard to FALL BACK INTO THE EARTH when, well, air is rushing OUT OF IT at >500 km/h…)
The main problem was that nothing made sense. Physics-wise, it was as retarded as Mouretsu Pirates (wait, guys, I don’t think a person who’s unharmed by bullets can be defeated by a guy with a heavy shield!), but the sheer amount of plot holes pushed physics completely out of the picture. For one, what’s the point of having a giant flying invisible airplane carrier if 1) there’s no difference between it flying and it being on the ground 2) there’s no airplanes to carry 3) it doesn’t need to be giant 4) its fans are destroyed by a couple of arrows 5) people know where it is even though it’s invisible? I’m sure an entire quarter of the movie was devoted to saving the giant flying invisible airplane carrier from crashing into the ground when they could’ve just, y’know, NOT HAVE IT BE FLYING (or giant, or invisible) IN THE FIRST PLACE!
How did Hulk suddenly gain control of himself at the end (when he was just running around smashing the Black Widow in the giant flying invisible airplane carrier)? Why is ‘airplane’ not a word, according to my spellcheck? Why does the Black Widow have… uh, a pair of guns? And nothing else? What the heck is wrong with my spellcheck? How come the policemen didn’t play a more crucial role in the protection of New York City? (Count up how many policemen there are, and count up how many guns they can shoot simultaneously. Now count up how many guns the Black Widow can shoot simultaneously. HINT: The policemen have more firepower!) Where the hell’s Spider-Man?
Why did Loki even attempt to take over Earth, a place with literally thousands of armed nuclear missiles placed everywhere around the globe, with a basically 19th-century army on cool skateboards? I mean, these guys have guns, and maybe a giant worm or two, but do they have siege engines? Do they have cannons and catapults? Do they have greek fire, or even conventional artillery? Do they even have grenades, or mines? What about machine guns and anti-aircraft missiles? What about ground-to-air weaponry and ICBMs? Do they have jet planes that fly at Mach 3? Do they have anthrax capable of paralyzing millions? Do they have the nuclear bomb?
No. They don’t. It’s literally the equivalent of having an ‘army’ of 400 Native Americans attempt to invade Spain in the 19th century. It’s sad. And at the end, as soon as the (completely defenceless) mothership explodes… everybody dies? I’m practically crying with pain right now. How can an army of advanced aliens BE SO STUPID?! Then again, Fury attempting to shoot down the planes loaded with the bomb was stupid too, because that bomb presumably saved thousands of lives from evil alien invaders. Except, wait, WHEN YOU CLOSE OFF THE PORTAL ALL COMMUNICATION BETWEEN THE ALIENS AND THEIR HOME SHIP IS DESTROYED ANYWAYS!
Oh, here, Mr. Eat The Babies has offered up explanations to several questions. But not any that I’m looking for.
Wait, wait, wait, let’s wrap this up. Nobody’s going to read through this post, anyways. Avengers is like Mouretsu Pirates. With just a little bit of extra work, it could wrap up all of the plot holes and create a brilliant show that really does pulls together superheroes (and, uh, the Black Widow) from all over Marvel. But it didn’t.
I guess the moral of the story is that as long as you make money, it’s fine? I don’t think it was worth $20 to see this in 3D just for explosions and, uh, explosions, but… y’know, if I could watch this for free, it might’ve been a pretty good experience. Kinda like REDLINE, y’know? At least it’s better than Mouretsu Pirates, which doesn’t even HAVE any action
tl;dr: Avengers has plot holes, nobody besides me cares, I want a refund, it was still a decent movie.
P.S. I was originally going to look through TVTropes to find things to write about but nah…
P.P.S. So uh the ‘adoption community’ was offended by a line where Thor ‘accuses’ Loki of being adopted. Funny, everybody in the theatre laughed during that line. Why? Not because we’re laughing at adopted people, but because he was backtracking. As far as my poor memory goes, it went something like this:
Asshole: Loki sucks.
Thor: Yeah fuck you.
Asshole #2: He’s evil.
Thor: He’s my fucking brother you dickhead.
Asshole #3: He killed my mother.
Thor: Yeah, well your mother was fucking fat.
Asshole #2: He’s trying to take over the world.
Thor: So are you, jackass.
Asshole: No, seriously, he sucks.
Thor: Yeah, seriously, fuck you.
Asshole #3: He stole the Tesseract.
Thor: I stole your mom’s virginity.
Asshole #2: That doesn’t even make sense.
Thor: I earn too much money to worry about cents.
Asshole #3: Quit being a dork, Thor.
Thor: Well quit being an asshole, Asshole #3.
Asshole: Hey, that’s his name!
Thor: Who would name their son ‘Asshole #3’?!
Asshole: WELL LOKI KILLED 80 PEOPLE!!
Thor: Oh. Uh… well.. he’s adopted.
OK, maybe that was offensive, because that implies that ‘being adopted’ is a valid defensive argument against ‘killed 80 people’. Well.