O-New: Now Extinct Website

Mouretsu Pirates 22

You’ve seen me moping about being sick the past few days. Actually, hopefully you haven’t, because this post was actually published on June 7th, 2012 and totally not June 18th because why would I publish a post that’s already been published?? It doesn’t make any logical sense! :o

Anyways, hopefully, you haven’t seen me moping about being sick the past few days. This is because I did not go to school the past few days, and if you saw me, it would be within the confines of my own home. And that’s creepy regardless if you’re a family member or not, for if you are, this blog is creepy, and if you aren’t, you are creepy. Stalkers. (psssssst click the link to understand this ~inside joke~ that’s not even a joke)

Regardless of whether you have or haven’t seen me moping about being sick or not the past few days, there is no doubt that Show is undoubtedly and indubitably radical sick

Have any of you dear readers ever been sick?

Hahaha, that was a rhetorical question. Of course none of you have ever been sick. You’re all figments of my imagination. Nobody reads O-New, except possibly my parents if you have seen me moping about being sick the past few days because nobody saw me moping about being sick the past few days except my parents.

Nevertheless, I have been sick, and can describe to you the feeling. It’s a feeling of stifling pressure, of uncomfortable lethargy. It’s a feeling of wanting to do something in your mind, but being unable to carry it out in body. It’s a feeling of depression and melancholy and the urge to sleep and lounge and do nothing for six hours coupled with the urge to wake up and write. It’s a drunken reverie of sleepiness, as if everything’s a dream and nothing matters. It’s a feeling of pain and nausea and exhaustion and puking. Lots of puking. So much puking that your teeth turn yellow. No, not really.

What does this have to do with Mouretsu Pirates? Well, I get the same feelings of nausea, exhaustion, and puking whenever I watch the show.


(I actually drew that image on mspaint. Notice the SICK PIXELLATION)

Once upon a time, I hated Mouretsu Pirates. It was stupid. It made no sense. Actually, before that, once upon a time, I loved Mouretsu Pirates. Its world was beautifully built; everything connected and seemed realistic and polished. Of course legal pirating exists, to protect the Sea of the Morningstar’s deep culture. Of course there are hardly ever any real pirate battles; did America ever physically invade the Soviet Union during the Cold War? Of course Marika only acts perfect to hide some sort of dark secret. Of course the whole point of Mouretsu Pirates was not simple pirate slice-of-life, but a broader grandiose political attack on the efficacy of large-scale United Nations-esque organizations expressed through a literal rebellion against the Galactic Empire.

HAH. Mouretsu Pirates sucks. Simply on a technological standpoint, what’s the point of a hand-held phone when everyone has brain implants or something? What’s the point of books that project holograms when you can simply use microchips that project the very same holograms? Why does Schnitzer use his hands to open the giant door in the Queen Serendipity instead of, y’know, a CROWBAR (unless his hands are stronger than any mechanical contraption, which makes sense because they have lasers installed in their bodies)? Why does Marika ride a bicycle when she’s late to school when the Sea of the Morningstar has no visible pollution problems (indeed, the Milky Way is easily visible even in the presence of streetlights, which are presumably low-pressure sodium ones), instead of using a dinghy or high-speed tram or even a car? How come, after x centuries, the limits of Japanese fusion cuisine are still pot-au-feu and curry when entire new habitable PLANETS, each with their unique vegetation and climate, have been discovered (unless we systematically wiped out all native vegetation and stored their carcasses in the Queen Serendipity. Explains why we never see any Serenity mountain goats anymore)? Why does everyone type with keyboards that look different every episode? There’s something known as keyboard STANDARDS (and when the keys are labelled, they still use the incredibly inefficient QWERTY instead of Dvorak Simplified…)!


Note: that’s actually Lynn and Jenny

Why does Chiaki wear glasses in an age x centuries after the advent of completely painless laser eye surgery? She can’t possibly not afford it because her dad owns an entire PIRATE SHIP. In the very first episode, Kane notes the lack of robots in the ‘anachronistic’ Lamp House. But wait, we have, to date, NEVER SEEN A ROBOT in this entire show (Schnitzer doesn’t count)!!! I understand that switching gravity on in the spaceship works if the spaceship is magnetic on one side (and the crew’s shoes are attracted to the ‘floor’), but how does it pull down food, and blankets, and books, and cargo? Are you telling me that instead of using magnetism, they literally induce a downwards pulling, non-centripetal (there’s only one ‘down’ in the Bentenmaru, and if it were rotating, the entire outside would be ‘down’) force for the sole purpose of comfort?! Furthermore, simply because gravity is turned off doesn’t mean that suddenly, everything will fly away. That’s partly true if the frame is rotating (due to centripetal force, such as on the Earth), but in a stationary plane! Inertia, guys. If you suddenly stop pulling a wagon, does the wagon magically bounce backwards? Simply because there is no force doesn’t mean that suddenly, there’s a force pulling everything in the opposite direction because – wait for it – THERE IS NO FORCE. Why do so many people need to do stuff on the Bentenmaru anyways? Why not put everything on automatic autopilot? Are there 30 different pilots on a Boeing 747? How many people had to type things onboard Apollo 13? OK, actually, a lot of people did for the latter so that was a horrible example but YOU GET MY POINT

That’s technology out of the way. Now: culture. We’ve already covered that pirating is a fundamental part of Sea of the Morningstar’s culture (remember during the Queen Serendipity arc, when Gruier was wondering what had ‘true value’? It’s culture, arts and culture). MEANWHILE, this Marika WHIPPERSNAPPER tarnishes the entire name of pirating with these garishly outlandish outfits. It’s like going to a Peking opera expecting traditional performances of history but getting RUSSIAN MILITARY MARCHES instead. Not only does it ruin the atmosphere, but it demonstrates a SEVERE disrespect for the entire HISTORY of Marika’s home planet. Y’know those teenagers who go about everywhere spraying graffiti and vandalizing cultural artifacts, like Robert Frost’s home, all in the name of FUN. Go fuck yourselves. Actually that sounds kinda fun. Just stop destroying culture.


(They are quite the NOSE-y bunch.)

So WHAT IS THE WHOLE POINT of this post?

The above two sections were sickness. Mouretsu Pirates genuinely made me want to puke. I could hardly write thirty-five words on the matter. I had this incredible lethargy and feeling of pain whenever I opened up a Mouretsu Pirates episode, and dreaded the day I’d have to write about it.

And now I’ve realized. It’s not that Mouretsu Pirates sucks. It’s just that I was sick. I was too sick, too perverted (not in the sexual sense of the term) to see through Mouretsu Pirates’s outer façade and find the true gem within.

Yes, I am now healed. I can write about Mouretsu Pirates without feeling nauseous anymore. In fact, I feel liberated. Blogging Mouretsu Pirates is fun, invigorating. Mouretsu Pirates may have flaws. It may seem to not make sense. The unenlightened may think it sucks. But the truth is…

Mouretsu Pirates is just an ironic hipster show.

P.S. Because some people may want to refute my rhetorical questions, don’t. It’d be like stealing candy from a baby – effortless, pitiful, insignificant, and a waste of your time.

P.P.S. On the other hand, this new feeling of catharsis could just be because I’ve recovered from my fever but WHO WANTS TO BELIEVE THAT

4 responses

  1. Pingback: Mouretsu Pirates 23 « O-New

  2. Pingback: Review: Week Without School « O-New

  3. Pingback: READ THIS FUCKING POST « O-New

  4. Pingback: Mouretsu Pirates 26 [Completed] « O-New