O-New: Now Extinct Website

READ THIS FUCKING POST

Subtitle: The Role of Titles in Articles (or should I say, artitles? Because titles are an art form! Get it? ha ha haaaaaaaaaa)

Is it I Say Wednesday yet? No? You say it’s Friday? Well, I say I CAN CHANGE THE POSTING DATE OF MY POSTS WHENEVER I WANT TO. This’ll be a meaningless essay meant only for the continuation of posting an essay on O-New every Wednesday.

Everyone knows that before content, before quality, before literacy comes titles. With bad titles, nobody will ever read your posts, no matter how exceptional(ly bad) they may be. With captivating titles, everybody will read your posts, even if the extent of your English literary ability is ‘huehuehue br rb br’ and you aren’t even Brazilian.

But is this really true? What’s in a title?

A title should accomplish three things: a) it informs readers of what they will be reading; b) it draws readers’ attention so they will actually read the article; c) it informs readers of the tone of the article. The difficulty of compressing all three expressions into one title is noteworthy (in fact, I am making a note of it at the moment), thus the prevalence of colons (these punctuation marks: not the organ (the collection of human tissues: not the musical instrument)) and tildes in post titles everywhere, ranging from ‘Mouretsu Pirates 25 ~ Wow Marika is a Bitch’ to ‘Mouretsu Pirates 25: Wow Chiaki’s Glasses Really Don’t Reflect Ultraviolet Light’ (i.e. they aren’t sunglasses). These inform the reader of what they will be reading (Mouretsu Pirates 25) and also draws their attention.

However, more and more titles accomplish not three, not two, but only one of these important concepts. Furthermore, some titles even expressly lie, cheat, and commit high treason. Examine the title of this post. It gives the impression that this post will be a expletive-filled, capitalized mess of rage, anger, and drunkenness. Furthermore, examine the titles of my Mouretsu Pirates posts. They say nothing of how my posts hardly ever have to do with the episodes themselves, and almost always (read: 1/13th of the time) venture off to a tangent about bad movies and how Mouretsu Pirates is similarly bad.

Examine the title of my Steins;Gate: Boukan no Rebellion 10 post (hint: the title is ‘Steins;Gate: Boukan no Rebellion 10′). Is it about Steins;Gate: Boukan no Rebellion, chapter 10? No, it’s about Dwarf Fortress. Why then do I use this title that a) does not inform readers of what they will be reading; b) does not draw readers’ attention so they will actually read the article; c) does not inform readers of the tone of the article? (This is a rhetorical question.)

Perhaps delegating so much to the title is inappropriate. Perhaps these ought to be embodied in post excerpts instead. Nevertheless, nobody can deny that titles play the most important role (they’re like dice or sushi, that’s why they play… rolls) in encouraging a reader to read an article. What if a title only needs to draw the reader’s attention?

Yes, friends and fellow enemies. It has boiled down to this. You have waded through more than five hundred words of pure nonsense and crap, and here is my conclusion.

Every single post title on O-New from now on will be completely unrelated to the post content. Expect many ‘THIS POST HAS HENTAI PICTURES’ and ‘HOW TO GET FREE ONLINE SEX’ titles in future instalments.

tl;dr: this was all just a giant awkward O-New promotional scheme don’t mind me
P.S. If you’re my English teacher look away

5 responses

  1. Informing the reader? The entire purpose of a title is to manipulate the reader into reading the article even if it has no relevance to any of their interests. High treason is the only path to victory.

    Also, everything is related to Dwarf Fortress if you dig into it enough.

    2012/06/30 at 22:10

  2. ;w; somebody understands me. every post in o-new will be about dwarf fortress if enough people digg us

    2012/06/30 at 22:12

  3. can i title my jormungand review as HOT LOCO KOKO IN THIS POST

    2012/07/01 at 02:18

  4. no

    2012/07/01 at 02:19

  5. Pingback: O-New: Weekend Review « O-New