O-New: Now Extinct Website

Mouretsu Pirates 25

First of all, let me make things clear.

You guys all suck.

Nobody has joined my quest to enlighten the world of the true nature of ~sunglasses~.

Do not worry. I will return next season, stronger than ever, with more sun and more glasses and more tsu pirates. Actually, lesstsu pirates because Mouretsu Pirates is ending next episode. I can’t let this chance slip away, so I will use this post to finally persuade all you ignorant plebeians of the wondrous abilities of ~sunglasses~.

Let us first examine the picture above. Chiaki is obviously in a state of extreme distress, but wherefore does this irritant originate? Closer inspection on the quality of her rims will reveal the conclusion: pink rims are for losers. Nobody enjoys being cast as a loser, least of all stupid tsundere types. Thus, I expressly empathize with her inability to wear cooler sunglasses, as I hardly ever wear non-pink or even pink sunglasses in real life.

In direct contrast and opposition to Chiaki’s doleful attitude, Marika radiates style and fashion sense out of her BROWN and NOT PINK hair. In fact, the style is so radiated such that Chiaki’s head has been shrunk by the order of fifty degrees, and Kane’s likewise. Unfortunately, this does not stop Marika from looking like an idiot.

Finally, Kane. Look at that smile. It is the epitome of proper ~sunglassability~. Observe how his pupils have been separated into two halves in his extremely black tan around his eye areas, caused by overexposure to ultraviolet porn. Truly a figure to be admired.

…what the hell am I saying?

That’s Kane’s younger brother! You can tell because the real Kane is an ironic pedophile who enjoys stripping naked in front of high school girls

Observe this image. San-Francisco (I forgot his real name, but he’s really fat, just like San Francisco)’s sunglasses seem out of place. This is because he is currently thinking of masturbation. After all, you can only ‘master’ a place that you already ‘know’ (in the Biblical sense). What is the Biblical sense of ‘know’? Well, 9. to have sexual intercourse with. Besides, one can spend their live in comfort in such a place, if you know what Snitch-er means. He’s called Snitch-er because his golden tooth is just like a Golden Snitch. In fact, he is currently thinking of ‘comforting’ himself, and his teeth are just exploding with satisfaction. In fact, they are shooting laser beams at his coworkers. In fact, the laser beams are exploding. In fact, he is de the facto of faction in facked




Wait. Remember during the Serenity arc, when Yosof (the butler) talked with Marika? Schnitzer and Unnamed Manly Crewmates #17 and #24 dropped their weapons, dropped their voices, said ‘It’s serious time now,’ and weird glowing lights flashed on their chests à la Fist of the North Star? No, of course, nobody remembers, but this proves that all these pirates have hidden weapons inside their bodies. In fact, guns are completely useless.

…So why does Ririka use a gun to disarm her opponents? And what’s the point of disarming an opponent when they have weapons in their chests? Dischesting an opponent would be the only way to go… and wait, those pirates /didn’t/ have weapons in their chests! So what’s going on here? Is the director of Mouretsu Pirates possibly -Spanish shock- MAKING A MISTAKE?!?!? Or maybe those opponents weren’t androids.

But for now, let us talk about more important topics, such as how Marika’s face appears to be in a composition likened to a frog’s, or about how Ironbeard actually has an Iron beard. New theory: Ironbeard is a tomboy who really wants to be a manly man, and so crafts a fake beard for herself. What a wannabe

This mysterious leotard-wearing albino creeper with a horrible fashion sense (no, the point of lipstick is NOT to make your lips look deoxygenated) does not make sense. She probably makes money, and she might make babies, but she does not make sense. Her orders are to attack pirates to test the efficacy of the Grand Cross, not because of malicious intent. So why would she want to destroy all the pirates?

This is obviously a sign of the upcoming Stellar Alliance rebellion against the Galactic Empire. The Galactic Empire mistreats the culture of their frontier vassals. They mock their identity. Space pirates in this part of the galaxy aren’t /meant/ to pirate ships, loot goods, or plunder booty (you can tell because all their boots suck. if they were true pirates, they would plunder boots and wear better ones). They’re /meant/ to continue cultural tradition and educate the populace with entertaining amusements and amusing entertainment. Just like we continue making bad spaghetti westerns to honour our past as bad spaghetti (note: humans actually evolved from spaghetti), pirates continue renewing their Letters of Marque to honour their role in the War of Independence.

Now, the Galactic Empire is a big, ignorant meanie, and doesn’t realize any of this. Just like when the Europeans set foot on First Nations soil, the Galactic Empire fires at pirates because they’re not ‘real’ pirates. That’s like, having an actual cowboy shoot someone acting as a bandit onstage. One: it’s ironic (in a bad way) and two: it’s really mean! How would you feel if I killed you… in SPACE? You’d probably feel cold!

Let us return to our actual subject. Observe closely the previous image. It depicts three fashionable gentlemen. But on closer inspection, they are actually DISGRACEFUL VAGRANTS who refuse to honour and respect the power of ~sunglasses~. The man on the left wears faulty sunglasses that do not even block the sun. Simply disrespectful. The Man in the Middle is a film about the murder trial of an American officer who killed a British soldier, and the pirate in the middle is wearing a monocle. His sunglasses are nowhere to be seen. Granted, he receives bonus style points for his elegant use of gold but NO SUNGLASSES.

Finally, the man on the right seems to adhere to proper manners, but he is not even looking through his sunglasses! Sunglasses which do not obscure the wearer’s face are not true sunglasses. If he were making a witty quip and an image of a sunset soon followed along with a YEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, I would not be adverse to his implementation, but as he is not, he has no valid excuse for not properly wearing his sunglasses. But they’re out in space in some giant rock floating in the middle of nowhere (read: space) so they don’t need sunglas-FUCK THAT, EVERYBODY NEEDS SUNGLASSES

tl;dr: inb4 final ending of mouretsu pirates, chiaki reveals her secret: she loves marika.


who is secretly an android. Just like every other member of the Bentenmaru except for Coorie. Marika’s an android too. You can tell because her hair is brown and not pink.

P.S. Maybe the Sea of the Morningstar’s technology is just really anachronistic because they’re frontier (read: hillbilly) planets nobody gives flying excrement about.
P.P.S. go to 10:25 in the episode, San-Francisco farts, loudly
P.P.P.S. What do those crewmates even do? Because they weren’t there when the yacht club was piloting the Bentenmaru, their job isn’t essential to the ship… so what are they doing there?!
P.P.P.P.S. Luca doesn’t even hide how she went to the resort planet only to have lots of sex
P.P.P.P.S. What the heck is a resort planet? Coming up with something lame like this must be the director’s…

…last resort

[–TRANSMISSION TERMINATED–] Error Code #9418 at Cx00011101: Transmission contained more than global maximum level of bad puns. Contact your systems administrator for details.

5 responses

  1. how you do this I don’t know

    2012/06/30 at 02:46

  2. do what

    2012/06/30 at 03:00

  3. Pingback: O-New: Weekend Review « O-New

  4. Pingback: Mouretsu Pirates 26 [Completed] « O-New

  5. Pingback: ‘Tis not too late to seek a newer world | O-New