Mouretsu Pirates 26 [Completed]
And it ends.
I was about to post a 4000-word essay about Marika’s callous disregard of ancient Sea of the Morningstar culture, or about the failings of electronics and androids in a post-FTL-drive universe, or about the political drive for mercenary coalitions to protect Marika’s Letter of Marque, or about the inherent hypocrisy and ironic stupidity in Mouretsu Pirates’s anime execution, and then I realized…
..since this is the last episode, this is my last chance to talk about Mouretsu Pirates.
So why not talk about everything? No, that doesn’t mean I’ll post a 16000-word post (read my winter anime previews for a 12000-word post). Instead… what about a story?
It was a dark and stormy night. Unnamed-director-of-More-Sue-Pirates-who-is-most-definitely-not-Sato-Tatsuo-because-Sato-Tatsuo-directed-Mouretsu-Pirates, who shall hereafter be referred to as ‘Mackenzie Ulysses Svetlana Harjot Zdrojkowski’ to conserve space, lay dead at his desk. The television set behind him flickered feebly, rings of static fuzzing the display as a shrill voice cried imperceptibly the onset of the fourteenth episode of Mouretsu Pirates:
“It’s time for some piracy!”
The assassin looked over his work, but thought it ill-advised to continue deliberation. Shoving his fat ass through the open window, he sneaked off noisily in the night. In his sneakers.
The joke is that Barbaloosa is a loser. Then I realized that wasn’t much of a joke but I couldn’t be arsed to re-rewatch the episode. This caption has been expertly placed as stark contrast to the preceding paragraph.
“Whoever heard of a legal pirate?!”
Mackenzie Ulysses Svetlana Harjot Zdrojkowski banged his fist on the table. The table banged the weight of his fist on the floor. The floor banged the force of the table on the poor tenants below them, and the poor tenants below them banged each other because it was 1 AM and everybody else was sleeping. But not Mackenzie Ulysses Svetlana Harjot Zdrojkowski. He was a man with a quest. And a question.
“Whoever heard of a legal pirate?!”
“Well, Mr. Zdrojkowski…” the acclaimed writer of the popular light novel, Mary Sue Pirates, timidly spoke up. “You see, they’re not actually pirates. They’re actually… not-pirates. They aren’t actually pirates. Theyrent pirate-atchoo!!”
“I DIDN’T ASK YOU FOR YOUR OPINION, MS. PIRATES.” Although it was true that Ms. Mary Pirates’s acclaimed light novel, More Sue Pirates, was a bestseller, Mackenzie Ulysses Svetlana Harjot Zdrojkowski did not understand its appeal. “YOUR LIGHT NOVEL SUCKS. ALSO, YOU’RE FIRED.”
As Ms. Pirates ran out of the studio, tears in her eyes, Mackenzie Ulysses Svetlana Harjot Zdrojkowski turned deviously back towards his legions of slave-animators. “STOP ANIMATING SLAVES!”, he yelled. “Animate cute girls in maid uniforms instead. If all goes well, by the end of this year, we’ll have…
…maid a lot of money.”
The collective groans were groaned collectively. But animating continued. Yet, a certain Mr. Mushyrulez was not fooled. From the beginning, he knew that this was all a great communist plot to steal our copyrights. Unfortunately, Mr. Mushyrulez was later arrested for pirating some foreign cartoon that nobody but the people arresting him cared about, and was never seen nor heard of, ever again.
I like my pasta the way I like my women: alive.
Mackenzie Ulysses Svetlana Harjot Zdrojkowski stared up at the sky. Three weeks had passed since he started directing More Sue Pirates, but he would not be able to keep it up for long. No; for he had begun to tire of cute girls in maid uniforms. He tried various gimmicks to prove to his superiors the validity of such an endeavour, but all for naught. The light novel just sucked that badly. There was no way to free himself from the depths of its insipid noxiousness. More Sue Pirates was too stupid.
But Mackenzie Ulysses Svetlana Harjot Zdrojkowski was no ordinary director, and More Sue Pirates was no ordinary anime. He had already fired the obnoxious Ms. Pirates and the entire anime’s production was up to him. It was up to him to turn a vapid Mary Sue wish-fulfilment and fulfil his wish of a genuine space opera, a realistic take on a fantastical genre. And if there was nothing more probable of genuinely existing x millennia in the future than pop-up ads. And how else to destroy Ms. Pirates’s carefully constructed ‘Mary-Ka’ (and Ashley) protagonist than paint her as a mentally disabled fool? Mackenzie Ulysses Svetlana Harjot Zdrojkowski slept well that night. In fact, he literally slept in a well. As you can see, his name is Finnish. I finished his name for him. In fact, I fished his name from a well off the coast of Finland.
Mary Sue Pirates woke up with a start. In fact, she started to wake up.
Her dreams were finally fulfilled! From being a young, aimless country girl, she had successfully written one of the hottest novels of all time: ‘the Kansai Guide to Identifying Common Roadside Peppers’, which soon became an international phenomenon and kindled a resurgence in the populace’s need for feminist-noms (that is to say, feminist cuisine). However, she was still bitter that that bastard Mackenzie segregated her out of the More Sue Pirates studio like the male chauvinist he wasn’t.
As she flipped through the channels, a familiar face glared at her through the glass. By Madoka – it was Chiashley, the annoying bitch she wrote about in More Sue Pirates! The bastard must’ve done everything he could to make Chiashley into a bitchin’ bitch; without her trademark pink sunglasses, Mary would never have identified the character.
“He’ll pay for it…” Mary muttered above her breasts. I mean, breath. Breaths. “HELL WILL PAY FOR IT!!” she screamed at the terrified waiter beside her. But she just woke up! I guess she got drunk and passed out in a restaurant that lets her flip through television channels.
Mackenzie Ulysses Svetlana Harjot Zdrojkowski did not intend to degrade Mary-Ka and Chiashley’s characterizations into what amounted to a miserable pile of tropes. It was merely a side-effect of erecting the greatest space opera ever erected in the name of erectronic warfare. Even so, prominent social critics, such as the late Mushyrulez, lambasted his unrealistic future technology. Too bad the idiot was dead. Oh, wait: turns out he just wrote seven posts on More Sue Pirates BEFORE it was even produced. His arguments have even less ground for consideration now.
“Dead men write no tales,” Mackenzie Ulysses Svetlana Harjot Zdrojkowski silently brooded. “But this is a cause for concern. Even this dead man could predict the outcome of my blinded struggle towards a one-sidedly culturally oriented space opera.” The technological contradictions continued, one after another, piling themselves up around his body until eventually, suffocated with mistakes, Mackenzie Ulysses Svetlana Harjot Zdrojkowski exhaled a fine mist into the air. Its vaporous qualities suspended the collective disbelief of a thousand viewers and the ghost of old Mushyrulez was pacified at last. Gone were Mushyrulez’s vehement tirades (though vestiges remained in the following link) and in its place stood wondrous awe at Mackenzie’s skilful painting of a polished, cohesive, and realistic backdrop to the action that occurred onstage.
HAVE SOME ENTIRELY UNRELATED SUNGLASSLESS INNUENDO
“It will be done, my liege.”
This was an interesting thing for Lord Lordy Lard to say, because there were no lords above him, and ‘liege’ could only refer to his subject: the subject of this clause, the subject of this clause, the subject of this clause, the subject of this clause, the subject of this clause, the subject. However, he was in fact in an airplane and all the other lords were busy digging wells into the oil-saturated fields of Alberta, and ‘Lord’ was merely his Christened name meaning ‘lord’. Lord Lordy Lard was a fanboy. And Ms. Mary Sue Pirates was his liege.
“You will be rewarded,” Ms. Pirates tantalizingly burped. “I will add an original character in your name. What do you wish he be called?”
“Oh, oh! I’ve been waiting for this opportunity for thirty-two years! I want my character to be called Quartz Christie, and she must wear blue lipstick because blue lipstick makes peoples’ lips look deoxygenated, and I’m a professional 500-pound assassin living in your mother’s basement!”
Ms. Pirates was petrified with disgust. Blue lipstick was Mackenzie’s idea, and all Mackenzie wanted to do was make her favourite character into a deoxygenated elderly slut. Furthermore, he just announced his intention to move into an anime-original arc! Pausing for several hours for breath, she then realized that the plane was about to crash in Hollywood, and that she hadn’t put on her oxygen mask: the reason why she could not breathe.
“And you still owe my mother your rent,” she retorted after much thought. “So make the job snappy.”
(Post-Mortem: The plane later crashed in Hollywood and everybody died, except for Lord Lordy Lard, who jumped off the airplane with the force of a 500-pound obese neckbeard, and Ms. Pirates, who jumped off the 500-pound obese neckbeard with the force of an airplane. Let us all pause for ten hours of silence in remembrance of the horrible people who lived after the crash. May Madoka smite their rotten souls in Her name. Amen.)
HAVE SOME UNCOMFORTABLE NON SEQUITUR INNUENDO)
And then it changed.
Fans were clueless. What happened to the writing? Why did the flow suddenly improve? Where was the focus on cultural ideals? What happened to realism?! This even enraged a certain dead blogger, who awoke from his eternal slumber (wait, it was eternal) to comment on Mackenzie Ulysses Svetlana Harjot Zdrojkowski’s true intentions. Did he not mean to create an epic space opera, after all? Was it all a clever ruse? Did he not try to make a good show after Fall? Is this a penny in my shoes?
Unknown to all, Mackenzie Ulysses Svetlana Harjot Zdrojkowski was unbothered by these baseless allegations. A coup d’etat had robbed him of his direction. Not only was his direction robbed, but so his director’s position stolen. Not only was his position as director stolen, but he was also taken away. Not himself, not his body, not his mind: his soul.
Mackenzie Ulysses Svetlana Harjot Zdrojkowski lay dead at his desk. The television set behind him flickered feebly, rings of static fuzzing the display as a shrill voice cried imperceptibly the onset of the fourteenth episode of Mouretsu Pirates:
“It’s time for some piracy!”
Lord Lordy Lard looked over the dead body, but thought it ill-advised to continue deliberation. Shoving his 500-pound ass through the open window, he sneaked off noisily in the night.
But Lord Lordy Lard and Ms. Pirates’s combined efforts could not salvage the enemy. The fans were misled and outraged at Mackenzie Ulysses Svetlana Harjot Zdrojkowski’s supposed betrayal. More Sue Pirates could have gone where no anime has gone before, a romantic conflation of politics, economics, technology, and crime into a polished package of side-story to Mary-Ka and Chiashley’s gallantly childish adventures. Mushyrulez lost his insanity and became sane. Then, he lost his sanity and died a second time, feverishly burbling nonsense ’til the end. He will not be missed.
More Sue Pirates was doomed from the start.
Why did anybody watch the show? Well…
Mouretsu Pirates is is wonderfully ironic. Watching an episode alone wasn’t too entertaining, but together with friends (e.g. my notebook of bad jokes and notes about Mouretsu Pirates’s inherent contradictions that aren’t actually contradictions, but I merely think they are because I’m confused), Mouretsu Pirates was actually kind of fun.
And I can’t forget the fun I had randomly inserting sunglasses into my pictures (and convincing others to do the same). I also legitimately fleshed out connections between Mouretsu Pirates and being sick and various movies such as Iron Sky, Macbeth (I know, not a movie, but…), and the Avengers.
So Mouretsu Pirates wasn’t very great in its own right. Do I regret watching it? Hell no. Would I watch it again? Well, no. Would I repeat this experience of watching a show and writing these horrid abominations of an article?
Damn motherfucking right I will. Mouretsu Pirates was what allowed me to do this, and this season, by focusing on only one show (I literally only watched one show for the thirteen weeks of Spring), it’s been more fun than ever.
Thanks for the great times, Mouretsu Pirates.
Overall Rating: 5/10 (Great)