O-New: Now Extinct Website

Words Are Online 1

Words Are Online

A short story, by Mushyrulez

It was a light and sunny day. Birds chirped in the background, tweeters tweeted in Starbucks, and construction workers spread their filth throughout the great city, verdant with colour and mud and Indian curry. Mackenzie Ulysses Svetlana Harjot Zdrojkowski sat morosely in front of his computer, sulking while sucking on a lollipop. Unfortunately, even the poor lollipop recognized Mackenzie Ulysses Svetlana Harjot Zdrojkowski’s suckiness, and proceeded to fall gracefully from his lips like a bulldozer as he gaped in shock at the title plastered in front of his computer in bright, glaring Comic Sans MS.

“Dot Hack Slash Slash… Ragnarok Online?”

Two people talk about how Maplestory sucks.

Two hours had passed. Mackenzie Ulysses Svetlana Harjot Zdrojkowski slammed down his earphones, which was quite a difficult manoeuvre as they were still firmly embedded inside his ears. Yet, wells have no fury like a Zdrojkowski scorned.

“This game sucks! It’s too deep!”

For the subject of his diatribe was .hack//, and his vituperations were founded upon truths. The premise of .hack//Ragnarok Online was absurd: you control a character in the world of .hack//, who controlled a character in .hack//’s The World, who controlled a character playing Ragnarok Online inside The World. An unenlightened soul might nick it ‘Fatal Haxception’, a pun which embodies three meanings simultaneously, but the enlightened deems it only one word: doggerel.

It was up to Mackenzie Ulysses Svetlana Harjot Zdrojkowski to rectify this injustice. And he rectified it in the only way he knew how: through the lead designer’s rectum with words.

The caption is: 'and when you feel the skill begin to activate, let it explode.' OR IS IT?! You'll never know...
The penis mightier than the ejaculations of this caption!

With swift and nimble fingers he delicately composed a message to the Central Collective Committee of Playing .hack//Ragnarok:

Dear Sirs and Mesdames,

.hack//ragnoark onlind is STUPID AS FCUK ..the stotry says that teh main charactur is controling the person in THE WOLRD with the pwoer of his mind becuase hes connetecd 2 the virtual sensros and that sensis the movements of his bodie….. so he can run and jump in THE WOLRD rite??

well if u wernt so SUTPID ud realize that AKCUALLY he;ll MOVE N ReAL LIFE if he trys 2 move his legs int he game THINK ABOUT IT if he move his legs so that he can moev in the game then he moves his legs IN REAL LIFE!!!!!11 also why does he CACH HIS BREATHE when he runs in the game??? he isnt move his legs in real life………so he shouldnt be tired

my dad is colege profesor and he sayz: ‘it is all direct connect to nurf in ur brain and it inter seps the signeel so ur legs dunt move in rel life and also u fee lthe pain’ but i read on yahoo answers that nurfs dont acually EKSIST!!! they r all conspeeracy by the govermen wat u say now

explain that RETADRS and next time befur u makd a SHITY game lern sum basic GEOMETRI. peace

Suddenly, his teriyaki and mayo pizza and ginger ale arrived in the mailbox in the form of a formless Elder God-like bean. With delight, he unhooked his iPod from his adaptor and fit the bean snugly inside just like a bean in a ‘pod. And so the matter rested, and all memory of penning the letter vanished swiftly from Mackenzie Ulysses Svetlana Harjot Zdrojkowski’s mind.

Ceci n'est pas une image de la pizza à mayonnaise.

But the peace was not to last.

The developers of .hack//Ragnarok Online were so gripped by Mackenzie Ulysses Svetlana Harjot Zdrojkowski’s ingenuity and ingenuous nature that they promptly published the article on their popular weblog, NO-KNEW. Within seconds, more than ten thousand copies of NO-KNEW vanished from stores and were disseminated into the hands of nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety nine adoring fans (the other guy incinerated his copy in a religious display of naturalistic affection).

So when Mackenzie Ulysses Svetlana Harjot Zdrojkowski woke up the next day, legions of reporters were already swarmed around his underpants.

“What the fuck, guys? These are my fucking underpants! MY FUCKING UNDERPANTS!”

Unfortunately, this careless remark soon propagated through the Internet; for he was Irish, and the Irish pronounce ‘my’ with an intriguing accent that may be easily mistaken for an English ‘me’.

It was a light and sunny day. Squirrels squirrelled in the foreground, stoners were stoned next to the elementary school, and breakfast-sandwich makers spread their jam throughout slices of toast, brown with colour and toast and… bread. Mackenzie Ulysses Svetlana Harjot Zdrojkowski sat morosely in front of his computer, sulking while sucking on a popsicle. Unfortunately, even the rich popsicle recognized Mackenzie Ulysses Svetlana Harjot Zdrojkowski’s suckiness, and proceeded to fall gracefully from his lips like an African elephant as he gaped in shock at the accusative letters blazed in front of his computer in bright, glaring Papyrus.

“Mackenzie Ulysses Svetlana Harjot Zdrojkowski is a self-professed… underpants-fucker?”

His life was ruined. He knew of the Streisand effect; he effected a straight and new face. There was no path down but up, and ‘up’ is a euphemism for ascending to heaven, which is a euphemism for dying, even though suicide is the capital sin of self-murder. There was no way to erase what he said, as Mackenzie Ulysses Svetlana Harjot Zdrojkowski realized with a noxiously nauseating repulsion.

After all, his Words Are Online.

tl;dr: I really love how Sword Art Online covers up all its bases with this one introductory episode. Sure, nothing really happened (Fate/Zero much?), but this solid, holeless foundation provides a solid, holeless foundation for a solid, holeless story. Holeless isn’t a word, so just imagine a donut/bagel without a hole in the middle and you’ll know what I’m talking about.

P.S. It’s nice that they don’t add pain to the equation, and in fact, the entire thing actually seems a bit like an MMO (though they sorta shoved the ‘THEY DON’T FEEL ANY PAIN’ down our collective throats a bit too much during this episode)…

P.P.S. However, having a limited EXP pool does not feel like an MMO at all. What was this guy thinking?

P.P.P.S. I was wondering why they couldn’t just remove the internal battery or wait for it to deplete, when I realized that the internal battery’s only use was to kill the victim as soon as the main power was turned off. Then I realized that Japan was prone to earthquakes. Then I realized that earthquakes can shut off power supply. Then I got sad…

P.P.P.P.S. Wow, UTW and GotWoot’s typesetter

P.P.P.P.P.S. This scenery porn… >(≧∇≦)<

3 responses

  1. “Two years worth of semen made a glopping noise as it flowed endlessly into Asuna.” — Sword Art Online, volume 1.

    2012/07/17 at 04:38

  2. it wasn’t published so it doesn’t count as volume 1

    2012/07/17 at 05:30

  3. Wasn’t it published? I thought it was.

    2012/07/17 at 07:35