Words Are Unlined 2
Words Are Unlined
A NSFW fapfic, by Mushyrulez
GOOD MORNING AGENT MACKENZIE ULYSSES SVETLANA HARJOT ZDROJKOWSKI STOP
WE HAVE RECEIVED REPORTS OF AN ENORMOUS FIVE HUNDRED POUND NECKBEARD LOSER LIVING IN HIS PARENTS BASEMENT STOP HOWEVER IT IS NOT HIS SUPERFLUITY THAT IRKS US IT IS THE HORRID FANFICTION THAT HE HAS WRITTEN THAT HAS INFECTED THE HEARTS AND MINDS OF CORRUPT JAPANESE SCHOOLGIRLS WORLDWIDE STOP AND BY WORLDWIDE I MEAN IN JAPAN STOP
THANKFULLY WE HAVE ALREADY ISSUED A RESTRAINING ORDER ON HIM INTENDED TO PROHIBIT THE CONTINUED PROPAGATION OF HIS GLOPPING PROSE STOP THESE RESTRAINING ORDERS PROHIBIT HIM FROM APPROACHING WITHIN THREE METRES OF ANY TYPEWRITER OR LINED PAPER OR ANY OTHER FORM OF ELECTRONIC OR ERECTRONIC DEVICE THAT MAY ENCOURAGE HIS WRITING STOP
THUS YOUR MISSION SHOULD YOU CHOOSE TO ACCEPT IT IS TO STOP HIM FROM WRITING THIS INSIPID FICTION IMMEDIATELY BY SPYING ON HIS PREMISES AND PROMPTLY ARRESTING HIM SHOULD YOU OBSERVE HIS INFRINGEMENT OF THE AFOREMENTIONED RESTRAINING ORDER STOP
AS ALWAYS SHOULD YOU OR ANY MEMBER OF YOUR IM FORCE BE CAUGHT OR KILLED THE SECRET ARES WILL EAT DONUTS WHILE LAUGHING ABOUT THE UNITED STATES NATIONAL DEBT STOP YOUR COMPUTER WILL SELF DESTRUCT IN FIVE SECONDS STOP GOOD LUCK AGENT MACKENZIE ULYSSES SVETLANA HARJOT ZDROJKOWSKI STOP
“Woah, what the well, man?!” screamed Agent Mackenzie Ulysses Svetlana Harjot Zdrojkowski incredulously at his computer monitor. “This computer stores the entire collection of the world’s CP!! What would happen to the economy if it were destroyed?! Wait… how can this self-destruct if this is a telegram delivered by mail? I mean, I just received the package from the mailman, and there’s nothing ins-”
The room lay in ruins. The ceiling had caved in on itself; a slash of pure energy had severed a gash evenly across the centre of the floor. The walls, already decrepit with age and termites, were streaked with a dash of red. Broken glass shards would’ve lay strewn about the windows if the basement had any windows, but the basement was a basement and basements don’t have windows. An old bookshelf wobbled dangerously to and fro, the covers ripped clean off the spines of its books, a large wooden plank jutting out from its shelf precariously. As if on cue, a panel of the ceiling fan dropped straight down and dislodged the board from its location, making a glopping noise as it smacked down onto the wood below.
The piece de resistance of the room still glimmered feebly from its rectangular prison even as circuitry dangled from its metal tower, a large image of a cat plastered across the display. It flickered fifty-three times and then went out, but Agent Mackenzie Ulysses Svetlana Harjot Zdrojkowski was not counting. Neither was his severed arm. This is because he was unconscious from the explosion, and his arm was an arm. Arms don’t count.
Gary Stu Pirates turned in his turning chair around and around in glee. He recalled a quote from a sagacious individual: “Inspiration comes from CP. If you don’t have Cat Pictures, then it comes from Fox News.” Unfortunately, he did not have any CP; the explosion which destroyed Agent Mackenzie Ulysses Svetlana Harjot Zdrojkowski’s computer also destroyed the world’s entire collection of Cat Pictures, and cats never existed in the first place.
Thus were the last words of Agent Mackenzie Ulysses Svetlana Harjot Zdrojkowski’s sentient computer: “Even if I get destroyed by an explosion, I don’t want to get destroyed by an explosion.”
But that did not matter. Gary Stu Pirates was 15 years old, and millions of people worldwide (that is to say, millions of people in Japan) were already reading his newest novel: Sword Art Online. In an attempt to augment his considerable literary talents, he had digressed to recount prominent news stories of the day: and the prominent news story of this day was the complete destruction of Agent Mackenzie Ulysses Svetlana Harjot Zdrojkowski’s room by an unknown explosion.
However, Gary was oblivious to Agent Mackenzie Ulysses Svetlana Harjot Zdrojkowski’s true nature: that he secretly worked for the IM Force, and that Mackenzie’s first name was not ‘Agent’. Gary was also oblivious to the existence of the Idiot Management Force, the world’s leading force for managing idiots such as Gary Stu Pirates.
Suddenly, Gary’s door promptly made a glopping noise as it exploded.
For Agent Mackenzie Ulysses Svetlana Harjot Zdrojkowski survived. And he did not forget his mission, striding into the dimly-lit basement like a man on a mission.
“WHO’S THE FIVE-HUNDRED POUND NECKBEARD LOSER LIGHT NOVEL WRITER LIVING IN HIS PARENTS’ BASEMENT?!”
Gary stood up and laughed. Actually, he sat down and laughed because he was too fat to stand up.
“I’m not a mere light novel writer. Oh no. My purple prose flows as elegantly as a porpoise, my every orifice leaks pure literary talent wherever I go, and my use of words is as deadly a penis your sword! Oh no, I’d rather you not compare me to those newbies. I am the GOD OF LIGHT NOVELS!!!” Gary proudly proclaimed.
Agent Mackenzie Ulysses Svetlana Harjot Zdrojkowski was suddenly gripped by an intense wave of disgust. “Ewwww… so… your every orifice leaks pure literary talent, and your penis is an orifice, so… is your pure literary talent cum?”
“YES, PRECIS-” Gary caught himself mid-sentence. “I mean, no. Cum is my literary talent. Wait, no, I mean, uh… come, I’ll give you some of my literary talent,” he said in a tantalizingly creepy voice. The folds of fat that covered his eyes made a glopping noise as he attempted to wink alluringly.
“On behalf of the Idiot Management Force, I hereby arrest you for being fat.” Agent Mackenzie Ulysses Svetlana Harjot Zdrojkowski then hereby arrested Gary Stu Pirates for being fat.
“Wait, that’s discriminatory!”
“Yes, you’re this criminal ‘Tory.”
“No, I’m a Liberal!”
“Fine, I was merely joking,” Agent Mackenzie Ulysses Svetlana Harjot Zdrojkowski chuckled, as he stopped arresting Gary Stu Pirates for being fat. “I hereby arrest you for violating your restraining order that prohibits your approaching of within three metres of any typewriter, lined paper, or any other form of electronic or erectronic device.”
“Hahaha! You think you’ve won against me, the great Gary Stu Pirates?”
“Of course! After all, how could you have typed such a flowery description of the severing of my arm,” Agent Mackenzie Ulysses Svetlana Harjot Zdrojkowski turned instinctively towards the stump hat was all that remained of his right arm, interrupting himself mid-speech before continuing, “Without paper, computer, nor typewriter?” It was true: Agent Mackenzie Ulysses Svetlana Harjot Zdrojkowski did think that he had won.
“Hehehe.” The slightest glimmer of a smile appeared on Gary’s face, and by ‘slightest glimmer’, I mean wow holy shit his smile is creepy. With a speed unexpected of a 500-pound neckbeard, he whipped around to a box expertly hidden in plain sight on top of the coffee table Agent Mackenzie Ulysses Svetlana Harjot Zdrojkowski was standing on (wait, why was he standing on a coffee table) and procured an immense stack of blank paper. “Do you understand now?”
Waves of shock made a glopping noise across Agent Mackenzie Ulysses Svetlana Harjot Zdrojkowski’s worry lines as he slowly backed away from the abomination. “Y-you couldn’t have!!”
“THAT’S RIGHT. Who needs lined paper?! I can write on blank paper just as fine. Observe the following sentences which I have written on this sheet of pure white innocence!” Pulling from the bottom of the stack a messily scribbled over scrap of parchment, he started his recitation like so:
“I could feel my hot sperm gushing deep into Asuna as she trembled in yet another climax. Two years worth of semen made a glopping noise as it flowed endlessly into Asuna.”
“How’s that for you?! Awed at the power of my genius?” Gary Stu Pirates was so wholly absorbed in his carnal reverie that he only just noticed that his hands were cuffed firmly together. “Wait, you only have one arm, how did you do that? And wait, why are you arresting me?! You have no excuse for arresting me!! This is a social injustice!!!”
Agent Mackenzie Ulysses Svetlana Harjot Zdrojkowski was undeterred as he dragged Gary off into the jail with all the speed of someone dragging a 500-pound neckbeard into the jail. As he peacefully sauntered away from the building, the pained screams of Gary echoed their way through the hall.
“YOU CAN’T ARREST ME! I WAS JUST WRITING ON BLANK PAPER! NOT ON LINED PAPER AT ALL!!”
“MY WORDS WERE UNLINED!!!”
tl;dr: Kirito acts like a bitch so that everybody else stops fighting with each other. Listen to his last words closely, they stress that the other beta testers are also stupid noobs, which should dismantle Kibaou’s feeling of inferiority.
P.S. Why did Diabel ‘sacrifice himself’? It wasn’t even a sacrifice, it was refusing to drink a potion you could’ve bought for like, 50 gold at some shop or whatever. Seriously, what is up with that guy? It’s just a potion, it’s not worth dying for…
P.P.S. ‘Asuna’s anus a’ is a palindrome
P.P.P.S. How come everybody’s name in Sword Art Online are so normal? Why is there no animeweeblord420 playing? ಠ_ಠ
Re: “Why is there no animeweeblord420 playing?”
Who do you think the first 2000 people who died of PvP were?
2012/07/17 at 23:33
Hmm defiling Asuna on unlined paper is oddly poetic. 2D girl being broken in a 1D art.
2012/07/17 at 23:33
there once was a girl called asona
err’one who saw her got a boner
two years worth of semen
glopped as they flowed ‘en
i will never write limericks ever again
2012/07/18 at 00:15
“AH! HELP ME! AH-NEE-MAY-WE-BLORD IS KILLING ME!”
“We are now searching for a certain Ms. Annie May Weeplore who is rumoured to have murdered over nine hundred of our fellow gamers.”
p.s. I guess it’s animeweedlord, not weeblord, but weeblord has that weeaboo connotation
2012/07/18 at 00:17
Pingback: What I Write Posts For « O-New
Pingback: Sword Art Online 3 « O-New
Pingback: Trainin’ in the Mountains « O-New
2012/08/08 at 03:36
well yeah commander obvious, shallow shit is logically impossible
2012/08/08 at 07:22