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Sword Farts Online 3

Sword Farts Online

A nested loop of dubious quality and dubious nestedness, by Mushyrulez

“”””Get out.”

Mackenzie Ulysses Svetlana Harjot Zdrojkowski, seated comfortably behind a large mahogany table with his legs crossed on top of it, looked up from his erotic volume – if you know what I mean.

What I mean is, he paused his reading of Sword Art Online Chapter 16.5 for two main reasons. Firstly, the work was so depressingly vapid that he couldn’t help but kick it into the incinerator conveniently glued to the ceiling, raining ashes, infernos, and fiery hell onto the poor individual underneath. Secondly, the poor individual underneath the incinerator was so distressingly constipated that he couldn’t help but ogle at the poor member, if you know what I mean.

Exhibit 1: The Onset of a Fart.

“I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU MEAN!” shouted the constipated Christian Felix Clean to the unassuming narrator sitting in the corner, talking with a monotone voice in the third person. “GET OUT OF MY FUCKING OFFICE!”

Mr. Clean’s current office was located in the small village of Fucking (pronounced ‘FOO-king’), Austria. However, he had many offices outside of Fucking, such as his London (Canada) office, his Post office, and his Microsof-”

JESUS CHRIST seriously the nerve of this guy kicking a respectable lady like me out of his office and I didn’t do shit to his office. what is this guy’s problem seriously I mean I wasn’t the person sitting so smugly in his chair, that was YOU, I was just crouching in the corner talking descriptively of the incinerator an-wait, what, are you recording this? is THAT the reason you have a typewriter strapped to your chest? what? what the fuck let me seajiwfgldsk,cdkjlvnmjhdhic;a,qwejbfbmn x,x mn m asd etaoinshrdluetaoinshrdluetaoinshrdlu”

Exhibit 2: the Suppression of a Fart.

Mackenzie Ulysses Svetlana Harjot Zdrojkowski ended his speech to wild applause. For over thirty years, he and his monotone narrator coworker, Ms. Oné W. Bloggs (pronounced ‘oh-NAY DUH-bowl-u BLUE-gksh’), had doggedly pursued the elusive Mr. Clean, and finally, they managed to enter his Fucking office. Unfortunately, all Ms. Bloggs did was sit in the corner and narrate their story, while Mackenzie Ulysses Svetlana Harjot Zdrojkowski, legs crossed on the mahogany table, sat typing everything Ms. Bloggs uttered.

At times, she would utter such titbits of trenchant wit and wisdom such as, “Kuroneko’s a guild of SIX PLAYERS (that is to say, she’s fat). There are EIGHT THOUSAND players in Sword Art Online. Now, I suck at MMO gaming, but I don’t quit a game until I’ve amassed a guild of at least thirty other players, which takes approximately half a month of gaming. THEY’VE BEEN PLAYING THIS GAME 24/7 FOR THE PAST FOUR MONTHS. wwwwwwwwwwhat.”

At other times, she would comment on the poor individual underneath the incinera-”

Exhibit 3: the Constipation of a Fart. Yes, it's a deliberate oxymoron. No, it's not supposed to make sense.

“Daddy, can I hear a better story?”


“Why not?”

“I really need to fart.”

“Is Kirito going to wear that stupid Level 1 Midnight Coat until the very end?”


“Why doesn’t he buy a better coat?”

“Son, a person who keeps cardboard armour in their inventory is too stupid to buy better coats.”

“Why does a random girl who appears in the OP even though she died within the episode suddenly want to sleep with Kirito?”

“Son, there are some things in life you simply don’t understand.”

“What’s the point of Kirito levelling up and soloing as a Beater if he’s not on the front lines?”

“Son, what I’m trying to tell you is, you’re an idiot, stop asking questions.”

“Fuck you, daddy. Your stories suck too.”

“I know. But now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to… Sword Farts Online.”

“That doesn’t even make sense!”

tl;dr: a failed experiment in nested stories due to health reasons

P.S. I almost cried during this episode because a) poor Kirito can’t have sex with dead girls b) the music is really beautiful c) seeing Nicholas the Renegade ruined my childhood

P.P.S. Wait, how did she know she was going to die? I mean, they weren’t frontliners or even grinding really hard, so what’s with the suicidal message?

3 responses

  1. you won’t be able to come up with a witty title for every post in the later episodes, you do know that right

    2012/08/01 at 16:16

  2. I’ve actually planned out every post from now until the end with witty titles

    don’t look though

    2012/08/01 at 16:53

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