O-New: Now Extinct Website

Sword Mart on Limes 4

A story of maples, by Mushyrulez

“That’ll be 200,000,000 mesos, please.”

“Fuck this shit!”

Kiritoe spat on the ground. Unfortunately, MesoStory was a 2-D side-scrolling platformer, and Kiritoe pressed F6 to activate the emoticon representing ‘spitting on the ground’.

Unfortunately, MesoStory did not have such an emoticon, for it was a shitty Korean game nobody played that had horrible pixellation even though the technology exists to do otherwise. Case in point:

A picture of pixellation. A pixel of picturation.

Instead, Kiritoe spat onto his outstretched naked thigh.

…He soon realized the full ramifications of his act.

“Damn, I should probably wear some clothes now.”

A few minutes later, Kiritoe returned to his monitor, pants in hand (yet still not on leg).

“I suppose I’ll go farming for some more mesos, then. But where can I possibly get two hundred million mesos?” Kiritoe thought for a while. Just then, the visage of a petite blonde girl ran up to him, her crystal dragon trailing behind.

“Woah, Silicon, what are you doing here?”

“ur a fukkin loser man y didnt u pik me up wen i got so wasted last nite huh??? fukker”

“Silicon, we’ve been over this. It’s your own fucking fault for being too fat to fit into my car.”

Although she looked cute in-game, in reality, he was a five-hundred-pound-overweight (that is to say, five hundred pounds above regular weight) neckbeard weeaboo loser in real life who frequently got into drug-related issues with the local pharmacy. He was also Kiritoe’s best friend. After all, it’s hard for five-hundred-pound-overweight neckbeard weeaboo losers to be friends with anyone but their own kind.

A picture of Kiritoe and Silicon in real life. No, you don't want to see it.

“muthafukka dont do taht evr again or i kil u”

“Sure, sure. Now then, I really need mesos to buy this thing I’ve been ogling for the past decade-and-a-half, but don’t know where to farm mesos from. Got any bright ideas?”

“hmm……………………………………………….” Silicon’s long string of dots would’ve represented his current pensive mood, absorbed in careful thought and reflection if Silicon were capable of such advanced endeavours. Alas, it was not to be.

“y dont u killl the mushymom”

“Alright, let’s go!”

Onwards they set, but not before pausing at a player vendor’s shop in the Sword Mart (named for their considerable stock of swords) to stock up on some Limes. Silicon was a breast tamer, and required a constant supply of mana to tame his breasts, of which a Lime can regenerate 150. Remember, Silicon was a girl in-game, but will not be referred to as such for the purposes of clarification.

“holy fuk thes limes sell 4 200k”

“Stop drooling on your keyboard, Silicon. Limes have always sold for 2k.”

“no i mean the slimes sel 4 two hundrd k”

“Yes, a slime pet has to be bought with actual gold, so of course they’d be relatively expensive.”


A picture of Kirito's hardened exterior, if you know what I mean.
And now for something completely different: Kirito’s abs-coloured shirt

Kiritoe paused midstep to click open the vendor’s shop, and sure enough, Limes were selling for 200,000 mesos. Dismissing Silicon’s appeals, he shrugged them off: “Don’t mind him, he just put a random number in there for fun.”


True enough, all the shops on the street were selling Limes at such an exorbitant price. And, unbelievably, right in front of his eyes, the Limes were selling out, one by one; people were actually buying Limes, 160-meso Limes that healed 150 MP, for 200k.

It was breathtaking.

But not for Kiritoe, who recognized an opportunity when he recognized one, and immediately started off to farm Limes. Unfortunately, the only Limes could be harvested at the top of the notorious Hill of Memories: notorious for featuring badly-rendered tentacle monsters that only targeted female players for the sole purpose of embarrassing their low-quality sprites in front of their male companions. This was hardly a deterrent for the great Kiritoe, the Black Swordsman (in West Philadelphia, born and raised).

“Hey, Silicon. Let’s go farm some Limes and vend them off for 199k.”

“no fuk u im tird of tentacal munsters flilping my skirt al de time. nd wen i run out of mesos my boobs becum wild and i cant control dem nymore”

“You’re a fucking loser. You know it takes two people to validate the Lime-dropping criterion. Besides, you’re not even a girl, you cancerous pervert; you probably just picked the Breast Tamer class because Penis Warrior sounded retarded.”

“P0N0S WORIOR DOE SOUND RETARDED!!!!!! besids just warp their fukkr im nevr playig this retrdaed game ever agin”

“Thanks a lot.”

This image is ironic.

However, when Kiritoe warped to the Hill of Memories, he found the whole farm…

…populated by Chinese sweatshop workers.

“GET OUT OF MY WAY, FUCKERS!@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@” he screamed from the top row of his keyboard. “YOU’RE GOING TO RUIN THE GOING RATES FOR LIMES!@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@”

Yet, it was already too late. As legions upon legions of Chinese slaves poured Limes indiscriminately down from the eaves of the Sword Mart, the price of Limes dropped beneath the vendor price, and Kiritoe’s dreams of owning the 200-million-meso rare item were shattered in front of his very eyes.

However, a shard of hope ran through his ears like the Roadrunner, except more metaphorically.

“H-Hey,” he tentatively asked, approaching an unsuspecting Chinese sweatshop worker. “Do you mind if, uh, I… b-b-BUY SOME MESOS?!!!”

“yes yes very good free wow gold online buy viagra penis enhancer enlargement program free work from home google paid advertising porn $2493 every day porno nude poker play http://www.freemesostorymesos.com/free/buyfreemesosonlinenow/buy.php”

Long story short: Kiritoe buys the mesos, finds out that either a) the item was already sold or b) the item was a +1 5-slot work glove and either way commits suicide. Nobody in the Sword Mart cares. The price of Limes stabilizes at 160 mesos.

That’s the end. Thank you for reading Sword Mart on Limes.

Moral of the story: don’t be an emo teenager who wears black all the time. only a true black man can properly harness the power of

Corollary: you don’t see fat people in SAO because they died

P.S. reiteration: five members is not a big guild

P.P.S. why didn’t kirito arrest rosalia when they met her going into the inn

2 responses

  1. Pingback: Mushyrulez’s Extremely Trivial Askings « O-New

  2. Pingback: ‘Tis not too late to seek a newer world | O-New