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Sword LARPs on the Rhine 5

An experimental light novel-esque, by Mushyrulez

“We’ll lure the field boss into the village.”

“W-Wait a second. If you do that, the villagers-”

“That’s the idea. While the boss is killing NPCs, we’ll attack and destroy it.”

“NPCs aren’t just mere objects like trees or rocks. They’re-”

“Alive? Is that it? They’re just objects. They’ll simply respawn if they’re killed.”

“I can’t go along with this.”

“I, Vice-Commander Mackenzie Ulysses Svetlana Harjot Zdrojkowski of the Knights of the Rhine, am overseeing this operation. Jim Johnny Jones, you will obey my orders.”

“Man, I mean yo, what the fuck? Is there any need to LARP so seriously, dude? I mean I’ve honestly never seen somebody as retarded obsessed with decorum as you, and I’ve been involved in some pretty sick LARPing back in my day. Yo, I understand acting like some asshole commander in-character and shit but we haven’t even started the game! I mean really we’re just like scouting out venues now, not preparing to kill NPCs or whatever. You disgust me. Get out of my fucking sight.”

Made a glopping sound as...

“Well… if that’s how you want to go, then fine by me. I, Vice-Commander Mackenzie Ulysses Svetl-”

“We get the fucking idea.”

“Regardless, I am the designated leader of this LARP, and if you do not obey my commands, I shall use the power invested in me to dispose of you accordingly.”

“Oh? What man, you wanna fight? Take out your retarded foam sword and by the honour of my great-grandfather James Johnny Jones, let’s duel this out like LARP.”

“Sword? Who said anything about fighting with swords? I did say accordion-ly, after all…”

“Why the fuck do you even like have an accordion with you, dude? That’s just fucking ridicul-”


“W-Woah, what was that sound? It sounded like some really hot girl needs my help!”

“I, Vice-Commander Mackenzi-”

“Yeah, whatever I’m gonna see what happened… HOLY FLYING MOTHER OF DONKEYS! Some armoured guy was like stabbed in the chest and stuff! There’s even blood flowing out of the wound! I mean, wow, what dedication to LARPing he has. I wouldn’t even go that far, cause like it’s so fucking hard to buy fake blood packs without seeming like a creep no-”

“He’s dead, Jim.”

“Wow, that’s like totally gross and stuff. I mean how can foam swords pierce such heavy armour? Fucking ridiculous. Excuse me, did anyone see the whole thing? Please tell us if you did!”


“Um, my name is Oné W. Bloggs.”

“Was that first scream yours?”

“Y-Yes. I came here to have dinner with the man who was just killed. His name is Christian Felix Clean. We used to be in the same guild. The two of us got separated in the plaza. I looked around, and there he was, stabbed to death by the Rhine…”

“Woah man, wait a sec: guild? You were in a guild with this guy? Duuuude, you have got to like tell us where good LARPing venues are, cause we just like flew in here two days ago and stuff.”

“I-I don’t feel… very well…”

“Sweet dude, there’s a LARP guild here! Why didn’t you like tell me this earlier? Now when this Mary girl wakes up we can like just follow her to their super secret headquarters and-”

“The man she came to ‘have dinner’ with just died, alright? Can you have some fucking sympathy for once?”

“Wait… are you really telling me that he like just really died?”


“Well, fuck.”

Moral of the story: don’t have Sword LARPs on the Rhine.

P.S. Changing Asuna’s personality every time we see her (granted, it’s only twice) is not character development. In the first episode she was some generic anime heroine and now, she’s just some perpetually angry bitch. Really, count the number of seconds her eyebrows are >:| and divide that by the total number of seconds you see her eyebrows and you’ll get like 0.9 or something

P.P.S. Why would you be able to see other players’ interfaces in SAO? That’s the worst design you could possibly come up with… then again, trying sleep-pk on some Arabic guy would be funny as you grope around trying to understand the right-to-left squiggles onscreen

P.P.P.S. Notice how all of SAO’s named girls have different hair colours. CONSPIRACY

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