Swore Dalton Line 6

A detective mystery, by Mushyrulez.

Oné W. Bloggs’s body dropped lifelessly to the ground beneath them, a silver dagger glistening red in her back.

“Vice-Commander Mackenzie Ulysses Svetlana Harjot Zdrojkowski of the Knights of the Rhine, you handle the rest!” cried Jim Johnny Jones as he spotted a dark shadow moving in the distance. “I’m going after him!”

“Don’t!”

Of course, nobody listens to Mackenzie’s advice, and so Jim Johnny Jones sped off into the sunset, gun in hand. As he raised his monocle to steady a shot at the cloaked assassin, to his immense surprise…

…the assassin disappeared.

The Westminster bells echoed their 9 o’clock prayer throughout the city as Jim Johnny Jones trudged wearily towards the inn. The inn of the late Ms. Oné W. Bloggs. The inn he thought no killer would be brave enough to trespass. But they did and Bloggs was dead.

In front of the door, Christian Felix Clean lay in a pitiful position, tremulous from shock and fear.

“That was the ghost of Countess Grise l’Ada Dalton!” he screamed with psychotic certainty. “She’s here to take revenge on all of us! A ghost could easily disappear into thin air…”

“That wasn’t a ghost. There’s got to be a scientific explanation for the murder.” Even as he said these words, Jim Johnny Jones quivered in anger and confusion. “There has to be.”

An hour later…

“I see! So that’s what happened!” Jim Johnny Jones shouted out from inside the lavatory.

“Huh? What did you figure out?”

“We… No, I didn’t really see anything. I thought I saw something, but I was looking at something entirely different.” Jim Johnny Jones started talking more and more excitedly. “The disappearance of the assassin. The assassin that disappeared… never existed in the first place!”

At this surprising conclusion, Jim Johnny Jones flung open the stall door, in the process displaying his virile organ to young maiden Mackenzie. She was not impressed.

Meanwhile…

“Countess Grise l’Ada Dalton. Your forgiveness is my only salvation.” Christian Felix Clean prostrated himself in front of l’Ada’s grave. “I’m sorry! It’s my fault!”

The dreary woods around him seemed to call back a faint reply through the all-encompassing fog: “You’re… a… faggot.” But it was only Clean’s imagination run wild.

And then a voice.

“Really?” A mysterious female voice echoed in the trees. “Really? Really? Really? Really? Rea-”

“Y-YOU CAN STOP THAT NOW.” Clean was determined in mind to regain some of his lost dignity, even as his body faltered. “I-I know you’re not r-really l’Ada’s g-ghost! G-G-Ghosts can’t speak!”

“Uh, then why would you try to talk to her ghost?”

To Clean’s rigid astonishment, the girl revealed herself as none other than the ‘slain’ Oné W. Bloggs.

Back at the lavatory…

“N-Never existed?”

“Yeah, most likely so. One does not simply disappear into thin air. But my eyesight can still worsen. Just like my intelligence.” Jim Johnny Jones quietly explained. “The dark shadow that appeared on the rooftops was not an assassin: it was my myopia, fooling me.”

“S-So the thing that disappeared was…”

“Yes, it was just me looking through my monocle and realizing that I was chasing nothing at all. Which means the dagger that killed Bloggs appeared out of nowhere.”

“You know what, Jim?” Mackenzie sweetly opined. “You’re a fucking retard.”

In the woods…

A sudden slash of pain hit straight through Clean’s right shoulder.

“ONE DOWN!!”

A multitude of suspiciously cloaked figures emerged from the darkness. Suspiciously cloaked for they wore their cloaks upside-down, and Clean rightfully pointed this out to their leader.

“…Oh, yeah, sure.” The leader of the bandit gang replied. “I thought the tag was at the top… sigh, these Chinese products never make sense. Anyways, PREPARE TO DIE!”

“OBJECTION!!!”

Storming in in a brown Model T, Jim Johnny Jones rushed to their rescue. “Looks like I got here just in time,” he announced threateningly. “So, what’ll it be? My allies will be arriving any minute. Are you going to take on 30 police officers?”

“Tch. We could kill you here and now within ten seconds, but we won’t because you’re the protagonist.” The bandit leader growled. “Men, retreat!”

“So, uh… why were they here to kill us?” Clean whimpered. “It couldn’t have been a coincidence…”

“You’re right. That’s something I never figured out. Perhaps Gary Stu Pirates can enlighten us.”

“Here he is.” A shadowy figure emerged from the shade, led by Mackenzie. “You can ask him the details.”

“Wow, where do I begin?” Pirates stared into the sky. “Let’s start with Oné’s fake death.”

“What was the point of that anyways?”

“I don’t know, but I’ll tell y’all how we did it. We just bought one of those Halloween fake daggers for a dollar and since none of you even bothered to check the body and all, she was able to slip away. Then, uh, I wanted to erase the evidence, so I hired those guys to kill y’all.”

“Frank, are we?”

“No, I’m Gary Stu.”

“Awfully blunt of you to admit to planned murder. Spit it out: why did you kill Countess Grise l’Ada Dalton and steal her ring for money?!”

“Money?” Pirates scoffed. “Money, you said? It wasn’t for money.”

“The Dalton family has ruled the land of Isle of Wight for countless generations. As the eldest in the family, l’Ada would undoubtedly inherit the throne.”

“The fuck do you have against her?!” Bloggs shrieked. “What are you gonna get from her death, you fucker? You’re not even in her family, so you can’t possibly become Count!”

“Holy shit,” Jim Johnny Jones finally noticed. “So everything you did was…”

Mackenzie Ulysses Svetlana Harjot Zdrojkowski audibly gasped.

“That’s right. If it weren’t for you guys, my plan would’ve been a success, and I would have complete reign over the Isle of Wight.”

Gary Stu Dalton gazed wistfully into the sombre sky.

“Two years ago, the old King had sworn me in as a member of his family. Two years ago, on this very day. I Swore Dalton Line.

tl;dr: who the fuck puts berries in sandwiches

P.S. I like how Kirito’s thought process is explained through both twists, although his serendipity is astounding…

P.P.S. Isn’t a paralysis spell way too OP in PvP? Unless everybody travels with healer classes… OH RIGHT, NO MAGIC = NO HEALERS

P.P.P.S. I remember in Episode 2, they said you didn’t have to eat every day in SAO? I wonder if more durable food lasts longer on the ground. Remember, five seconds…