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Hourai Is A Stubborn Twat

alternate title: “Hourai Attempts To Guide Readers Through Dark Souls: Prepare To Die Edition But Does It Very Poorly”

This is Hourai, and he is A Twat.

In this adventure, he opens up Dark Souls.exe…

…and is immediately assaulted by the devil itself.

This is an unexpected jump in difficulty, but, then again, the game is Dark Souls. However, through a clever exploit, he is able to escape the clutches of Satan.
{You need a Games For Windows Live profile to save in Dark Souls, however, you don’t actually need a Windows Live account. When it asks you to make a new profile, you can make an offline profile instead, although this will prevent you from doing anything online. For the purposes of not getting our butts handed to us by invading spirits, we will play offline.}

Hourai, as we have mentioned before, is a Stubborn Twat. As a Result, he chooses to play without a gamepad; instead, using the keyboard to get himself brutally murdered many times in succession.
{Keyboard controls have been criticized before, but I don’t have a gamepad anyways. The worst part is probably the camera being controlled by four keys, but it’s still not as bad as people make it out to be. Key bindings and other settings are listed at the end of the article. Also, I am using Durante’s patch for the resolution problems, which allows you to use fullscreen and hide your cursor while making the game not look all blocky and rough. Fix is here: http://blog.metaclassofnil.com/}


And Sir Rebrahl is ready to go into the fray, slashing people in the face, because Sir Rebrahl is all about the brawl and being all cerebral and things. [Bonus points if you saw what I did there]
{The only two important decisions here are Class and Gift. Pyromancer’s very good for beginners, and ((Master Key)) has the most effect on your game. ((Tiny Being’s Ring)) does not actually restore HP over time, it only gives you a 5% boost to HP. The description is a lie.}


Plot, plot, plot, plot, plot, backstory, plot, gods, plot…


One short, incredibly explodey cutscene that barely is relevant to our hero at the moment later, some guy drops a rotten corpse in our cell. With it, Rebrahl loots a key and commences Operation Jailbreak.


He murders two other passive undead, because he’s a dick, and emerges into the courtyard! Lighting the bonfire restores all his health and he’s good to go.


Off to the side, right of the BIG MENACING DOORS, there’s a door. Sir Rebrahl isn’t strong enough to MANLILY MAN-RIP the UNMANLY DOOR in a VERY DRAMATIC and THEREFORE MANLY fashion, so there’s no going that way yet.


Holy crap, these doors are heavy! But our hero’s strength prevails in the furious conflict between him and the aperture! Man, versus wooden boards! Triumphant, he emerges into the next room…


OH SHIT


THE EXIT THE EXIT I CAN SEE IT IN THE DISTAN-arsg;ahrkjahldkfjhalkjsdfh


Rebrahl’s life is saved by the intervention of a sliding portcullis, although he could have clearly beaten the Asylum Demon at the time, obviously, no two ways around it, it must be so. Another bonfire lit, another health bar restored, and our hero is back on his feet.
{While possible to fight the Asylum Demon with the Broken Straight Hilt, you will do 2 damage with each swing. If you manage to beat him without any healing, doing 2 damage at a time, you are probably a god.}


The irritating Hollow Archer is needling Rebrahl with arrows; as he seeks cover, he acquires the ((Cracked Round Shield)). The archer, upon noticing his arrows being blocked, flees from the monstrous beast who emits testosterone faster than half of the factories in China put together. He adds a ((Hand Axe)) to his arsenal, prepared to kick ass and chew bubblegum. After kicking the ass of the cowardly Hollow Archer, he enters the dark corridors…


Immediately, Rebrahl spies a Man In Need! Unfortunately, Rebrahl is still not MANLY enough to RIP THE DOOR OUT and GROWL MENACINGLY in an UNINTIMIDATINGLY SILLY MANNER.


{A collectable you can’t get for a while. Ignore it for now.}


Up these stairs lies a DEADLY TRAP! Sir Rebrahl, with his usual grace, dodges the flying cannonball by jumping down to the stairs to the right! …and suffering fall damage. He glares menacingly at the rusty sphere of doom, thwarted once more.

However, the Bowling Ball Of Belated Beheading Or Something has opened a hole into the chamber with the Man In Need.


Rebrahl LECTURES the Man In Need, who gives him an ((Estus Flask)) and the key to leave. Then he dies.


Cerebral walks down the stairs, opening the Stubborn Door, leading back to the courtyard with the first bonfire before advancing up the stairs to confront the scumbag Hollow who pushed the Goddamn Giant Sphere Of Death at you.


After beating up some more foolish Hollows, picking up a ((Pyromancer’s Flame)), and beating up some more foolish Hollows, he’s prepared to Traverse the white light.


IT’S YOU AGAIN. I HAVE RETURNED. PREPARE TO MEET YOUR MAKER


TASTE MY HAND AXE, YOU GIANT MORBIDLY OBESE LAME-AS-HECK EXCUSE FOR A BOSS


ow


TAKE TWO, YOU EXTENSIVELY MASSIVE THROBBING FAT actually i’d better shut up now


Victory, at last. Our hero loots a well-deserved key and drinks from his rusty Estus Flask, before dueling with another set of Impudent Doors.


Then he is snatched up by a crow and eaten for dinner. The End.


Alternatively, he is deposited at Firelink Shrine, making a badass entrance in the most manly way possible.

Then Hourai drops dead from exhaustion and never has to write a post again.

2 responses

  1. Altsune

    Congratulations, nya~ ^^

    2012/09/04 at 03:58

  2. Unspeakable Bringer-of-Shame

    You were defeated by the asylum demon? Shame upon your family name.

    2012/09/05 at 00:55