O-New: Now Extinct Website

Sword Art a Lion 10

WARNING: To all who appreciate Shakespeare, proper English grammar, and/or Sword Art Online, I apologize in advance for any permanent emotional/mental damage reading this post may have inflicted upon you. Serves you right for reading O-New.

A Shakespearean re-enaction, by Mushyrulez.

ACT I

SCENE I. The Headquarters of the Knights of Blood.

Enter HEATHCLIFF, KIRITO, and ASUNA

HEATHCLIFF: If thou wishes to elope with Asuna,
Be best to settle it in noble battle.
If thou succeeds, so win you her, but:
If losing thus, thou’dst join the Knights.

KIRITO: In battle fair, so let it be.
This affair, I’ll settle upon my sword.
And be not one to cry ‘Hold, hold!’

Exit HEATHCLIFF

ASUNA: Thou art dull beyond dull,
In fight with valiant Heathcliff, how dost thou
Expect a victory?
It is murder to regard such.

I don't even know what a plum-face would look like...

KIRITO: Dissolve thy fears, for fearing such,
Thy complexion approaches a plum.
A warrior shirks never the call of war,
To bait me thus Heathcliff reigns cunning,
Yet against cold steel what words can show?

ASUNA: Thy abilities extend past mortals’ reach,
But Heathcliff dost have more withal.
His shield is saintly,
His robes sacrosanct,
A Nemean beast; sees none his blood.
Alack! I mourn for thee.

KIRITO: If he merely acts the Lion,
Become it, O sword of mine.

Exeunt

SCENE II. The Colosseum.

Enter HEATHCLIFF and KIRITO, with Spectators

HEATHCLIFF: Their lust for blood fades not.

KIRITO: Aye, though of coins abundant I’ll partake.

HEATHCLIFF: Art ye prepar’d to join our ranks?
For winning henceforth is an impossibility,
As much as the ant which dreams of flight,
Or the sparrow which longs to water-dive,
Or the trout-fish which craves the land.
Thou’dst do better yet to yield forthwith.

KIRITO: Thy knowst I will not yield,
Till my flesh be stripp’d off clean my bones.

They fight and KIRITO is defeated

HEATHCLIFF: Thou’rt but an oversized rat,
To thou I shalt not breathe my last.

Exeunt

ACT II

SCENE I. In a shack.

Enter KIRITO and ASUNA

KIRITO: In simple styles I do delight,
And to vulgar fashions do not intend.
Maid, did I instruct you not:
A robe to fit my desires?

ASUNA: Forgive me, noble master,
To scour the shoppes’s no easy task,
And thinking of thou all the while,
Did I choose such a dress.
Dally not: for thou’rt no more a wolf.
To hunt alone and spurn the packs,
Is behaviour to condemn.

KIRITO: To call sour grapes would understate
The myriad thoughts I entertain
Of my condition.

ASUNA: Prithee, answer me thus:
For what did thou remove thyself
From companionship withal?

KIRITO: ‘Twas a tale steeped in memory,
And the croaching mold of time.
Kuroneko was thy name.
A merry bunch; well versed in spirit and soul,
But not in body.
‘Twould be their destruction. When,
Ambush’d by rogues and villains.
Fought they their best, but to this end too,
Gasped their last.

ASUNA: Thou liest!

KIRITO: I wish ’twere so.
Yet if I say not sooth,
Behead me hence.

ASUNA: Worry not, brave knight, for
I shalt not perish from juvenile trappes.
Unless it be thou that betrays me,
For thou’rt a careless narcissistic egotistical irresolute conceited arrogant chuunibyou knave.

Exeunt

ACT III

SCENE I. The Headquarters of the Knights of Blood.

Enter KIRITO, ASUNA, and GODFREE

KIRITO: To guildly duties I resign myself, for
Having not the experience of ages,
I am in your stead;
So, if thou wishes battle from Kirito,
Speak forthwith.

GODFREE: Expressly so: to promote that which
Thou lacks in practice,
We shall practice that which
Thou promotes.

ASUNA: Embellish not your words, for
I’ve hidden desires to fornicate with him.

GODFREE: Thou art a slut!
Even thou knowst the Knights’ rules:
One shalt not fornicate with any
Till past their initiation.
Therefore, Kirito: ’tis thy duty,
If thou craves Asuna’s girth.

So that's why she wanted to quit...

Exit GODFREE

ASUNA: Curses on him that now cleaves us!

KIRITO: Curses on robes without cleavage!

Exeunt

ACT IV

SCENE I. In front of the Headquarters of the Knights of Blood.

Enter KIRITO, GODFREE, and KURADEEL

GODFREE: Sirrah, march quicker lest
Thou stays us till the apex comes!

KIRITO: ‘Twould be so, had seen I not
The loathsome thing which accompanies thee.
Speak, man: from whence did thou come?

GODFREE: Worry not, friend, as I call you such,
For all who’s a Knight’s a friend of all Knights,
To retain lost malice does not befit
One titled thus.

KURADEEL: Forgive me, gracious Sir,
For what man can resist the vices of lust,
And pride, and wrath, and jealous envy?
No man: ’twas rash rage that undid me,
When finding my liege thus kid-napp’d,
And a dashing fellow ‘neath her bosom,
Answer: what recourse wouldst thou take?

KIRITO: A simple task for all but knaves:
To bait her, then bed her, then wed her’s an
Expedition of mine ventured thrice.

KURADEEL: Master, thou art cunning!
Allow me even the weeds of thy harvest.

KIRITO: Thou must earn it.

GODFREE: See how camaraderie blooms!
And our contradictions settled thus,
Let us to battle hustle.

Exeunt

SCENE II. In the Grandum Canyon.

Enter KIRITO, GODFREE, and KURADEEL

GODFREE: Halt!

KIRITO: What sees thou?

GODFREE: ‘Tis no enemy, but the call of emptiness,
For a starving warrior’s no warrior at all!
Let us rest hither momentarily. Catch!
Nourishment’s half the battle.

Throws away bottle

KIRITO: Pah! You call this drink?
Spirits of the dead rather this be!
Explain, man: which Medea concocted this
Veritable wolfsbane?

Paralysis is OP, man...

KURADEEL: ‘Twas I, honourable lord.

KIRITO: The devil damn thee ghost-faced nut!
Remove thyself from mine vision!
I need not a brewer of thy aptitude.

KURADEEL: As you desire, my liege.

Exit KURADEEL

GODFREE: By my sword, the brew of Kuradeel
Has indeed the redolence of faeces.
Of all foul aromas, a nonpareil.
Forgive me: a rest is in order.

Exit GODFREE

KIRITO: To contemplate alone this forlorn scene,
Befits a slave more than I; yet,
As trials are to one, not less another.
Woe! Armed trenchant of words and steel,
Though mine Cloak of Midnight’s no equal,
When all’s done and o’er with,
We’re naught but recluses,
Slaving ‘way our days to the screen.
To-morrow, and to-morrow, and to-morrow,
Creeps in this petty pace from day to day
To the last syllable of recorded time,
And all our yesterdays have lighted fools
The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle!
Life’s but a walking shadow, a poor player
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage
And then is heard no more: it is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing.

Exit

ACT V

SCENE I. In a shack.

Enter KIRITO and ASUNA

KIRITO: ‘Tis a meal exquisite, my Lady.
Evoking mem’ry of our previous lives.

ASUNA: Come, let us withdraw within,
And do that which sustains all creation.
Disrobe thyself hence, lest I be
Paralysed of shame.

KIRITO: Thou’dst do well to be so shamed,
For I’ve not beheld such a slut as thee.
My intentions were Platonic, and yet, thou
Perverts the purest of thoughts.

Seriously, Asuna is a slut...

ASUNA: Y-YOU BAKA!!

KIRITO: Worry not, ’twas mere jesting.
‘Tis common knowledge that all fans of
Animation Oriental are licentious neckbeards.

ASUNA: Yes; to placate these voyeurs’ lust,
We must partake in copulation.
Worry not, for I, Tiger Blade Asuna,
Wield a power beyond male conception.

KIRITO: If a tiger thy sheath fits in fine,
Let us to bed; mine Sword Art a Lion.

tl;dr: SWORD ART ONLINE’S SCENES (Acts?) CHANGE TOO FAST ALSO ASUNA IS A SLUT

P.S. Thanks to @ShakespeareSong for ruining my entire afternoon. Also thanks to my English teacher for pointing out that Shakespeare’s plays have innuendo every other line. :(

P.P.S. I like how Asuna says ‘I’LL PROTECT YOU’, actually does save him, and then breaks into tears like a generic female protagonist after realizing that she can’t possibly compare to the sheer manliness of Kirito. Great job, sexism. I’m quite impressed.

P.P.P.S. Paralysis is pretty game-breaking… being able to kick antidote crystals out of people’s inventories is even worse…

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