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The Second Coming

On December 21st, 2012, the 13th Mayan Long Count b’ak’tun will end, exactly 1,872,000 days after the creation of the world on August 11th, 3114 BCE. It is the end of an old cycle, and the start of a new. Five b’ak’tuns before, Jesus Christ ascended to heaven.

What does this mean? The end of the world is not the end: it is the beginning.

The eve before Southern solstice, the NASDAQ Stock Market and the New York, London, Tokyo, Hong Kong, Shanghai, Toronto, Bombay, and Taiwan Stock Exchanges will simultaneously collapse as over 50% of investors scramble to exit the market in time for armageddon. The day will pass; nothing will happen, but the world will plunge into economic chaos, creating a global, decades-long depression greater than the Great one.

Amidst this chaos, a son will be born. And his name shall be Wonderful Counsellor, because he will become the world’s most prominent stock broker by trade. However, a Chinese communist propaganda minister will cross paths with him and indoctrinate him with purifying baptization into the glorious mother country or something. I don’t care if baptization isn’t a word and that you can’t baptize someone into a glorious mother country shut up

A rich mafia gangster will bribe the young… guy (no, his name isn’t actually ‘Wonderful Counsellor’) with wealth beyond his imagination; however, he will resist temptation because he’s communist and what’s money?

Then he’ll go around places and make people communist because capitalism killed the world. However, the politicians won’t believe a word he’ll say, and will soon enough inflict calvary incarnate upon his poor commie body. Then he’ll be like ‘hey I’m actually jesus reincarnated’, but nobody will believe him because Matthew 24:36.

THEN THE SKY WILL RIP OPEN AND GOD WILL BE LIKE ‘hey yo guys that’s Jesus ok’ and some people will be communist and eventually take over the entire world. Unfortunately, five b’ak’tuns later, people stop caring about economic beliefs in the new era of SCIENCE and vow to separate state from school. or something this sounded better at the dinner table

5 responses

  1. Ahahahahahahahahahahaha…


    …but god doesn’t exist… <_<

    2012/12/09 at 09:17

  2. The b’ak’tun is now officially my favorite unit of measure for time.

    2012/12/09 at 15:43

  3. B(

    2012/12/09 at 19:22

  4. I wonder if anyone read through this not knowing what a b’ak’tun is

    2012/12/09 at 19:22

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