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Goblin Christmas

Goblin Christmas is the wonderful time of the year when a vile force of darkness arrives. All the good little dwarves stay underground while Goblin Claus leaves his treats in the trap-lined entrance to the fortress.

In the morning, when the all-clear is sounded, everyone rushes to the entryway, and gathers up the Goblinite for melting and the silk socks for decorating the magma fireplace.”

It would’ve been such a merry day…

…if I had raised the upper fortress bridge in time.

This nurse actually killed a goblin crossbowman when none of my regulars did, though...

It starts off with poor Lokum McThirsty going outside for a drink. Instead of a shot of dwarven beer, he got a shot to the fourth finger, right hand. I didn’t have any alcohol because my brewer was busy drinking, eating, sleeping, and on-breaking.

They were an ambush of eight crossbowgoblins, and they chased Lokum McInjuredInTheHand all the way back into the fortress. I pulled every lever I could see, but THE TOP BRIDGE WASN’T CONNECTED TO ANYTHING.

Seeing the goblins rush in through my fortress’s metaphorical chimney, what else could I do but order all hands to bear arms? Stationing five dozen plump, unarmed, unarmoured citizens around the chimney-shaft, I waited for the goblins to arrive.

Unfortunately, I ‘accidentally’ set the militia’s equipment to [r]eplace clothing. And didn’t assign any armour. SO THEY’RE ALL BLOODY NAKED AND ABOUT TO FIGHT EIGHT HEAVILY ARMOURED CROSSBOWGOBLINS.

Just imagine blood everywhere from every direction at once.

Thankfully, they were crossbowgoblins. They bashed some dwarves around a bit with their crossbows, but we were 60 and they were 8. Ten seconds later, they were dead.

(A goblin thief tried to steal away on the top left, but with 60 dwarves between him and his flight path…)

Then again, my dwarves were all butt-naked. The only clothing they wore was the smears of goblin blood covering them from head to toe. And their guts. Some goblin ripped out a cook and a nurse’s guts out. They puked for 16 pages before the doctor shoved it back in.

There was one serious casualty, though. But, as with all serious casualties, the dwarf in question went out in style: that is to say, continued punching the goblins AFTER AN ARROW RIPPED HIS THROAT APART.

How did the goblins even shoot that arrow?

All in all, it was pretty effective. A swarm of naked dwarves can easily intimidate measly crossbowgoblins, and probably any other living creature on the planet. I guess I was a good boy this year.

Post-Note: Do not draft civilians to inactive military, even with scheduling twice a year. ‘No order’ means ‘Individual Combat Training’ and THEY WILL NOT DO ANYTHING BUT INDIVIDUAL COMBAT TRAINING EVEN WHILE INACTIVE. This also means that until I deconstructed the barracks, nobody would drink, eat, or give the eight starving gutless dwarves anything to eat or drink. Of course, nobody would brew or cook anything, either.

tl;dr: 3 wounded dwarves died of thirst, after deconstructing barracks, this crowd showed up by the river:

Individual Combat Training is srsbsns

…So now you know what I’ve been doing for the past week. I’m sorry, it’s just too addicting! I’ve cut the game into a USB now, so I won’t be playing again until we set things RIGHT here at O-New.

First-off is a big congratulations to redball and John for pulling us through these twelve days of anime. Secondly, I’d like to than-yeah y’know what we’ll do this come New Year’s.

For now, Merry Christmas, I don’t know what I was thinking making this post, and here’s an obligatory acknowledgement of the pun between Boxing Day and boxing these goblins. While naked. Don’t try this at home.

P.S. There’s this weird format thing to the right of WordPress posting now and I DON’T KNOW WHAT IT DOES BUT I WANT TO TEST IT BUT IT’S 1:00 I’m sorry for not blogging for the past month please forgive me orz

6 responses

  1. [I’m sorry, it’s just too addicting!] I KNOW THAT!THIS FUCKING GAME!

    Also,Merry XMAS!

    2012/12/28 at 09:35

  2. The Kenosha Kid

    Sounds like somebody needed eggnog to make it through the working day.

    2012/12/30 at 06:09

  3. Mushyrulez has gone without a drink for far, far too long

    2012/12/31 at 22:48

  4. It’s too far away from Christmas now, so Happy New Year!

    yeah dwarf fortress sucks shit. I don’t even have DF2012 because i’m too scared of minecarts and wheelbarrows

    2012/12/31 at 22:49

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