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Hourai Is A Stubborn Twat

alternate title: “Hourai Attempts To Guide Readers Through Dark Souls: Prepare To Die Edition But Does It Very Poorly”

This is Hourai, and he is A Twat.

In this adventure, he opens up Dark Souls.exe…

…and is immediately assaulted by the devil itself.

This is an unexpected jump in difficulty, but, then again, the game is Dark Souls. However, through a clever exploit, he is able to escape the clutches of Satan.
{You need a Games For Windows Live profile to save in Dark Souls, however, you don’t actually need a Windows Live account. When it asks you to make a new profile, you can make an offline profile instead, although this will prevent you from doing anything online. For the purposes of not getting our butts handed to us by invading spirits, we will play offline.}

Descend into madness»


How To Break Your Keyboard!

Full title: How To Break Your Keyboard Without Lessons In Several Easy Steps In Half The Time Of The Leading Keyboard-Dismantlement Booklet!!: Premium Gold Platinum Silver Edition (50% Off! Clearance Sale): As Seen On TV*

*No.


only 5 easy payments of $99.99 to the power of 99

In this handy DIY from guest writer Houraiguy, “we” disprove the myth that keyboards are HARD to break! You, too, can smash your typing equipment with A Few Easy Steps in our book(let), “A Few Easy Steps”.

“Let’s” “Get” “Started” “!”»


On the Subject of Cooperative Multiplayer Gaming

(Where there are teams, so will there be enemies.)

I like to think there’s a sort of equilibrium to the internet, or indeed, everything. I’m not going as far to say that there’s some sort of SHADOW HOURAI who goes around making usernames like :.:XxShAd0wH0uR4ixX:.: (this breaks all the tenets of my personal Guideline of Username Creation, btw) who is the Exact Opposite of me and gose aronud misplelign evarything and put1ng r4nd0m numb3r5 in his words and blogs (and by that same token, miraculously have the perseverance and will to blog on daily basis, GASP). However, I would say that as there will be people, in Minecraft, for example, with the divine* patience to build goddarn slot machines WITH REDSTONE, so will there be griefers with the demonic patience to destroy those slot machines (which wouldn’t take very long, so forget I said that and instead substitute “slot machines” for “1:5 scale Great Wall of China”).

In short, everyone on the internet is a jerk, unless they’re not.

(more…)


O-NEG 15: Hell

The game is not, verbatim, called “hell”.

However, the game is, verbatim, “hell”.

(more…)


A Generic Super Smash Bros. Brawl Review with A Generic Title (O-NEG 12)

DISCLAIMER: The following contains mentions of really old games. Or maybe not that old. But still. You may suffer from severe pangs of extreme boredom. I can’t think of anything else. Please see your physician if symptoms persist. I mean, symptom.

I understand that the game Super Smash Bros. Brawl was released a WHOLE THREE AND A QUARTER YEARS AGO GOLLY THAT’S SO !#@$#^%&^ OLD.

But it’s still awesome»


Meet The Ling (for lack of a better title)

[Trumpet fanfare plays]

I haven’t posted in a long time, so this is really awkward.

In any case, I have randomly decided to write a quick (which is pretty much going to doom me to take at least 2 hours to write this post !!@#$) post on something random!

When I say “something random”, that means I don’t know what the topic is. Yet.

[Brief intermission.  Hourai gets something for brainstorming (coffee milk).]

Because Mushz is doing anime/manga posts mainly, it looks like I will have to do gaming.

NO-IT’S-NOT-BLACK-OPS-GET-OFF-ME-YOU-TROLLS-AND-KEEP-THOSE-FLAMETHROWERS-AWAY-FROM-ME

So, I’ve not been posting here for like, what, a century, so for no good reason, I present a random post on Starcraft 2.

Of course, this is about the ladder and multiplayer. In single player, Terran is overpowered. They have cheats, for example. Also, they have Odin.

Alright: We present: Starcraft 2: Wings of Liberty: Unit Overview: Zerg: The Zergling. If you have any ideas on how to stuff some more colons into the previous sentence, keep them to yourself. I don’t need them.


I drew this with GIMP. Time taken: ~1 hour. I KNOW IT’S CRAPPY SHUT UP ABOUT THAT I’M NOT A PROFESSIONAL BLARGH.

The zergling is a little speedy cockroach-like thing the approximately length of a car. Since, however, Starcraft 2 is somewhat out of scale (I mean come on a cattlebruiser is only about the size of 16 marines), they’re really small little buggers that are the Tier 1 unit for good ‘ol Zerg.

Appearance

A bug. Cockroach-like. Four-legged, like every other ground unit of the Zerg. Usually brown.

Tactical Applications

Zerglings/lings are pretty fast, cheap, and easy to mass produce. Investing in the upgrade “Metabolic Boost” gives them wings (similar effect as Red Bull; give you wings, but you still can’t fly) and ridonculous speed, making it easier to form surrounds, etc. “Adrenal Glands” grants 20% faster attack speed (only accessable at Hive tech), making Zerglings less like cannon fodder.

Speedlings (lings with Metabolic) make excellent scouts (base scouting), harassment units (pretty good against harvesters), and provide a quickly-reinforcing unit that can quickly take the opportunity to harass a mineral line when the opposing army is out of position and just as quickly retreat with minimal losses.

They are an excellent choice to hold the Xel’naga watch towers with.

With the Burrow upgrade, you can place one at potential expansion site to deny enemies the opportunity to expand. They can aslo be used when burrowed as minor scouts.

Weaknesses

Zerglings only have 35 hp and no base armour, making them incredibly squishy bastards. As such, many units counter them well. With the Roach and the Hydra, the main three Zerg ground units are all somewhat countered by splash damage.

Zerglings are weak against Hellions, which have that extra damage to Light units in addition to the Infernal Pre-Igniter upgrade (+10 damage to Light units) and splash damage in a line. Note that Zerglings can easily overwhelm any lone “counter” unit if said unit is not properly supported.

Zerglings are also quickly roasted to death by Colossi, which are somewhat vulnerable like the Hellions as well.

Roaches fare fairly well against them, having that base armour of 1.

Infestors can use the spell “Fungal Growth” to reduce Zerglings to 1-2 health while immobilizing them for four seconds, allowing ranged units to wreck havok on the lings.

Since lings are melee units, Sentry Forcefields can trap lings while letting Stalkers and Colossi have fun picking away at the trapped units.

A Zealot can fight off around four lings (depends on upgrades and use of proper micro). While lings can decimate lone Marines, grouped-up gunmen can mow down lings with ease, denying them surrounds and also gaining the use of Stimpacks (temporary bonus attack speed and movement speed with the use of drugs, costing health) and Combat Shield (+10 health).

Strengths

Lings can easily kill off any isolated units, especially if they are able to surround said unit. A fair amount of lings tend to die while doing this, but the cost is usually worth it.

Lings are the most common Zerg counter to Immortals, other than Mutalisks and Brood Lords. They are not considered Armoured, reducing damage taken from the Immortals, their attacks are don’t do enough damage to be affected by Hardened Shields, and they murder them with ease upon achieving that all-important surround.

Lings can also easily wreck Thors, Siege Tanks, and Colossi. Note that the Ultralisk is not easily killed by Zerglings, having the ability to obtain ridiculous amounts of armour (up to 6 armour, almost completely nullifying unupgraded ling attacks), a melee attack, 400 health, and splash damage.

Two lings are produced by one larva for 50 minerals. The fact that it is extremely easy to mass produce these buggers is offset by the fact that they are, again, squishy little bastards, with 35 health (this is the least amount of health held by any unit in the game, except for the Changeling).

Notes

Zerglings may morph into Banelings after the Baneling Nest has morphed in. This will cost 25 minerals and 25 vespene gas per Zergling morphed and takes about 17 seconds.

Zerglings are commonly used in the omnipresent Zerg Rush, a process wherein the Zerg player goes “all-in”, screwing his mining over to try to end the game as early as possible. The Zerg player builds a Spawning Pool (the pre-requisite building required to mutate Zerglings) as early as possible, hoping to overwhelm the opponent with 6 or more lings before the opponent has a sizable defense force/any defense at all. The Zerg Rush is also referred to as the 6 Pool, 6 supply being the earliest possible time that Zerg may build anything (the Pool).

People will often be pissed as !#$% after being beaten by the 6 Pool.

6 Pool-ers may sometimes be bad sports and swear at people who manage to defeat them (especially through an unothodox method), despite the 6 Pooler opening up with the Zerg Rush.

Successful Zerg rushers have been known to follow up their victory with “KEKEKE” (more KE’s can be added).


Green Globs of Goo: Corrosive Banelings and Why They’re Winning

The Baneling is a kick-ass sac of CFA (Corrosive… Acid) with legs.

This Zerg unit morphs from the Zergling, which was essentially described earlier as a cockroach with rabies. This was a very brief, yet rather accurate description of the Ling. Also, I never actually said that.

(You must have the Baneling Nest to morph these bad boys out.)

They see me rollin’»


SC2 Basic Mechanics Review

Due to the fact that many people sadly do not watch either HuskyStarcraft or HDstarcraft, it is possible that said people will probably not be able to understand me whilst I ramble on about minerals and vespene gas and whatnot.

So, a short review of the basic mechanics»


An Important Notice on the Overuse of Certain Terms

As published by the Badly-Utilized Language Lunatics (look at the acronym) Society of Highly *nteresting Terminology, better known as the Society of Lying Conmen.

It is come to my attention that there is an overuse of the term, “BOOM! HEADSHOT (!)”. This is not actually unacceptable, but just pretend it is for a moment here. I am beginning to see a cliche* here in these two words. This is bad. This is UNACCEPTABLE. Or, at least, pretend it’s unacceptable.

Whilst browsing through the sea that is the intarwebz, I have noticed that there has been a lot of  “BOOMHEDSHOTTTTT” but not enough “BOOM INSTANTANEOUS AMATEUR CRANIOTOMY/LOBOTOMY/WHATEVER”. This seems to be good evidence suggesting that 50% of the sea of the intarwebz in fact is verbal diarrhea being spouted by teenage boys overdosing on either LSD or testosterone, whichever is worse. The other 50% seems to consist of either godly Asian people with serious talent in using Photoshop or Twilight fanboys/girls. Of course, there are several other little groups out there that don’t fit into either category, but no one cares about them, except for maybe everyone.

I want to see Adoozy Falsh games on (insert game site name here) where shooting a person in the head gives a 5% percent chance of causing severe retardation in the victim! I want to see Newgrounds flashes where bullets can go in one eaer and out the other WITH NO EFFECT! Most of all, I don’t want to see another BOOMHEDSHOTTTT! I’m sick of it! Especially in that 15-minute period I just spent surfing the web in a futile effort to find an instance of BOOMHEDSHOTTTTT! Instead, I want to see a big black rectangle on top of where BOOMHEDSHOTTTTT would be! It would also spare me from the poor spelling of people who don’t know how to spell “CRANIOTOMY”!

/rant

/stupidity

/absurd logic

This was not written by Houraiguy. He never posts here. His blog, which posts even less at, is at boredomreturns.wordpress.com.

Troll(0lolol) away down in the comments below! Mock me for my inproper use of grammar (I must have misspelled something.)! Give me another reason to post on a different site! Et cetera! Whatevs! Complain about me never posting… wait, this post wasn’t written by Houraiguy.  You’re seeing things. Go away. Stop overdosing on either LSD or testosterone, whichever is worse.

*(author of post is too lazy to search web for a site with some lettering that has an accented “e” in it, so whatevs)


Observations on Soft Drinks [A Numerical List!*]

  1. Soft drinks aren’t soft. Pillows, on the other hand…
  2. They always claim that they’re “ice cold”. They can’t be, because they don’t sell huge frozen chunks of Coke-ice/Pepsi-ice in a bottle/can/whatever. That would be ice cold. They’re selling them at like 10 degrees Celsius, because not many people want to buy solid chunks of flavored ice.
  3. The straws they give out for the soft drinks always are crappy.
  4. You can’t get straws for your soft drink (which isn’t soft) if you aren’t in a fast food joint.
  5. The soft drink tastes different in North America than it does in China. I note Coke specifically, and also 7-Up.
  6. Room temperature soft drinks would taste like flavoured water, only it would be sugar-flavoured. Also, flavoured water is usually (to me) water-flavoured water with a bit of indistinguishable random taste that you can’t define. Or, for that matter, you can’t taste. Also, room temp. soft drinks taste bad.
  7. Some idiot will always shake the bottle up like one of those paint bucket-shakers.
  8. And they’re probably doing it in a way that it can’t fail to land on your clothing.
  9. And they’re doing it right now.
  10. The only way to not get any pop on your clothing is to not wear any. This won’t really work, because no one will be remotely near you anyway (which kinda mean it does work) for nudity reasons.
  11. The soft drink spilled on your clothing does not wash off.
  12. If you can’t see them doing it, you’re doing it. Subconsciously. With an invisible bottle.
  13. The bottle will never fizz up after the cap is opened a second time.
  14. The bottle will always over-fizz before initial opening.
  15. The bottle will fizz even if you don’t shake it. Cynical, biased research has shown that this is a conspiracy on the part of WHUUUUUPS’ (We Hate UUUU; UPS) bottle delivering services, aided by the Government Committee Of Making Our Roads Have Potholes In Them and the Government Committee Of Building Speed Bumps The Length And Height Of The Great Wall Of China, and let’s not forget the infamous Government Committee For Failing To Fill In The Potholes The Goverment Committee Of Making Our Road Have Potholes In Them.
  16. Soft drinks must always have at least NIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINE THOUSAND AND ONE ninety grams of sugar. Per sip.
  17. Your older/younger sibling will always never stop drinking from your bottle, even if they were told by yourself to only have a sip, unless the bottle has negative fluid content. They will also be temporarily struck with deafness to pleas along the lines of “STOP”, and cannot choke. They will also always beat you in competitions of chugging large amounts of liquids.
  18. Number 15 will usually happen with your friends. It will always happen if you have no siblings.
  19. Soft drinks should not be called soft drinks (titular inaccuracy, as discussed in Number 1). They should be called “ubersugar liquids”. Also, they should not be called “pop” drinks, because they don’t really pop.
  20. Unless you count the “pop” of the bottle/can/whatever cap opening for the first time.
  21. Or if you count “pop” as a substitute for the expletives you’ll use once the soft drinks soak your clothing when you opened the cap.
  22. Or if “pop” is the substitute for the profanities the person shaking the pop bottle says when they see you without clothing in an attempt to prevent your clothing from being soaked.
  23. Or the “pop” is the sound of WHUUUUUPS’ “security” men/bodyguards coming after you with guns for having pop bottles that don’t fizz. Which are impossible to make, but they’ll still try to frame you anyway.
  24. Or if “pop” is the sound of your brain cells participating in the sport of “synchronized aneurysm-ing” from sugar overdose.
  25. If “ubersugar liquids” disagrees with you, suggest something in the comments below. I would recommend having a name that is Exactly What It Says On The Tin (TvTropes link) or highly straightforward. I personally propose “Teeth Decay Accelerator Molecules++”.

In case you were wondering, I rarely finish any posts in series. I will, however, start a lot of series.

*As if this being a numerical list was good.


Why Expletives Exist

Expletives (read: “bad” words, “swear” words, or “****”), along with euphemisms, insults, and discrimatory/racist/negative-in-general words, are some of the handiest words that exist.

They save time, in fact. When you wake up in the morning to get up for school/work/college (which is school, I suppose)/university (which is also school, I also suppose)/whatever and you have to catch the bus or go on a drive or walk several thousand miles or whatever, you usually wake up “really/)@/^v^\/\/early” (e.g. 7:00 – 7:30 local time or whatever). So you set an alarm on your clock/watch/cell phone/laptop/whatever and fall asleep and dream of Boogalooland or whatever and the alarm rings.

“SH*T NO I DUN WANNA GET UP SCROO U EVIL CLOCK”

And you’re like, “$#1′|’!” or whatever, but then you realize that you have a few spare minutes and you fall asleep again, where you wake up again and realize you’re late, which cues “$#1′|’!” again.

Now, when you say sh*t, you are not talking about what “sh*t” represents (organism doots).

What you mean is “I feel greatly unhappyified by this most recent development that occurred in my life most recently, and thus this woeful unhappyificating unprecedented serious affair creates such mental anguish for me that I shall spontaneously generate large quantities of tears that I shall very nearly suffocate in, but will not actually suffocate in and survive, then die from dehydration, and so I must say sh*t”.

See? You can very easily save time by abbreviating that to “IFGUBTMRDTOIMLMRATTWUUSACSMAFMTISSGLQOTTISVNSIBWNASIASTDFDASIMSS”.

Although you may not want to say “If Gub Tummered Toim Elmer At Woos Axmaph Empty Is Glickot Tisven-Sib When Asia S*xually-Transmitted Disease Fudda Simsz”, so you can abbreviate that to “sh*t”.

>>>>>

nd so “sh*t” was born, or at least in my completely fictional tale.

The other use for expletives is as an insult. There’s something subconsciously appealing about the taboo element of most expletives, which is why we tend to go with “You little sh*t” over “You little pile of mouse droppings arranged in a ice cream swirl pattern shape thing that looks unrealistically brown”.

—Note: Houraiguy lost interest at the point of >>>>>. Thus this post is lame. :/ I think I have to do my posts in one sitting for the needed motivation. Also, that coincidencially looks like a Solid Snake beard in the first pic. That was unintentional.


PSA: Memes Pt. 1

It has come to my attention that currently there has been a mass overspammage of memery and cliches* over the interwebs. Other such generic bullsh^t has been used improperly and in abundance. Here, in this Public Service Announcement, I have outlined several commonly (mis)used memes and generic (catch)phrases and retarded sentence structures** and how to properly use them.

“AYBABTU”: Abbrev. for All Your Base Are Belong To Us, a phrase used in the opening cinematic*** of the game Zero Wing, made by a random game company called Toaplan. It is ingrammatical in proper English, but because we is on teh intarwebzorz, we doesn’t need no Gram-Mar, yo. Thusly, AYBAYTU is perfectly grammatical in an online society where it is only considered slightly ingrammatical to say “I iz tweeteering like teh dickens” or talk like raocow.

Fun Fact: Toaplan allegedly “revolutionized” top-down shooters. Without them, we would still have bullet hell shooters, because ZUN probably still would have caused the shooter revolution. Go ZUN.

(cont’d) AYBABTU is used to randomly describe a situation where one group controls all of another group. I cannot think of any other situation where you could use it except for in the “Hallucinogenic Rave o’ Random” situation.

Properly Used: [Houraiguy is playing MW2 on Domination (whatever the f^ck the mode with the capturable positions is called) with Yuchoy in private. Houraiguy has just captured the Point A, B, and C points.]
MW2 Announcer Radio Operator Dude (Yuchoy): “The enemy has taken/captured/overrun position C.”
MW2 Annoucer Radio Operator Person (Houraiguy): “We’ve taken position C.”
Houraiguy: ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US
Yuchoy: F^ck.

Improper Usages:
Houraiguy: I won a game! AYBABTU

Houraiguy: AHAHAHAHA I is a person with no control over anything whatsoever but still AYBABTU

McDonalds Clown Dude (Ronaldo McDonaldo): I like pink rabbit AYBABTU

RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAVE

_______

“Fun Fact”: A term commonly used by books to placate the reader from burning the book into ashes for including the fact that always follows. The fact is never fun. It may****, however, be funny.

Properly Used: [The book is talking about watermelons.] Fun fact: Did you know that it is fun to blow up watermelons with a ten-gauge double barreled sawn-off shotgun such as the Pancor Jackhammer*****.

Improper Usages:

Fun fact: Pi is 3.1415926535 [The list of digits continues for 5469720 pages.]…!

Fun fact: DO YOUR HOMEWORK

Fun fact: Come to Pedobear’s house for freeeee candy!

*This is how you spell memery, right? …Is memery even a word >.>

**When I say “retarded sentence structures”, I refer to sentence structures used in children’s information books that regard the reader as (it figures) retarded. Examples of Assumed Reader Stupidity include: making a glossary and highlighting all nouns with 3 or more letters, strictly using simple sentences, and refraining from using words with 4 or more syllables. A helpful telltale sign of a book using Assumed Reader Stupidity is that it belongs to a series of books with titles like “Diabetes”, “Kooking for Kids”, and “Why The F^ck Do Bones Look White and Also BTW Why The F^CK Is The Sky F^cking Blue Woohoo”.

***You could technically call it a cinematic if your idea of a movie was watching people play Pong. It was more like an animated GIF with sound.

****Disclaimer: This will probably only happen when the skies are raining fireballs and also when 1 = 0. It might happen in other cases, though.

*****I doubt this is actually a ten gauge double barreled gun. It is a shotgun, at least.


5 Games on Kongregate You Should Play: OR: Advertisement

[MUSHYHIJACK: Also guiz, happy October the first :V]

I have previously listed several other Kongregate games in O-NEGs and other game-related posts; these should be included in the list, but they’ren’t (That should be proper grammar, “they aren’t”, lol)

And yes, this is kinda an ad. And these games aren’t strictly limited to Kong.

BUT STILL! IT’S WORKING FOR YOU FOR EVERY SECOND! IF YOU NEED ENTERTAINMENT BY SOME CHANCE! YEAH……….

Portal The Flash Version

Achievement Unlocked (and 2)

This is the Only Level (and Too)

Boxhead 2Play Rooms

Kongai

5. Boxhead 2Play Rooms, by SeanCooper

This is a game with an “unique” art style, where “unique” means “interesting” in the same way a cabbage turnip tomato bittermelon onion tea is interesting. As said in the title, everything has a box for a head*, and there are Rooms and this game can be played by Two Players (not a common feature). So the title doesn’t lie (+1 star). It lists pretty much everything in the game (+0.5 stars)**. And, although there are only 10 weapons, they are vertasile versatile and fun. Really fun. (+1 star)

How To Play This Game: Mode 1

“Single Player Mode”/”Cooperative Mode”

This mode allows you to choose from 18 maps to Battle The Evil Zombie Infestation with Guns and Fun.

Each map is a white, boxy area with several red boxes in it. These red boxes will provide ammunition and health when picked up (e.g. trampled by boxy shoes). Health will not be provided when  your health is full, but ammunition may be provided to weapons with full ammunition. Red boxes will routinely respawn after being flattened, always appearing in the spot it was before (respawn times of about a minute).

At the beginning of the game (level 1), you will only be provided with a Pistol, which has infinite ammo. To unlock new things, one must kill zombies to gain Rewards as the following system dictates.

When a undead is killed, your Combo increases. Over time (and actually pretty quickly), your Combo will fall, one multiplier at a time. (The higher the combo, the faster it’ll fall.) By reaching certain levels of Combo, the player character gains improvements to his current weapons (ammunition count, damage, range) as well as New Weapons. You will not lose an upgrade if your Combo falls below the Combo that was required to unlock the upgrade.

Death marks the end of the game.

Co-op mode is slightly different from the Single Player mode. The game will only end when both (remember: 2Play, not 19846931Play) players hath perisheth. :/ Players will respawn after about 15-30 seconds of time of death (with only a Pistol :/), provided the other player manages to stay alive for this duration. Also, there are three optional features of this game (turning off any of these only merits the loss of your ability to submit High Score).

1. Demons.
2. Collisions.
3. Friendly Fire.

The Friendly Fire feature allows both the ability to be run over by your partner’s Rockets/Shotgun spamming and the ability to be killed by your own explosions (Charge Packs, Rocket Launchers, Barrels, Claymores/Mines)

The Collision feature allows you to walk through the undead army (I think) as well as Fake Walls, a type of wall placed by the player (destructable).

Demons are the other enemy of 2Play. These enemies are greatly distinguishable from their zombie underlings in that they hold several characteristics:

1. They can instantly vaporise your Fake Walls.
2. They can shoot FIREBALLS (will only shoot when a player is within a certain radius; also, these fireballs will set off Barrels, damage Fake Walls, damage You, and damage zombies (two hit kill).
3. They are red.

So we see that the demons are actually quite easy to distinguish from zombies. :/

Another miscellaneous bonus of 2Play is the customizable controls. Uncommon and minor as this is, it’s still pretty helpful. Also, you can choose to skip ahead several levels for convenience’s sake (starting from these levels, your player is granted several weapons and some Combo)

“Death Match Mode”

As this is a 2Play game, it is fitting to have a competitive battle mode. Here, all upgrades are initially unlocked and no zombies spawn whatsoever. Players may choose to wall off and barrellify the map as they so please, and it is worth noting that players have low amounts of health (Rockets = instant kill, Uzi = two-hit kill, Shotgun = two-hit kill, etc. Only the Pistol really does any mediocre damage.) This is ridonculously fun for some reason. No online fighting D:

4. This Is The Only Level & This Is The Only Level TOO*** by jmbt02

TITOL and TITOLTOO both revolve around the same concept: Do crap with an elephant to Finish The Level, of which there is only one (Again, the title tells the truth! GASP.). It is worth noting that there are Stages, which basically replaced the concept of levels in these games. TITOLTOO is a fair amount harder than TITOL, be warned. YOU WILL RACK YOUR BRAINS. Also, the “Blind, Deaf, and Dumb” level was kinda vague. It has something to do with “deaf”, hinty hint. There are 30 levels stages in each. Enjoy the wobbly elephant. Also, the wagon means WASD.

Fun: It racks your brains without damaging them (e.g. making you smarter, like games such as “Mario Math” or “Mastur Cheef Does Long Division” would do). 1337.

Music: TITOLTOO has the best music in a game ever, excludes Touhou. Accordions. F. T. W.

Gameplay: Find the gimmick to the level stage. Exit the level. Avoid the spikes. Panic when necessary. Don’t be afraid to go to the main menu; the game autosaves. Simple. Easy. Fun.

3. Kongai by Kongregate

Indeed, this game is exclusive to the site that it’s made by. Go Greg. Anyway, this is the only multiplayer game on this list, mostly because I find Elements has too much luck and Platform Racing 2 has too much lag.

Kongai is like Pokemon. Except you don’t have to deal with all that type effectivity doohickey and doodads.

Here is the game explained in a nutshell.

Kongai In A Nutshell (With Pictures To Go With The Words)


Kongai is, sadly, turn-based, but this does not mean it is like Pokemon (ohwaitdidIsayitwaslikePokemonbefore?ohsh*tIthinkIdid). It’s fun. Dang. I can’t describe it. It’s like Elements, but with more Pokemon, but no RPG parts, and collectibles. Part of the fun is the Items.

The items, as shown by an absence in the above diagram, are a crapload of stuff you can equip onto your characters. This makes for a lot of fun times, because free choice is entertaining (to a point). Mindreader’s Chalice or Healing Salve or Origami Crane or Null Matrix or Hero’s Flagon or Knight’s Emblem or Ring of Curses or Blood Vial or Necronomic Tome or WHATEVER stuff there is. Basically, you can equip your characters with one of 11 choices.

Also psychology and guessing are a major factor.

Yeah, I give up on describing Kongai. It’s fun.

2. Portal, the Flash Version

It’s Portal basically, only in 2-d.

1. Epic Battle Fantasy 3

It’s not just a continuous string of battles like the last two. ITS AN RPG. AND IT’S AWESOME.

I refuse, in the name of sloth, to say anything more.

*If it has a head.
**Short of the weapons.
***Not a typo. Yes, TOO. It’s a pun that I can tolerate. Amazing.


Presenting A Historical Fiction

Note: This was something originally intended to be a school assignment, until I was informed it was supposed to be one paragraph long. F***.

The Beginnings of a State

A Short Summary

Of The First Two Pages

Of This Handout

And Now This Is Getting Ridiculously Small, So Maybe I Should Stop Doing This

Disclaimer: Much of this Short Summary consists of Enhanced Truths, Polished Lies, and the occasional Nugget of Truth. Do not take notes from this Summary unless you are studying humour, not Rome.

A long, long, time ago, so long ago we don’t usually remember what the heck it was about after the test on it passes in high school, in a galaxy country, far, far away, so far away we like to mock locals around there with stereotypical accents either mirroring Russian or British accents, someone was building a home. We don’t know who the person was, but we figure that if Rome is a town, it must have had houses in it, and back then there were no real estate companies to go and buy houses from and also get stuck in mortgages, so the people of Rome, which was the place where this guy was building his house, had to build their houses on their own, which, exhausting as it sounds, came with the undeniable benefit that the toilets actually worked. And so, backing up a few years or so, Rome was built somewhere in the 8th century-ish, before Christ and also before telemarketing. Rome was built near hill, river, and sea; each providing protection, travel, and commerce (but no travel agents). Sadly, none of these natural boons provided the Romans with sliced bread, Spam, or working toilets.

Soon after Rome was built, Rome ran into a problem. Rome had no women to marry. Thusly, Rome sent envoys with the proposal that would allow Rome and its neighbours, named the Latins and the Sabines, to intermarry. These envoys were rejected, supposedly on the fact that the neighbours thought they were salespersons. The problem remaining unsolved, the Roman leader, Romulus, hatched a devious plan to take over the world, although he was thwarted in 127 CE, the point of maximal extent of his empire, which was at least a good 127 years after his death. But before Romulus could get to taking over the world, he had to go and get some women for his city. So he hatched a devious scheme.

Romulus invited his neighbours over for a Grand Festival with Games and Stuff, particularly noting in the birthday invitation to bring their wives and daughters. This part was very important, as we shall see. After the guests’ arrival, a large army of men apparently wooed the majority of the unmarried women into marrying them before running like heck. The guests had coincidentially brought absolutely nothing to resist this mass wooing, apart from beer mugs, and thus the wooers escaped unscathed, although some of them had been poorly treated by the more drunk guests.

At this point, the neighbours were very, very angry. They showed this by inventing the “Agnry Faic” emoticon on MSN, although the Microsoft complaints office took several centuries to process this contribution, presumably because the computers back then looked suspiciously like abacuses. In addition to inventing the Agnry Faic, the neighbours began attacking Rome. However, they did not think about attacking in unison, presumably because they were still hung over from drinking more beer than is particularly healthy, if you get our meaning. Anyways, these lone attackers failed in their heroic attempts to beat down the gates of Rome with beer bottles. However, the Sabine king, being particularly enraged, had enough of an army to be more successful than his grog-glugging underlings. The Sabine king, Titus Tatius, went up to Rome and began attacking. While he was taking transit to Rome, the Romans got wind of his plan and began fortifying the walls of Rome, although they failed rather greatly and ended up creating the ruins you see today. However, the Sabines still enlisted the aid of an unknown woman in opening the gates of Rome, which we speculate she accomplished by throwing one of those littered beer bottles at the gates, which had been affected by the drunken builders and thus fell down like London Bridge, or more accurately, the World Trade Center. The Sabines now inside the gates, fighting now actually began. The fighting ended when a squadron of Sabine women marched up to the enemy lines and began pouting for peace. As a result of this noble and selfish action, the Sabines agreed to join the Romans under the joint rule of Romulus and Titus. Titus died soon after of what we think was an overdose of aspirin, which he had invented to prevent his entire army from falling in battle after they had moved to the drinking of fine wine.

Romulus, now alone in his rule, ruled until his death, modifying the modern design of the Roman Ruins™. His successor was a person named Numa, who ruled for 41 or so years, promoting law and religion. Numa’s successor, on the other hand, went by the name of Tullus Hostilius, unlike Numa, who went by the name of Numa. At this time, there existed the city of Alba Longa. It is worth noting that Alba Longa had also existed before this point, although this is not particularly useful in factual value except for providing the fact that Alba Longa was inhabited. Alba had invaded Rome at this point, although their army was driven out of Rome soon after, pursued in dramatic fashion by the Roman army before agreeing to decide the victor through the use of champions. The Romans sent out three Horatius brothers, whilst the Albans opted to go with the three Curiatii brothers, who people were betting on because their name, alphabetically, came before “Horatius”. After several minutes of bloody slicing and dicing that we have chosen to omit for the purpose of keeping this summary at the Teenage-appropriate rating, there was only spotless Horatius against three wounded Curiatii brothers. The story goes that the Horatius defeated the Curiatii by tossing beer bottles at them, and knocking them out while they were drunk and spraying their chests with ketchup. Anyways, the Alban army then belonged to Rome. Later, the Alban army was sent for to deal with the uprising of the Etruscan city of Veii, although they did nothing but continue to drink. For doing this, they killed the Alban general and blew up Hiroshima Alba Longa with a nuclear warhead, but not before transferring the Albans to Rome. Rome’s massive expansion was only beginning. So was their plot for world domination.


Monochrome Pictures: Series 2.1

One, this is only one picture.

Two, it’s not monochrome. But grey would be a poor choice for the lines D:


Pokemon: A Rant-y Post Of Fun

RANT RANT RANT! RANT RANT RANT RANT RANTTTTTTT!!!

Pokemon is one of the most well-known (like the most well-known) RPGs out there, like Final Fantasy, except there’s blood in FF and FF characters actually have hair, which also happens to be sticking out at awkward angles, unlike Pokemon, where many Pokemon are bald (e.g. Pikachu, Bulbasaur, Charmander, Baldamon*).

Pokemon’s a great game and all that (this pretty much marks the end of the period where anything positive will be said), but it seems somewhat stupid at times.

Good Points of Pokemon Stupidity

Point 1: On Attacks

Basically, attacks are pathetic, inaccurate, or overpowered. Usually inaccurate. And the AI is even worse/crueller.

Sub-Point 1.1: On Pathetic-icity

At the beginning of the game, you get a PKM (this is the abbreviation for Pokemon I’m using… alternately it can mean PKM, which means either a machine gun of somewhat cheapness in a certain game or “Promised Kanuushi Master” ["Promised Kanuushi" is a card in Magic: the Gathering which costs 1 forest mana to play and has 7 freaking SoulShift [When PK is killed, take a Spirit monster with total converted mana cost of 7 or less and place it in your hand], which means that an untimely destruction of this Creature can mean that your opponent might get his Arashi the Sky Asunder or Jiwari the Earth Aflame back [Both are evil Legendary Creatures. They don't call them legendary for a reason!], which will almost certainly have you cry some variant of “YOU’VE GOT TO BE [Varying expletive here]ING ME!”, and that would damage your ears, so don’t kill that PK], where the PKMaster has like 4 Promised Kanuushis on the field as well as two Briarknit Kamis and both aforementioned Legendaries in his graveyard AND your opponent’s deck happens to be a Spirit-based deck, or PKMaster as in PsychoKinetic [e.g. Ness or Lucas in SSBBrawl] Midget.) that is Fire/Water/Grass type. Right after you pick your PKM, your MAIN rival appears and says “want battle you battle battle battle battle hahahaha I has effective type PKM hahahahaha u sux-” (At this point Professor [species of tree] would ideally smash this doofus in the head with the remaining Pokeball (that stays there forever) and shut him/her up, with the uber cool exclamation of “BOOM! Overkill Extermination!”** ***, but because PKM is naturally child-oriented, there is no major violence (Yes, there is Mega Punch, but that doesn’t count because the animation for that is basically a random fist-like thing changing size.) after which the Epic Rival Battle Happens.

It’s worth noting that your starter PKM has two attacks. One is a variant of Scratch (e.g. Tackle, Pound, etc.), the other is a buff or a debuff (Growl, Tail Whip, Howl, Harden, Defense Curl, Get Better, Make Worse, etc.). So basically, you win by SPAMMING your attack (buffing is not an attack), oh, and maybe once or twice using the (de?)buff move. If you’re unlucky, you will miss/your opponent will crit alot. Usually you win. :/.

:/

That’s how easy it is (Note: in Emerald/Sapphire/Ruby edition, you got the chance to grind up on some Pokemanz a bit before the First Epic Rival Battle. You didn’t get any good experience off of this, because all of them were level 2-3 and your PKM is level 5 =,=). I recall another incident of patheticity (Most of the PKManz I played were Emerald/Sapphire/Ruby edition- mostly Emerald): I went over to Rustboro…er… something… City, where you fight your FATHER, Anakin Skywalker Darth Vader Norman, who interestingly and totally unguessably deals in (you guessed it) Normal PKManz (Lt. Surge = Electric [An old cranky soldier], Flannery**** = Fire [PERFECTLY SANE teenager], Roxanne = Rock [Keine's other identity], Brawly = Fighting [Martial Artist], etc.). So I was pretty paranoid and went and GRINDED my PKMs into Killer Awesome Killers and entered The Gym Of Norman. I killed defeated one trainer, left the gym, used the PKMCenter, went back in, defeated another trainer, etc. until EVERY TRAINER BUT THAT EVIL BOSS WAS DEFEATED HAHAHAHAHA

Then I ground (that’s the past tense of grind, right?) some more.

So then I come back to Norman’s Gym, walk through all those doors, and reach him. I pull out my Combusken, and I don’t have to switch out any of my PKM. Combusken does not faint. Combusken beats the crap out of the Vigoroth, Spinda, and Linoone without trouble apart from the annoying Totter Dance that really sucked. Combusken beats them up in one/two hits using Double Kick. Slakoth is slightly harder because of more health and the move Facade. BUT HE STILL GETS OWNED EASILY.

Fail on my part. Anticipation fail. But still.

ONTO WINONA. OH BOY.

Sub-Point 1.2: On Enemy AI

It’s stupid. For one, this is a more-or-less direct quote from a Walkthrough of Pokemon FireRed:

“Oh no. My Charmeleon’s Electric power has been weakened. However will I beat this Geodude? My electric attacks will be useless! Oh wait, I thought for a second there that Charmeleon was a Fire-type. My bad.” -SSoHPKC

This is regarding the move “Mud Sport”. Sure, Mud Sport might be useful in the battle with Lt. Surge, as it halves all Electric Attack power during the battle, but is that really helpful anywhere else? Even if I don’t have a Manectric on me, every single Geodude will go “MudSportMudSportMudSportMudSportMudSport” in a frenzied fashion. Likewise, Water Sport.

Then, there’s Harden and company. These moves get SPAMMED by the Bug-Pokemon-of-the-Edition-that-evolve-at-like-level-8-or-so, because wild Kakunas/Metapods/Cascoons/etc. only know Harden. Thus, it is a PAIN IN THE HIZZOUSE to faintify these Pokemon, because they’ll keep hardening and hardening until their Defense can’t go any higher. *****

Again, the “Harden” principle applies to Sand-Attack and Mud-Slap. If you get hit by one of these, your accuracy is bad enough, but doing it from 2 hits is plain ridiculous. Then, the PKM always does it at least 4 times, so you have to switch to another Pokemon, who gets sand in their eyes, and so on… (“At least it doesn’t do damage…” and then you come to Mud-Slap, which actually does do damage [at least not much damage...]), but only has 15 PP, which means NOT MUCH SPAMMING OPPORTUNITY FOR YOU but because of the unlimited spawning of wild PKMs, plenty of spamming for them.

Also, certain PKM (e.g. Plusle, Minum) like to use “Helping Hand”. This does nothing unless in a “dual” battle, but these idiots use it outside of said type of battles. Really? REALLY?

In addition to this, opponent Trainers tend to have repeats of a single type of Pokemon. This would be understandable, if, say, it was an Eevee or a Mew (cannot be caught under regular circumstances ahem), because THEY BE AWESOME, but you’ll see 4 Caterpies (Lv. 21) go into the Grinder in a Battle With The Charmeleon Of Doom, apparently due to the reasoning that “Hmm, the first Caterpie didn’t beat him. There must be something wrong with it. Oh well, time to send in the next Caterpie.”****** This reasoning would work if not for several important main facts:

  1. The Caterpie is they send out next is the same level OR LOWER.
  2. The Caterpie is usually what is called a “One Hitter Quitter”, A. K. A. Dead Caterpie, leading to the fact that
  3. The previous Caterpie did no damage whatsoever. A Nidoran would be acceptable, because at least it has the Poison Point ability (certain attacks done by enemy may cause enemy’s poisoning). But still.

Maybe it’s just more PKM obsession purposes. But in that case, the Trainer would be a PokeManiac.

Also, Murphy’s Law is more powerful than the PKM Police force in Pokemon. The Police force must be pretty weak in PKM to be beaten by Team Rocket/Aqua/Magma/Galactic/Boogaloo/WhateverTheDarnItIsIDon’tKnow,Jeez, especially when Rocket’s members tend to have RATTATAS. RATTATAS, I tell you! These may be Lv. 21 Rattatas, but that doesn’t stop them from getting splooshed by a Lv. 28 Charmeleon Of Doom. (This was fixed in Aqua’s/Magma’s case.) So how does the Police Force get owned by a fleet of Rattatas?

Methinks that the Rocketeers use the large amounts of laughter caused through the Rattatas to smash the Police on the head with a crowbar.

After all, the AI is bad.

Pokemon’s still fun as The Ultimate Grinding RPG That’s Below Maplestory With Evolution.

*No, there is no actual Pokemon named Baldamon. But: (Yes, that’s a poorly drawn Agnry Faic combined with a Caterpie. Yes, it is.)

**Haha, I bet you thought I was going to say “Headshot!”

***Incidentally, the initials of this exclamation spell “Boke”. Make what you will of that.

****I am not making this up.

*****Not that this stops them.

******Also, why the [EXPLETIVE] would you keep a Caterpie and not evolve it? Butterfree is an improvement, by far.


O-NEG 11: Amorphous+

A game of greatness

Amorphous+ stars a generic hero with a sword following the tradition of the Generic Stereotypical Odd-Coloured-Hair Japanese Hero Dude (As Seen In Final Fantasy) in that he has a RABIES (Really Antagonizing Big Indestructible Edged Sword) that is like three times longer than your arm span. Holy shi[pwreck fi]t. This sword cannot be broken, even if you 1. Smash it into a) a wall, b) a razor sharp thing held by a Gloople, or c) a boulder Gloople thing, 2. Get murdered by d) a Biter, which noms your face, e) a Fuzzle, which also noms your face, f) a Grinder, which contrary to popular belief does not actually gain levels for running over blue-jumpsuit-wearing GSO-C-HJHD(ASIFF)s, etc.

The Gameplay portion in A+ is very well executed; the controls are simple and easy to use. Most Glooples have a specific manner in which they are to be dispatched, which means that your GSO-C-HJHD(ASIFF) will be running around a Sharp, while pacifist’ing several lunging Biters until the Sharp is vulnerable, which is when you go SLASH. After SLASHing, you are of course mauled to death by the Biters.

Your… Character… follows your mouse wherever it is, and clicking causes him to swing his incredibly over-sized sword in a WHOOSH of destruction relatively quickly. However, the main fun about A+ is the fact that there are 110 achievements, some for doing nothing (Absentee – Leave Pause screen on for 3 minutes [medal picture depicts a toilet]), and some for being

What is particularly

about A+’s “Awards” is that for every 10 “Awards” earned, you will also earn a “Reward Key”, which surprisingly UNLOCK AN

“Reward”. After collecting a grand total of 10 Awards, an “Reward slot” is awarded. Award award award award award award award blah blah blah

Although it is possible to have 5 Rewards unlocked before the awesome arrival of the second Reward slot (@ 55 awards, which is easy peasy to earn :/), it is only possible to equip, at any time, the amount of Rewards on a 1-to-1 correspondence (That’s right, right?) to Reward slots.  Or, in more internet-ish terms, one reward for each reward slot. Or, in even more internet terms, 1 R3\/\//-\R|) 4 34c|-| R3\/\//-\R|) $70′|’ (Personally, I think that type of 1337 is plain stupid).

There are essentially 19 characters in A+. 18 are blobs of some sort (Although calling a boulder a blob is pushing it).

In case you are interested, I will proceed to describe these Glooples/blobs in order of Bestiary (AKA official order). However, I will not bother to supply their name.

THE CAST OF AMORPHOUS+

  1. Green blob that walketh in a straight lineth. This cannot kill you. Bumping into it will stun you, nothing else. Capable of “reverse mitosis” (or combo-ing) with itself. Author’s Notes (AN): Basically cannon fodder/combo point multiplier fodder.
  2. Yellow squarish blob, also the straight lineth-eer. Also doesn’t kill you. Upon contact with anything (sword, another blob, you), goes FWOOSH and dumps a large pool of yellow crap on you that slows anything down. AN: The Crap Of Yellow also affects any Glooples generally smaller than trucks. To be precise, anything you-sized or smaller, including, naturally, you. Doesn’t affect, of course, boulders.
  3. Blue fanged blob. It chases you and if it gets close enough, it goes LUNGE I WANT YOUR BLOODDD. Most common thing to kill you. AN: Capable of reverse mitosis as well. You do NOT want that to happen.
  4. Orange “sqooshy” blob thing. Leaky. Very leaky once killed. Homes in on you, but not very quickly. Fragile as well. It’s not pee lemonade it leaks (not like mister yellow up there), but salsa. Or hot sauce. Very hot sauce apparently, because most things stepping in there melt dissolve. AN: Accidents happen. A lot.
  5. Light-blue spike-blob thing. It’s like “Roll Roll Roll” (McRoll = -.-) and also “VANT UR BLUD” guy. Must withdraw spikes if you want to kill it, which means getting behind it without slashing until it does so. AN: Get a certain item, and this is made loads easier. If you don’t get the Reward I have in mind, these are annoyinger than hell. Also, slashing at them while they’re spiky and all will still knock them back, and also possibly into other stuff…
  6. Purple grape. Also a follower. These guys are also annoying. They shoot mini purple grapes at you that slow you down. If you do get hit by them (easily dodgable, but still), spin around a lot to shake them off. These grapes will eventually grow up if not scared off the field (they run away). Also, killing a big grape leaves several baby grapes on the ground behind it, which must then be mopped up :/ AN: If you have too many grapes on you, you will not be able to move.
  7. Black shadowblobninjasamuraiblob (as shadowninjasamurai as a blob can get, at least). Not invisible, fortunately, but fairly quick and agile. It leaves a black trail in its wake. Also fragile. If killed by contact with anything, it leaves (again) a puddle of inkstuffmaybeitsoilithinkitsoilitsureactslikeoil that is slippery. Flammable, as in it exploders if it runs into a large fire. If what it hits happens to be you, the screen will turn black for several seconds, presumably the character being blinded. The game continues to play while this blindness occurs. AN: Explosions can kill you. Just a thought.
  8. Boulder. Slightly curves towards you, and also FREAKING HUGE, MAN. Hitting it with your regular sword doesn’t do anything. To make it vulnerable, it must a) be hit by another boulderblobthingnotreallyablobbecauseitsaboulder, b) run into orangeblobgoo, or c) be hit by an explosion (this is rare). Runs over pretty much ANYTHING. AN: Takes 5 hits after vulnerability to kill it, which sucks.
  9. A grizzly bear blob. It takes three hits to kill. After two hits, it becomes shaved (it’s furry brown) and tries to run  away. It regrows its hair after awhile. Also, in fuzzy form, it can survive orangeblobgoo (but it will be shaved afterwards). AN: They act a lot like the blue blobs, but they pause before “Murderous Lunge”. Also, this is starting to look like a Pokedex. “Gotta Kill Em All”, except in Pokemon, they pretend dead Pokemon are “fainted”. Yes, that’s right, those Pokemon Centers have Necromancy Lv. 192804751876. ZOMBIE PIKACHU!
  10. Big Green Blob. The result of green blob mitosis. Actually follows you, but slowly. Is not able to run over as many things as the boulderblobthatisnotablob, but still pretty wreckingball-esque. Takes three hits to sploosh. AN: Not much to say here, move along. It kills you by rolling onto you, in which case it digests you. Nom.
  11. Flaming bomb blob (not to be confused with flaming anyothertypeofblobprettymuchblob). If you slash it while alight, it’ll blow the F_ _ _ up on your face and kill you, leaving a large fire (the kind that blows up shadowblob into another explosion, leaving another large fire). It’s flames will eventually recede (they’ll also recede immediately if they run into yellow lemonade pools or hot sauce lava), in which case it can be slashed without the explosion, but they’ll relight after running into a large fire. AN: Kinda annoying because of the “must wait so you don’t die immediately” feature. Kinda. Kinda. A lot. Follows you.
  12. Icy blob. It can’t kill you, fortunately. Also fragile (“fragile” means bumping into it causes it to a-splode). REALLY FAST AND CURVES WELL TOO. Can’t really outrun it so much as dodge it. If it does explode, most things within a certain radius get frozen. If frozen, move mouse up and down to break out. When frozen, you are “fragile”. Frozen blobs award no points. AN: ANNOYING. Must kill quickly and also must mouse spazz quickly.
  13. Metal blob with mini tentacles. It hardens quickly when slashed if not done well. When you do slash it well, you’ll have to do it again. And once more. Also chases you. If you’re far enough from it, it’ll extend a tentacle to spear you and then OM NOM NOM NOM NOM. AN: Did I forget to mention that those big green blobs become these through more reverse mitosis with more (small) green blobs? Also, it’s vulnerable while it’s poking it’s spear out (not while withdrawing it).
  14. Lighter green big blob. It REALLY OMNOMNOMNOMNOMs the heck out of stuff. It takes a lot of hits. With each hit, it shrinks a bit. It eats things smaller than it, making it grow. It’ll also split sometimes. AN: Fast and agile as well. Kinda annoying.
  15. The “Horror”. This is the actual name of this thing. The Horror. OH THE HORROR, the HORROR. THE HORRORRRR. Gah. It is basically two bluelungeblobsofdeath mitosis’d. It doesn’t lunge. Oh no. It runs you over. It’s a big (big green blob sized, actually) spinning, blue sawblade of DEATH. Like a lawn mower. It occasionally shoots little fatal fangs. Sometimes it’ll shoot four mini blue slicers, leaving a blue core. THIS IS YOUR CHANCE. KILL IT QUICKLY WHILE IT’S VULNERABLE, BECAUSE THOSE THINGS WILL COME BACK SOON AND IT’LL PROBABLY RUN YOU OVER LATER. Also, really annoying. AN: Beware the fangs. Also, it won’t reveal the core unless you’re far enough. The Horror of it all.
  16. A purple octopus of longer-tentacles and even more shadowninjasamuraiblob awesome. Although it only takes one hit to kill, IT IS DANGER ☢CAUTION!☢ ☢CAUTION!☢ ☢CAUTION!☢ (extreme amounts of awesome detected) OUS. If not performing Attack 3, it will use Attack 1, which is a gravity veil-thing that somewhat pulls you towards its center, and when you are close enough it performs Attack 2, which is to send out a ripplingwaveofdeaththatskindalikeanexplosionbutstill. Attack 1 usually stops after awhile, but do not, under pretty much any circumstances, get anywhere close to this blob while it does this. Also, it is made by r-mitosis between a metalgearsolidblob and a regular small green blob. AN: Attack 3, BTW, is a charged attack. Basically, the purple thing gather matter in front of it and SHOOP DA F_ _ _ ING WHOOP, a laser comes out of nowhere and disintegrates (almost) anything that touches it. This is the only time (while it charges and while it’s shooting) when this thing is vulnerable (e.g. can be attacked without using Attack 2 on your sorry tailless back end). Also note that the laser doesn’t move and that it pulls stuff towards it.
  17. A red string of blobs with two golden swords. This is a blob that appears near the end of a “nest”. It tries to cleave you into two. It will do this by: a) Lunging towards you with one sword, then another lunge with the other. (Very long ranged attack), b) Half-heartedly swinging one sword at you, c) Jumping backwards and swinging both swords forwards, kinda like safety scissors, except not safe, or d) You walking into one of its blades. The main way to kill it is by slashing while it lunges. AN: The timeframe for killing the blobstringthingblob is very small. This is ridiculously hard.
  18. A RAZOR QUEEN, ahiddenbossoho (another use of the official name). This will own you. It’ll own you with it’s awesome golden tail that will own you or it’s awesome golden side leg sword things that will own you or it’s pair of golden swords that you will own-* I mean, will own you. It takes 5 good hits to kill it, and they have to be when it lunges, and to it’s head-part-thing-blob-part. It will enter the screen with a lunge (it will spread both it’s main swords and LUNGGGGGGE), which is your cue to dodge to the side of the head and give a good slash. The Razor Queen will also consistenly drop black-blue mini spike things that will walk around randomly. If you get too close to these, they will pause and explode with teethy goodbadness. The R-Queen will also randomly enter Siege Form. This is when it stops moving and starts SHOOTING. This is supremely bad. You must then dodge all the fangs, drill mites, and spiny jacks it then proceeds to blast-, no, shoot-, no, fire-, no, spew** at you at pretty high speed. Fangs are basically just bullets and jacks are basically portable pieces of cover (for the fangs) that it also shoots at you (note: walking into them results in impalement). The drill mites are a different story. These jerks follow you underground at decent speeds, and when they get really close to you, they’ll just go “POP” out of the ground and try to run you through. If the mite misses, it’ll re-enter the ground again and continue chasing you until you destroy it, which you do by swinging while it is out of the ground (e.g. trying to kill you). With luck, the R-Queen will not throw these things at you (With more luck, the R-Queen will not even enter Siege Form, but that’s wishful thinking right there). After several seconds of sieging your face, the R-Queen will start moving again and will be vulnerable all over again. AN: HARDEST>F…ING>BOSS>IN>THE>G>A>M>E. Also appears late in the nest.
  19. The last character in A+… is the player character. And all his dead clones, just lying in some shallow grave somewhere out there, still wearing their blue jumpsuits.

A+ has some real addicting gameplay up it’s sleeve, but getting every one of the 110 awards is a pain (Hardest Achievement: either “Queensbane“, ““, “Merciless“, “Untouchable“, “Unbelievable Combo“, “Killer Swing“, or “Legend“.****)

This is a description of all the awards in appearance: Gold, Silver, or Bronze medals with a black picture on them and a design of the ribbon part.*****

Rating: 10/10 (Go Play This Game Right Now. Also, Wear An Aluminum Foil Hat, Because Otherwise This Game’s Awesomely Epic Win Leetness And Ownage Will Rock Your Clock And Sock That Rock While Logging That Noggin)

*It’s a reference to this manzai (TH M1, 2nd). Also, you get to have one of its swords if you beat it outside of practice mode.

** (WARNING: Link leads to TVTropes. Houraiguy is not responsible for hours days weeks years spent following up to this one link***. Seriously, the amount of links there is insane.)

*** I suppose you could sue TVTropes…? Nahhh.

**** Queensbane: “Awarded for splatting 3 Queens [the red string of blobs with two golden swords]. Cat-like reflexes, iron concentration, and a healthy dose of luck to boot. Or you’re just that leet.” : “Awarded for splatting a Razor Queen. You are now entitled to boast to your friends that you beat the boss of this game. Ignore confused looks of skepticism.” Merciless: “Awarded for splatting 2 Razor Queens. Anyone can stumble through something impressive once. Consider this proof of your awesomeness.” Untouchable: “Awarded for surviving 10 minutes in Bounty Run mode [survival mode]. I can only assume you’ve reached some sort of ninth-level-zen-state to keep it going for a whole ten minutes. There is no fear- there is only the Force” Unbelievable Combo: “Awarded for splatting 8 Glooples in a single swing. What the… how do you even FIT eight Glooples into one swing arc?? You cheated somehow didn’t you… don’t lie to me.” Killer Swing: “Awarded for splatting 300 bounty worth of Gloople in a single swing. Now that’s how you use a preposterously out of size sword. Cloud who.” Legend: “Awarded for scoring 3000 points in any mode. Holy crap, what are you, a freaking Jedi?!”. Other humourous descriptions of awards: Dedicated: “Awarded for dying 50 times. Somewhere out there, there’s a graveyard full of your failures.” Impressionist: “Awarded for splatting four different types of Glooples in one single swing. Not just instant abstract art, but one of the toughest achievements in the game. Congratulations.” Black Mark: “Awarded for splatting an Inkie [the black shadowblobninjasamuraiblob]. Bonus points if you thought of Rorschach***** and saw a pony.” Sick Combo: “Awarded for slashing 6 Glooples in a single swing. Now that’s a great swing. Opportunity knocked, and you slashed the crap out of it.” Bragging Rights: “Awarded for clearing a Huge Single Nest. Roses are red. Violets are blue. All my base are belong to you.” Academic: “Awarded for spending 10 minutes total in Practice mode. The pen is mightier than the sword. Except in this game. Cuz there’s no pen. And the sword is really big.” Massive Swing: “Awarded for splatting 150 worth of bounty in a single swing. A swing like that shows some pretty deft tactics. Either that or blind luck, but we’ll stick with the tactics thing.” Mad Skills: “Awarded for clearing a Big Single Nest. Your name shall strike terror into the hearts of Glooples for ages to come. If they had hearts. Okay, their goo, then.” Bloodletter: “Awarded for being killed 5 different ways. Variety is the spice of life. Also, apparently, messy bloody death.” Gorehound: “Awarded for being killed in 10 different ways. Burned, bisected, bitten, melted, impaled, shattered, mauled, and beheaded. And your insurance premiums are probably none to pretty either.” Threat Assessment: “Awarded for surviving 10 minutes in Bounty Run mode without dying. Assuming you aren’t a sissy or didn’t have the difficulty ramp set on low, that’s actually pretty good. Otherwise, well… you’re a sissy.”

***** As in the inkblot test. I’ve saved you the trouble of going to Wikipedia. Tips, please.


Arbitrary Definition: “Super Mario Galaxy”

-in progress-

Super Mario Galaxy. Sooooooooooooooooooooo-per Mah-ri-o Gal-axe-ee. (P. N.) “Super Mario Galaxy” refers to the commonplace Wii title of 2000-something (2006? 05?) in which a certain ubiquitous plumber goes off on a certain ubiquitous journey to rescue a certain ubiquitous (PROFANITY) from a certain ubiquitous turtle with an awesome shell. This particular installation in the “Mario” series differs from several other mainstream parts of said series in that it occurs in the evil depths of F(PROFANITY)ING SPACE, au contraire a la shitfeste, pardon moi Francais. This particular alien concept differs from most of these previous shitfestes (continue to pardon moi Francais: gain three Player and three Bomb, resets score and dooms thoust to est Bad Ending; ignore poor Francais: continue reading) in that one must deal with the constraints of 3-D platforming, a concept encountered only in Super Paper Mario, Super Mario Sunshine, Super Mario 64, Super Papier Mache Mario, Super Mario Darkness, Super Mario 65, Super Cellophane Mario, Super Mario Moonshine Drinking Contest Hur Hur Hurrrr, Super Mario 9001, Super Doot Mario, Super Super Super Super Mario Super The MovieGame, etc. Thus doing the “goomba hop” no longer translates to a bloody goomba-gut fest in which the player holds down the “jump” button while a consecutive line of spawning goombas emerge from a spawning warp pipe installed in the F(PROFANITY)ING side of the earthen wall to the right-wards side of the screen until said player reaches 99 lives and/or player runs out of time but rather transforms itself in to a Mario-gut fest with Mario consistently running into Goombas, a process not at all prevented by the poor implementation of the camera system. Nintendo, you a JERKKKKK

Super Mario Galaxy’s main story launches off with the entirely unpredictable opening in which a [Rude cross between the words "Bee" and "Ostrich"] of a Princess gets KIDNAPPERED by a Bowser the 108,489,139,047th. Bowser the one hundred and eight billion four hundred and eighty nine million one hundred thirty nine thousand and forty seventh differs from his 108,489,139,046 predecessors in that he chooses to employ a F(PROFANITYYYYYYYYY)ING fleet of FLYING-[Profane word here roughly translates to "Pair of Buttocks, singular form"] SAUCERS WITH

LAZZZZZZZ

ZZZZZZZ

ZZZZZZZ

ZZZZZZZ

ZZZZZZZ

LAZYBOY RECLINERS attack Mushroom Kingdom. The (aliens?) recline in their LaZBoy [Profane word here translates to "Doots"] and bombard the M.Kingdom with large sound waves (See Heli Attack 3, “Soundwaave”.) in the shape of ZZZZZZs

ZZZZZZZ

ZZZZZZZ

ZZZZZZZ

ZZZZZZZ

LAZZZZZERS which then continue to separate the castle of said ["Female Dog"] before shooting huge ["Buttocks"] chains into the nice circle around the castle which was conveniently made by said lazers going “LAAAAZER” into the ground to make the nice circle around the castle which was conveniently made by said lazers going “LAAAAZER” into the ground to make the nice circle around the castle which was conveniently made by said lazers going “LAAAAZER” into the ground to make the nice circle, etc. until said castle is airlifted UP UP AND AWAY (insert manic drug-induced spree here- otherwise begin marathon of “Death Dice Overdose” :/)

Somehow, while UFOs coast away into the DEEP DARK SKY, Mario gets ON THE CASTLE AND DOESN’T FALL OFF. A few seconds after the previous statement no longer becomes true, Mario gets BLASTED OFF THE CASTLE AND SOMEHOW FALLS OFF BECAUSE HE GOT BLASTED OFF THE CASTLE BY AN ANGRY TURTLETHING WITH A BLUE ROBETHING AND A WANDTHING. MARIO FAINTED! DOO DOO DOO DOOOOOOO (ominous theme ensues).

After his untimely demise, the player discovers that Mario did not in fact come to an untimely demise, which is a pity because it would have been interesting to see Mario slowly be pulled into the evil gravity of THE EARTH and then transform into a freaking comet thing while burning to a CRISP HAHAHAHAHAHA (Sadism leveled up! DOOODODOODOODODODOOOOOOOO!)

…Anyway, for some unknown reason, Mario is ALIVE and DID NOT burn up into a crisp. He is met by a BUNNY who leads him to another 2 BUNNIES who then decide to play tricks with Mario’s mind by screwing up the climactic fun of the situation by playing HIDE AND SEEK. Several captive bunnies later, a hax cutscene unfolds containing explicit content. This is marked as “explicit” as the ridiculousness of the situation in said cutscene will most likely SHRIVEL YOUR BRAIN because of the genericness.

Skipping several minutes later, Mario enters a “dome”. The dome promptly explodes because said “Terrace” seriously dislikes colour red. Darn. Mario is not affected and dome promptly regenerates 0.1 seconds later. Black “Luma” begins lecture. Mario gets headache. MARIO SMASH. Mario points at a blue “sling” star. Mario floats. Mario sees a galaxy. Mario shoots himself into: GOOD EGG GAAAALAXY.

Very small black fine print: “Goomba infestation currently in progress”

After seeing the words, “WELCOME TO THE GALAXY”, Mario immediately embarks on a HEROIC ADVENTURE SPANNING YELLOW SPINNY THINGS until HE REACHES THE BOSS. This turns out to be a walking egg. Mario pisses off said egg of doom by smashing into it. Egg gets mad. Mad egg is MAD. MAD MAD MAD, the egg goes and subsequently evolves into a “DINO PIRANHA” thing and goes rampaging around the small planet hunting down a Mario, who spins into it round, sphere tail thing which, after several subsequent attempts, causes the thing to suffocate and explode into a power star. Mario continues to collect power stars until he has 120 of them. Then a Luigi comes out of nowhere and has to collect the same 120 stars. Again. After that, both plumbers must overcome teh evil easiness hardness of the world of GRANDMASTER GALAXY or something like that. Hurrah?

Then the game has no more playability…

[The article ends here.]


O-NEG 9: INQUISITIVE DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAVE

DAVE DAVE DAAAAAAAAAAAAAVE DAVVVVVE DAVEEEEEE D-D-D-D-D-DAVE BREAKER D-D-D-D-D-D-D-DOMBO DREAKER

So yes, I have internet connection while on vacation! I can post! I can be up to date on my one-person video subscriptions[EDIT: Not enough internet to actually do this.]! AND DAAAAAVE

>-Actual O-NEG Begins Here

Inquisitive Dave is a game. Games are this.* ID (cue Koishi danmaku and Freudian quotes) is about a person named Dave. He presumably goes around SAVING THE WORLDDDD-DAVE DAVE DAVE RAVE.

[Some people may notice at this point that I feel all rave-y today RAVE ON DAVE

ID uses the mouse FOR ONLY ONE PURPOSE. This is to regain focus on the Adoozy Falsh control thingamajigger if focus is lost. Otherwise, use WASD/<^>v ** and SPACE AND THE GALAAAAAXYBAR/Enter.

List1: Things Dave Can Do

Dave can JUMP.*** Press W or ^.
Dave can MOVE UPUPDOWNDOWNLEFTRIGHTLEFTRIGHTBASELECTSTART****
Dave can SAVE THE WORLD [citation needed]

List2: Things Fatal To Dave

  • Water: DAVE CAN’T SWIMMMM- blub
  • Guns: DAVE HAS NO BULLET TIME
  • Crocodiles: ITS SOOPER EFFEKTIV
  • Antlions: The ones from Tremors.
  • Poisonous-To-Dave Berries: They’re deadly POISON! ALSO ADDICTIVE OR SOMETHING!
  • The End Of The World: 2012
  • Wizard (EVIL): Shoots an Electric Zap. See Electric Zap.
  • Electric Zap: See WIZARD

>–Back To The O-NEG Here

ID: This is like a Point-And-Click game (It’s a Falsh game, remember? KONGREGATE FTW), except without the use of the SACRED MOUSE. And with sarcastic comments.

List3: Sarcastic Quotes From ID:*****

  • “It’s a puddle. You’d better hurry up and escape soon because there’s a dripping up in the ceiling; the water level could reach a whole foot in the next millenia or two.”
  • (Outside of prison, talking to prison guard for your cell) “Go away. I’m guarding the prisoner.” (You are the prisoner :/)
  • “It’s some of that Awesomade. Didn’t they stop making that after that kid’s eyes fell out?”
  • (Intro) Dave: “If only there was some sort of guiding player to make decisions for me!”

Thus we see that ID has a sense of humour. ID does seem to have an awful amount of walking back and forth, but the humour is very well implemented (Thus we see ID is more like a humour romp than a game~). The FINAL BOSS is also pretty creatively made (HINT: CAMPING RAVE RAVE RAVE).

By the way, you haven’t learned anything from reading this post. Hurrrrm. Also, the link is here.

FINAL REVIEW: 8.9/10

*Or at least Super Mario Galaxy 2 is that.
**Arrow Keys.
***So can Greg~.
****He can’t actually move down w/out gravity. He can’t move selectstartba either :/
*****Not direct quotes.


Monochrome Pictures: Series 2

“FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU”

“Return of the freaking evil bamboo forest, Take 1″

“21345414667 grazes and 1 point later”

“Not the unbeatable spellcard! NOOOOO”

Note: It’s not usually that big >.>

“Er… Should I pick Yes… or Yes…? WHERES MAH KCUFING NO BUTTON”


Arbitrary Definition: “Mario” IN HD

In HD. Inn Aych-Dee (adj.) As in, lots of talking.

Mario. Mah-ri-o (p. n.) “Mario” is a word used in conjunction with the existence of a particular plumber who enjoys wearing red-hued garments or large overalls and dealing out justice to the evil scum that clogs up pipes, most notably toilet pipes. This (“) dictionary (“) assumes this confidently, going on the fact that Mario is a plumber, and that plumbers clean pipes with their trusty plumber plungers, and that in the junior editor’s experience, the only pipe that seriously needs unclogging is the toilet pipe. “Mario”, in conjunction with the word “game(s)”, can also refer to a (series of) game(s) in which the aforementioned character goes all “Terminator” or,  in other circles, “Mokou” (Mokou is just SLIGHTLY more evil than Youmu <.>) on a variety of evil characters, most of them being turtles or mushrooms. As Mushy, the senior editor of this dictionary, likes mushrooms, and the junior editor says, quote on quote,

“I LIKE TURTLES”

this is occasionally seen as BLOODY GRAPHIC VIOLENCE by several members of the gaming community (See The Armory: Mario’s Feet on IGN). The aforementioned plumber, in these games, does not seem to actually do any plumbing in this game; if you think about this, this is odd; why else would you put a freaking plumber into a game; I mean you could totally go for a prince or say a junior editor; and instead of this weird-sounding name like “Mario”, you could very possibly change it to something more fancy, such as “Houraiguy” or “Houraiguy”; and instead of having ABSOLUTELY NO [action that main character does for his main job, which is not saving princesses D:<], the main character could actually do his job, which would be to DELETE THE HECK OUT OF paragraphs like these;

for;

having;

too;

many;

semi-colons. :P

At this point, several readers of the Encyclopedia Arbitraria et Stupidia et Onewica may question the use of the occupation “junior editor”, seeing that this occupation would not exactly “fit the bill” in many readers’ minds. However, the direct lack of an abundance of occupations where the, to be somewhat direct/blunt, repeated SQUASHING and FLATTENING of various animated mushrooms with tusks and over-sized eyes as well as the kicking of various rainbow-coloured shells belonging to frightened bipedal turtles that, as of late, perform a jig right out of the blue, means that frankly any occupation is open for this position. If the Terminator had gone “You must beh TURMINAYTED” and flew thirty bajillion feet up in the air before zooming down at speeds in excess of 31415926 bajillion kilometres a second to “TURMINAYT” its target, then the Terminator, as a job, would be choice for this job, seeing as the junior editor would rather not induce the wrath of demented dive-bombing steel hunks with red eyes.

In early installations of so-called “Mario” games, the plumber from a place known as the “Mushroom Kingdom”. Why Mario is not plumbing happily in some godforsaken corner of this area is unclear. If we study the storyline, a typical and generally unvarying thing amongst these “games”, it seems that a “Princess Peach” has been kidnapped by the “evil” Bowser. This may help clear up the question of how why Mario was chasing Princess Peach. Perhaps Mario had a relationship with the Princess. It is becoming, with increasing amounts of confirmation by renowned “scientists” (A.K.A Junior editors Me, Myself, I, and Houraiguy), that a possible alternate theory may have been the cause of all this “OH SH*T THE PRINCESS-A CAN STOLERD-A BY A BIG TURTLE WITH SPIKES NOW I HAVE TO RUN-A AFTER THE PRINCESS-A”. This theory is as follows:

“Mario, using the more illegal services of Princess Peach, is behind on his payments to her for her services. After the Princess is dragged away by the spikey turtle, Mario futilely hopes to be redeemed from his debts. After 7 mysterious AND TOTALLY NOT AT ALL REPETITIVE NO NOT AT ALL cryptic messages from mushroom-headed beings with short legs and blue shirts in several Evil Turtle TM castles and a CONFRONTATION with the TURTLE OF SPIKEY DOOM, Mario thinks, stupidly, that the Princess will eradicate his debts to her. She doesn’t. Then, two seconds after the Princess arrives back in her castle, she is stolen by a clone of the EVIL SPIKEY TURTLE. Repeat.”

After the robbery of his Princess, the plumber of Kingdom Hearts a la Mushroom sets off on a JOURNEY. This plumber, in addition to having unprotected *** episodes, also takes drugs. Along his journey to slide down about 30 flagpoles, he encounters four different types of drugs. The first one of these drugs is a large mushroom the size of Mario. This mushroom, when taken, appears to act like instant steroids, doubling his height. The second drug, which oddly only seems to appear when the plumber is at a “two head proportion” (See: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-D1Gr7fM_2w), creates a puffball explosion in which the plumber’s colour palette appears to have been swapped. The third type of drug is a bouncing star. You can tell this star is a “good” guy because it is running away from Mario, who is obviously bad. Another sneaky sign of the drugginess of this star is that is bouncing. This strar will never stop bouncing unless it falls down a pit or is eaten by Mario, who then turns into a Shiny Mario, who is then sought after eagerly by Ash Ketchum, or at least until Mario stops shining ten seconds later. Oddly, whilst the plumber of sparkly overalls bounces off to the next flagpole/toad with the message of “YOU PRINCESS IS OVAR THAIR HUR HUR GO AHED”, he tends to fall in bottomless pits increasingly often, probably because Shiny Mario is increasingly cocky during the duration of this drug. A final drug is another member of the “OH SHOOT MARIO IS COMING TO EAT ME RUN AWAYYY -omnomnommed” family, the One Upius Mushroomius Fungus Thingamajigger. This mushroom seems to carry the detrimental message of “GET A LIFE, MARIO”, or so it’s oddly green soul claims (“1UP”).

At this point, it seems like a good idea to note that Mario, unlike most proper plumbers, uses two sorts of weapons. Unlike conventional Italian plumbers, who would normally attack bipedal mushrooms and turtles with colourful language, chlorela infected waters, and their Trusty Plunger Of Emptying That Toilet Pipe TM, Mario primarily uses a pair of boots and a pair of gloves. These boots must be the same as the ones used by Link (See: “Link”), as few other objects would allow the user to flatten a mushroom with legs into a brown/blue blur with the only memento of this evil gore fest being a white series of letters/numbers rising from where the mushroom once stood, presumably the soul of the “Goomba”. Oddly, these “souls” seem to be either a multiple of 100 or the message “1UP“. Goombas, therefore the Junior Editor concludes, must be weird.

After conquering a number of these enemies, the plumber inevitably stumbles into a grand castle with a lot of white bricks. After dodging a number of fatal oranges smudges, the plumber will always encounter Bowser, who can only be defeated by touching an axe-like lever that causes the bridge, in a Megaman-like effect, disappear into what was thought to be a pit of lava, but has now been revealed to be a portal to the next castle, where Bowser waits through several levels, randomly breathing fiery smudges of doom across his next castle while trying  not to touch the axe-lever.

For more information, see the “Super Mario Galaxy” entry.

Discussion Questions

1. Why is Mario’s mustache so dumb-looking? Cite examples.

2. Why does Bowser want Princess Peach? Is he under her debt too? Explain.

3. Isn’t Lakitu a freaking annoying *******************? Why or why not?


Monochrome Pictures: Series 1

Ohheyyesthisishouraiguydoingapostwithprettymuchnomeaningatall

Not based on a true story.



Continue #3

Someone set us up the bomb

This is what happens when you have no bombs to be “set us upped


HELL-O: (Hourai’s Evil List of Lethargy on O-New) Awesome Weapons in Games Part 4

I’m running out of ideas~  ‘~’

THIS IS THE LAST PART OF THIS LIST HAHAHAHAHA I WILL BE FREED FROM THE PUNY SHACKLES OF RESPONSIBILITY

Number 3: The Black Hole Generator (HeliAttack 3; PC (Flash))

What: This huge-*** gun does not shoot bullets. It does not shoot missiles, bullets, lasers, boomerang blades, corrosive goo, sparks, or shotgun shells. No. See “Why”.

How: Something along the lines of what makes pretty much every freaking gun work. HAXSHENANIGANSANDEVERYTHING. Who really cares, though? IT’S AWESOME.

Why: It shoots black holes. This is no microscopic LHC black hole producer. This makes BLACK HOLES. This kills anything on screen. Excludes you. Screen shake added! This black hole is like 5 yous tall. IT RIPS THROUGH HELICOPTERS LIKE BUTTER KNIFES THROUGH BUTTER.

SON OF A BLEEPING BLEEP FEST

Actually, the BHG does not create all the bullets, arrows, or grenades in that picture. Those were there just for show. The ominous black shadows in the middle of all this is a BLACK HOLE that will ABSORB all those loverly things into it, thus removing all the lag. The arrows specifically prove that that guy is EIRIN

Numeros 2: The Experimental MIRV (Fallout 3; PC, XBox 360, PS3)

Yeah, we already did a post with a weapon from FO3.

[grand, epic speech]

TO HELL WITH RULES

FOR TONIGHT I MAKE AN EXCEPTION TO REPETITION RESTRICTIONS

TONIGHT, SPARTANS, WE DINE IN HELL IN THIS HELL-O WHILE EATING JELL-O

[/idiocy]

Because this is awesome. Also, to hell with the “Why:” and “What:” and “How:” columns.

Earlier in this game, you will occasionally find a “Fat Man” off somewhat tough enemies. Remember Hiroshima? Yes, references are great UNLESS THEY’RE HISTORICAL in which case [hyena] THEY’RE HYSTERICAL [/squeaking]. Even earlier from that point, you will notice items referred to as “Mini-Nukes”. Also, these items are quizzically organized in the “Ammunition” category. You may, at this point, wonder what these ammunition items are for, excluding selling (these are rare and sell for a LOT). That is where the Fat Man does. It shoots these mini-nukes. To hell with this “mini-” prefix, these things make pretty big explodershuns. AND THEY HURT. The only problems with M-Ns:

1. They are rare,

2. They can hurt you with their insane splash radii, and

3. They are not as big as the nuke in Megaton, which is taller AND fatter than YOU (you can’t get fat >.>).

Because of 1., M-Ns run out quickly.

And then the E-MIRV comes in.

The E-MIRV is not so mere as to be able to be found off mere mortal enemies. No, you must (practically) go through HELL (not the Deathclaw Sanctuary, where you can find medic power armour) to find 5 “Keller Family Transcripts”, and then venture through this weird building for a long time until you reach a freaking terminal that will only let you past with the passwords in the transcripts… AND THEN YOU FINALLY GET THE MIRV (with bonus nukes!)

What is different from the Fat Man and the Experimental MIRV? For a start, the E-MIRV is more powerful. How art thissa a-being a-possible-a? After all, the Fat Man shoots a NUKE. Hint: Shotgun rain with radioactive properties.

This is no mere shotgun that fires a petty 3, 4, 5, 6, or 3.1415926535… bullets. No. This fires 1 WHOLE MINI-NUKE.

…Of course, we were talking about the Fat Man back there. The MIRV shoots 8 nukes. HECK YEAH. You have like a 50% percent chance of killing yourself every time you fire the [PROFANITY]ing weapon, just because of splash. Awesome sauce is awesome, shotguns, and Experimental MIRVs. I’m sure the only thing it CAN’T take out in one shot is Liberty Prime >.>

Number 1

Drumrolllllllllllllllllll

Dramatic pause

Imperial March music here

Number 1: The Smash Ball (Super Smash Bros. Brawl; Wii)

Yes, you’re prolly thinking about how a glowy orb not much bigger than Sonic’s oversized, bobblehead-esque head can be better than

  • The Rock-It Launcher (#10)
  • The Last Word Spellcards (#9)
  • Mario’s Boots (#8) (These might have been higher up if not for the fact that they didn’t have spikes)
  • The Seeker (#7)
  • The Kasimov SNV-E99 (#6)
  • The Chandelier of Awesome (#5) (Also want spikes for this one)
  • The Portal Gun (#4)
  • The Black Hole Generator
  • The Experimental MIRV

But it is. Because it’s

  • A pair of gloves with magic pixie dust (Mario)
  • A forcefield (Luigi)
  • A pair of drums (Donkey Kong)
  • Three tanks (Fox, Falco, Wolf)
  • A electric field of hell (Pikachu)
  • An upgraded laser cannon (Samus)
  • Poke-Steroids (Short-Term) (Jigglypuff)
  • Mutation (Temporary) (Ganondorf)
  • Power Level Over 9000-ers (Lucario)
  • A Jetpack (Diddy Kong)
  • Dragon Drugs (Yoshi)
  • A racing vehicle (Blue Falcon, GO!) (Capt. Falcon)
  • A mob (King Dedede)
  • A suit of armour (Zero Suit Samus)
  • More Steroids (Longer Lasting!) (Bowser)
  • A set of ink blobs (Mr. Game and Watch)
  • A critical hit (Marth)
  • A flaming sword (Ike)
  • A Helicopter (AC 130?) with a Grenade Launcher (Snake)
  • A Pokemon Rare Candy Bundle (three quintillion, ten quadrillion, three hundred eighty five trillion, twenty-eight billion, four hundred ninety-five million, eight hundred seventy-four thousand seven hundred fifty-one Rare Candies rolled into one! *Temporary Effects) (Pokemon Trainer)
  • Two Bows with A Light Arrow For Each One (Zelda and Sheik)
  • A rocket ship (Olimar)
  • 7 “Chaos Emeralds” (Sonic, you jerk)

Etc, etc. Course, them’s not the REAL names, but STILL.

I mean, that thing is all of those things. Most notably the tanks.]

And that is an incentive of awesome.

HELL-O FINISH


HELL-O: (Hourai’s Evil List of Lethargy on O-New) Awesome Weapons in Games Part 3

A highly flawed list; Part 3

Number 5: The Chandelier (You Have To Burn The Rope; PC (Flash))

What: A chandelier. Yellow. Has candles. One Hit KO’s all enemies*.

How: A relative of Mario’s shoes. Unleash the power** of this weapon through the obtaining of an unknown*** tube-like object of dark beige hue with Oxygen wasting properties****. In addition to acquiring the sacred***** object of power**, another mysterious requirement must be fulfilled before the absolute, deadly surge of power from this annihilator. Many efforts from renowned****** archaeologists have merited the discovery of a cryptic message detailing supposedly detailing the wonders of this weapon of mass destruction. Advanced******* expert******** cryptologists********* are hard at work, striving to decode the language of this message. Theories of how the Chandelier works********** have arisen recently with the finding of the message.

Why: Credits song is better than Still Alive.

*: Or enemy. **: Damage currently undefined. Order now! ***: The fire on the wall. ****: The torch which the fire on the wall is on. *****: Only sacred to worshippers of Chandelierism. ******: Not necessarily renowned. *******: Not necessarily advanced. ********: Not necessarily experts. *********: A.k.a potheads. **********: Gravity.

Number 4: The… (Uh…) Whatchamacallit… Thingamajig…? (Portal; XBox 360)

Er… what was it called again? Ummm… (*checks Google*)

What: The WCMCITAMJ, better known as the ASHPD, from the [handspasm]AKJFGHALFGUHAFVB A8G8RG;afaY8EWAGRY ARSDGU9430T GA9ERI;df’aGF IJVAHJJBVDAFN[>.<]VIDAJOSJDIVADH[/handspasm]science laboratory*, is able to make wormholes from here to there. While not exactly able to (gore-filled moment with livid description), it has proven among the best in destroying cameras**.

How: Shenanigans. Hacks. No idea.

Why: You can teleport with this thing. If you had a knife, you could just portal behind your target and start shanking. Also, you can pick up really heavy cubes with this thing.

*: Aperture Science Laboratories. **: There’s an XBox achievement for destroying every camera on every level. A camera gets destroyed by being shot by one of your portals.

Still more s**t is a-coming.