O-New: Now Extinct Website


The Purpose of Zero

The truth is, zero has zero purpose. (Recently, zero’s purpose being within itself has caused a tear in the space time continueum of earth’s atmosphere, unleashing an army of deranged lepricons with light sabers) Some argue that Zero’s purpose is in fact to prevent anarchy in the world where as others argue that its purpose is to cause anarchy in the world.

Zero = Anarchy: Those that believe the number zero is to create anarchy amongst the world are known as Crackpots. None of their points have ever been validated, because nobody gives a damn about what a crackpot has to say. Crackpots often point out that Zero is responsible for 1000’s of suicides each year. Their research shows that these suicides are often commited by teenagers struggling with the concept of there being nothing where there once was something.

Additionally, Crackpot research shows that 21% of Zero Suicides are by middle aged women who never settled down to have children and as a result have very saggy Zeros between their legs which take on the image of a Walrus on crack. Of course, none of this research can be validated because, quite frankly, who would listen to a Crackpot? If you see one, do both it and the world a favor by killing it before it molasts a lamp without a lightbulb with the switch on. (Which nobody wants to see). The only way to kill a Crackpot is with a stake knife and chokery using an arcade token.

Zero = Peace: People that believe Zero’s purpose is to keep the peace are called Zero Peace Fanatics. The General Public has always been highly confused by this name, believing that Zero Peace Fanatics are obsessed worshipers of religious fruit and wish to rain used condems upon the earth to create global terror. (Most people ignore these accusations and simply state that Zero Peace Fanatics are ‘just a global threat.’ Zero Peace Fanatics are in fact, very peaceful people with absolutely no lives. They live at home eating jelly beans and their only social activity is getting together with penguins to have apple dunking games. What all this has to do with anything is still a mystery. The Zero Peace Fanatics hope that one day we will all find Zero in our destinies and be at peace with everything. Zero Peace Fanatics believe that Apocalypse Zero was a God-like prophet sent by a giant Zero shaped warp storm located near the ‘dwarf planet’ Pluto [AKA: Circularly challenged sphere].

Creation of Zero

In the beginning there was something. That something being absolutely nothing. Therefore, Zero has existed since the beginning. Zero’s existence within a state of non-existence caused the big bang. Man began life in the ancient lands of Mesabeginia. Humans were very simple creatures with very complex psychological problems concerning the existence from non-existence that would cause religious warfare to rage on for thousands of years.

Men were very competative by nature and would often have competitions over how yellow a banana was, rock collections, and number of tetris games won. These competitions were very important to the men, however they had no way of keeping records because they were unaware of numbers.

After many great wars and complete anihalations of a variety of cultures a solution was discovered. Competative records could be kept on the amount of fingers people held up. Highly honored people known as Dumba**es would witness an important competition and keep record of the scores on their fingers. They would continue to hold their fingers up as long as the winning competitor continued to pay a weekly fee of tubby custard. Over time, each finger (and thumb) was given a name. The first finger was named One(Wan) after a very lonely Chinese virgin who lived in the mountains. Two(Tew) was named after a couple of side by side turds with faces drawn in them. Three, four, five, six were just random baby names pulled from a lottery and seven, eight, nine were chosen in rememberance of the horrible case of cannobolism when a very strange and hungry man named Seven ate an ugly woman named Nine. Ten was actually called Ben after a very famous general’s son, but Oscar Wilde changed it to Ten because Hitler kept getting laughed at trying to say, ‘I vant to drop Ben Bombs!!!’

Over time, the losers of very humilating competitions would sneak into the houses of the Dumbasses and cut off their fingers so that there would be no proof of any record. (Rather bizarly, anyone who tried to bribe between 10 000 BC and 2000 BC would burst into flames) Dumba**es who’d had their fingers cut off would often say, “I have no fingers” or “The count of my fingers is none”, but people went into a frenzy of anarchy because there could not possibly be a number for having no number. Tens of thousands of wars were fought over the holy grail which supposadly contained the almighty ‘!number without a number!’ At last an unknown man named Apocalypse Zero came along and stopped what is now known as the Apocalypse of Zero. He claimed that this number without a number was in fact, Zero (named after himself) which he stated as either the loss of everything or the gain of nothing. (Or for the mathamatically challenged: The rim of an oval next to a 1) But in all seriousness, 0 was invented in India. So yeah, thanks.

About Zero

Zero is the value of nothing, but zero is not nothing, because the value of nothing is the value of something which means that nothing is something and something can’t be nothing without being non-existent which is imposible without the ability to un-become, which of course does not mean destroy, because to destroy is to make something into nothing and we’ve already gone over why something can’t be nothing since nothing is something. You have just witnessed the number zero, as in, you have zero clue as to what you just read and never will, because the amount of facts in that statement are Zero.

Zero is the value of nothing, although Zero is not equal to non-existence, because zero most certainly does exist despite the fact that it does absolutely nothing to contribute to society. There have been many attempts by Christian groups, AA, and the Back on your Feet Foundation to get Zero back into the working world so that it can make something of itself and accomplish something asides from nothing.

The shape of the number zero was decided by the Zero Appearence competition held by Jesus Christ when he got bored of walking on water and decided to do something just as equally pointless, but even more awsome. The winner was a retarded talking carrot who simply submitted an oval with the center cut out of it.

Zero resides between negative one and postive one.

Zero is also a place holder. It will hold people’s place in line ups if they have to go pee. Unfortunately, reserving your spot with a worthless number is not very effective.

Quite remarkably, Zero’s presence to the right of any number makes it worth 10 times as much. (Including the number ten itself) Therefore, the fact of reality is that as long as you have something (no matter how small and near valueless it is) the presence of lots and lots of worthless items next to it increases the worth. For instance, a pen might not be worth much by itself, but put a melted thimble, a pile of ashes and a bird without wings next to it and suddenly you’ve got a priceless model of the earth and its populance in 20 years.

Monochrome Pictures: Series 2


“Return of the freaking evil bamboo forest, Take 1”

“21345414667 grazes and 1 point later”

“Not the unbeatable spellcard! NOOOOO”

Note: It’s not usually that big >.>

“Er… Should I pick Yes… or Yes…? WHERES MAH KCUFING NO BUTTON”

Monochrome Pictures: Series 1


Not based on a true story.

Continue #3

Someone set us up the bomb

This is what happens when you have no bombs to be “set us upped

HELL-O: (Hourai’s Evil List of Lethargy on O-New) Awesome Weapons in Games Part 4

I’m running out of ideas~  ‘~’


Number 3: The Black Hole Generator (HeliAttack 3; PC (Flash))

What: This huge-*** gun does not shoot bullets. It does not shoot missiles, bullets, lasers, boomerang blades, corrosive goo, sparks, or shotgun shells. No. See “Why”.

How: Something along the lines of what makes pretty much every freaking gun work. HAXSHENANIGANSANDEVERYTHING. Who really cares, though? IT’S AWESOME.

Why: It shoots black holes. This is no microscopic LHC black hole producer. This makes BLACK HOLES. This kills anything on screen. Excludes you. Screen shake added! This black hole is like 5 yous tall. IT RIPS THROUGH HELICOPTERS LIKE BUTTER KNIFES THROUGH BUTTER.


Actually, the BHG does not create all the bullets, arrows, or grenades in that picture. Those were there just for show. The ominous black shadows in the middle of all this is a BLACK HOLE that will ABSORB all those loverly things into it, thus removing all the lag. The arrows specifically prove that that guy is EIRIN

Numeros 2: The Experimental MIRV (Fallout 3; PC, XBox 360, PS3)

Yeah, we already did a post with a weapon from FO3.

[grand, epic speech]





Because this is awesome. Also, to hell with the “Why:” and “What:” and “How:” columns.

Earlier in this game, you will occasionally find a “Fat Man” off somewhat tough enemies. Remember Hiroshima? Yes, references are great UNLESS THEY’RE HISTORICAL in which case [hyena] THEY’RE HYSTERICAL [/squeaking]. Even earlier from that point, you will notice items referred to as “Mini-Nukes”. Also, these items are quizzically organized in the “Ammunition” category. You may, at this point, wonder what these ammunition items are for, excluding selling (these are rare and sell for a LOT). That is where the Fat Man does. It shoots these mini-nukes. To hell with this “mini-” prefix, these things make pretty big explodershuns. AND THEY HURT. The only problems with M-Ns:

1. They are rare,

2. They can hurt you with their insane splash radii, and

3. They are not as big as the nuke in Megaton, which is taller AND fatter than YOU (you can’t get fat >.>).

Because of 1., M-Ns run out quickly.

And then the E-MIRV comes in.

The E-MIRV is not so mere as to be able to be found off mere mortal enemies. No, you must (practically) go through HELL (not the Deathclaw Sanctuary, where you can find medic power armour) to find 5 “Keller Family Transcripts”, and then venture through this weird building for a long time until you reach a freaking terminal that will only let you past with the passwords in the transcripts… AND THEN YOU FINALLY GET THE MIRV (with bonus nukes!)

What is different from the Fat Man and the Experimental MIRV? For a start, the E-MIRV is more powerful. How art thissa a-being a-possible-a? After all, the Fat Man shoots a NUKE. Hint: Shotgun rain with radioactive properties.

This is no mere shotgun that fires a petty 3, 4, 5, 6, or 3.1415926535… bullets. No. This fires 1 WHOLE MINI-NUKE.

…Of course, we were talking about the Fat Man back there. The MIRV shoots 8 nukes. HECK YEAH. You have like a 50% percent chance of killing yourself every time you fire the [PROFANITY]ing weapon, just because of splash. Awesome sauce is awesome, shotguns, and Experimental MIRVs. I’m sure the only thing it CAN’T take out in one shot is Liberty Prime >.>

Number 1


Dramatic pause

Imperial March music here

Number 1: The Smash Ball (Super Smash Bros. Brawl; Wii)

Yes, you’re prolly thinking about how a glowy orb not much bigger than Sonic’s oversized, bobblehead-esque head can be better than

  • The Rock-It Launcher (#10)
  • The Last Word Spellcards (#9)
  • Mario’s Boots (#8) (These might have been higher up if not for the fact that they didn’t have spikes)
  • The Seeker (#7)
  • The Kasimov SNV-E99 (#6)
  • The Chandelier of Awesome (#5) (Also want spikes for this one)
  • The Portal Gun (#4)
  • The Black Hole Generator
  • The Experimental MIRV

But it is. Because it’s

  • A pair of gloves with magic pixie dust (Mario)
  • A forcefield (Luigi)
  • A pair of drums (Donkey Kong)
  • Three tanks (Fox, Falco, Wolf)
  • A electric field of hell (Pikachu)
  • An upgraded laser cannon (Samus)
  • Poke-Steroids (Short-Term) (Jigglypuff)
  • Mutation (Temporary) (Ganondorf)
  • Power Level Over 9000-ers (Lucario)
  • A Jetpack (Diddy Kong)
  • Dragon Drugs (Yoshi)
  • A racing vehicle (Blue Falcon, GO!) (Capt. Falcon)
  • A mob (King Dedede)
  • A suit of armour (Zero Suit Samus)
  • More Steroids (Longer Lasting!) (Bowser)
  • A set of ink blobs (Mr. Game and Watch)
  • A critical hit (Marth)
  • A flaming sword (Ike)
  • A Helicopter (AC 130?) with a Grenade Launcher (Snake)
  • A Pokemon Rare Candy Bundle (three quintillion, ten quadrillion, three hundred eighty five trillion, twenty-eight billion, four hundred ninety-five million, eight hundred seventy-four thousand seven hundred fifty-one Rare Candies rolled into one! *Temporary Effects) (Pokemon Trainer)
  • Two Bows with A Light Arrow For Each One (Zelda and Sheik)
  • A rocket ship (Olimar)
  • 7 “Chaos Emeralds” (Sonic, you jerk)

Etc, etc. Course, them’s not the REAL names, but STILL.

I mean, that thing is all of those things. Most notably the tanks.]

And that is an incentive of awesome.


HELL-O: (Hourai’s Evil List of Lethargy on O-New) Awesome Weapons in Games Part 3

A highly flawed list; Part 3

Number 5: The Chandelier (You Have To Burn The Rope; PC (Flash))

What: A chandelier. Yellow. Has candles. One Hit KO’s all enemies*.

How: A relative of Mario’s shoes. Unleash the power** of this weapon through the obtaining of an unknown*** tube-like object of dark beige hue with Oxygen wasting properties****. In addition to acquiring the sacred***** object of power**, another mysterious requirement must be fulfilled before the absolute, deadly surge of power from this annihilator. Many efforts from renowned****** archaeologists have merited the discovery of a cryptic message detailing supposedly detailing the wonders of this weapon of mass destruction. Advanced******* expert******** cryptologists********* are hard at work, striving to decode the language of this message. Theories of how the Chandelier works********** have arisen recently with the finding of the message.

Why: Credits song is better than Still Alive.

*: Or enemy. **: Damage currently undefined. Order now! ***: The fire on the wall. ****: The torch which the fire on the wall is on. *****: Only sacred to worshippers of Chandelierism. ******: Not necessarily renowned. *******: Not necessarily advanced. ********: Not necessarily experts. *********: A.k.a potheads. **********: Gravity.

Number 4: The… (Uh…) Whatchamacallit… Thingamajig…? (Portal; XBox 360)

Er… what was it called again? Ummm… (*checks Google*)

What: The WCMCITAMJ, better known as the ASHPD, from the [handspasm]AKJFGHALFGUHAFVB A8G8RG;afaY8EWAGRY ARSDGU9430T GA9ERI;df’aGF IJVAHJJBVDAFN[>.<]VIDAJOSJDIVADH[/handspasm]science laboratory*, is able to make wormholes from here to there. While not exactly able to (gore-filled moment with livid description), it has proven among the best in destroying cameras**.

How: Shenanigans. Hacks. No idea.

Why: You can teleport with this thing. If you had a knife, you could just portal behind your target and start shanking. Also, you can pick up really heavy cubes with this thing.

*: Aperture Science Laboratories. **: There’s an XBox achievement for destroying every camera on every level. A camera gets destroyed by being shot by one of your portals.

Still more s**t is a-coming.