In this post, we will talk about: the Aniblog Tourney, the Antiblog Tourney, the Ant-Blog Tourney, the Aniblog Tore-Knee, the Aniblog Tour (NE), An Eye Blog Tourney, An Eyeball Tourney, and other related concepts. Also: Gangsta.
Aunt Eyeball’s Torn Knee»
Yes, I know. The pun doesn’t even make sense, because y’know, it’s actually May 6th right now and I’m lying to you guys about this post date. But guess what, O-New TRANSCENDS time and space, and I can post bad puns ANYWHERE, ANYTIME I want to. DEAL WITH IT
In this post which is not about anime nor manga and is instead about the life of the most boring person to ever walk the earth, I will talk about:
- May the Fourth
- How I’ve Only Watched the First Episode of Star Wars
- Dropbox Contests
- Cinco de Mayo
- Birthday Presents
- How I’m Not a Nerd Because I Don’t Play Video Games
- How I Learned to Love the Aniblog Tourney
- Flower Pictures
- Your Face
- Outdoor Track Meets
- Your Mother’s Face
Rest assured, I will touch upon every single one of those topics, and in that order!!
Yes, I will also touch your mother’s face»
Before you accuse me of depraved intentions, no, this is not a post dissecting the many features of the female form. Instead, it is a post about Hourou Musuko, femininity, masculinity, and gender roles in a society where a boy is not a boy and a girl is not a girl. Except when they are, of course. Now, you know that I can’t tackle serious issues like this, so I hope you guys will comment and actually discuss, y’know, real stuff, and not the shit I put into my posts. My newfound popularity (?) after a spectacular loss to Shameful Otaku Secret ought to promote this discussion. OUGHT TO.
That boy is actually SPINACH»
Well, guys, it’s time for one last rally up at the Aniblog Tourney. Shameful Otaku Secret is GOING DOWN~!!
How? THE BEST FUCKING SLAM POST IN THE HISTORY OF THE TOURNEY. And last tourney. And last last tourney, but that didn’t even happen.
But speeding is illegal»
An exquisite corpse is the pinnacle of pretention. Pretending that people perceive patterns they can’t even penetrate without FAILING their alliteration practices. This has nothing to do with anything; yet, even this ~horrible~ post will be preserved. I mean, what even is our society’s deep fixation on preserving historical documents? “We shall digitize them,” said Alex while discussing the benefits of Amazon’s Kindle. “Take a packet of gum for instance. What’s your favorite brand?” – “I can’t say I have any. I hardly chew gum.” – “So, that is to say, your breath hardly kicks?” Jehneefah didn’t know how to reply to [NOBODY KNOWS WHAT FILLS THIS VOID] that although us people are weird and insane, we can actually be quite reasonable. In fact it is often the weirdest and insane people that are the same time the most logical. Actually, we, who are actually the worst sort of people ever, can be civilized when it is necessary.
Yet, is civilization even necessary? Our society is founded on ancient principles (and old principals, of schools, y’know) that are purposeless today. They’re also PORPOISE-LESS, as principles (and principals) aren’t cool enough to own porpoises. We’re trapped in a deep misrepresentation of irrelevant customs that suppress modernity, preserved from times. “The New York Times,” said Alex as he waived around his Kindle like an ignorant prick. “Look, this device only cost 99 dollars. I think you should buy one.” “And not gum?” “And not gum” Jehneefah let out a big sigh, took out his credit card, and made his purchase. [NOT ONE APPRAISES THAT WHICH ENCOMPASSES THE AFOREMENTIONED’S NIHILITY] energy of the surrounding briefish air to transform him into an elegand man! And once he becomes an elegand man, how elegant! Maybe it was an England man that it was meant to be, but in fact it was elegand! I would like to talk about England instead. Wow, England. What a cool guy. I think that it is quite cool. Très cool.
We’re losing pretty badly.
But not all hope is lost. Indeed, Operation Lose 0% – 100% Against Shameful Otaku Secret is no longer a possibility, as Polldaddy doesn’t even let me change my vote from a misclicked Shameful Otaku Secret to O-New, even though we are totally the more QUALITY blog. You could even say, ‘the moe quality blog’, except you can’t because we’re not moe.
There is still an incentive to vote for O-New. After a losing start with 16 votes to 0 (one of those votes was me), we gradually climbed up until eventually reaching the 30% – 70% we have at the moment (it sure would be interesting seeing a graph of our progress). Imagine how cool it would be if O-New actually BEATS Shameful Otaku Secret! It’d be the greatest Tortoise vs. Hare match in the HISTORY of the Aniblog Tournament! But that’s not incentive enough.
So. We’re upping the ante. Except not really since there’s really nothing hanging on the line at all. On that note, do check out the ~updated~ Aniblog Betting iFAQ (which is like a FAQ but it’s made by Apple, not Microsoft). Now, off that note…
If we win against Shameful Otaku Secret, I will personally allow them to write a post about anything they fucking want to on O-New. Furthermore, I will draw fanart on whatever they want me to draw, as well as an obligatory O-REW to their ugly little blog. I mean, sure, I know, O-New’s design sucks (you’ll notice that our design will rapidly change within the course of the next few hours; this is also another tactic in our ongoing battle to appeal to the masses!), but look at their design! It’s actually even… uh… well actually it looks pretty good. Hot damn, I wish I could steal their design. :<
But wait! That’s not all. Do we look like we’re selling ourselves out? Well, we actually aren’t because only I’m selling myself out, and I’m only representative of 14.285714285714285714285714285714% of our writers. We will offer a free (not that I’ve ever made un-free ones) piano transcription of any anime song they want. Yes, granted, I suck at transcribing and I’ve only ever transcribed two songs, but WHATEVER, MAN. WHATEVER.
Yes, I realize that even they can’t really do anything if they wanted (haha! sometimes even I laugh at my own jokes) these things, since votes are immutable and fixed, but… at least we’re the most popular match. In fact, today, we’ve got three times the number of views we’ve got yesterday. Even if we lose, I still hope more people will read our ramblings~!
P.S. Not that our ramblings are particularly interesting or even half as humorously sarcastic as Shameful Otaku Secret’s
P.P.S. If this is a war of who can Emperor J better, I totally win; I mean, even he gets more comments than I nowadays D:
P.P.P.S. At least, if any average anime fans come around and are disgusted by Shameful Otaku Secret’s intelligently unintelligible language, they’ll choose O-New as the lesser of two evils. Sure, maybe we’re pretentious compared to, say, Reiseng (do vote for him, by the way!), but if pretentiousness were an animal, ours’d be ants compared to Shameful Otaku Secret’s GALAXIES of pretension
[Post-Post Edit: I suppose Operation Beat Otou-San has officially failed! We don’t even have a chance at winning anymore. Oh well, vote for us anyways, you know you want to. We’re not otou-sans. I think that’s reason enough to vote for us! (ok, so maybe it isn’t, whatever)]
Hello, friends, strangers, enemies, comrades. Primarily strangers.
Welcome to O-New. The home of Aniblog Betting (which you should definitely join if you haven’t already).
You are no doubt here for the Second Aniblog Tourney, and as to not delay your time, this post shall be as swift as the lightning following a cat. For the record, a) lightning does not follow cats b) lightning that does follow cats would necessarily be slower than the cat c) cats are slow. Sorry about that. Or, as they say on Saturn, ‘Sorry about cat!’
O-New has three main defining points that make O-New O-New.
(Alternate Title: Staking Chances on a Competition of Senseless Animation Vituperations, Organized by a Naïvely Egotistical Writer, Part Two)
(Alternative Title: Wow, Look at This Super Cool Temporary Theme I Will Be Using for the Duration of this Tournament Because Otherwise, I’d Lose to Otou-san & Co. Near-Instantly)
I chose not to go with the alternate title since a) ANIBLOG BETTING literally screams at you and I would literally scream at you in real life b) the alternate title is too long c) I already have a post called that d) ANIBLOG BETTING just sounds cooler. Also, ANIBLOG BETTING could be an acronym for ‘A Nice Italian Bakery Loses Our Gold, Because Eating Their Taiyaki Is Not Gratifying’. Sure that doesn’t have anything to do with ANIBLOG BETTING but it DOES, because ‘A Nice Italian Bakery Loses Our Gold, Because Eating Their Taiyaki Is Not Gratifying’ can be shortened to ANIBLOG BETTING.
BUT WAIT! Surely there must be some reward for winning this that isn’t just pride. And indeed there is! The first place winner will receive the chance to write one (1) COMPLETELY UNEDITED post on O-New, a post that I won’t even read before publishing. In it, you can write ANYTHING YOU WANT, embed ANYTHING YOU WANT (as long as it’s not hardcore porn), and generally yeah, do whatever you want. You can talk about how Mushyrulez really sucks. You can write about that super cool hentai anime you just watched (but take notice: O-New is currently a child-friendly blog!). You can show us just how horrible this entire idea is.
BUT WAIT! That’s not all! Do I sound like an annoying TV advertiser yet? If yes, GREAT because that’s who I’m going to be. The first place winner will ALSO receive a FREE O-REW, free of charge. Completely free. Not like there are such things as paid O-REWs, anyways.
BUT WAIT! That’s not all! You will also receive a complimentary DRAWING of ANYTHING YOU WANT (but take notice: if you tell me to draw porn, I’ll draw prawn instead)! The second place winner will receive an O-REW and a complimentary drawing, and the third place winner will receive either an O-REW or a complimentary drawing. Of course, if you don’t want any of these, just tell me, but if you do… YOU BETTER PARTICIPATE, and SPREAD THE WORD so that you can actually bet with people you actually know!!
Observe: THE FINAL BRACKET of the Tourney, which contains all the MATCHES for ANIBLOG TOURNING!!!!
Observe: THIS ORIGINAL POST, which contains all the RULES for ANIBLOG BETTING!!!
Observe: A LIST OF PARTICIPANTS, which contains all the PARTICIPANTS for ANIBLOG BETTING!!
Observe: Oh right, I have to write that list! Here it is (ordered REVERSE-ALPHABETICALLY because we’re hipster like that):
The Aniblog Tourney.
Surely you have all heard about it.
Guess what we’re going to do?
We’re going to bet.
We’re going to bet on the Aniblog Tourney. Yes, we’re going to be Staking Chances on a Competition of Senseless Animation Vituperations, Organized by a Naïvely Egotistical Writer. And that’s me. I’ll organize this SCCSAV:O-NEW. All you guys have to do is bet.
Always bet on JP (Hinano)»