Sword Farts Online
A nested loop of dubious quality and dubious nestedness, by Mushyrulez
Mackenzie Ulysses Svetlana Harjot Zdrojkowski, seated comfortably behind a large mahogany table with his legs crossed on top of it, looked up from his erotic volume – if you know what I mean.
What I mean is, he paused his reading of Sword Art Online Chapter 16.5 for two main reasons. Firstly, the work was so depressingly vapid that he couldn’t help but kick it into the incinerator conveniently glued to the ceiling, raining ashes, infernos, and fiery hell onto the poor individual underneath. Secondly, the poor individual underneath the incinerator was so distressingly constipated that he couldn’t help but ogle at the poor member, if you know what I mean.
“I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU MEAN!” shouted the constipated Christian Felix Clean to the unassuming narrator sitting in the corner, talking with a monotone voice in the third person. “GET OUT OF MY FUCKING OFFICE!”
Tune in next episode for the exciting adventures of fart»
As part of a livewatch with The Classiest Anime, I skimmed the first two episodes of Kyoukai Senjou no Horizon II: Horizon in the Middle of Nowhere (II).
I say ‘skimmed’ and not ‘watched’ because frankly, the incessant chatter and my unceasingly annoying textual quips stole my attention away from the action on-screen. 80% of the blame is on me here for being annoyed by myself and annoying others with my typing. 20% of the blame goes to my parents, who parked their asses right behind my monitor and stared at it for a good ten minutes. I was not so disposed as to enlighten them to the masterpiece that is Horizon, and thus ‘watched’ half of the episode blind à la Gosick 12.
Furthermore, I arrived at the livewatch late. Forty minutes late. Thus, I missed the entirety of the first episode. In fact, I am writing this post having seen none of the first episode, having seen ten minutes of the second, and being constantly distracted on top of that.
Hurry, ZUN, indies meddle your sold wares»
Words Are Unlined
A NSFW fapfic, by Mushyrulez
GOOD MORNING AGENT MACKENZIE ULYSSES SVETLANA HARJOT ZDROJKOWSKI STOP
WE HAVE RECEIVED REPORTS OF AN ENORMOUS FIVE HUNDRED POUND NECKBEARD LOSER LIVING IN HIS PARENTS BASEMENT STOP HOWEVER IT IS NOT HIS SUPERFLUITY THAT IRKS US IT IS THE HORRID FANFICTION THAT HE HAS WRITTEN THAT HAS INFECTED THE HEARTS AND MINDS OF CORRUPT JAPANESE SCHOOLGIRLS WORLDWIDE STOP AND BY WORLDWIDE I MEAN IN JAPAN STOP
THANKFULLY WE HAVE ALREADY ISSUED A RESTRAINING ORDER ON HIM INTENDED TO PROHIBIT THE CONTINUED PROPAGATION OF HIS GLOPPING PROSE STOP THESE RESTRAINING ORDERS PROHIBIT HIM FROM APPROACHING WITHIN THREE METRES OF ANY TYPEWRITER OR LINED PAPER OR ANY OTHER FORM OF ELECTRONIC OR ERECTRONIC DEVICE THAT MAY ENCOURAGE HIS WRITING STOP
THUS YOUR MISSION SHOULD YOU CHOOSE TO ACCEPT IT IS TO STOP HIM FROM WRITING THIS INSIPID FICTION IMMEDIATELY BY SPYING ON HIS PREMISES AND PROMPTLY ARRESTING HIM SHOULD YOU OBSERVE HIS INFRINGEMENT OF THE AFOREMENTIONED RESTRAINING ORDER STOP
AS ALWAYS SHOULD YOU OR ANY MEMBER OF YOUR IM FORCE BE CAUGHT OR KILLED THE SECRET ARES WILL EAT DONUTS WHILE LAUGHING ABOUT THE UNITED STATES NATIONAL DEBT STOP YOUR COMPUTER WILL SELF DESTRUCT IN FIVE SECONDS STOP GOOD LUCK AGENT MACKENZIE ULYSSES SVETLANA HARJOT ZDROJKOWSKI STOP
“Woah, what the well, man?!” screamed Agent Mackenzie Ulysses Svetlana Harjot Zdrojkowski incredulously at his computer monitor. “This computer stores the entire collection of the world’s CP!! What would happen to the economy if it were destroyed?! Wait… how can this self-destruct if this is a telegram delivered by mail? I mean, I just received the package from the mailman, and there’s nothing ins-”
That’s supposed to be an explosion»
“Yuru Yuri TOOT-TOOT~”
Words Are Online
A short story, by Mushyrulez
It was a light and sunny day. Birds chirped in the background, tweeters tweeted in Starbucks, and construction workers spread their filth throughout the great city, verdant with colour and mud and Indian curry. Mackenzie Ulysses Svetlana Harjot Zdrojkowski sat morosely in front of his computer, sulking while sucking on a lollipop. Unfortunately, even the poor lollipop recognized Mackenzie Ulysses Svetlana Harjot Zdrojkowski’s suckiness, and proceeded to fall gracefully from his lips like a bulldozer as he gaped in shock at the title plastered in front of his computer in bright, glaring Comic Sans MS.
“Dot Hack Slash Slash… Ragnarok Online?”
‘Maplestory’ is taboo at O-New»
You know how our season previews go. There’s a basic formula to all of them. First, a summary, then a picture, then a disclaimer talking about how I stole all this information from other blogs, and then the actual post, written by me, Mushyrulez, all by myself.
WELL GUESS WHAT?! WE’RE SWITCHING THINGS UP A BIT THIS YEAR. How?
Firstly, there WON’T BE A PICTURE after a summary which is this summary which is this sentence and the sentences immediately before and after this. In fact, THERE MAY NOT BE ANY PICTURES AT ALL!!!
Secondly, there WON’T BE A DISCLAIMER after a picture because, wow, we’ve actually done NO research this time!! That means no embedded chart, no witty quips, no snide references to MAL, no NOTHING AT ALL. Since there’s something. You can’t have nothing if you have something, which is why we don’t have nothing. In fact, this new preview is so much worse than older previews that we recommend you just read the older ones instead!!
Thirdly, there WON’T BE ANY TRAILER LINKS because we’re too lazy to go search them up for you!! I know, simply horrible, right? WRONG, because it takes you lazy ducks all of ten seconds to go search ‘generic fanservice shit anime #101 trailer’ on YouTube while it takes us thirty to embed said trailer onto our page. No, we’re not being hypocritical, we’re being hyper-critical. Of your laziness.
Finally, we’re not going to spend thirty million hours writing this post and adding stupid ‘potential’ ratings so that we can publish it before we’re ten weeks into the season.
Thirty hours is enough.
Proud hosters of the thirty-hour Fanime»
And it ends.
I was about to post a 4000-word essay about Marika’s callous disregard of ancient Sea of the Morningstar culture, or about the failings of electronics and androids in a post-FTL-drive universe, or about the political drive for mercenary coalitions to protect Marika’s Letter of Marque, or about the inherent hypocrisy and ironic stupidity in Mouretsu Pirates’s anime execution, and then I realized…
..since this is the last episode, this is my last chance to talk about Mouretsu Pirates.
So why not talk about everything? No, that doesn’t mean I’ll post a 16000-word post (read my winter anime previews for a 12000-word post). Instead… what about a story?
It was a dark and stormy night. Unnamed-director-of-More-Sue-Pirates-who-is-most-definitely-not-Sato-Tatsuo-because-Sato-Tatsuo-directed-Mouretsu-Pirates, who shall hereafter be referred to as ‘Mackenzie Ulysses Svetlana Harjot Zdrojkowski’ to conserve space, lay dead at his desk. The television set behind him flickered feebly, rings of static fuzzing the display as a shrill voice cried imperceptibly the onset of the fourteenth episode of Mouretsu Pirates:
“It’s time for some piracy!”
The assassin looked over his work, but thought it ill-advised to continue deliberation. Shoving his fat ass through the open window, he sneaked off noisily in the night. In his sneakers.
The joke is that Barbaloosa is a loser. Then I realized that wasn’t much of a joke but I couldn’t be arsed to re-rewatch the episode. This caption has been expertly placed as stark contrast to the preceding paragraph.
Your mom’s a mooser»
Welcome back to another bout of bad Engrish soramimi! Why do I say ‘bad Engrish soramimi’? Because the singer’s Engrish is bad, its inherent badness is Engrish, and my soramimi isn’t actual soramimi, it’s just a bad mondegreen. Why is it a bad mondegreen? Because the singer’s Engrish is bad.
But how can the singer’s Engrish be bad? ‘Call Me Maybe’ is an English song, sung by an English singer, right?
No, we’re not talking about ‘Call Me Maybe’… we’re talking about ‘Call Me Later’, a 1970s R&B song by FOXY.
Wait actually no that’s in English too wait that’s not right
It’s in bad Engrish when played backwards»
First of all, let me make things clear.
You guys all suck.
Nobody has joined my quest to enlighten the world of the true nature of ~sunglasses~.
Do not worry. I will return next season, stronger than ever, with more sun and more glasses and more tsu pirates. Actually, lesstsu pirates because Mouretsu Pirates is ending next episode. I can’t let this chance slip away, so I will use this post to finally persuade all you ignorant plebeians of the wondrous abilities of ~sunglasses~.
Today, I will be having a good ol’ fashioned healthy friendly Skype chat with my good pal @NanoPulp. It may or may not be about Mouretsu Pirates, and I may or may not sound absolutely retarded. P.S. All these images are either a) ironic b) related to the discussion or c) dick jokes.
[10:29:49] NanoPulp: wait
[10:29:50] Mushyrulez: retsu
[10:30:00] NanoPulp: I CAN’T ENJOY IRONY?
[10:30:03] NanoPulp: BUT I LOVE IRONY
[10:30:04] NanoPulp: WHYYY
[10:30:06] NanoPulp: WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
[10:30:09] NanoPulp: I LOVE IRONY
[10:30:10] Mushyrulez: I love irony too
[10:30:15] NanoPulp: ok great
[10:30:16] Mushyrulez: that’s why mouretsu pirates is a pretty darn good show
[10:30:18] NanoPulp: we love moeretsu
[10:30:19] NanoPulp: done
[10:30:22] NanoPulp: :3
[10:30:23] Mushyrulez: :(
[10:30:28] Mushyrulez: no, today I will explain to you why
[10:30:29] Mushyrulez: MOURETSU PIRATES
[10:30:32] Mushyrulez: is IRONIC and thus GOOD
Note: this picture is EYE-ronic because a skull’s eyes are already HOLES ha ha haaaaaaaa
You’ve seen me writing about Mouretsu Pirates the past few days. Actually, hopefully you haven’t, because this post was actually published on June 14th, 2012 and totally not June 20th because why would I publish a post that’s already been published?? It doesn’t make any logical sense! :o
Anyways, hopefully, you haven’t seen me writing about Mouretsu Pirates the past few days. This is because I did not write manga posts the past few weeks, and if you saw me, it would be writing an anime post. And that’s creepy regardless if you’re a O-New subscriber or not, for if you are, this blog is creepy, and if you aren’t, you ought to go drown yourself in a well off the coast of Finland. Bloggers. (psssssst click the link to understand this ~inside joke~ that’s not even a joke)
Regardless of whether you have or haven’t seen me writing about Mouretsu Pirates the past few days, there is no doubt that Master Chef is undoubtedly and indubitably radical squint
Squint those eyebrows»
I never fully understood fanservice until I watched Mysterious Girlfriend X episode nine.
Mysterious Girlfriend X has a persistent theme of fetish. The show starts with a fetish for saliva, as everyone knows by now. It doesn’t stop there, though. The show explores exhibitionism, secret love, clothes fetishes, some light BDSM themes, sweat, and tan lines. Episode 9 is about hair. That’s what finally got me.
You’ve seen me moping about being sick the past few days. Actually, hopefully you haven’t, because this post was actually published on June 7th, 2012 and totally not June 18th because why would I publish a post that’s already been published?? It doesn’t make any logical sense! :o
Anyways, hopefully, you haven’t seen me moping about being sick the past few days. This is because I did not go to school the past few days, and if you saw me, it would be within the confines of my own home. And that’s creepy regardless if you’re a family member or not, for if you are, this blog is creepy, and if you aren’t, you are creepy. Stalkers. (psssssst click the link to understand this ~inside joke~ that’s not even a joke)
Regardless of whether you have or haven’t seen me moping about being sick or not the past few days, there is no doubt that Show is undoubtedly and indubitably radical sick
A guest post by @redball of shinda akachan, reprinted on O-New with his permission.
Sankarea has two recurring themes. The first, on the surface, is the theme of zombie obsession, and thus an obsession with death. The second is easily overlooked, but the theme of hypocrisy is pervasive.
Now I have to give credit to twitter. I think it was Captain L.B.C. who first pointed out the hypocrisy in Sankarea, noting that the main villain in the series is guilty of the same crime as the series itself. Both Rea’s father and the viewer ogle and objectify Rea via his risque photographs of her. He goes to the utmost extremes, with a shrine to his daughter’s nude form and later bath scenes with the photos strewn about. Yet, the viewer is presented with many of these same images. What, if not fanservice is the purpose of this?
At first I did not notice this hypocrisy. I figured the series was trying, without much tact, to show the depths of the father’s depravity. I won’t claim to be above fanservice, but I didn’t take that as a presentation thereof. However, once this alternative view was presented I watched with a more critical eye and realized that it is correct. The series is quite hypocritical in this regard and it does objectify and sexualize Rea much the same as her father.
In moètsu Pirates Episode 21: the DINGHY SPACE LEAGE [sic] outwits the Biscuit Company.
P.S. That girl is the moè-est girl in the entire show. FUCK YOU NANOPULP, DROWN IN A WELL OFF THE COAST OF FINLAND
I have literally never seen a cooler spaceship.
The pun is because out in space, everything is cold. Unless you’re next to a star. In which case it would be unbearably hot.
The pun is because out in space, bears
The actual posts are here (a post that compares Mouretsu Pirates to Avengers), here (an image that compares bread to coolest spaceships), and here (a post that talks about Sentai Filmworks licensing Mouretsu Pirates).
As a certain bunny would say, ‘That’s all, ignorant plebeians who just don’t understand how awesome sunglasses are.’
That’s right. Take the capital letters of that title, and what do you get?
Wait, no, that’s not right. That sounds too much like ‘K-On’ to be on a blog like O-New, which is entirely safe-for-moè-haters and quite dangerous to moè. Take out the N, O-New’s supposed to be Onew anyways (but it isn’t, because Onew sucks.)
…Oh snap. Time for an editorial post.
Mouretsu Pirates isn’t anime!»
There’s been few O-New posts lately.
So what’s a guy to do? Well, if you’re a high school student whose prior total literary experience has blogging a really crappy show about vapid braindead high school teenagers, there’s really only one moral dilemma that has to be resolved: are bloggers allowed to wear really short mini-skirts? Get ready for internetwork buccaneering unlike any you’ve ever seen before as the posts get delayed by laziness, boredom, and the sexiest words ever in BODACIOUS SPACE BLOGGERS!
…well, sorry, because a) that was the actual post b) Mouretsu Pirates is neither sexy nor bodacious c) my words are never sexy and d) this won’t be a Mouretsu Pirates post and e) this dearth of posts is due to various factors in my life such as nothing, laziness, nothing, laziness, and some Chinese school talent show competition that I’m apparently participating in. It is also due to various factors in my laziness such as reading this hyper-cool webcomic (that is literally hyper cool and avoids all tropes like the plague, the poop, and the protagonist) and this super-cool webcomic (that is literally super cool and avoids all Touhou canon like the poison, the pee, and the principal).
Imagine a poisoned poop cannon»
It’s weird to see Hibito’s thoughts and not follow up on them too much. The shift in perspective was for convenience of narration and I’m not sure whether it was a good move.
Anyway, really heartwarming and such. Shows that selection processes still can be fair, that the world is still forgiving and understanding.