O-New: Now Extinct Website

Posts tagged “Arts

Stars Jingling

RESTARTING O-NEW IN THE MIDDLE OF THREE SCHOOL PROJECTS WAS NOT A GOOD IDEA

But I shall persevere! Caught up to Maou (just need to pull up the posts) and hopefully I’m back in the Musical Monday mood. But for now, posts will be approximately this long, lest I spend more effort on O-New than on school!!


A Slice of Life, A Slice of Pi

Life of Pi was a pretty recent film. It’s about the life of a boy, Pi. You may have heard about it; it won the most (four) Academy Awards in 2012. You may have watched it. Don’t worry, there’s no spoilers in this post. Or perhaps there is, if you’re planning to see the film; but if you haven’t yet, there’s a good chance you won’t. The spoilers don’t really spoil anything, since this essay isn’t about Life of Pi, and Life of Pi isn’t about its plot

It’s about its meaning.

I always thought that Life of Pi’s ending was a religious statement—just like believers, the novelist had to have faith in Pi, that his story was true. Although reason and psychology may steer one to believe otherwise, faith transcends both. People who value ‘order’ will automatically believe in the metaphoric story with ‘real’ humans—this denies a whole range of fantastic (in a bad way) possibilities, showing logic’s corrupting influence over the flexibility of faith. Furthermore, faith is unique to each person, as are meanings (interpretations!).

Yet, few seemed to agree. Most posts online simply followed the novelist’s connect-the-dots from ‘actual humans’ to their ‘animal representations’. So too did I think, but something was off, it was too obvious. I mean, in the film itself, the novelist explicitly STATES all of these connections! What kind of serious literary work TELLS you its meaning?

Ah.

That exposes a preconception in our minds: that serious literary works’ meanings are to be found and not given. This is the notion that leads to ‘overanalysis’, when we ‘think too hard’ about something which has an ‘obvious meaning’.

But how do we find this meaning when nobody agrees? Does one meaning to any literary work actually exist? Do any meanings exist at all?

It’s late, but it’s still Tuesday. Any thoughts?


Kirby Transcriptions

Here’s a transcription of a Kirby song (I’ve been transcribing lots of Kirby songs!). It’s what happens when you eat spicy curry. I’d accelerate it 800% but after several months of inactivity my fingers would probably fall off. EXCEPT THEY CAN’T CAUSE IT’S SPRING so they’d probably spring off, which is just as bad.

:(

But I’m coming back to posting now, and this post proves it.

JUST KIDDING HAPPY APRIL FOOLS. Oh, it’s not April Fools anymore? Now what…


Interpretation Over Overanalysis

[Overanalysis Over Analysis was my original title, but it makes no sense. Neither does the current one, but dagnabbit I’m putting that over in somehow.]

What is overanalysis? Why do people hate it so?

To answer that, we’ll first need to figure out what we’re really talking about: literary analysis, which isn’t really quite ‘analysis’. Then, we’ll try to bridge the gap between analyses and opinions, which really aren’t too far apart. Finally, we’ll see if said hate actually exists, and then if it’s warranted, which really something really. Finally (part two), we’ll move into the realm of the ~IMAGINARY~ so I can stop saying really imaginary really imaginary really. Seriously.

—————

I recently wrote several scathing posts on overanalysis being a BAD thing because it was over analysis, I was analysis, and I didn’t like having things be over me. Those posts are devoid of content because they’re me blowing off steam after reading some dumb analyses (being too cowardly to directly reply).

Then, syncoroll made me realize just what ‘analysis’ is: that is to say, I didn’t actually KNOW what analysis was.

To the Dictionary.com!

analysis:
1. the separating of any material or abstract entity into its constituent elements
2. this process as a method of studying the nature of something or of determining its essential features and their relations

In other words, completely unlike my (by extension, ‘our’, assuming you’re also an uneducated boor) conception of literary analysis. When we talk about ‘overanalysis’, we’re talking about splitting a holistic piece into too many pieces, which are like whole pieces except 1. they’re different definitions of ‘piece’ and 2. it’s unholistic, which means it’s ETERNALLY DAMNED

Maybe we’ll talk about actual analysis later. My wrongful understanding of literary analysis seems to have a different word for it:

interpret:
1. to give or provide the meaning of; explain; explicate; elucidate
2. to construe or understand in a particular way

That’s it! When we talk about analyses, we’re generally talking about INTERPRETATIONS! Maybe I’ll analyse analyses later but interpretations is what we want to focus on. (Or maybe my lack of recent literary participation has backwatered me.)

—————

Meaning is different to each of us. We were all born and raised (or born and lowered, if for example you were born on the peak of a howling mountain and your maturation occurred alongside a eighteen-year trek to the bottom) in different environments, and our perspectives are all incomparable.

How can we tell?

We look at our opinions—the thoughts we think when we experience something (LOVE IS JUST AN OPINI-), such as watching a movie. People have different opinions on its quality (or its QUALITY), for different reasons—many which only make sense to one person’s unique mindset. Case in point: I really liked watching The Sacred Star of Milos (even though I’ve never watched Brotherhood) because the background faces were too QUALITY and all dialogue scenes were still frames with hilariously wide-open mouths. OK, THEY WERE HILARIOUS TO ME I’M ENTITLED TO MY OWN OPINION SECOND AMENDMENT BLAH BLAH BLAH. also i have a gun

What happens when you try to explain your opinion to someone else? Well, you show them your reasons and hope they understand. Usually, they won’t accept your entire argument—because certain reasons are only valid to some people!—but they might understand some of it.

What happens when you write down your explanation to show someone else?

Well, don’t we now have an interpretation? In fact, everything from the beginning was an interpretation—ALL YOUR OPINIONS are simply your UNIQUE WAY of INTERPRETING external data, and tautologically, ALL INTERPRETATIONS are simply the author’s OPINION.

—————

Many people hate ‘overanalysis’ because it’s TOO analysis for them (that’s what over- means). How can something be too analysis for someone? Why has my grammar degraded faster than a slope being flattened by a steamroller? The joke is that before flattening, said slope had a grade, but post-flattening, it doesn’t; thus the grade was removed and the slope DEGRADED and now you just made me RUIN my OWN JOKE!!! Now it’s SUPERFLAT!!!!11!1 sorry

Analyses are just interpretations, which are just opinions, right? (Right.) Can an opinion be ‘too much’?

Yes, they can. Consider a staunch individualist Republican presented with three alternative economies: laissez-faire capitalism, the welfare state, and flat-out communism. Laissez-faire capitalism is acceptable, because he agrees with the OPINION; a welfare state is pretty bad, because he disagrees; flat-out communism is TOO bad because he REAAAAAAAAAAALLY disagrees. No imaginary disagreeing here.

Now (we’re gradually sliding closer to disagreeing about analyses), consider a not-deaf/not-dead Beethoven presented with three different interpretations of his 9th symphony: one by the Cityville Philharmonic Orchestra (no, don’t search that up), one arranged by Liszt for solo piano, and one sung by Justin Bieber over loud dubstep. The Cityville Philharmonic Orchestra is acceptable, because Beethoven agrees with their INTERPRETATION (which is his own); Liszt’s is probably alright, because he doesn’t disagree; Justin Bieber’s dubstepmix is TOO bad because he REAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLY disagrees. Hopefully.

So opinions can be too much and interpretations can be too much.

Now consider a Guilty Crown fanatic surfing cross the ‘sphere presented with three different analyses: one praising Guilty Crown’s awesomeness, one praising Guilty Crown’s QUALITY, and one denouncing Guilty Crown’s lack of quality. The first is acceptable because he agrees with their analysis, which is just an interpretation, which is just their OPINION. The second is pretty bad, because he disagrees that Guilty Crown had QUALITY, and the last is TOO bad because he REAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLY disagrees.

Gosh that was long and unnecessary.

—————

tl;dr: the reason anyone thinks something is ‘overanalysing’ is because they DISAGREE with the author’s OPINION. In fact, all analyses are interpretations, which are just opinion; we don’t like analyses that don’t fit our own opinions.

I hope that clears things up, especially with the whole debate about ‘objective’ reviewing. At heart, all artistic commentary is pure opinion. Perhaps ALL communication is opinion, save truths by definition. Next up, we’ll publish up something about finding meaning in art through—that’s right—differing interpretations. That’s right, welcome to ~epistemology month~!


Sweet Like a Crow

[Remember this poetry post from thirty years ago? No? Well, neither do I, nor do I remember writing this post, but apparently it was half-finished and I guess I never hit publish? I’ll write a more eloquent post with an actual argument later.]

Here’s the second poem I chose to recite, ‘Sweet Like a Crow’.

What do you think of after reading this poem? If you’re tempted to give some lofty appeal about the pointlessness of reality and the audio escapism that postmodern music offers, stop right there.

It’s about the poet’s niece’s HORRIBLE singing.

my left hand has HORRIBLE signing»


An Introduction to Introduction to Poetry

As part of our (frankly non-existent) poetry unit, our English class chose a poem to either analyze or recite. It’s our first and final poetry assignment. Yes, the entire unit lasts a week. Anywho, not being a literary person myself, I chose the traditional method: recitation.

What poem? Well, our only options came from this site, Poetry in Voice. (I think it’s part of a communist conspiracy between teachers to create a fake monopoly on poems.) The first poem I chose/am choosing is entitled ‘Introduction to Poetry’. Click on that link to read it (it’s literally a hundred words long).

There’s a second poem I’m choosing as a backup in case anybody recites this first, and I’ll talk about its overanalysis in tomorrow’s essay. But today, I’d like to ask: what do you guys think about poetic analysis?

This poem is ironic in itself: it cautions against overanalysis, yet people are still overanalyzing it. For example, this first guest analysis is simply wonderful. Thank god we have Google to let me understand how “the American world failed, so his culture. America is now melting or returning to his mother europe to cry together, those days.”

(Really, that comment is worth a read. I think it might be a copypasta, though.)

But really, come on. Six pages of analysis. The prime suspect of overanalysis is lengthiness; poetry majors just don’t understand brevity! Consider said link’s first page. A terse summary could be: “Collins teaches poetry reading. Every line begins with a different word.”

Consider this analysis. Poetry analysis isn’t actually deep. It’s trying to flesh out the simplest concepts as tortuously as possible. What did you think when you read the poem? You thought, “Wow, this guy really is frustrated with his students’ overanalysis.” That’s all the link above writes, but with a thousand more words.

What would happen with briefer poetic analysis? Or less nitpicky ones (sometimes, alliteration and assonance are accidental, as in all my articles)?

On one hand, we have this attitude. On the other hand, prose is shorter than verse, and thus, poets actually do have to mull over every single word! But does that mean every single word has meaning?

Twitter shows that the opinions on this run the gamut, and I guess it’s a fitting (no, not really) topic to reignite O-New’s lagging literary impact. Thoughts?

P.S. Obligatory f-bomb-laced video with the same poem title.


The Common Hero: Elevating Expression, Words Transcendent

[Because my mind hasn’t yet adjusted to normal post-writing processes, here’s another school essay in lieu of contemplative anime analysis. It’s a comparison of James Joyce’s Ulysses (of which I’ve only read the first three chapters!) and Homer’s Odyssey, which our entire class read previously. After getting some flak for dissing Dr. Campbell last time, I wax lyrical over his ‘accomplishments’ now. This time, the word limit really is 1000 words, which I’ve once again filled completely…]

In 1949, comparative mythologist Joseph Campbell discovered a pattern in diverse cultural myths: the Hero’s Journey. The Hero’s Journey’s 17 stages encompass many mythological plot points, including Homer’s ancient epic, the Odyssey, and James Joyce’s modernist classic, Ulysses. While neither Telemachus nor Ulysses’s first protagonist Stephen Dedalus display heroic traits, their journeys still exemplify Campbell’s monomyth—a Hero’s Journey without a hero.

The Odyssey starts with Telemachus seeking information of his father. His house is overrun with rowdy suitors, and he feels powerless against them. He commences his own Hero’s Journey to find Odysseus. The main themes in the Telemachia are the suitors’ unwanted domestic occupation and Telemachus’s spiritual growth as he meets Nestor and Menelaus. When he returns, he has become a man.

Ulysses’s first part, also called the Telemachia, chronicles three hours of an ordinary, insignificant Dublin morning in 1904, as Dedalus contemplates life. Dedalus is an ordinary young man living with a ‘friend’ who insults his dead mother and snatches away the house key. The first chapter’s last line is “Usurper”; thus, Dedalus believes his ‘friend’ usurped his home (Joyce 35), like the suitors usurped Telemachus’s. He too embarks on a subdued ‘adventure’, meeting with his anti-Semitic employer, Deasy, and ruminating life along the beach. This parallels Telemachus’s fruitless meeting with Nestor and Proteus’s information about Odysseus. Deasy lectures that “a faithless wife first brought the strangers to our shore here, MacMurrough’s wife and her leman O’Rourke” (Joyce 53). Actually, MacMurrough abducted O’Rourke’s wife, preceding the Norman Invasion of Ireland (Braín 1152.6). Nestor’s reputation for wisdom, yet lack of useful information, corresponds to Deasy’s historical ignorance. Proteus’s shape-shifting represents change, so Joyce’s interior monologue narrative style constantly changes direction, yet illuminates Dedalus’s perspectives on life and regret over not accomplishing childhood dreams.

The Telemachia displays many early monomythic plot points. Telemachus’s Call to Adventure is Odysseus’s disappearance. Athena aids Telemachus by spurring him on; after reaching Pylos, he has Crossed the First Threshold into the unknown, away from the his home’s safety. The Telemachia ends here; later, Telemachus’s Belly of the Whale is the suitors’ ambush, and he Atones with his Father in Eumaeus’s hut. Odysseus’s adventure is more overtly monomythic, but Dedalus corresponds only to Telemachus.

Dedalus’s Call to Adventure is his ‘friend’ demanding drinking money and the house key, paralleling the suitors’ thankless cadgering. A milk woman indirectly spurs his journey by exacerbating Dedalus’s scorn of his ‘friend’; Campbell observes that “the milk woman is the role of Athena, who comes to Telemachus when he is 22 and tells him to go forth, find his father” (Campbell Disc 3). He Crosses the First Threshold after his meeting with the obtuse sexist Deasy, who gives Dedalus thick racist remarks and his salary. Finally, he enters the ‘unknown’: his own mind. To readers, this is shocking: few writers would illustrate natural human thought with natural—illogical—first-person topic transitions. Readers are truly venturing where no man has gone before.

The Odyssey’s monomythic scope is more obvious than Ulysses’s. Telemachus sets out on a voyage, and Odysseus wanders the wine-dark sea for a decade, encountering fantastic creatures. Telemachus is not a hero. He starts weak, irresolute, and naïve, but grows through his journey. However, the monomyth is about the story, not the character: protagonists can even be morally repugnant ‘villains’, their Ultimate Boon perhaps being world destruction, as long as they venture into the unknown and return with an Ultimate Boon. Thus, the Odyssey, as a monomyth, transcends the Hero’s Journey—it is a journey without a hero.

Ulysses lacks the Odyssey’s scope, merely detailing an ordinary Dublin day. However, as the Odyssey transcends the Hero’s Journey, so does Ulysses. Joyce’s writing elevates Dedalus’s thoughts to a godlike level; the sheer breadth and range of his interior monologue’s allusions equate his commonplace musings to an epic. He sees midwives carrying a misbirth, and ponders about an unending chain of navel cords, linking all humanity back to Adam and Eve: “Gaze in your omphalos. Hello. Kinch here. Put me on to Edenville. Aleph, alpha: nought, nought, one” (Joyce 57). This connection to the Genesis broadens his monologue’s temporal scope; a typical day on the beach and Dedalus has already alluded to all human history.

The grandiosity gradually decreases over the chapter. He broods on what could have been in his own past: “Remember your epiphanies on green oval leaves […]? Someone was to read them there after a few thousand years, a mahamanvantara […] You were going to do wonders, what?” (Joyce 61, 63). This shows his disgust with his past’s naïve optimism. Like all epics, the scope is first historical, and now personal. Eventually, reality overtakes his philosophical reverie, and his thoughts deal with the immediate: “My handkerchief. He threw it. I remember. Did I not take it up? […] He laid the dry snot picked from his nostril on a ledge of rock” (Joyce 76). This concludes the chapter, a tour de force from Eden to snot. Although the setting is a walk on the beach, Joyce’s purview transcends its humdrum nature: from molehill to mountain, from the mundane to the sublime.

Both Ulysses and its hypotext, the Odyssey, contain early monomythic plot points. The Odyssey transcends a Hero’s Journey because Telemachus is not heroic, yet his tale is still a monomyth. Ulysses transcends the monomyth because, although Dedalus’s ‘journey into the unknown’ is ordinary, Joyce’s interior monologue transforms his thoughts into a genuine adventure. Thus, both Ulysses and the Odyssey represent the monomyth.

It is only appropriate: Campbell, a Joyce scholar, borrowed the term ‘monomyth’ from Joyce’s Finnegan’s Wake. These two works, Ulysses and the Odyssey, stand as a testament to the monomyth’s ubiquity—so many works embody the monomyth that we learn nothing from cross-comparison! Joyce creates an oxymoron—a common hero, shaping the power of literary form into a medium of literary expression. Stephen Dedalus’s Hero’s Journey has no hero, has no journey; Joyce elevates the everyman to create a hero, his words transcendent.

Word Count: 1000 (not including title)

Works Cited:
Braín, Tigernach U. The Annals of Tigenach. Edit. Corráin, Donnchadh Ó. Cork: CELT: Corpus of Electronic Texts, 1996. Web.
Campbell, Joseph J. On the Wings of Art: Joseph Campbell on the Art of James Joyce. New York: Highbridge Audio, 1995. Audiobook.
Joyce, James A. A. Ulysses. London: Random House, 1992. Print.
Homer. The Odyssey. Trans. Robert Fagles. Toronto: Penguin Books, 1997. Print.


O Hero, Where Art Thou Now?: Odysseus in a Modern Context

[We read the Odyssey in English class, and had to write a variety of assignments (ok, fine, just two) on it. One of these assignments was a comparative essay, in which students could choose their thesis, yet on the criteria sheet, ‘all students must use the same thesis’. The thesis in question was that an old Coen Brothers’ comedy (O Brother, Where Art Thou?), loosely based on the Odyssey, represents Joseph Campbell’s Hero’s Journey.

I thought the Hero’s Journey was just some old man saying that all cultures’ hero stories had a beginning, a middle, and an end. He also claimed that these stories reflected humanity’s ‘collective unconscious’, and that people like to hear stories with beginnings, middles, and ends. Although it seems obvious to us, it is pretty coincidental and influential in studying comparative mythology and evolutionary psychology. Yet, I thought that the Hero’s Journey structure offered no insights into modern ‘heroes’ journeys’.

This jaded me immensely, and like the contrarian hipster I am, I decided to advocate for the Devil. The result is below; formatted, but unedited. If it seems to jump around in places, it’s because I condensed it to one page of 1000 words, ‘for the lulz’. I like it, but I still haven’t gotten my grade back, and I have the feeling that my English teacher won’t like people casting the Hero’s Journey aside…]

In the 1988 PBS documentary The Power of Myth, mythologist Joseph Campbell talks of his theory: a universally archetypal Hero’s Journey originating from the fundamental human psyche. The Hero’s Journey’s plot points, although useful for comparative mythology, are too generic. To differentiate Heroes’ Journeys from regular Journeys, Heroes’ Journeys must star a hero with heroic traits, deeds, and growth.

Ancient poet Homer’s Odyssey is about protagonist Odysseus’s voyage home from the Trojan War. Although contemporary Greeks heroized Odysseus, in a modern/Roman context, he possesses few heroic requirements. The Coen Brothers’ modern film O Brother, Where Art Thou?’s protagonist Ulysses represents Odysseus, and also lacks these requirements.

Neither O Brother, Where Art Thou?, nor its hypotext, the Odyssey, represent the Hero’s Journey.

Click on this hyper-text to read on»


戸松遥 – Q&A リサイタル! (TV Size) Transcription

I’M A TRANSCRIBER, NOT A PERFORMER

The song here is Q&A Recital!, by Haruka Tomatsu; Tonari no Kaibutsu-kun’s first OP theme.

(Music sheets (.pdf) download link)
(MIDI file download link; what this cover would sound like if I weren’t so shit at playing)
(Makemusic Finale file download link; the only reason I said ‘Makemusic’ is because it starts with ‘m’, like all the other links do)

Sorry for the horrible quality and all those mistakes. They were the product of sleepless school-induced stress and mental delusion that I could transcribe something among mountains of homework. Two words: nope. nope. nope. (I was lying about it being two words. I also apologize in advance for my lack of capitalization.)

I’m also sorry about measure 13. The melody is in the right hand, but the chords obviously glossed it over. Then again, I think the bassline was actually more interesting than the melody so that could be a good thing orz

I could only understand ‘I’m sorry’ from hagure’s ED»


Musikalisches Bilderbuch, No. 5 Weisse Und Schwarze Tasten II

According to the German Wikipedia, István Szelényi (no, don’t ask me how to pronounce that) was a not-German and yes-Hungarian pianist and composer, born in 1904. He studied at the Budapest Academy of Music and liked performing and editing Liszt cause they’re both Hungarian and hungary for the satiater that is ~romantic music~. Except Szelényi had “the drive to write a tonal and intelligible, while contemporary music close.” Which means that he was actually an expressionist.

He composed Musikalisches Bilderbuch (Musical Picture-Book) in 1967, just 5 years before his death at 68 years old. This Reliable Source (totally not copied from German Wikipedia) suggests that Musical Picture-Book “is one of the most stimulating educational collections of piano music of the 20th century.”

So why does nobody have a numbered song list of it?!

the numbers are important because math»


Music of Our Time, Book 2, Twotone

(Yes, I’m digging through old RCM pieces now that it’s finally over. Do have a listen to Das Artige Kind, another simple study.)

The title of this post is somewhat misleading because Music of Our Time, Book 2 isn’t called ‘Twotone’. Twotone is one of the pieces in the book, but I don’t know which one. Imagine it as ‘Music of Our Time, Book 2, No. ???: Twotone,’ and it doesn’t seem as confusing. Of course, ‘No. ???’ looks appallingly ugly and I wouldn’t write such a travesty if my life depended on it, but…

Music of Our Time was actually a collaboration by renowned Canadian composer Jean Coulthard, and her two students David Duke and Joan Hansen. (I really don’t know how to properly Oxford comma this sentence, so I’ll just leave it as-is.) Twotone was written by Joan Hansen, an enigmatic mortgage sales representative-cum-composer.

…Yeah, that’s not the Joan Hansen we’re talking about. Probably shouldn’t go into so much detail on a composer when we have such a short little piece to talk about.

I really like the polytonality of this. (There’s… not much more to like. What can you like about 11 bars of music?) You can distinctly hear the two different hands, and the dissonances and parallel fifths actually sound alright. The key switch in the middle section seems a bit trivial, since the left hand F-major chord in bar 7 is still natural, and you don’t actually encounter any c-sharps in the right hand there. Actually, you don’t encounter any c-sharps in the entire piece…

If the dynamics aren’t contrasting enough, blame my camera: it automatically makes soft sounds louder and loud sounds softer. I think I did pretty well, though. I fessed up at bar 10 – there’s a two-beat rest, and I only rested for one. I hope nobody uses my recording to help them learn this piece… (which isn’t in the syllabus anymore, lol)

In two words, this piece is pretty cute.


Worse Larks Online 11

A modern epistolary article, by Mushyrulez.

Dr. Christian F. Clean
Argus Entertainment
666 Gr Ave.
Hell’s Gate, BC

April 1st, 2022

Mr. Mackenzie U. S. H. Zdrojkowski
555 Park St.
Vancouver, BC

Dear End-User Customer:

I am pleased to inform you that your application to be a Beta Tester for Sword Art Online has been approved by our customer services department. This letter summarizes your responsibilities in the implementation of this Beta Test. Attached please find the detailed Terms and Conditions of this Agreement. By creating an account for Sword Art Online, you accept these Terms and Conditions.

As a Beta Tester for Sword Art Online, you will:

1. Participate in Sword Art Online for a minimum of twenty (20) hours every week;
2. Agree to submit all physical/emotional usage statistics to Argus Entertainment, Inc.;
3. Actively search for ‘bugs’ existing in the Beta implementation of Sword Art Online;
4. Swear complete secrecy on all aspects of the Beta Implementation of Sword Art Online;

Argus Entertainment, Inc. waives responsibility for all nervous damage caused by the Beta Implementation of Argus Entertainment, Inc.’s revolutionary NerveGear™ product. By accepting the Terms and Conditions attached, you permanently suspend all prospective emotional damage lawsuits that may be caused by your imminent death by electromagnetic combustion. Argus Entertainment, Inc. permanently reserves all rights related to this Beta Implementation of Sword Art Online.

Sincerely yours,

Christian Felix Clean

There's only one 'i' in 'Yui'!

[BUG REPORT #000023]

SUBMITTER: mzdrojkowski1
DATE: 20220402204022
VERSION: SAO0.000.092b
SUMMARY: Sword Art Online is not letting me be a moè girl with only one eyeball.
DESCRIPTION: I really want to be a moè girl with only one eyeball.
STATUS: WONTFIX
REPLY: You are a fucking retard.

I want to be a moè ball with only one girl»


Die Anfangs-Stunden, Op. 117, No. 19 Das Artige Kind

it is late I am late today we will talk about CORNELIUS GURLITT’s marvellous étude, DAS ARTIGE KIND.

cornelius gurlitt was a classmate of the son of the leipzig conservatory head (and subsequently studied with him). he was a pretty cool guy, became a Professor of Music at the accademia nazionale di santa cecilia (which is supposedly a pretty cool thing to get). he didn’t write music to entertain, but to educate, so he wrote many studies like das artige kind

‘das artige kind’ in english is ‘the good/kind/polite child’. i think. i don’t german, i don’t want to be guilty crown

‘die anfangs-stunden’ means ‘the first lessons’, and this collection in english is ‘the first lessons: 34 short pieces for the pianoforte (opus 117)’. as you expect, das artige kind is the 19th short piece in this collection

you can read the music right here but BEWARE it may possibly be illegal somewhere i don’t know this guy’s been dead for 111 years, alright

BUT WAIT

if you scroll down you’ll see a difference; it’s played up an octave on the second part. well my OFFICIAL ROYAL CONSERVATORY OF MUSIC NEW PIANO SERIES STUDIES ALBUM 1 & 2 suggests otherwise. what i play comes from my rcm studies book, not the gurlitt collection version (the publisher’s name isn’t even listed there…)

what’s more, i don’t even know when he composed this, or even when it was first published. that’s why for composition date i just wrote ‘between 1820-1901’, since it’s doubtful he composed this before his birth or after his death

anyways that is all. see if you can spot the bulbasaur hidden among my pants


Sword Art a Lion 10

WARNING: To all who appreciate Shakespeare, proper English grammar, and/or Sword Art Online, I apologize in advance for any permanent emotional/mental damage reading this post may have inflicted upon you. Serves you right for reading O-New.

A Shakespearean re-enaction, by Mushyrulez.

ACT I

SCENE I. The Headquarters of the Knights of Blood.

Enter HEATHCLIFF, KIRITO, and ASUNA

HEATHCLIFF: If thou wishes to elope with Asuna,
Be best to settle it in noble battle.
If thou succeeds, so win you her, but:
If losing thus, thou’dst join the Knights.

KIRITO: In battle fair, so let it be.
This affair, I’ll settle upon my sword.
And be not one to cry ‘Hold, hold!’

Exit HEATHCLIFF

ASUNA: Thou art dull beyond dull,
In fight with valiant Heathcliff, how dost thou
Expect a victory?
It is murder to regard such.

I don't even know what a plum-face would look like...

KIRITO: Dissolve thy fears, for fearing such,
Thy complexion approaches a plum.
A warrior shirks never the call of war,
To bait me thus Heathcliff reigns cunning,
Yet against cold steel what words can show?

ASUNA: Thy abilities extend past mortals’ reach,
But Heathcliff dost have more withal.
His shield is saintly,
His robes sacrosanct,
A Nemean beast; sees none his blood.
Alack! I mourn for thee.

KIRITO: If he merely acts the Lion,
Become it, O sword of mine.

Exeunt

Shakespeare’s rolling in his grave»


The War Draft Line 9

Propaganda, by Mushyrulez.

“You WILL join the army!”

Gary Stu Pirates’s booming voice echoed throughout the Forum. It was an open secret Caesar and the Populares were planning to invade Rome, and Pompey needed all the men he could muster. Yet, Mackenzie Ulysses Svetlana Harjot Zdrojkowski was never much for battle. A scholar at heart, he longed to let the days flow by, immersed in study of the Ancients. But war was nigh, and this was his obligation. For his people, for his country.

IT IS MY DUTY TO SHOUT LIKE AN ASSHOLE

Begrudgingly accepting a heavy nondescript chestplate from the centurion, he trudged out towards the training grounds that would be his home for the next seven months.

Sword Art of the Romans»


WordArt Online 8

A haiku, by Mushyrulez.

Just imagine really bad WordArt for this post and you'll be fine.

This episode sucked.
Speechless but for Comic Sans:
Fall’s WordArt Online.

P.S.
Asuna, with her
Maxed cooking skill, really is
A strong female lead.

P.P.S.
Mood change? SAO?
Have you perhaps forgotten:
Episodics suck.

P.P.P.S.
No, it’s not C-Sans.
Wanted to ‘shop it in, but
Vague joke and :effort:


You Say Tuesdays: Rainbow Poetry

“Wait just a minute!” you won’t exclaim, because you don’t know who’s writing this post. “Mushyrulez is on vacation! And Mushyrulez is writing this post!”

That’s patently untrue, as Mushyrulez is not writing this post; Mushyrulez has written this post. Before he went on his cruise to control. I mean, his caps to lock. My caps to lock. I don’t know.

It’s time for another You Say Tuesday. “What are those!?” you won’t exclaim, because you’re gone. My answer: I don’t even know…

This week, it’s time for a challenge. What’s the challenge?

Write one poem. Every day. For a week.

Who’s doing the challenge?

Probably nobody besides me. I call it ‘Rainbow Poetry’ because these seven poems will each be based around an emotion and a colour, but if anybody else wants to participate, feel free to write any number of poems about any number of things. Feel free to not write any poems at all! You won’t really be participating, but… y’know, it’s the thought that counts (not really).

I’m doing this because there’s been a horrid dearth of posts for the past seventy years, and these seven poems will be just enough to fill up a week at O-New. Furthermore, colours are beautiful and I’ve never explored literary colour before (compared to visual colour and musical colour), so this will be a cool experience. Finally, on my cruise, I’ve nothing to do but to think, and… why not think poetry?

So it’s decided. Furthermore, ’cause restraints promote creativity, I’m restraining myself to 140 words a poem. It’s not too short, not too long, and I can make some unrelated reference to twitter now.

I’ll summarize this post up with my seven poems next week. Will I actually post poems while on my cruise? No. Will I come up with one poem every day? …I’ll probably write them all next Tuesday. WHATEVER, ENJOY YOUR NON-MUSHY O-NEW


World of Tawnlign 7

A testament to papers, by Mushyrulez.

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Sword Art Online is ultimately an Expressionist message of intrapersonal angst.
Associated Press, JPG File

IRVINE – The popular online entertainment game, World of Tawnlign (WoT), has been pulled from shelves in several cities across North America amid claims of sexism and related charges.

The decision was made barely a week after the ICPD filed a lawsuit against popular gaming distribution agent, GameStart, as part of an international anti-sexism directive. The decision was supported by Canada’s Standing Committee on the Status of Women (FEWO), but many video gamers were disappointed by GameStart’s actions.

“I expected more from someone like GameStart. They’re supposed to protect gamers’ rights, not kowtow to a lawsuit just to cover their own asses,” said Louisville resident Jim Johnny Jones Wednesday. “It’s just outrageous! The consequences are extraordinarily excessive. Besides, this won’t stop online stores from selling [World of Tawnlign] to us. Completely useless.”

On GameStart’s official forum (external link), users are expressing similar sentiments. From one vidjaweeblard430: “im tired of all these femanests [sic] suing so f***in indescrimenenly [sic]. im a girl and i dont see any problem with WoT. akchualy [sic] i look more smexy there then [sic] i do irl lol.”

ICPD chairperson Mackenzie Ulysses Svetlana Harjot Zdrojkowski defended their decision with a thirty-minute speech on Tuesday. “This discrimination has continued on for far too long. If we are to prevent all discrimination as our organization title goes, we must tackle this problem at its branches,” he had to say about their campaign. However, the ICPD remained silent on whether its reaction to World of Tawnlign’s avatars was appropriate.

UPDATE: Zdrojkowski e-mailed back O-New on Monday, claiming that “Any discrimination in any form based on race, creed, sex, orientation, or anything at all is completely unacceptable, no matter the severity,” and that “[The ICPD] must set an example for all to follow.”

I honestly don't understand how girls can wear those short shorts without catching a cold every week. The last time I wore shorts out of gym class was six years ago during a record heat wave.
NEWS photo, taken by Oné W. Bloggs

The ICPD lawsuit alleges that the developer of World of Tawnlign, Tempest Entertainment, Inc., purposefully “limited female player choice” by forcing them to “only wear skirts throughout the game.” Furthermore, Tempest “excludes hermaphrodites from active sexual participation” because of “arbitrary genital limits”. World of Tawnlign requires a pre-game genital scan to confirm gender, although in-game, all men have identical testicles, and all women genitalia differ only in colour.

Members of infamous ‘hack’ group LolSex claim to have found a workaround. From a blog entry (external link) dated June 24th, “It’s actually quite easy [to wear pants.] […] The exploit here deals with Steel Legplates, Dragonskin Leggings, and Worn Corduroy Pants’s internal sex modifier being unmarked for the Asuna. [Tempest Entertainment] will probably patch this up within the month, but until then, enjoy your newfound pants!” Representatives of Tempest Entertainment could not be reached for comment, but LolSex reports that “the bug still hasn’t been patched.”

The Asuna race “are the smartest sentient beings in World of Tawnlign”, says its official wiki (external link). Their diminutive stature and bitchy tsundere attitude create problems for cross-race equipment, possibly leading to LolSex’s exploit. World of Tawnlign is set in the fantasy world of Tawnlign, and takes place 250 years after the original War of Tawnlign. Players must reunite the estranged members of the legendary guild Fate’s Boundary to save Tawnlign from the five resurrected Chaos Dragons.

Look at me. Look back. The dragon is now crystals.
In-game ‘screenshot’ of the Crystal Dragon Kralkatorrik

World of Tawnlign is currently the world’s sixth most popular online video game.

Representatives of GameStart declined comment.

The Associated Press is entitled exclusively to use for re-publication of all news dispatches credited to it or not otherwise credited in this paper and all local news of spontaneous origin published herein.

Episode Notes:

Crafting:
– Does Liz have to learn how to melt iron into steel, how to balance its carbon composition, how to cast a steel alloy, how to heat the alloy, how to taper the edge, how to normalize the metal, how to anneal the blade, how to temper and coat the sword, how to attach the hilt, how to craft the pommel, how to sharpen the blade, and so on…, or does she just have to do the Virtual Reality equivalent of clicking ‘craft’? You can see the ingot literally morph into a sword (complete with hilt), but then adding all those other steps such as sharpening the final weapon seems unnecessarily complex…
– I wonder if every single combination of metal and crafting technique produces a uniquely named sword, or if only certain combinations work. An adamantine + dirt sword would be PRETTY DAMN AWESOME, but it’d take ages to name and add effects to all of them.
– Perhaps the sword name depends on the way the sword was crafted too… which would make it even more complex. There’s a reason games don’t do this, and it’s because :effort:
– My spellchecker says ‘adamantine’ should become ‘daintiness’.

Dungeons:
– How long does it take the dragon to regenerate its limbs? Or is that an entirely different dragon? How come the limited exp pool plot point from episode one is completely glossed over? Why do monsters still respawn‽
– Is the only way to get that metal from falling inside the pit, or do you get it when you kill the dragon? If you have an insanely high Persuasion stat, can you coax the poop out of the dragon? Is it possible that all monster drops are actually monster droppings? Are you sure you still want to eat that chocolate truffle?
– Are you supposed to be able to run out of that bottomless pit? For that matter, how did Kirito escape the death room where Sachi died?

Girls:
– How come everybody Kirito creates a relationship with is a girl, and how come all of them die/disappear after Kirito meets them? Where’s Klein?
– How come every girl’s hair is differently coloured? How come we’ve never seen any guy with nonstandard hair colours?
– Asuna sucks. ASSuna backwards may be ANUSsa but saying “You just want to possess her!” doesn’t make Asuna a strong female character. Being the Vice-Commander of the Knights of Blood doesn’t make Asuna a strong female character. Having permanently angry eyebrows doesn’t make Asuna a strong female character. The strongest characters aren’t strong because the author tries desperately to persuade you; they’re strong because their actions show it. Asuna’s flippancy/austerity combo doesn’t convince me that she’s a character at all. Read those posts, I can hardly say this better.
– On the other hand, moèblob Liz is almost worse but at least she’s not bipolar. Furthermore, the ending of this episode… c’mon, tell me you didn’t feel for Liz. Sword Art Online is a story of jealousy, cockblock Asuna’s woefully oblivious to Liz’s feelings, and Kirito is a humongous egotistical asshole (sorta like me, but not as cool). Were we supposed to feel that Kirito’s ‘consolation’ was enough to comfort Liz? Don’t give me those droppings


Swore Dalton Line 6

A detective mystery, by Mushyrulez.

Oné W. Bloggs’s body dropped lifelessly to the ground beneath them, a silver dagger glistening red in her back.

“Vice-Commander Mackenzie Ulysses Svetlana Harjot Zdrojkowski of the Knights of the Rhine, you handle the rest!” cried Jim Johnny Jones as he spotted a dark shadow moving in the distance. “I’m going after him!”

“Don’t!”

Of course, nobody listens to Mackenzie’s advice, and so Jim Johnny Jones sped off into the sunset, gun in hand. As he raised his monocle to steady a shot at the cloaked assassin, to his immense surprise…

…the assassin disappeared.

You can tell Kirito's Chinese because his eyes don't take up half his face

Canada’s national animal dams everything»


Sword LARPs on the Rhine 5

An experimental light novel-esque, by Mushyrulez

“We’ll lure the field boss into the village.”

“W-Wait a second. If you do that, the villagers-”

“That’s the idea. While the boss is killing NPCs, we’ll attack and destroy it.”

“NPCs aren’t just mere objects like trees or rocks. They’re-”

“Alive? Is that it? They’re just objects. They’ll simply respawn if they’re killed.”

“I can’t go along with this.”

“I, Vice-Commander Mackenzie Ulysses Svetlana Harjot Zdrojkowski of the Knights of the Rhine, am overseeing this operation. Jim Johnny Jones, you will obey my orders.”

“Man, I mean yo, what the fuck? Is there any need to LARP so seriously, dude? I mean I’ve honestly never seen somebody as retarded obsessed with decorum as you, and I’ve been involved in some pretty sick LARPing back in my day. Yo, I understand acting like some asshole commander in-character and shit but we haven’t even started the game! I mean really we’re just like scouting out venues now, not preparing to kill NPCs or whatever. You disgust me. Get out of my fucking sight.”

Made a glopping sound as...

Two years worth of drool made a glopping sound»->


Sword Mart on Limes 4

A story of maples, by Mushyrulez

“That’ll be 200,000,000 mesos, please.”

“Fuck this shit!”

Kiritoe spat on the ground. Unfortunately, MesoStory was a 2-D side-scrolling platformer, and Kiritoe pressed F6 to activate the emoticon representing ‘spitting on the ground’.

Unfortunately, MesoStory did not have such an emoticon, for it was a shitty Korean game nobody played that had horrible pixellation even though the technology exists to do otherwise. Case in point:

A picture of pixellation. A pixel of picturation.

Instead, Kiritoe spat onto his outstretched naked thigh.

…He soon realized the full ramifications of his act.

“Damn, I should probably wear some clothes now.”

In my defense it is sweltering»


Minuet in F Major, K. 2

THIS MINUET WAS COMPOSED BY MOZART WHEN HE WAS SIX in 1762

DO YOU HEAR GUYS

WHEN HE WAS SIX

when you were six you were probably still learning how to not puke on the floor whenever your dad beat you in the stomach with a feather

WHEN HE WAS SIX HE COMPOSED THIS and probably didn’t have sex

now be jealous

notes:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nannerl%27s_Music_Book
http://imslp.org/wiki/Minuet_in_F_major,_K.2_(Mozart,_Wolfgang_Amadeus)

– k2 is not a mountain


Erster Wiener Lehrmeister im Pianofortespiel, Op. 599, Nos. 81 – 100

HEY THIS IS THE LAST POST GUYS

GUYS?

GUYS?????????????????


Sword Farts Online 3

Sword Farts Online

A nested loop of dubious quality and dubious nestedness, by Mushyrulez

“”””Get out.”

Mackenzie Ulysses Svetlana Harjot Zdrojkowski, seated comfortably behind a large mahogany table with his legs crossed on top of it, looked up from his erotic volume – if you know what I mean.

What I mean is, he paused his reading of Sword Art Online Chapter 16.5 for two main reasons. Firstly, the work was so depressingly vapid that he couldn’t help but kick it into the incinerator conveniently glued to the ceiling, raining ashes, infernos, and fiery hell onto the poor individual underneath. Secondly, the poor individual underneath the incinerator was so distressingly constipated that he couldn’t help but ogle at the poor member, if you know what I mean.

Exhibit 1: The Onset of a Fart.

“I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU MEAN!” shouted the constipated Christian Felix Clean to the unassuming narrator sitting in the corner, talking with a monotone voice in the third person. “GET OUT OF MY FUCKING OFFICE!”

Tune in next episode for the exciting adventures of fart»