O-New: Now Extinct Website

Posts tagged “Creative Writing

Worse Larks Online 11

A modern epistolary article, by Mushyrulez.

Dr. Christian F. Clean
Argus Entertainment
666 Gr Ave.
Hell’s Gate, BC

April 1st, 2022

Mr. Mackenzie U. S. H. Zdrojkowski
555 Park St.
Vancouver, BC

Dear End-User Customer:

I am pleased to inform you that your application to be a Beta Tester for Sword Art Online has been approved by our customer services department. This letter summarizes your responsibilities in the implementation of this Beta Test. Attached please find the detailed Terms and Conditions of this Agreement. By creating an account for Sword Art Online, you accept these Terms and Conditions.

As a Beta Tester for Sword Art Online, you will:

1. Participate in Sword Art Online for a minimum of twenty (20) hours every week;
2. Agree to submit all physical/emotional usage statistics to Argus Entertainment, Inc.;
3. Actively search for ‘bugs’ existing in the Beta implementation of Sword Art Online;
4. Swear complete secrecy on all aspects of the Beta Implementation of Sword Art Online;

Argus Entertainment, Inc. waives responsibility for all nervous damage caused by the Beta Implementation of Argus Entertainment, Inc.’s revolutionary NerveGear™ product. By accepting the Terms and Conditions attached, you permanently suspend all prospective emotional damage lawsuits that may be caused by your imminent death by electromagnetic combustion. Argus Entertainment, Inc. permanently reserves all rights related to this Beta Implementation of Sword Art Online.

Sincerely yours,

Christian Felix Clean

There's only one 'i' in 'Yui'!

[BUG REPORT #000023]

SUBMITTER: mzdrojkowski1
DATE: 20220402204022
VERSION: SAO0.000.092b
SUMMARY: Sword Art Online is not letting me be a moè girl with only one eyeball.
DESCRIPTION: I really want to be a moè girl with only one eyeball.
REPLY: You are a fucking retard.

I want to be a moè ball with only one girl»

Sword Art a Lion 10

WARNING: To all who appreciate Shakespeare, proper English grammar, and/or Sword Art Online, I apologize in advance for any permanent emotional/mental damage reading this post may have inflicted upon you. Serves you right for reading O-New.

A Shakespearean re-enaction, by Mushyrulez.


SCENE I. The Headquarters of the Knights of Blood.


HEATHCLIFF: If thou wishes to elope with Asuna,
Be best to settle it in noble battle.
If thou succeeds, so win you her, but:
If losing thus, thou’dst join the Knights.

KIRITO: In battle fair, so let it be.
This affair, I’ll settle upon my sword.
And be not one to cry ‘Hold, hold!’


ASUNA: Thou art dull beyond dull,
In fight with valiant Heathcliff, how dost thou
Expect a victory?
It is murder to regard such.

I don't even know what a plum-face would look like...

KIRITO: Dissolve thy fears, for fearing such,
Thy complexion approaches a plum.
A warrior shirks never the call of war,
To bait me thus Heathcliff reigns cunning,
Yet against cold steel what words can show?

ASUNA: Thy abilities extend past mortals’ reach,
But Heathcliff dost have more withal.
His shield is saintly,
His robes sacrosanct,
A Nemean beast; sees none his blood.
Alack! I mourn for thee.

KIRITO: If he merely acts the Lion,
Become it, O sword of mine.


Shakespeare’s rolling in his grave»

The War Draft Line 9

Propaganda, by Mushyrulez.

“You WILL join the army!”

Gary Stu Pirates’s booming voice echoed throughout the Forum. It was an open secret Caesar and the Populares were planning to invade Rome, and Pompey needed all the men he could muster. Yet, Mackenzie Ulysses Svetlana Harjot Zdrojkowski was never much for battle. A scholar at heart, he longed to let the days flow by, immersed in study of the Ancients. But war was nigh, and this was his obligation. For his people, for his country.


Begrudgingly accepting a heavy nondescript chestplate from the centurion, he trudged out towards the training grounds that would be his home for the next seven months.

Sword Art of the Romans»

WordArt Online 8

A haiku, by Mushyrulez.

Just imagine really bad WordArt for this post and you'll be fine.

This episode sucked.
Speechless but for Comic Sans:
Fall’s WordArt Online.

Asuna, with her
Maxed cooking skill, really is
A strong female lead.

Mood change? SAO?
Have you perhaps forgotten:
Episodics suck.

No, it’s not C-Sans.
Wanted to ‘shop it in, but
Vague joke and :effort:

World of Tawnlign 7

A testament to papers, by Mushyrulez.


Sword Art Online is ultimately an Expressionist message of intrapersonal angst.
Associated Press, JPG File

IRVINE – The popular online entertainment game, World of Tawnlign (WoT), has been pulled from shelves in several cities across North America amid claims of sexism and related charges.

The decision was made barely a week after the ICPD filed a lawsuit against popular gaming distribution agent, GameStart, as part of an international anti-sexism directive. The decision was supported by Canada’s Standing Committee on the Status of Women (FEWO), but many video gamers were disappointed by GameStart’s actions.

“I expected more from someone like GameStart. They’re supposed to protect gamers’ rights, not kowtow to a lawsuit just to cover their own asses,” said Louisville resident Jim Johnny Jones Wednesday. “It’s just outrageous! The consequences are extraordinarily excessive. Besides, this won’t stop online stores from selling [World of Tawnlign] to us. Completely useless.”

On GameStart’s official forum (external link), users are expressing similar sentiments. From one vidjaweeblard430: “im tired of all these femanests [sic] suing so f***in indescrimenenly [sic]. im a girl and i dont see any problem with WoT. akchualy [sic] i look more smexy there then [sic] i do irl lol.”

ICPD chairperson Mackenzie Ulysses Svetlana Harjot Zdrojkowski defended their decision with a thirty-minute speech on Tuesday. “This discrimination has continued on for far too long. If we are to prevent all discrimination as our organization title goes, we must tackle this problem at its branches,” he had to say about their campaign. However, the ICPD remained silent on whether its reaction to World of Tawnlign’s avatars was appropriate.

UPDATE: Zdrojkowski e-mailed back O-New on Monday, claiming that “Any discrimination in any form based on race, creed, sex, orientation, or anything at all is completely unacceptable, no matter the severity,” and that “[The ICPD] must set an example for all to follow.”

I honestly don't understand how girls can wear those short shorts without catching a cold every week. The last time I wore shorts out of gym class was six years ago during a record heat wave.
NEWS photo, taken by Oné W. Bloggs

The ICPD lawsuit alleges that the developer of World of Tawnlign, Tempest Entertainment, Inc., purposefully “limited female player choice” by forcing them to “only wear skirts throughout the game.” Furthermore, Tempest “excludes hermaphrodites from active sexual participation” because of “arbitrary genital limits”. World of Tawnlign requires a pre-game genital scan to confirm gender, although in-game, all men have identical testicles, and all women genitalia differ only in colour.

Members of infamous ‘hack’ group LolSex claim to have found a workaround. From a blog entry (external link) dated June 24th, “It’s actually quite easy [to wear pants.] […] The exploit here deals with Steel Legplates, Dragonskin Leggings, and Worn Corduroy Pants’s internal sex modifier being unmarked for the Asuna. [Tempest Entertainment] will probably patch this up within the month, but until then, enjoy your newfound pants!” Representatives of Tempest Entertainment could not be reached for comment, but LolSex reports that “the bug still hasn’t been patched.”

The Asuna race “are the smartest sentient beings in World of Tawnlign”, says its official wiki (external link). Their diminutive stature and bitchy tsundere attitude create problems for cross-race equipment, possibly leading to LolSex’s exploit. World of Tawnlign is set in the fantasy world of Tawnlign, and takes place 250 years after the original War of Tawnlign. Players must reunite the estranged members of the legendary guild Fate’s Boundary to save Tawnlign from the five resurrected Chaos Dragons.

Look at me. Look back. The dragon is now crystals.
In-game ‘screenshot’ of the Crystal Dragon Kralkatorrik

World of Tawnlign is currently the world’s sixth most popular online video game.

Representatives of GameStart declined comment.

The Associated Press is entitled exclusively to use for re-publication of all news dispatches credited to it or not otherwise credited in this paper and all local news of spontaneous origin published herein.

Episode Notes:

– Does Liz have to learn how to melt iron into steel, how to balance its carbon composition, how to cast a steel alloy, how to heat the alloy, how to taper the edge, how to normalize the metal, how to anneal the blade, how to temper and coat the sword, how to attach the hilt, how to craft the pommel, how to sharpen the blade, and so on…, or does she just have to do the Virtual Reality equivalent of clicking ‘craft’? You can see the ingot literally morph into a sword (complete with hilt), but then adding all those other steps such as sharpening the final weapon seems unnecessarily complex…
– I wonder if every single combination of metal and crafting technique produces a uniquely named sword, or if only certain combinations work. An adamantine + dirt sword would be PRETTY DAMN AWESOME, but it’d take ages to name and add effects to all of them.
– Perhaps the sword name depends on the way the sword was crafted too… which would make it even more complex. There’s a reason games don’t do this, and it’s because :effort:
– My spellchecker says ‘adamantine’ should become ‘daintiness’.

– How long does it take the dragon to regenerate its limbs? Or is that an entirely different dragon? How come the limited exp pool plot point from episode one is completely glossed over? Why do monsters still respawn‽
– Is the only way to get that metal from falling inside the pit, or do you get it when you kill the dragon? If you have an insanely high Persuasion stat, can you coax the poop out of the dragon? Is it possible that all monster drops are actually monster droppings? Are you sure you still want to eat that chocolate truffle?
– Are you supposed to be able to run out of that bottomless pit? For that matter, how did Kirito escape the death room where Sachi died?

– How come everybody Kirito creates a relationship with is a girl, and how come all of them die/disappear after Kirito meets them? Where’s Klein?
– How come every girl’s hair is differently coloured? How come we’ve never seen any guy with nonstandard hair colours?
– Asuna sucks. ASSuna backwards may be ANUSsa but saying “You just want to possess her!” doesn’t make Asuna a strong female character. Being the Vice-Commander of the Knights of Blood doesn’t make Asuna a strong female character. Having permanently angry eyebrows doesn’t make Asuna a strong female character. The strongest characters aren’t strong because the author tries desperately to persuade you; they’re strong because their actions show it. Asuna’s flippancy/austerity combo doesn’t convince me that she’s a character at all. Read those posts, I can hardly say this better.
– On the other hand, moèblob Liz is almost worse but at least she’s not bipolar. Furthermore, the ending of this episode… c’mon, tell me you didn’t feel for Liz. Sword Art Online is a story of jealousy, cockblock Asuna’s woefully oblivious to Liz’s feelings, and Kirito is a humongous egotistical asshole (sorta like me, but not as cool). Were we supposed to feel that Kirito’s ‘consolation’ was enough to comfort Liz? Don’t give me those droppings

Swore Dalton Line 6

A detective mystery, by Mushyrulez.

Oné W. Bloggs’s body dropped lifelessly to the ground beneath them, a silver dagger glistening red in her back.

“Vice-Commander Mackenzie Ulysses Svetlana Harjot Zdrojkowski of the Knights of the Rhine, you handle the rest!” cried Jim Johnny Jones as he spotted a dark shadow moving in the distance. “I’m going after him!”


Of course, nobody listens to Mackenzie’s advice, and so Jim Johnny Jones sped off into the sunset, gun in hand. As he raised his monocle to steady a shot at the cloaked assassin, to his immense surprise…

…the assassin disappeared.

You can tell Kirito's Chinese because his eyes don't take up half his face

Canada’s national animal dams everything»

Sword LARPs on the Rhine 5

An experimental light novel-esque, by Mushyrulez

“We’ll lure the field boss into the village.”

“W-Wait a second. If you do that, the villagers-”

“That’s the idea. While the boss is killing NPCs, we’ll attack and destroy it.”

“NPCs aren’t just mere objects like trees or rocks. They’re-”

“Alive? Is that it? They’re just objects. They’ll simply respawn if they’re killed.”

“I can’t go along with this.”

“I, Vice-Commander Mackenzie Ulysses Svetlana Harjot Zdrojkowski of the Knights of the Rhine, am overseeing this operation. Jim Johnny Jones, you will obey my orders.”

“Man, I mean yo, what the fuck? Is there any need to LARP so seriously, dude? I mean I’ve honestly never seen somebody as retarded obsessed with decorum as you, and I’ve been involved in some pretty sick LARPing back in my day. Yo, I understand acting like some asshole commander in-character and shit but we haven’t even started the game! I mean really we’re just like scouting out venues now, not preparing to kill NPCs or whatever. You disgust me. Get out of my fucking sight.”

Made a glopping sound as...

Two years worth of drool made a glopping sound»->

Sword Mart on Limes 4

A story of maples, by Mushyrulez

“That’ll be 200,000,000 mesos, please.”

“Fuck this shit!”

Kiritoe spat on the ground. Unfortunately, MesoStory was a 2-D side-scrolling platformer, and Kiritoe pressed F6 to activate the emoticon representing ‘spitting on the ground’.

Unfortunately, MesoStory did not have such an emoticon, for it was a shitty Korean game nobody played that had horrible pixellation even though the technology exists to do otherwise. Case in point:

A picture of pixellation. A pixel of picturation.

Instead, Kiritoe spat onto his outstretched naked thigh.

…He soon realized the full ramifications of his act.

“Damn, I should probably wear some clothes now.”

In my defense it is sweltering»

Sword Farts Online 3

Sword Farts Online

A nested loop of dubious quality and dubious nestedness, by Mushyrulez

“”””Get out.”

Mackenzie Ulysses Svetlana Harjot Zdrojkowski, seated comfortably behind a large mahogany table with his legs crossed on top of it, looked up from his erotic volume – if you know what I mean.

What I mean is, he paused his reading of Sword Art Online Chapter 16.5 for two main reasons. Firstly, the work was so depressingly vapid that he couldn’t help but kick it into the incinerator conveniently glued to the ceiling, raining ashes, infernos, and fiery hell onto the poor individual underneath. Secondly, the poor individual underneath the incinerator was so distressingly constipated that he couldn’t help but ogle at the poor member, if you know what I mean.

Exhibit 1: The Onset of a Fart.

“I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU MEAN!” shouted the constipated Christian Felix Clean to the unassuming narrator sitting in the corner, talking with a monotone voice in the third person. “GET OUT OF MY FUCKING OFFICE!”

Tune in next episode for the exciting adventures of fart»

Words Are Unlined 2

Words Are Unlined

A NSFW fapfic, by Mushyrulez








“Woah, what the well, man?!” screamed Agent Mackenzie Ulysses Svetlana Harjot Zdrojkowski incredulously at his computer monitor. “This computer stores the entire collection of the world’s CP!! What would happen to the economy if it were destroyed?! Wait… how can this self-destruct if this is a telegram delivered by mail? I mean, I just received the package from the mailman, and there’s nothing ins-”

It's like, a picture of light.

That’s supposed to be an explosion»

Words Are Online 1

Words Are Online

A short story, by Mushyrulez

It was a light and sunny day. Birds chirped in the background, tweeters tweeted in Starbucks, and construction workers spread their filth throughout the great city, verdant with colour and mud and Indian curry. Mackenzie Ulysses Svetlana Harjot Zdrojkowski sat morosely in front of his computer, sulking while sucking on a lollipop. Unfortunately, even the poor lollipop recognized Mackenzie Ulysses Svetlana Harjot Zdrojkowski’s suckiness, and proceeded to fall gracefully from his lips like a bulldozer as he gaped in shock at the title plastered in front of his computer in bright, glaring Comic Sans MS.

“Dot Hack Slash Slash… Ragnarok Online?”

Two people talk about how Maplestory sucks.

‘Maplestory’ is taboo at O-New»

Engrish Soramimi: Call Me Maybe… Later

Welcome back to another bout of bad Engrish soramimi! Why do I say ‘bad Engrish soramimi’? Because the singer’s Engrish is bad, its inherent badness is Engrish, and my soramimi isn’t actual soramimi, it’s just a bad mondegreen. Why is it a bad mondegreen? Because the singer’s Engrish is bad.

But how can the singer’s Engrish be bad? ‘Call Me Maybe’ is an English song, sung by an English singer, right?

No, we’re not talking about ‘Call Me Maybe’… we’re talking about ‘Call Me Later’, a 1970s R&B song by FOXY.

Wait actually no that’s in English too wait that’s not right

It’s in bad Engrish when played backwards»

Weird Dreams

I had a pretty weird dream last night. I’ve talked to my friends about it, and they don’t know what to make of it. Since this talk was over a chat client, and I don’t feel like typing it up again, I’m just going to copy/paste (with some editing for spelling errors and removing usernames and timestamps, and changing the format from chatlog to paragraph. Besides these edits, the words have been left unchanged.). So my dream starts like this:

I’m in my room. It’s night. I look out the window, and for some reason, my neighbourhood has been replaced by a forest. Deciduous trees, bare of leaves. I think there’s snow on the ground, so it must be winter; that explains the lack of leaves on the trees. I can pick out faint roads, so perhaps my neighbourhood isn’t completely gone. There are no lights, save the moon, which is full and bright. I hear a wolf howl. I can see shapes. Shapes in the trees. Moving.


Bodacious Space Pirates Promotional Post

Prepare to be dropped by cyber entertainment on an internet-ional scale as Hentai Film-woks announces the impending upload of the synchronizing, hit space story BODACIOUS SPACE PIRATES! What happens when Teen Nerds meet Computer Programming? Find out when Director Drew Houston returns to the familiar spaces of tragedy and international depression and deftly synchronizes the not-selling DROPBOX PIRATE novels by Arash Ferdowski in a folder to become an all new 26 episode anime masterpiece, while Y Combinator’s brilliant original funding is adapted for animation by the team of Drop and Box. There’s plenty of files and history revising ahead in the most storage-y adventure epic of the year, BODACIOUS SPACE PIRATES!

Most families have porn files in their folders, but Drew is understandably shocked to learn that what his family has been hiding is more folders inside folders! And while the revelation that his late father was an accountant would have been earthshaking enough for most teenage boys, discovering that he was the employee of the notorious accountant firm Bent and Marrow will change Drew’s life forever. Because, you see, accounting is a family business, and he’s just inherited nothing at all. And his father’s former employer is quite intent on making sure Drew doesn’t care! So what’s a boy to do? Well, if you’re a high school student whose prior total storage experience has been repeatedly losing your USB, there’s really only one moral dilemma that has to be resolved: are students allowed to care about really stupid plot-lines? Get ready for internet-ional programming unlike any you’ve ever seen before as cyberspace gets downloaded by bored college students, bored high school students and the most boring person ever in BODACIOUS SPACE PIRATES!

BODACIOUS SPACE PIRATES will simulcast premier on O-New starting never at 32:00 a.m. Pacific Standard Rhymes (that’s on GM-Time). Additional digital outlets and TV broadcast will follow starting forever with DVD and Box-Ray to follow.

P.P.S. HAVE A COOL (read: nonsensical stream-of-consciousness mental regurgitation) AVENGERS POST TALKING ABOUT HOW IT SUCKED! actually no that’s not what I talk about I don’t even know what I talk about in that post
P.P.P.S. Charles Dickens was the father of the modern light novel INDEED. Look at this 19th century 40-year-old otamot! They’re like, J.C. Staff protagonists but three times older!

Another New International Information Sharing and Storage Site Tournament

It is motherfucking on. O-New’s now an ISSS and there are only two ISSSs, so we’re eligible to participate in the finals.

(Voting starts whenever we pull a poll up. Voting hasn’t started yet!! So in the meantime…)

Strange Brains Ferment Sex Like Pickles; another Fridge Magnet Fiction Friday writing prompt, courtesy of 2DT and Pierre-Yves Bouthyette.

With 100% more science»

The Staff of Joseph Jacques Jean Chrétien PC OM CC QC

Once upon a time, there was a Prime Minister. His name was Jean Chrétien. He had a staff of office that indicated his high position of respect and honour. His staff was originally pretty lame when it was given to him in 1994, spitting out things like neo wrestling and oni. Suddenly, one day, in 1997, an evil wizard stole Chrétien’s staff and imbued it with magical revolutionary powers by giving it a ring with a rose crest.


How the Angel Drowned My Spark

Since 2DT’s away in Canada (WOOO!!), I guess I’ll write some shit using this random sentence generator. I’ll generate ten sentences randomly, and write three sentences of my own between each of them to try to make them make sense. Each paragraph will begin with a randomly generated sentence.

Except, wait!! 2DT just got internet. So, here’s his image and here’s mefloraine’s compilation, and, wait!! Random sentences and 2DT’s theme aren’t mutually contradictory. So, yep, I’ll still be doing the above; it’s just one extra sentence to insert, right? Can’t be too difficult…

Let’s GO~!!»

Extrinsic Strengths of Manga-Related Imperceptions versus 2-D Perverse Exceptions and Analyses: Surrendering Facts, Production of Deep Misrepresentations, Purposeless Preservation of Ancient Suppression

An exquisite corpse is the pinnacle of pretention. Pretending that people perceive patterns they can’t even penetrate without FAILING their alliteration practices. This has nothing to do with anything; yet, even this ~horrible~ post will be preserved. I mean, what even is our society’s deep fixation on preserving historical documents? “We shall digitize them,” said Alex while discussing the benefits of Amazon’s Kindle. “Take a packet of gum for instance. What’s your favorite brand?” – “I can’t say I have any. I hardly chew gum.” – “So, that is to say, your breath hardly kicks?” Jehneefah didn’t know how to reply to [NOBODY KNOWS WHAT FILLS THIS VOID] that although us people are weird and insane, we can actually be quite reasonable. In fact it is often the weirdest and insane people that are the same time the most logical. Actually, we, who are actually the worst sort of people ever, can be civilized when it is necessary.

Yet, is civilization even necessary? Our society is founded on ancient principles (and old principals, of schools, y’know) that are purposeless today. They’re also PORPOISE-LESS, as principles (and principals) aren’t cool enough to own porpoises. We’re trapped in a deep misrepresentation of irrelevant customs that suppress modernity, preserved from times. “The New York Times,” said Alex as he waived around his Kindle like an ignorant prick. “Look, this device only cost 99 dollars. I think you should buy one.” “And not gum?” “And not gum” Jehneefah let out a big sigh, took out his credit card, and made his purchase. [NOT ONE APPRAISES THAT WHICH ENCOMPASSES THE AFOREMENTIONED’S NIHILITY] energy of the surrounding briefish air to transform him into an elegand man! And once he becomes an elegand man, how elegant! Maybe it was an England man that it was meant to be, but in fact it was elegand! I would like to talk about England instead. Wow, England. What a cool guy. I think that it is quite cool. Très cool.


Oh yes, about that good design? Ha ha haaaaa yeah happy april fools

Polaris, of legendary Asian renown, is silly.
Please, observe lovingly, and receive interesting story:
“Polaris obeyed Lord Albert, receiving Italian sword,
put on Lithuanian armour, Romanian items, Spaniard
protections, Oxford leggings, and Italian sausages.
Proceeded on long adventure, reaching isolated Sicily.
Polaris obviously lead adventurers right into scary
powerful ogre’s lair, and raided it successfully,
pirating ogre’s loot and riches inside. Suddenly,
plenty of leviathans attacked, ravaging items, swords,
plenty of legs, and really impairing swashbucklers.
Polaris offended leviathans and returned, impaled sideways
partially on lances.” And recently, it’s some
proverb: ‘Obeying Lord Albert’s really idiotic. Seriously.’

P.S. The anime club president has officially out-nerded me in Touhou. I heard him talking about cancer research, meteorology, and ancestral blade arts and how it relates to Hina becoming a hurricane in the Scarlet Devil Mansion because Nitori suddenly appeared riding on Mimi-chan. How do you even COME UP with this shit

Observing a Nostalgic Elegy for Winter

Walking to school at dawn of Winter day,
The bright pale sun gives frozen hands no aid,
Hands in my pockets, keeping cold at bay,
The green grass lays covered by the white snow’s shade.

Rubbing my eye, the sky lets out a sigh,
For one can’t see if one’s completely blind.
That’s who I was, a dense and shallow guy.
Not learning true knowledge; just the tasks assigned.

Walking back home while underneath Spring rains,
A burst, a pang; in pain’s my heart and brain.
When suddenly words appear in a quatrain,
Not one, not two, but five! With its refrain:

What use is this, the constant homework’s grind?
The endless waiting ’till the end, July?
Using this time, to keep students confined?
The leaves fall down swiftly from an Autumn sky.

Yet, nothing can be done, to great dismay,
It fell upon me; a fiery grenade:
Go with the flow, and you won’t move astray,
A final conclusion, and my mind was made.

And now, only this poem still remains…

Explore in Silent Rhythm the Curse

A writing prompt, by 2DT.
A compilation, by mefloraine.
A story, by Mushyrulez.

A <!-more-> tag, by O-New»

Bob Was Hungry And He Was Also Sad Because He Was Bored

Wow, I actually finished NaNoWriMo in advance, before it even started! I was stuck at a writer’s block on the fourth sentence, but suddenly, a flash of ingenuity came through and I knew exactly what to write! You see, I started this last December, after the previous NaNoWriMo which I completely failed. I scrapped that project and started a new one, and here it is now, finished after constantly working on it for the past 10 months. I’m planning a child-friendly version later on where all swear words are replaced by ‘crap’, and a cat-friendly version later on where all swear words are replaced by ‘carp’.

Anyways, Bob Was Hungry And He Was Also Sad Because He Was Bored is the full title. I purposefully made it long, because it look a long time for me to write this story, and the title conveys the mood that I wanted to set. So, here it is, my finished novel: Bob Was Hungry And He Was Also Sad Because He Was Bored. Have fun reading!

Read on!»

Ore no Kouhai ga Konna ni Kawaii Wake ga Nai 1

(Scroll down for awesomeness)

Next: ‘Ore no Kyousuke ga Konna ni Creepy Wake ga Nai’»

Moar ghost stories

[MUSHYHIJACK: Ya guys probably have had enough of this, so I’m stopping this. :V ModkillpowerabuseYEAH]

Created by a friend, you can call him Topher the Gopher

And so, to this day, it is said that every spring, the Ghost of Mary Turner returns to Camp Elphinstone seeking her lost child. She wanders the camp, on the beaches, in the forest, by the dock and in the cabins seeking a child, any child to replace her own.

The students sat silently as the teacher stopped speaking, “Sleep well,” she murmured. “It’s only a story.”

As the children left, they whispered to each other, and the teacher immediately regretted the story as she heard the conversations: “I’m going to sleep outside, so I can run away when she comes”, or “I’m going to stay awake all night”. They were obviously exaggerations, but she hoped none of them would actually do what they were saying. But amidst the chattering crowd, one student, Jonas, remained silent. The teacher (named Mrs. McGregor) was surprised. Jonas usually wasn’t silent, but he certainly had an uncanny way of “telling the future”, to be able to predict things that were going to happen, and this time he looked grim. Mrs. McGregor went up to him: “Jonas, why do you look so worried?” Jonas replied: “It’s just that… I’m in Cabin 13 and all that, and I just feel like the Ghost of Mary Turner is going to get one of us.” “Don’t worry, Jonas, remember, it’s only a story.” As he silently made his way back to the cabin, the closed the door and the light turned off.

Mrs. McGregor stood there, chilled to the bone even though she had both her fleece and her windbreaker on. He was right, she thought. Anyways, she decided to “take a walk in the woods”, but she was actually doing something else. She was going to transform.

Years ago, she had been on this very same excursion, but then just because she was lured to something, in the forest, that seemed to be calling her. But now, she was doing it as her duty. “The Haunter”, as he was called, was a spirit, who lured female teachers and camp Councillors to him… each year, so they would transform. In this case, transform meant to turn into the ghost of Mary Turner. As she stood outside his grove, he called her in: “Here are your garments. Go immediately. Get me a child, oh, before midnight?” What the “Haunter” did was he took all the child’s memory for himself, and then multiplied it to give the child his memory back. The reason for this was so that he would become more powerful, and then, after he had the knowledge of 1000 men, he could join the Council of Spirits.

As Mrs. McGregor went along the trail, she knew of just the person the Spirit could use. That person was Jonas. As she glided gracefully along the path, invisible to all in her camouflage robe. However, Jonas woke with a start, and felt something… a great evil had entered the Camp. Could it… could it be the Ghost of Mary Turner? He prepared himself for the worst, and, as usual, put on his good luck charm. He put his grass-green rain jacket on, and slid open the back window. He jumped out, and sprinted into the woods.

Meanwhile, Mrs. McGregor (or more accurately, the Ghost of Mary Turner) silently slid open the door. From first glance, she didn’t see Jonas, and after looking in each bunk, she still couldn’t find him. Then, finally, she found the window open. Jonas! And to confirm this, she slid out and saw a piece of paper, the timetable! And at the top, clearly stated in ink, it read “Jonas” in an untidy scrawl.

Jonas had found an enormous mountain of leaves lying outside the grove, and he presumed it must have some evil purpose related to the Ghost. Then he saw something, a glistening object, and pulled it off. It was a small golden amulet, inset with rubies and emeralds.

As he turned around, a creepy voice behind him said: “so you’ve found it, have you.” As he turned he saw a black phantom that quickly grabbed hold of him. He led him inside the grove. Mrs. McGregor came in, and the Spirit said menacingly “Well done, Jonas Brown. Hand over the amulet to me.” Jonas replied “Never!” The Spirit was so surprised that he let go of him, and Jonas sprinted into the woods. “Not so fast”, the Spirit said, closing the exit of the grove. “We have matters to discuss.” Jonas suddenly felt cold. Bitterly cold. “Sit in that chair,” the Spirit said menacingly, with an evil smile to boot. Then Jonas noticed the “chair,” if you could call it that. It was a huge bundle of vines and ivy that hardly looked like a chair at all. But he sat down in it, not wanting to be bullied any longer. As soon as he sat down, he began to feel drowsy, but did his best to keep awake. Something was happening. First, he couldn’t remember his full name. Then he forgot where he was. He forgot what 1+1 was. He put up some feeble resistance, and put all his energy into it. Slowly, it grew stronger. The Spirit couldn’t put up with such resistance. No child had ever been so resistant…

Jonas could feel the Spirit’s power waning. He now had more energy, and suddenly, more memory. He was swallowing all the thoughts and knowledge of all those unfortunate children whose memories the Spirit now had.

Gradually, the Spirit grew paler and whiter. Soon, he was only a black silhouette, then a gray silhouette, and finally nothing at all. The grove opened up. The night felt different, as if some force of nature had lifted, which indeed it had. Mrs. McGregor said “Thank you, Jonas. I always hated knowing that someone else controlled me.

The next day, the leaders, particularly the female ones, seemed more uplifted, more fun. Jonas had lots of fun that week, and during shelter building, he saw the grove. And he thought through the sunlight that the ghost of the Mary Turner, happy, and not possessed by another soul, another body. And forever after, he and Mrs. McGregor maintained a good relationship, which some people could not understand. But he could.


[THIS STORY HAS 911 WORDS :O. That is like fricking…? Oh nvm. Openoffice must be glitchy. ]

“And so to this day, it is said that every Spring, the ghost of Mary Turner returns to camp Elphinstone seeking her lost child. She wanders the camp, on the beaches, in the forest, by the dock and in the cabins seeking a child, any child, to replace her own.”
The students sat silently as the teacher stopped speaking, “Sleep well,” she murmured. “It’s only a story.” The teacher, Ms. Darred, left the cabin immedietely after, leaving the atmosphere in its ominous state. “Heh, what a dumb story.”:exclaimed Mark. He was the oldest of all of the children, and sometimes acted as their leader. He had matted brown hair, brown eyes, and bags under his eyes. “Well, I’m going to sleep now, so no one bother me got it?” “Yes, Mark.” replied the entire cabin in unison. Mark sneered, and a few minutes later snores were heard. On the other side of the cabin, whispers were heard instead. “My mom believes in ghosts, and I’ve heard this story before.” said Jason. Jason was quite the timid little boy. He was the smallest in the class, quite the opposite of Mark. He had black hair, with glasses, and a light shade of blue in his eyes. “She says its really true.” “In fact,” Jason’s voice diminished to an almost inaudible whisper. “my mother said that she even met the ghost of Mary Turner herself.” “No Way!” whispered the other members in the cabin. Jason nodded. “She told me that when she came to Camp Elphinstone, the story was slightly different.” All eyes (and ears of course) pointed towards Jason. “The story went, that a long time ago…Ok seriously who is pointing that light under me?” Jason looked down, and saw Billy. “Heh heh…sorry thought it’d add to the atmosphere.” Jason continued “Anyways, the story was that the lost child of Mary Turner was quite the spoiled brat.” “Anyways, the story went that the child of Mary Turner had brought a cell phone to Camp Elphinstone, obviously with no one but him and his mother.” “During canoeing, Mary Turner and him were in the same boat, as Mary Turner volunteered to help out.” Jason paused. “A glass of water, please.” Three kids scattered and returned with a glass of water. “Thanks” Jason continued. “Then, Mary Turner’s child dropped his cellphone in the water, and he dove for it.” “His mother followed suit, and dove in with him” Jason paused, and exclaimed “Honestly Billy! That lights blinding me!” Billy quickly turned off his flashlight, “Alright, alright.” Jason cleared his throat, “Anyways, the water was freezing cold, and Mary Turner’s child had taken off his life jacket. The only choice left was for Mary Turner to take her sons place in the grave, and give him her life jacket.” Jason yawned, and while he was preparing his sleeping bag, he said “After that, her child came back, every day crying for his mother.” “ Apparently Mary Turner still can’t find his child, so the tale goes that she has changed plans.” The kids exchanged nervous glances. “Wh-wha-what plans?” said one. Jason replied “Well, it says that shes replacing her child with one thats similar.” “Apparently, her memory is somewhat fading, and all she can remember her child by is that cellphone, the cause of her death.” With that, Jason got ready to go to bed and just before going into his sleeping bag, he said “Even the legends were true, its not like anyone here has a…
BA-LA-DA-LA-DA-LA-DA-DA The tune of a cellphone ringing filled the room.
-cellphone” finished Jason
“Oops, sorry” said Mark. He had been woken up by his cellphone ringing. He turned to the other kids. “Sorry, you can all just go back to-” “Hey, what’s up?” “Whatcha all staring at for?” “Do I have a pimple on my face or something?” He looked back. Everyone stared at him, with an extremely pale expression. “HONESTLY, WHAT’S THE BIG IDEA?” shouted Mark!
*Knock Knock Knock*
Someone, or something, was knocking on the door.
Everyone looked at Jason. Jason gulped. “W-well, ghosts can’t knock, so hehe, it might be just someone from the teachers cabin right?” Billy exclaimed “But if it was a teacher, wouldn’t they have a key to get in?” Jason gulped, and felt sweat pouring down. Suddenly, he heard the lock click. He breathed a sigh of relief.
The door flew straight of its hinges, and suddenly something flew in. Is it a bird? Is it a plane? Is it Superman? No, it was the ghost of Mary Turner. The ghost swooped down, and in one swift movement, grabbed Mark, and carried him away, his screams fading into the darkness.
And so from this day on, a new rule was made in Camp Elphinstone. Do not bring any electronics, cellphones, or alarm clocks to Camp Elphinstone. You have been warned.