O-New: Now Extinct Website

Posts tagged “Mario

Arbitrary Definition: “Mario” IN HD

In HD. Inn Aych-Dee (adj.) As in, lots of talking.

Mario. Mah-ri-o (p. n.) “Mario” is a word used in conjunction with the existence of a particular plumber who enjoys wearing red-hued garments or large overalls and dealing out justice to the evil scum that clogs up pipes, most notably toilet pipes. This (“) dictionary (“) assumes this confidently, going on the fact that Mario is a plumber, and that plumbers clean pipes with their trusty plumber plungers, and that in the junior editor’s experience, the only pipe that seriously needs unclogging is the toilet pipe. “Mario”, in conjunction with the word “game(s)”, can also refer to a (series of) game(s) in which the aforementioned character goes all “Terminator” or,  in other circles, “Mokou” (Mokou is just SLIGHTLY more evil than Youmu <.>) on a variety of evil characters, most of them being turtles or mushrooms. As Mushy, the senior editor of this dictionary, likes mushrooms, and the junior editor says, quote on quote,

“I LIKE TURTLES”

this is occasionally seen as BLOODY GRAPHIC VIOLENCE by several members of the gaming community (See The Armory: Mario’s Feet on IGN). The aforementioned plumber, in these games, does not seem to actually do any plumbing in this game; if you think about this, this is odd; why else would you put a freaking plumber into a game; I mean you could totally go for a prince or say a junior editor; and instead of this weird-sounding name like “Mario”, you could very possibly change it to something more fancy, such as “Houraiguy” or “Houraiguy”; and instead of having ABSOLUTELY NO [action that main character does for his main job, which is not saving princesses D:<], the main character could actually do his job, which would be to DELETE THE HECK OUT OF paragraphs like these;

for;

having;

too;

many;

semi-colons. :P

At this point, several readers of the Encyclopedia Arbitraria et Stupidia et Onewica may question the use of the occupation “junior editor”, seeing that this occupation would not exactly “fit the bill” in many readers’ minds. However, the direct lack of an abundance of occupations where the, to be somewhat direct/blunt, repeated SQUASHING and FLATTENING of various animated mushrooms with tusks and over-sized eyes as well as the kicking of various rainbow-coloured shells belonging to frightened bipedal turtles that, as of late, perform a jig right out of the blue, means that frankly any occupation is open for this position. If the Terminator had gone “You must beh TURMINAYTED” and flew thirty bajillion feet up in the air before zooming down at speeds in excess of 31415926 bajillion kilometres a second to “TURMINAYT” its target, then the Terminator, as a job, would be choice for this job, seeing as the junior editor would rather not induce the wrath of demented dive-bombing steel hunks with red eyes.

In early installations of so-called “Mario” games, the plumber from a place known as the “Mushroom Kingdom”. Why Mario is not plumbing happily in some godforsaken corner of this area is unclear. If we study the storyline, a typical and generally unvarying thing amongst these “games”, it seems that a “Princess Peach” has been kidnapped by the “evil” Bowser. This may help clear up the question of how why Mario was chasing Princess Peach. Perhaps Mario had a relationship with the Princess. It is becoming, with increasing amounts of confirmation by renowned “scientists” (A.K.A Junior editors Me, Myself, I, and Houraiguy), that a possible alternate theory may have been the cause of all this “OH SH*T THE PRINCESS-A CAN STOLERD-A BY A BIG TURTLE WITH SPIKES NOW I HAVE TO RUN-A AFTER THE PRINCESS-A”. This theory is as follows:

“Mario, using the more illegal services of Princess Peach, is behind on his payments to her for her services. After the Princess is dragged away by the spikey turtle, Mario futilely hopes to be redeemed from his debts. After 7 mysterious AND TOTALLY NOT AT ALL REPETITIVE NO NOT AT ALL cryptic messages from mushroom-headed beings with short legs and blue shirts in several Evil Turtle TM castles and a CONFRONTATION with the TURTLE OF SPIKEY DOOM, Mario thinks, stupidly, that the Princess will eradicate his debts to her. She doesn’t. Then, two seconds after the Princess arrives back in her castle, she is stolen by a clone of the EVIL SPIKEY TURTLE. Repeat.”

After the robbery of his Princess, the plumber of Kingdom Hearts a la Mushroom sets off on a JOURNEY. This plumber, in addition to having unprotected *** episodes, also takes drugs. Along his journey to slide down about 30 flagpoles, he encounters four different types of drugs. The first one of these drugs is a large mushroom the size of Mario. This mushroom, when taken, appears to act like instant steroids, doubling his height. The second drug, which oddly only seems to appear when the plumber is at a “two head proportion” (See: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-D1Gr7fM_2w), creates a puffball explosion in which the plumber’s colour palette appears to have been swapped. The third type of drug is a bouncing star. You can tell this star is a “good” guy because it is running away from Mario, who is obviously bad. Another sneaky sign of the drugginess of this star is that is bouncing. This strar will never stop bouncing unless it falls down a pit or is eaten by Mario, who then turns into a Shiny Mario, who is then sought after eagerly by Ash Ketchum, or at least until Mario stops shining ten seconds later. Oddly, whilst the plumber of sparkly overalls bounces off to the next flagpole/toad with the message of “YOU PRINCESS IS OVAR THAIR HUR HUR GO AHED”, he tends to fall in bottomless pits increasingly often, probably because Shiny Mario is increasingly cocky during the duration of this drug. A final drug is another member of the “OH SHOOT MARIO IS COMING TO EAT ME RUN AWAYYY –omnomnommed” family, the One Upius Mushroomius Fungus Thingamajigger. This mushroom seems to carry the detrimental message of “GET A LIFE, MARIO”, or so it’s oddly green soul claims (“1UP”).

At this point, it seems like a good idea to note that Mario, unlike most proper plumbers, uses two sorts of weapons. Unlike conventional Italian plumbers, who would normally attack bipedal mushrooms and turtles with colourful language, chlorela infected waters, and their Trusty Plunger Of Emptying That Toilet Pipe TM, Mario primarily uses a pair of boots and a pair of gloves. These boots must be the same as the ones used by Link (See: “Link”), as few other objects would allow the user to flatten a mushroom with legs into a brown/blue blur with the only memento of this evil gore fest being a white series of letters/numbers rising from where the mushroom once stood, presumably the soul of the “Goomba”. Oddly, these “souls” seem to be either a multiple of 100 or the message “1UP“. Goombas, therefore the Junior Editor concludes, must be weird.

After conquering a number of these enemies, the plumber inevitably stumbles into a grand castle with a lot of white bricks. After dodging a number of fatal oranges smudges, the plumber will always encounter Bowser, who can only be defeated by touching an axe-like lever that causes the bridge, in a Megaman-like effect, disappear into what was thought to be a pit of lava, but has now been revealed to be a portal to the next castle, where Bowser waits through several levels, randomly breathing fiery smudges of doom across his next castle while trying  not to touch the axe-lever.

For more information, see the “Super Mario Galaxy” entry.

Discussion Questions

1. Why is Mario’s mustache so dumb-looking? Cite examples.

2. Why does Bowser want Princess Peach? Is he under her debt too? Explain.

3. Isn’t Lakitu a freaking annoying *******************? Why or why not?


HELL-O: (Hourai’s Evil List of Lethargy on O-New) Awesome Weapons in Games Part 2

Another list. This part has weapons 8 and 7.

Number 8: Footwear (Mario Series)

What: Shoes. >.>

How: Gravity. >.>

Why: You can kill anything in Mario games with a jump. Except for spiky enemies and Boos.Kills bricks. Kills Goombas, smashes Koopas, kicks their shells around. Flattens buttons, somehow makes him wall jump efficiently, etc. Are those normal boots?!?

Number 7 &6: The Seeker and the Kasimov SNV-E99 (Singularity; XBox 360, PS3, PC)

The Seeker

What: The Seeker fires explosive rounds. Pity it’s not automatic. You’re probably thinking at this point: “WHAT?!?!? A LOT OF WEAPONS HAVE EXPLODERING ROUDNZ ADN U PIKKED THS SHT!?!?! ITS NOTT EVNE AUTOMATIC>!!?1!?!!1111/!?!” First of all, there is no need to think in capital letters (thanks Dave Barry for the joke) and poor spelling.

How: Play the game and you’ll eventually see it. Iunno how it works, but it has something to do with E99, which does random stuff. This random stuff includes creating the freaking Flood (y’know, from Halo), creating Time Kufc-like situations in which TIME GETS SCREWED UP AND THE FUTURE GETS CHANGED BY TIIIIIIIIME TRAVEL, and making awesome weapons.

Why: You can steer the bullets. AWESOME SAUCE. These are like horizontal PREDATOR MISSILES (YES YES YES BOOM), except you get more of them. Granted, they lack the splash damage radius of said Predators, but they remain OHKOs against regular grunts.

The Kasimov SNV-E99

What: Your (almost) standard sniper rifle. Powerful…

How: More E99 shenanigans. Otherwise your standard sniper rifle.

Why: You can SLOW TIME when you use the scope. How awesome is that? It also happens to OHKO grunts.

Ok, I put in three weapons when I said I’d put two. I lied. Sue me. More parts coming in the future.


A Few Idiotic Thoughts About Super Mario Galaxy; Noone Cares Obviously (This Includes Somebody And Nobody -.-)

Super Mario Galaxy is a game, unlike Wii Sports, which may or may not be a demon in disguise  :O

The reason that SMG (OLOL?) is a game, unlike W(insert three letters here that create an insult, namely U, S, and S)Sports, is that it can be generally more or less agreed that it is a game through a variety of traits held by other “games” and also a lack of traits shared in the only non-game I know, a.k.a. WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE Sports.

Game Trait 1: Plotline. SMG’s Plotline goes something like this, for all of you people who are not up to date with Ninny-tendo games and/or are people who behead others who mention any Nintendo-associated words, as shown below:

King You: Ahem. *Reading the charges* As recorded in this document, you said the word “Mario” in my presence three days ago. Do you admit to this crime?

Person 1: What do you mean? I never mentioned Mario in your pre… waitaminuteohfu-

Royal Executioner: *beheads Person 1*

King You: Next on our list of [:<AP{W{:A?F?JWA] charges, we have you, Mister I. D. Iot. You have been accused of uttering the word “Luigi” on Royal Grounds.

Mister I. D. Iot: What? I never said “Luigi” on-

Royal Executioner: *beheads Mr. I. D. Iot*

King You: Next…

Returning to the sacred (read: trashed) plotline of SMG, THE PRINCESS THAT APPEARS IN PRETTY MUCH EVERY MARIO GAME GETS STOLEN BY THE MONSTER THAT APPEARS IN PRETTY MUCH EVERY MARIO GAME RIGHT IN FRONT OF MARIO’S EYES AND MARIO GOES OFF TO SAVE THE UBIQUITOUS PRINCESS BY GOING TO THE UBIQUITOUS MONSTER’S HUUUUUUUGE CASTLE (Where the heck does Bowser get the funding to build his castles? O.o) WHICH IS ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS REALLY FAR FROM WHERE MARIO STARTS FROM. The main difference from the SMG plot and pretty much every other plot (Luigi’s Mansion had a different plot, admittedly, but that was a Luigi game, not a Mario game) is that 1. it takes place/in OUTER SPACE/IN YOUR FACE/NAO WASTE MY SPACE RACE, DISGRACE AND WASTE OF SPACE, I’LL FACE YOU WITH A MACE IN A GIANT SUITCASE/etc. (Yes, there are space races in SMG. And they MOSTLY are not particularly fun.), and 2. you are able to fly to galaxies, in which “fly” refers to being launched several thousand lightyears via star-shaped object that is orange. Wii Sports does not have a plotline. This may be good in some circumstances due to the fact that the Mario plotline is somewhat similar to the Touhou one (Mario: Get Peach, Touhou: Fix Unprecendented Serious Affair), but OTHERWISE IT SUCKS.

Game Trait #2: A Large Array Of Unlockables And Secrets

Wii Sports had exactly 15 unlockables, if you count the “pro” status an unlockable (it unlocked a higher difficulty 0_0), and they were not exactly difficult to achieve, barring the pro statuses. In SMG:

  1. Every galaxy, minus the starting two galaxies, must be unlocked,
  2. Once a galaxy is unlocked, there is only one mission available at the time (other missions are unlocked by completing the previous mission)
  3. After getting every star, beating Bowser again, rescuing Peach, and sitting through the cutscenes and the credits (120 stars is a lot, the credits are long, blahblahblah), you unlock LUIGI’S CAMPAIGN. This is the same as the regular campaign except Luigi is slightly faster than Mario (‘Eeeere we go!), slightly higher-jumping, and has sliding issues. And after you finish another 120 stars as Luigi boy, you unlock ANOTHER galaxy for both Mario and Luigi, which has (drum rollorollorolloroll…) -DUN DUN DUN (Zelda tune for opening an important chest)- one star each. Apparently, it’s hard, but I have only 108-ish stars as Mario :/

Game Trait #3: Controls Of Not Sucking So Much

SMG’s controls are fairly natural. Wii Sports are not so natural.

AND NOW TO THE THOUGHTS OF IDIOCY

IMHO: Hardest Boss In SMG: Bowser (Center Of The Universe)

Before mentioning all the goody-goody-gumdrops stuff in this category, I would to note two things:

First: A boss, in most games, is a boss that actually has a lifebar (in at least a few video games, this bar is not present amongst common enemies); usually this bar is 1. red, and 2. longer than yours (In Touhou, you don’t really have a lifebar…). Also, the boss is usually defeated through the exploitation of a weakness that it has, the boss attacks in patterns, and the weak point is a part of these patterns. Note that the weakness is not so much a weakness than a flaw in the boss’s defenses, as bosses are usually invulnerable to anything but attacks to it’s defense flaw; a “flaw” is more accurate than a “weak point” due to the fact that bosses usually take many exploitations of these flaws to actually be defeated (Nintendo games are the exception, not the rule: most Ninny-tendo bosses take ONLY THREE EXPLOITS).

Second: Most say that Bouldergeist (Ghostly Galaxy) is the STRONGEST (No, Cirno, you (9)), but I personally found that the final fight with Bowser was the difficult boss fight (One: you don’t care about my opinion. Two: I finished the Daredevil run in like three tries.).

[Must replay this level to refresh my memory, will update later]

IMHO: Easiest Boss In SMG: Topmaniac (Battlerock Galaxy)

This guy is almost as wimpy as Petey Piranha (in the first galaxy), but for variety’s sake, it’ll be Topmaniac of the Topman Tribe. T-Man looks like a UFO.

Basically, T-Man has RAZOR SHARP EDGES. His only attack is a slow dash that is no faster than his regular movement speed (he leans forward and makes pretty sparks appear on the metal floor). If you touch his sides, you’ll take DAMAGE, a BAD THING that causes GLOBAL WARMING (joking; it actually, in heavy doses, causes Mario to have what looks like a migraine). So what can we DO? Hmm. T-Man appears to have a VULNERABLE, FLASHING RED SPOT on his HEAD, which unlike other bosses in SMG with head vulnerabilities, is not incredibly high off of the ground. What will Mario do?

—–

[     Fight    ]  [     Bag    ]

[Plumbers]  [     Run   ]

Bag: You have no items!

Run: You can’t run from a trainer battle!

Plumbers: You have no other Plumbermon!

Fight: [     Spin    ]  [   Jump   ]

[Run Into]  [Sepukku]

Mario used Spin! But it failed!

Mari used Run Into! But it failed!

Mario used Sepukku! Mario fainted!

-RESTART-

What shall Mario do? Say “Jump”, kiddies! *pause*

Mario used Jump! It was super effective!

—–

After Mario does a jump and lands on T-Man’s head, T-Man retracts his sharp spikes and turns very docile. As the arena is surrounded by a ring of electric wire, Mario only has to spin T-Man into the wire! (T-Man does recover after a fair amount of time if he is not zapped.)

“BZZ-ZZ-ZZ-ZZZ-ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ-T!” goes T-Man. T-Man jumps and lands in the center and releases three yellow, small tops. These tops, encountered earlier in the level, cannot directly do damage to you (…), but when they dash at you, they bump you backwards and stun you for like 1.5 seconds. They are killed by spins. T-Man, after his first round of electric therapy, does not change. Mario does some more jump-and-spinning, and T-Man gets his next round of zapping. This time, T-Man DOES NOT CHANGE HIS TACTICS AT ALL, but he releases RED, MEDIUM TOPS. These tops can also not do damage to you unless you jump on them, in which case you will take damage because of the fact that they have a spike on their heads. After doing the smack-on-the-head-and-zap-you-dead routine for the third time to T-Man, he blows up and releases A POWER STAR, which ends the level. Wimp.

IMHO: Most Obnoxious Level In The Whole _ _ _ _ ing Game Of SMG: Mario/Luigi Meets Luigi (Toy Time Galaxy: Purple Comet)

This is, IMH(and biased)O, the evilest level in SMG. Let me describe it.

This map is a remake of the Toy Time 2nd mission (Mario/Luigi Meets Mario), in which you are walking around on a huge, pixelated Mario made out of fairly large squares of lava (red pixels), disappearing tiles (green pixels), and rotating tiles (yellow). Mario/Luigi basically just runs around the “planet” of himself/his brother picking up 5 silver stars, making a power star, which ends all your troubles for the stage :D

In this stage, you are forced to pick up 100 out of 150 purple coins, most of which are inconveniently placed. The tiles have been changed slightly, as well. Instead of having the lava for red, which allowed you to bounce around with a flaming pair of pants multiple times, the lava is changed with what apparently is floating antimatter. Upon touching antimatter (note that this antimatter is acting more like quicksand), you drown in anitmatter. And on top of it all, you have a time limit that doesn’t happen to be very generous. To recap: about 1/3 of the tiles (green) disappear, and then you fall into a black hole if you don’t move quickly (usually to an adjacent green tile), which kills you. Another 1/3 of the tiles cannot be stepped on at all (purple), and will kill you, and the other tiles are yellow tiles that SLOOOOOOOOOOOOWLY turn and are very hard to stay on. In other words, hell. On a Luigi. IN OUTER SPACE! (I haven’t finished it yet >.<)

IMHO: Easiest Level In SMG: Painting The Planet Yellow (Flipswitch Galaxy)

Easy peasy. With some planning and the ability to jump, you basically walk on all the blue tiles, turning them yellow. Done quickly, it takes about 2 minutes or less. Note that there are spiked platforms, electric fences, and an shockwave generating robot. However, the planet is pretty small, and the galaxy has an exact, grand total of one planet and one power star. Note that the electric fences are easily jumped, the spiked platforms pause frequently, and the shockwave generator also makes waves that are easy to hop. Also, there are two coins on the planet, which heal health. Easy star.

A Note About Comets

All the major galaxies (having 3 main missions, two comet missions, and one or two secret missions) can be visited by “Prankster Comets” after progressing to a certain point in the game. There are 5 types of comets, most of them obnoxious.

  • Cosmic Comet: On the given galaxy, you race a Cosmic Mario to the star on a map. Usually there are no enemies. This is obnoxious due to the fact that you must perform almost perfectly to beat Mr. Cosmic, which is hard. Also, Cosmic boy is about the same speed as you, so catching up is very hard. Annoying.
  • Speedy Comet: On this galaxy with this comet, you have a time limit to finish the mission. This isn’t usually that annoying, but I HATE TIME LIMITS D:<
  • Daredevil Comet: This entails that you must complete a portion of a mission in the galaxy (usually a boss) with a maximum health of exactly 1. You cannot extend your health with a life mushroom, nor are there any coins to boost it up. This is very tense and is not recommended as a substitute for yoga.
  • Fast Foe Comet: The least annoying of the comets; all enemies move faster. Like Daredevil Comets, this only affects a specific portion of a mission.
  • Purple Comet: A display of the developer’s lack of creativity at creating comet names, the purple comet is one of the two comet missions for every major galaxy. Basically, you collect 100 purple coins hidden everywhere on the map. Sometimes there will be a time limit or extra coins. These rank just below Cosmic Comets in terms of evil. These comets are unlocked by completing the mission “Gateway’s Purple Coins”. Finding every coin requires a very accurate knowledge of where all the secrets on each planet are, which is precisely why IT IS OBNOXIOUS.

And thus ends this post.