O-NEG 15: Hell
The game is not, verbatim, called “hell”.
However, the game is, verbatim, “hell”.
A Generic Super Smash Bros. Brawl Review with A Generic Title (O-NEG 12)
DISCLAIMER: The following contains mentions of really old games. Or maybe not that old. But still. You may suffer from severe pangs of extreme boredom. I can’t think of anything else. Please see your physician if symptoms persist. I mean, symptom.
I understand that the game Super Smash Bros. Brawl was released a WHOLE THREE AND A QUARTER YEARS AGO GOLLY THAT’S SO !#@$#^%&^ OLD.
O-NEG 11: Amorphous+
A game of greatness
Amorphous+ stars a generic hero with a sword following the tradition of the Generic Stereotypical Odd-Coloured-Hair Japanese Hero Dude (As Seen In Final Fantasy) in that he has a RABIES (Really Antagonizing Big Indestructible Edged Sword) that is like three times longer than your arm span. Holy shi[pwreck fi]t. This sword cannot be broken, even if you 1. Smash it into a) a wall, b) a razor sharp thing held by a Gloople, or c) a boulder Gloople thing, 2. Get murdered by d) a Biter, which noms your face, e) a Fuzzle, which also noms your face, f) a Grinder, which contrary to popular belief does not actually gain levels for running over blue-jumpsuit-wearing GSO-C-HJHD(ASIFF)s, etc.
The Gameplay portion in A+ is very well executed; the controls are simple and easy to use. Most Glooples have a specific manner in which they are to be dispatched, which means that your GSO-C-HJHD(ASIFF) will be running around a Sharp, while pacifist’ing several lunging Biters until the Sharp is vulnerable, which is when you go SLASH. After SLASHing, you are of course mauled to death by the Biters.
Your… Character… follows your mouse wherever it is, and clicking causes him to swing his incredibly over-sized sword in a WHOOSH of destruction relatively quickly. However, the main fun about A+ is the fact that there are 110 achievements, some for doing nothing (Absentee – Leave Pause screen on for 3 minutes [medal picture depicts a toilet]), and some for being
What is particularly
about A+’s “Awards” is that for every 10 “Awards” earned, you will also earn a “Reward Key”, which surprisingly UNLOCK AN
“Reward”. After collecting a grand total of 10 Awards, an “Reward slot” is awarded. Award award award award award award award blah blah blah
Although it is possible to have 5 Rewards unlocked before the awesome arrival of the second Reward slot (@ 55 awards, which is easy peasy to earn :/), it is only possible to equip, at any time, the amount of Rewards on a 1-to-1 correspondence (That’s right, right?) to Reward slots. Or, in more internet-ish terms, one reward for each reward slot. Or, in even more internet terms, 1 R3\/\//-\R|) 4 34c|-| R3\/\//-\R|) $70’|’ (Personally, I think that type of 1337 is plain stupid).
There are essentially 19 characters in A+. 18 are blobs of some sort (Although calling a boulder a blob is pushing it).
In case you are interested, I will proceed to describe these Glooples/blobs in order of Bestiary (AKA official order). However, I will not bother to supply their name.
THE CAST OF AMORPHOUS+
- Green blob that walketh in a straight lineth. This cannot kill you. Bumping into it will stun you, nothing else. Capable of “reverse mitosis” (or combo-ing) with itself. Author’s Notes (AN): Basically cannon fodder/combo point multiplier fodder.
- Yellow squarish blob, also the straight lineth-eer. Also doesn’t kill you. Upon contact with anything (sword, another blob, you), goes FWOOSH and dumps a large pool of yellow crap on you that slows anything down. AN: The Crap Of Yellow also affects any Glooples generally smaller than trucks. To be precise, anything you-sized or smaller, including, naturally, you. Doesn’t affect, of course, boulders.
- Blue fanged blob. It chases you and if it gets close enough, it goes LUNGE I WANT YOUR BLOODDD. Most common thing to kill you. AN: Capable of reverse mitosis as well. You do NOT want that to happen.
- Orange “sqooshy” blob thing. Leaky. Very leaky once killed. Homes in on you, but not very quickly. Fragile as well. It’s not pee lemonade it leaks (not like mister yellow up there), but salsa. Or hot sauce. Very hot sauce apparently, because most things stepping in there melt dissolve. AN: Accidents happen. A lot.
- Light-blue spike-blob thing. It’s like “Roll Roll Roll” (McRoll = -.-) and also “VANT UR BLUD” guy. Must withdraw spikes if you want to kill it, which means getting behind it without slashing until it does so. AN: Get a certain item, and this is made loads easier. If you don’t get the Reward I have in mind, these are annoyinger than hell. Also, slashing at them while they’re spiky and all will still knock them back, and also possibly into other stuff…
- Purple grape. Also a follower. These guys are also annoying. They shoot mini purple grapes at you that slow you down. If you do get hit by them (easily dodgable, but still), spin around a lot to shake them off. These grapes will eventually grow up if not scared off the field (they run away). Also, killing a big grape leaves several baby grapes on the ground behind it, which must then be mopped up :/ AN: If you have too many grapes on you, you will not be able to move.
- Black shadowblobninjasamuraiblob (as shadowninjasamurai as a blob can get, at least). Not invisible, fortunately, but fairly quick and agile. It leaves a black trail in its wake. Also fragile. If killed by contact with anything, it leaves (again) a puddle of inkstuffmaybeitsoilithinkitsoilitsureactslikeoil that is slippery. Flammable, as in it exploders if it runs into a large fire. If what it hits happens to be you, the screen will turn black for several seconds, presumably the character being blinded. The game continues to play while this blindness occurs. AN: Explosions can kill you. Just a thought.
- Boulder. Slightly curves towards you, and also FREAKING HUGE, MAN. Hitting it with your regular sword doesn’t do anything. To make it vulnerable, it must a) be hit by another boulderblobthingnotreallyablobbecauseitsaboulder, b) run into orangeblobgoo, or c) be hit by an explosion (this is rare). Runs over pretty much ANYTHING. AN: Takes 5 hits after vulnerability to kill it, which sucks.
- A grizzly bear blob. It takes three hits to kill. After two hits, it becomes shaved (it’s furry brown) and tries to run away. It regrows its hair after awhile. Also, in fuzzy form, it can survive orangeblobgoo (but it will be shaved afterwards). AN: They act a lot like the blue blobs, but they pause before “Murderous Lunge”. Also, this is starting to look like a Pokedex. “Gotta Kill Em All”, except in Pokemon, they pretend dead Pokemon are “fainted”. Yes, that’s right, those Pokemon Centers have Necromancy Lv. 192804751876. ZOMBIE PIKACHU!
- Big Green Blob. The result of green blob mitosis. Actually follows you, but slowly. Is not able to run over as many things as the boulderblobthatisnotablob, but still pretty wreckingball-esque. Takes three hits to sploosh. AN: Not much to say here, move along. It kills you by rolling onto you, in which case it digests you. Nom.
- Flaming bomb blob (not to be confused with flaming anyothertypeofblobprettymuchblob). If you slash it while alight, it’ll blow the F_ _ _ up on your face and kill you, leaving a large fire (the kind that blows up shadowblob into another explosion, leaving another large fire). It’s flames will eventually recede (they’ll also recede immediately if they run into yellow lemonade pools or hot sauce lava), in which case it can be slashed without the explosion, but they’ll relight after running into a large fire. AN: Kinda annoying because of the “must wait so you don’t die immediately” feature. Kinda. Kinda. A lot. Follows you.
- Icy blob. It can’t kill you, fortunately. Also fragile (“fragile” means bumping into it causes it to a-splode). REALLY FAST AND CURVES WELL TOO. Can’t really outrun it so much as dodge it. If it does explode, most things within a certain radius get frozen. If frozen, move mouse up and down to break out. When frozen, you are “fragile”. Frozen blobs award no points. AN: ANNOYING. Must kill quickly and also must mouse spazz quickly.
- Metal blob with mini tentacles. It hardens quickly when slashed if not done well. When you do slash it well, you’ll have to do it again. And once more. Also chases you. If you’re far enough from it, it’ll extend a tentacle to spear you and then OM NOM NOM NOM NOM. AN: Did I forget to mention that those big green blobs become these through more reverse mitosis with more (small) green blobs? Also, it’s vulnerable while it’s poking it’s spear out (not while withdrawing it).
- Lighter green big blob. It REALLY OMNOMNOMNOMNOMs the heck out of stuff. It takes a lot of hits. With each hit, it shrinks a bit. It eats things smaller than it, making it grow. It’ll also split sometimes. AN: Fast and agile as well. Kinda annoying.
- The “Horror”. This is the actual name of this thing. The Horror. OH THE HORROR, the HORROR. THE HORRORRRR. Gah. It is basically two bluelungeblobsofdeath mitosis’d. It doesn’t lunge. Oh no. It runs you over. It’s a big (big green blob sized, actually) spinning, blue sawblade of DEATH. Like a lawn mower. It occasionally shoots little fatal fangs. Sometimes it’ll shoot four mini blue slicers, leaving a blue core. THIS IS YOUR CHANCE. KILL IT QUICKLY WHILE IT’S VULNERABLE, BECAUSE THOSE THINGS WILL COME BACK SOON AND IT’LL PROBABLY RUN YOU OVER LATER. Also, really annoying. AN: Beware the fangs. Also, it won’t reveal the core unless you’re far enough. The Horror of it all.
- A purple octopus of longer-tentacles and even more shadowninjasamuraiblob awesome. Although it only takes one hit to kill, IT IS DANGER ☢CAUTION!☢ ☢CAUTION!☢ ☢CAUTION!☢ (extreme amounts of awesome detected) OUS. If not performing Attack 3, it will use Attack 1, which is a gravity veil-thing that somewhat pulls you towards its center, and when you are close enough it performs Attack 2, which is to send out a ripplingwaveofdeaththatskindalikeanexplosionbutstill. Attack 1 usually stops after awhile, but do not, under pretty much any circumstances, get anywhere close to this blob while it does this. Also, it is made by r-mitosis between a metalgearsolidblob and a regular small green blob. AN: Attack 3, BTW, is a charged attack. Basically, the purple thing gather matter in front of it and SHOOP DA F_ _ _ ING WHOOP, a laser comes out of nowhere and disintegrates (almost) anything that touches it. This is the only time (while it charges and while it’s shooting) when this thing is vulnerable (e.g. can be attacked without using Attack 2 on your sorry tailless back end). Also note that the laser doesn’t move and that it pulls stuff towards it.
- A red string of blobs with two golden swords. This is a blob that appears near the end of a “nest”. It tries to cleave you into two. It will do this by: a) Lunging towards you with one sword, then another lunge with the other. (Very long ranged attack), b) Half-heartedly swinging one sword at you, c) Jumping backwards and swinging both swords forwards, kinda like safety scissors, except not safe, or d) You walking into one of its blades. The main way to kill it is by slashing while it lunges. AN: The timeframe for killing the blobstringthingblob is very small. This is ridiculously hard.
- A RAZOR QUEEN, ahiddenbossoho (another use of the official name). This will own you. It’ll own you with it’s awesome golden tail that will own you or it’s awesome golden side leg sword things that will own you or it’s pair of golden swords that you will own-* I mean, will own you. It takes 5 good hits to kill it, and they have to be when it lunges, and to it’s head-part-thing-blob-part. It will enter the screen with a lunge (it will spread both it’s main swords and LUNGGGGGGE), which is your cue to dodge to the side of the head and give a good slash. The Razor Queen will also consistenly drop black-blue mini spike things that will walk around randomly. If you get too close to these, they will pause and explode with teethy goodbadness. The R-Queen will also randomly enter Siege Form. This is when it stops moving and starts SHOOTING. This is supremely bad. You must then dodge all the fangs, drill mites, and spiny jacks it then proceeds to blast-, no, shoot-, no, fire-, no, spew** at you at pretty high speed. Fangs are basically just bullets and jacks are basically portable pieces of cover (for the fangs) that it also shoots at you (note: walking into them results in impalement). The drill mites are a different story. These jerks follow you underground at decent speeds, and when they get really close to you, they’ll just go “POP” out of the ground and try to run you through. If the mite misses, it’ll re-enter the ground again and continue chasing you until you destroy it, which you do by swinging while it is out of the ground (e.g. trying to kill you). With luck, the R-Queen will not throw these things at you (With more luck, the R-Queen will not even enter Siege Form, but that’s wishful thinking right there). After several seconds of sieging your face, the R-Queen will start moving again and will be vulnerable all over again. AN: HARDEST>F…ING>BOSS>IN>THE>G>A>M>E. Also appears late in the nest.
- The last character in A+… is the player character. And all his dead clones, just lying in some shallow grave somewhere out there, still wearing their blue jumpsuits.
A+ has some real addicting gameplay up it’s sleeve, but getting every one of the 110 awards is a pain (Hardest Achievement: either “Queensbane“, ““, “Merciless“, “Untouchable“, “Unbelievable Combo“, “Killer Swing“, or “Legend“.****)
This is a description of all the awards in appearance: Gold, Silver, or Bronze medals with a black picture on them and a design of the ribbon part.*****
Rating: 10/10 (Go Play This Game Right Now. Also, Wear An Aluminum Foil Hat, Because Otherwise This Game’s Awesomely Epic Win Leetness And Ownage Will Rock Your Clock And Sock That Rock While Logging That Noggin)
*It’s a reference to this manzai (TH M1, 2nd). Also, you get to have one of its swords if you beat it outside of practice mode.
** (WARNING: Link leads to TVTropes. Houraiguy is not responsible for hours days weeks years spent following up to this one link***. Seriously, the amount of links there is insane.)
*** I suppose you could sue TVTropes…? Nahhh.
**** Queensbane: “Awarded for splatting 3 Queens [the red string of blobs with two golden swords]. Cat-like reflexes, iron concentration, and a healthy dose of luck to boot. Or you’re just that leet.” : “Awarded for splatting a Razor Queen. You are now entitled to boast to your friends that you beat the boss of this game. Ignore confused looks of skepticism.” Merciless: “Awarded for splatting 2 Razor Queens. Anyone can stumble through something impressive once. Consider this proof of your awesomeness.” Untouchable: “Awarded for surviving 10 minutes in Bounty Run mode [survival mode]. I can only assume you’ve reached some sort of ninth-level-zen-state to keep it going for a whole ten minutes. There is no fear- there is only the Force” Unbelievable Combo: “Awarded for splatting 8 Glooples in a single swing. What the… how do you even FIT eight Glooples into one swing arc?? You cheated somehow didn’t you… don’t lie to me.” Killer Swing: “Awarded for splatting 300 bounty worth of Gloople in a single swing. Now that’s how you use a preposterously out of size sword. Cloud who.” Legend: “Awarded for scoring 3000 points in any mode. Holy crap, what are you, a freaking Jedi?!”. Other humourous descriptions of awards: Dedicated: “Awarded for dying 50 times. Somewhere out there, there’s a graveyard full of your failures.” Impressionist: “Awarded for splatting four different types of Glooples in one single swing. Not just instant abstract art, but one of the toughest achievements in the game. Congratulations.” Black Mark: “Awarded for splatting an Inkie [the black shadowblobninjasamuraiblob]. Bonus points if you thought of Rorschach***** and saw a pony.” Sick Combo: “Awarded for slashing 6 Glooples in a single swing. Now that’s a great swing. Opportunity knocked, and you slashed the crap out of it.” Bragging Rights: “Awarded for clearing a Huge Single Nest. Roses are red. Violets are blue. All my base are belong to you.” Academic: “Awarded for spending 10 minutes total in Practice mode. The pen is mightier than the sword. Except in this game. Cuz there’s no pen. And the sword is really big.” Massive Swing: “Awarded for splatting 150 worth of bounty in a single swing. A swing like that shows some pretty deft tactics. Either that or blind luck, but we’ll stick with the tactics thing.” Mad Skills: “Awarded for clearing a Big Single Nest. Your name shall strike terror into the hearts of Glooples for ages to come. If they had hearts. Okay, their goo, then.” Bloodletter: “Awarded for being killed 5 different ways. Variety is the spice of life. Also, apparently, messy bloody death.” Gorehound: “Awarded for being killed in 10 different ways. Burned, bisected, bitten, melted, impaled, shattered, mauled, and beheaded. And your insurance premiums are probably none to pretty either.” Threat Assessment: “Awarded for surviving 10 minutes in Bounty Run mode without dying. Assuming you aren’t a sissy or didn’t have the difficulty ramp set on low, that’s actually pretty good. Otherwise, well… you’re a sissy.”
***** As in the inkblot test. I’ve saved you the trouble of going to Wikipedia. Tips, please.
O-NEG 10: Colour Theory
Alright, this is a game called Colour Theory. When I first read the instructions, I was like, holy crap, what is this? After, I decided to try playing it. The game came to me pretty easily, there were two types of levels. Levels that required skill and levels that required intellect. On the first level, you should encounter an image similar to this. Only without that many rectrangles. Anyways, this is an awesome game, go play it.
After touching one of the crosses, all of the rectangles of the same colour will disappear. In some instances, this is good. In others, it is bad. In the picture below, the robot will die.
The goal, it appears to be a portal. Upon touching it, your robot will disintegrate then all pieces will enter the portal. This is probably because your robot has had too much cake.
In addition to falling off the screen, your robot can die in other ways such as encountering an enemy or impaling himself on some spikes.
Graphics: Really simple, pixel pack actually
Replayability: There is no point, not even the tiniest bit
Gameplay: Some of the levels are purely based on skill, you can spend 20 minutes continuously doing a level, those levels are really annoying, other than that, it’s pretty fun
Concept: It’s new. Like awesome new. Like O-new. I like it.
~Laziness prevails, I’m too lazy to create the rest of this post~
O-NEG 9: INQUISITIVE DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAVE
DAVE DAVE DAAAAAAAAAAAAAVE DAVVVVVE DAVEEEEEE D-D-D-D-D-DAVE BREAKER D-D-D-D-D-D-D-DOMBO DREAKER
So yes, I have internet connection while on vacation! I can post! I can be up to date on my one-person video subscriptions[EDIT: Not enough internet to actually do this.]! AND DAAAAAVE
>-Actual O-NEG Begins Here
Inquisitive Dave is a game. Games are this.* ID (cue Koishi danmaku and Freudian quotes) is about a person named Dave. He presumably goes around SAVING THE WORLDDDD-DAVE DAVE DAVE RAVE.
[Some people may notice at this point that I feel all rave-y today RAVE ON DAVE
ID uses the mouse FOR ONLY ONE PURPOSE. This is to regain focus on the Adoozy Falsh control thingamajigger if focus is lost. Otherwise, use WASD/<^>v ** and SPACE AND THE GALAAAAAXYBAR/Enter.
List1: Things Dave Can Do
Dave can JUMP.*** Press W or ^.
Dave can MOVE UPUPDOWNDOWNLEFTRIGHTLEFTRIGHTBASELECTSTART****
Dave can SAVE THE WORLD 
List2: Things Fatal To Dave
- Water: DAVE CAN’T SWIMMMM- blub
- Guns: DAVE HAS NO BULLET TIME
- Crocodiles: ITS SOOPER EFFEKTIV
- Antlions: The ones from Tremors.
- Poisonous-To-Dave Berries: They’re deadly POISON! ALSO ADDICTIVE OR SOMETHING!
- The End Of The World: 2012
- Wizard (EVIL): Shoots an Electric Zap. See Electric Zap.
- Electric Zap: See WIZARD
>–Back To The O-NEG Here
ID: This is like a Point-And-Click game (It’s a Falsh game, remember? KONGREGATE FTW), except without the use of the SACRED MOUSE. And with sarcastic comments.
List3: Sarcastic Quotes From ID:*****
- “It’s a puddle. You’d better hurry up and escape soon because there’s a dripping up in the ceiling; the water level could reach a whole foot in the next millenia or two.”
- (Outside of prison, talking to prison guard for your cell) “Go away. I’m guarding the prisoner.” (You are the prisoner :/)
- “It’s some of that Awesomade. Didn’t they stop making that after that kid’s eyes fell out?”
- (Intro) Dave: “If only there was some sort of guiding player to make decisions for me!”
Thus we see that ID has a sense of humour. ID does seem to have an awful amount of walking back and forth, but the humour is very well implemented (Thus we see ID is more like a humour romp than a game~). The FINAL BOSS is also pretty creatively made (HINT: CAMPING RAVE RAVE RAVE).
By the way, you haven’t learned anything from reading this post. Hurrrrm. Also, the link is here.
FINAL REVIEW: 8.9/10
*Or at least Super Mario Galaxy 2 is that.
***So can Greg~.
****He can’t actually move down w/out gravity. He can’t move selectstartba either :/
*****Not direct quotes.
O-NEG 8: Killzone 2
Apologies to everyone for not posting for so long! (Blame Infinity Ward and their awesome Modern Warfare 2 game for doing so)
Alright everyone! This is Killzone 2, a First Person Shooter that is much more better than Battlefield Heroes! (Apologies Houraiguy, but BFH lags like frigging hell. :/)
^Alright Creepy Alien soldier with glaring red eyes!
Anyways, the storyline is based around two sides, the ISA, the good guys, ( even though they decided to invade Helghan) and the Helghast, which are the glowing red eyes soldier people. BTW, the Helghast are just regular humans with freaky helmets, so that overall summarizes it. The ISA send forces after forces to Helghan, attempting to rule T3H UNIVERSE! Scolar Visari, the leader of the Helghan, decide to defend the planet. You control Sergeant Sevchenko, and you attack these random people with assault rifles, sniper rifles, flamethrowers, etc. etc.
The campaign storyline is crappy, but then first-person shooters never did have a storyline in the first place. Name one first person shooter that has a good storyline. (Metal Gear is a third person) Exactly. Anyways, the enemy AI is amazing. First of all, they are not blind, and will see if you throw a grenade, and then scatter. Secondly, they actually take heavy cover, and they have amazingly large amounts of health. Approximately 1/3 of your assault rifle magazine will kill it, and its hard because of how much they duck and cover.
In addition, you are provided with a wealth of ammunition and weaponry, so you don’t have to worry about running out of ammunition that much. Overall, the weapons damage is measured precisely, so that means grenades don’t react like missiles. >.> In addition, recoil, movement, and everything else is extremely smooth in the campaign that is. (In Multiplayer, you start randomly flying through buildings when you die. Then again, all multiplayer shooters (except for MGS4 WOO!) have this, so meh) In Killzone 2, there are obviously checkpoints. However, unlike Metal Gear Solid 4, you start freezing and otherwise known as “lagging” like mad, until you pass the checkpoint. I find this somewhat takes away from the experience, so that takes away 0.5 from the overall score.
If you’re going to play the game for campaign, don’t buy it. If you’re playing for multiplayer as well, DEFINITELY BUY IT! The multiplayer is amazing. Why? Because its a complete killzone. Unlike Modern Warfare 2, where you’re stuck with only 12 players in one game, Guerilla bumped it up to an astonishing 32. Literally, its a killfest with grenades flying everywhere. In addition, you level up through the ranks, earning more weaponry, (sadly uncustomizable) that you can use to kick butt.
Most people like me play Modern Warfare 2 like I do. Here is a tip. DO NOT EXPECT TO KICK ASS AT BOTH GAMES SIMULTANEOUSLY! Firstly, it is two completely different game styles. Killzone is a killfest with no strategy whatsoever, while Modern Warfare 2 requires stealth in a way (cuz your health is puny) and you also need to use things like Harrier Airstrikes, etc. In addition, the maps are much more different. Killzone 2=dark, gloomy maps with wide open areas where you can open fire like mad. (rat tat tat) Modern Warfare 2=a whole variety of maps. In Killzone 2, all you have to get used to, is to shoot whatever moves. Thus, I play Killzone 2, when I simply want to shoot and not think. :)
O-NEG 7: Flandre’s Quest
One day, Flandre wakes up and BASHES HER WAY OUT OF THE ACCURSED SCARLET DEVIL MANSION WHICH HAS TRAPPED HER FOR CENTURIES. FINALLY, SHE IS FREE FROM THE SHACKLES OF IMPRISONMENT BESTOWED UPON HER BY HER VILE SISTER. SEEKING DESTRUCTION IN EVERY FORM, SHE DIVES TOWARDS THE HAKUREI SHRINE TO SHATTER IT INTO TINY, UNRECOGNIZABLE SHARDS OF DUST.
Then she realizes that Reimu’s a fellow vampire like her, so they decide to TAKE OVER THE WORLD. But to do that first, they must KILL THE SECOND MOST IMPORTANT CHARACTER IN TOUHOU – Marisa.
They meet ALICE WHO TELLS THEM THAT MARISA IS, IN REALITY, A CREEPY DOLL OTAKU.
Flandre says something SMART.
Finally, THEIR FLAN IS IN PLACE. Plan.
THEY GO TO THE FOREST OF MAGIC
AND WIN THE GAME!
…Actually, Flan’s trying to find a birthday present for Marisa.
Cute little game that has nothing to do with world domination at all.
There are some flaws that I can see; namely that Flan’s room shouldn’t really have light coming out of it, and the absence of a picture for inside the Scarlet Devil Mansion. Also, the preferences and options at the beginning of the game are just way too overwhelming – and every single one of those preferences are unnecessary.
There’s also 80 saveslots for the game, when the whole thing takes about 15 minutes or so.
Flandre’s Quest is just a nice, relaxing brainless point n’ click; so if you’ve got nothing to do or are in a mentally depressed state of comatose, you can give this a try.
Not by any means canon, though >_>
O-NEG 6: Touhou 8: Touhou Eiyashou / Imperishable Night
[Wait, that looks like “one gone gone gone gone gone gone gone goneg…”]
[MUSHYHIJACK: Cause when you start playing this game you know you’re gone gone gone gone gone… to hell (that well off the coast of Finland)]
So, as mushy and darkflareknight (should cough should *expectantlookhere*) know, the Touhou series revolves around a series of characters who shoot stuff and stuff that is shooting at them, which is why they are shooting at the things that are firing (“What? They’ll kill me if I don’t kill them!”). Due to the fact that you have no health bar, you get OHKO’d upon coming in contact with enemy glowy-orbs (read: “Danmaku”, meaning “bullet hell” or “curtain fire” or “HOLY CHRIZZZZ…IZZLE…-O…-IO…-EIEIO…-” etc.
(Houraiguy takes a break here as he goes off to play Frantic 1, (http://www.kongregate.com/games/polymerrabbit/frantic) testing his skills in a hopeless endeavor to acquire an impossible badge. Status: Got hit on the FIRST STAGE. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU… but I finished Ep. 1 Frantic 2 on Frantic mode)
In Imperishable Night, you are tasked with discovering who committed THE UNPRECEDENTED SERIOUS AFFAIR in this game; namely that SOMEONE has done SOMETHING (Note: This happens for every single Touhou game, but only Imperishable Night does the following), which in this case is that AN UNKNOWN PERSON has DONE SOMETHING to the MOON, e.g. replace it with something false, e.g. a fake moon, on a certain day, e.g. the eve of a festival, e.g. a moon-viewing festival, which might affect it in some way, e.g. make there not be a festival, and so on.
On the path to the place where the person who committed the USA, there is one (1) firefly (weak), one (1) night sparrow (eaten), one (1) teacher (regular), one (1) shrine maiden OR one (1) robber/magician/witch, followed by one (1) moon rabbit (suppos-), and either one (1) genius OR one (1) …person WHO COMMITTED THE USA in co-ordination with the genius and the supp…, er, rabbit.
Basically, you shoot people down while not getting hit by the things the people you are shooting are shooting at you. This is pretty fun.
After completing the “Start” mode on any difficulty with no continues, the …person asks you to assassinate their rival, which you go and do (this mode is called “Extra Start”). Actually, you try and do it, but fail epicly in most examples. Before reaching the assassination target, who is immortal (something the equally immortal …person neglected to tell you), you have to beat the teacher AGAIN, except the teacher is more evil and is a were-something, and is stronger due to the fact that you replaced the real full moon in “Start” mode, so you beat down the teacher and meet the immortal, who fries you to a crisp in about 1 minute to 10 minutes, depending on how many bombs you have and how good you are at evading danmaku. Case in point:
That’s one of the easy ones.
AND TO THE REVIEW PART
Gameplay: If you don’t suck, it’s pretty fun: 87/100
Graphics: Pretty good, nice effects. 93/100
Sound: Touhou music is the best music, hands down. SFX are also good. 100/100
Plotline: Just up there with the Mario games; sucks. -/100
Overall, it’s not bad to get: 92/100. At the very least, listen to Immortal Smoke.
And: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Nb5Ohbt1Sg: Extra stage actually finished.
O-NEG 5: Battlefield Heroes
Holy hell, a review! And not just any review, it’s a O-NEG review.
Battlefield Heroes is a game in which you shoot enemies and capture flags that control spawning. BFH is made for the PC platform/computer and is completely free. Download it somewhere, like the BFH website, which you can go Google it up, you completely lazy (All semi-inappropriate words to profane words have been censored with odd sounding rhymes.) [brass] [mole]. (Certain words in this O-NEG are in boldface to indicate that they are bold. No, seriously, they just are all the 1,000,000th visitor to this site.) [Duck] [shoe].
Gameplay: The Part Of The Game Which You Play
BFH is controlled by both mouse and keyboard. There are 7 (or so) maps in BFH, all with weird alliterative names (e.g. Sunset Showdown, Buccaneer Bay, Victory Village, etc.).
In 6 of these maps, the game works by the use of 4 flags (3 on Sunset Showdown) capturable by each team. If your owns a flag, respawning may happen in an area close to your flag, usually a flag that is a) closer to the center of the map, and b) on your team’s (either National [Axis] or Royal [Allied]) side of the map. Capturing the flag is done by standing within a certain radius of the flag, a process sped up by having other friendly units capture the flag simultaneously. Guns and other weapons of that type that can kill people are use to kill people, something accomplished by clicking or holding down LMB (Left Mouse Button). By being killed by the opposition, your team loses tickets, a number shown on the upper end of the screen. When a team reaches zero tickets, they lose (tickets begin at 50).
The other map with different rules is called Midnight Mayhem, in which your team must control the rocket, an object that blast off to (presumably) either Soviet Russia or Somewhere Royalish. Your team must control the rocket for a total of five nerve-breaking, hand-straining, etc. minutes to make it go (presumably) boom in either Soviet Russia or Somewhere Royalish. Gaining control of the rocket is as easy as standing close enough to the rocket and not dying until the colours on the rocket change. 88% out of a 100% O-NEG’S-HARDY-HAR-HAR (O-New’s Newest Egotist Gamers’ Sponsorship- Hourai’s Assortedly Random Derogatory Yttrium-Heaped Armed Red-Handed Appreciative Rating. I made that up on the spot O.o)
Guns: Things You Shoot People With
The guns of BFH are bought from the “store” of the game. This store accepts both in-game money and real money, but you can only use a weapon for a finite amount of time with Valour Points (in-game money earned from playing game). Weapons are all fairly balanced, barring Carl’s Cold Comfort (“That’s what she said!”) or Ludwig’s Loaded, due to the fact that these weapons suck [sock], because (note: both are identical) of both a [witty] damage and a [wucking] small clip of 6 bullets (Long Range pistols [Gerhart’s Greatest and Harry’s Hand Cannon] have 2 extra bullets and function like sniper rifles with improved range and firing speed, making them superior is most respects, while Short Range pistols [Florenz’ Flurry and Garrett Custom] have more bullets, incredible firing speed, and the quickly-unloaded clip of 12 bullets deals insane damage @ very close ranges). Some weapons will repetitively be killing you (and you will be swearing “[duck] you!” a lot), chief among them The Cheeser/The Backscratcher (Short Range MG), Pipsqueak’s Popper/Stephan’s Sharpshooter (High Recoil-High Damage Sniper Rifle), and Royal Super Knife/Konrad’s Uber Knife (knives.) You will also probably be killed by the improved/unimproved versions of these weapons, due to their improvements/unimprovements in power/lack of power.
Because you can’t keep guns without paying real money, the weapon system in this game is kinda lame; weps are temporary unless bought w/ BattleFunds, e.g. THINGS YOU HAVE TO BUY WITH REAL MONEY. EA, you [truckers]! Corporate greed. 73% out of a 100% O-NEG’S-HARDY-HAR-HAR.
Community People and Other Crap
First off, enemies level 1 through 5 are generally idiotic to Away From Keyboard in their skill, but upwards of that, opponents can get hard to beat. Also, there are no in-game moderators, albeit there being people using a “|ccc|” code in front of their username, turning it orange, but due to the fact that there are no admins in-game, they must be false… etc. Swearing is censored in-game, which prevents players from calling each other bleepers or motherbleepers. Smug egotists are expected. 73% out of a 100% O-NEG’S-HARDY-HAR-HAR.
Graphics and Pretty Pictures
Apparently, BFH is aimed at a younger audience, as there is no blood, no clean-slicing-of-people-in-exact-halves-after-being-wingclipped-which-is-really-fun-to-do, and no flat-people-that-have-been-roadkilled-which-is-also-fun-todo-to-other-people; the game’s recommended age is 16 though (I think). Graphics are kinda CARTOONY, but at “high” level of graphics the game looks decent. 70% out of 100%.
What plotline? N/A% out of 100%.
Get it if you don’t have any other FPS’ (note that BFH is a third person shooter) and have a decent internet connection. Hell, it’s free.
O-NEG 3: The Company of Myself
This game. Is about a hermit.
The first level, simple and easy. Just walk over to the green box.
When you’re half-way there, new text appears.
You have now completed the first level. The instructions are easy to understand, it’s in clear text. Also, the music that accompanies it is beautiful. Things like this attract you to this game and make you want to continue playing.
Also, there is a lot of humour embedded into the dialogue of the hermit. The game continues like so until the main character learns how to create clones! (Agent Smith LOLOLOL)
Clones are transparent-y ghosty things. Shift key to make one.
The hermit continues to ramble on about stuff until there’s this flashback section. Everything is all staticky, however, there is a girl with him this time. There are a couple of levels where they have to work together, in the final flashback level, the girls has to die in order to pass the level.
The rest of the levels are simple, upon beating the game, there is a large body of text in a pretty nice font, it slowly moves down. After this cut scene, you return to the main menu screen.
Graphics: It’s nice and simple but at the same time complex. This is probably cause it’s not just a fill bucket done on an image editing software, it’s this picture that actually looks like ground. 4.5/5
Concept: Cloooooones are new for me. This game isn’t so much the game; it’s a work of art itself. Games like “Don’t look back”, “The Company of Myself” and “Loved” should be labeled something special. Abstract maybe? 5/5
Game play: The levels slowly build up, each time introducing a new skill. You have learned how to jump! After that there are a couple of challenging-ish levels. By the time you’re thinking of leaving, there are the flashback levels. The game is balanced, makes you want to keep playing. 5/5
Replayability: I would replay this game anyday. Other people, maybe not. 4/5
There’s a reason why this game is number one for the puzzle games. It’s that good. Go play it.
O-NEG 2: Epic War 3
I have to go to sleep because I’m going to sleep soon so I’ll make the review one big, long, run-on sentence. Without any punctuation. All typed in caps.
EPIC WAR 3 IS LIKE A SUPER-DUPER AWESOME GAME WITH EXTREMELY GOOD GRAPHICS- Just kidding. This will be a proper O-neg.
The glorious title screen. Wait. Is that a walkthrough button? Why is it even there? Who uses walkthroughs? That just spoils the game! Remove that button!
When the game starts, you are required to pick a hero. Obviously, you have no clue which hero is the best, and therefore you pick the one with the coolest art. I picked the one with zoooooombies. Then, you are led to a map with several castles, you have to choose a castle and attack it.
You see one unit ready, your hero. You press forward, that’s the only button there is. Yay, you just killed a zombie! You see more units accumulating so you press the forward button about 50 more times.
After pressing it the forward button nearly over 9000 times, all your units have been built and you’re at the end of the field, chopping away at his castle. Good job, you destroyed this castle, it is now yours.
It’s not all that easy though. As your hero levels up, you get more cards. That’s good. You get more mana. That’s good. However, revenge waves are initiated once you start attacking the castle. Usually they are about 50 monsters, this means while you’re chopping away at his castle, 50 units start charging you eliminating all hope of destroying the castle. You continue to grind through these levels, upgrading cards along the way. The last level has a little surprise though. First, the revenge waves send about 50 units, then it send another 50. And another 50. Oh yeah, just to let you know, the AI also sends a titan. Since your hero has already died, nearly all your units are at very low health, you have no choice but to retreat and send a spell.
WOOHOO! After farming, grinding and more grinding, you finish the game! IT’S NOT OVER THOUGH, YOU GET TO DO THAT AGAIN, 5 MORE TIMES UNTIL YOU’VE BEATEN THE GAME WITH ALL 6 HEROS AND ATTAINED ALL THE CARDS. Oh boy. Most normal people don’t even bother completing it a second time let alone a third time. The only reason why I continued griding is cause of the “cave of trials”. These are basically reliving the last level again, except they send a specific titan and after you beat the game, you get the titan. :O
Gameplay, 4 or 9/10 (In the beginning, it’s pretty fun but gets somewhat boring at the end). Art, 5 or 10/10 (Every single castle has a different background. Also the 30 cards/units that were designed are really awesome). Concept, 7/10 (This is the 3rd epic war game, however, they changed the concept quite a bit, not just upgrading everything with better art, etc, etc.). Replayability 4/10 (The cave of trials is enticing but doing the same thing over and over again 6 times is… stupid.)
If you like Epic war 3, then go play epic war 4, it’s coming out in around a month!
O-NEG 1: Snail
Thus begins the first O-New’s Next Entertaining Game (Review/Look/Advertisement) with a… game, Snail…!
“It is said that every full moon on a cloudy night, a small creature is granted a wish…”
And your goal is to make that wish come true, the wish for immortality!
You guide a small, slow, snail on its quest to NOM SIGN EAT EVERYTHING and in the process, possibly live forever…
It’s really not much of a game, more of an art-slideshow, yet the art isn’t so good either. It’s because of that, that its art isn’t professionally good and the game is basically tape your right arrow key to the keyboard, that it’s brilliant.
I mean, look at this. This is so simple and cartoonish that it’s simply amazing.
Honestly, this can’t even begin to compare with the better games that are released, but we all need to relax once in a while and realize that a game, really is just, a game…
Sound was amazing too, though most likely not original. The ending slideshow was so good that I went through the game twice just to see it again…
All in all, it’s a great game if you just want to relax, but if you want something that you can actually play, I wouldn’t recommend this…
Gameplay, 5 or 9/10 (I mean, it’s so simple even trolls would understand, which is both good and bad). Art, 5 or 8/10 (Simplicity once again is a double-sided blade or whatever). Concept, 9/10 (Well, it’s… new, for me). Replayability 3/10 (The last slideshow is good, but…)
Well, I suppose it does have more of a replayability if you just want to collect every last achievement…
On a side note, this is where I just want to smack Kongregate’s players in the face another time. With a spiked baseball bat.
Apparently, they’re ranting about how “Kongregate forced us to play this game”. Well, oh gee it must be the developer’s fault for making his game get badges because totally developers choose whether they get a badge or not. And, oh, I remember now, apparently getting all easy achievements was mandatory or else the Kongregate mafia would hunt you down and kill you. So that must be why you have to play this game.
If you don’t want to play it, just don’t freaking play it. Badges are badges. They are symbols that show you’ve completed something. Before, when you did something like finish the game, nobody would notice, but now they do because of badges. Badges aren’t something to strive towards. It’s a side reward after you do something.
Sure, you can say it’s not a game. But what’s the definition of a game? It’s something that requires user input. This requires user input. You need to press and hold the right button. Sure, you could say that that’s too easy to be a game, but what about sniper games? All you need to do is click the mouse! And tower defence, you only need to click the mouse multiple times as well! Besides, a game is a game, who cares about the definition? It got a badge, you probably got the badge, and if you hate the game keep your comments to yourself, because you probably only got there because of the badge. Honestly, in my opinion people who play games purely for badges should be disallowed to comment, for they are most of the time terribly biased. “Oh this badge is too hard 1/5” Yeah, good for you. The badge isn’t too hard. You just suck too much.
Well, at least the rest of Kong’s community are awesome enough to downrate the trolls who go “1/5” at everything. But still, that doesn’t do anything. Kongregate needs a paradigm shift past this badge-oriented activity and into actual gaming, when we’d play for fun, not rewards. If you play just for badges, that’s basically like a Chinese gold farmer, who plays because he has to. Now, he actually does have to play to survive but if you’re on a flash game site like Kongregate, where you don’t get any monetary rewards for playing, where’s the necessary incentive? What makes you “have” to play? If we cut down the internet connection, would you die because you didn’t get a badge?
Nope, sorry. Unless you were stupid enough to commit suicide.
Anyways, [/rant] and play Snail…! It’s an awesome game, but… well, let’s just say don’t play it if you’re running out of time…
^ Touhou melody remix…!