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Posts tagged “Super Mario Galaxy

Arbitrary Definition: “Super Mario Galaxy”

-in progress-

Super Mario Galaxy. Sooooooooooooooooooooo-per Mah-ri-o Gal-axe-ee. (P. N.) “Super Mario Galaxy” refers to the commonplace Wii title of 2000-something (2006? 05?) in which a certain ubiquitous plumber goes off on a certain ubiquitous journey to rescue a certain ubiquitous (PROFANITY) from a certain ubiquitous turtle with an awesome shell. This particular installation in the “Mario” series differs from several other mainstream parts of said series in that it occurs in the evil depths of F(PROFANITY)ING SPACE, au contraire a la shitfeste, pardon moi Francais. This particular alien concept differs from most of these previous shitfestes (continue to pardon moi Francais: gain three Player and three Bomb, resets score and dooms thoust to est Bad Ending; ignore poor Francais: continue reading) in that one must deal with the constraints of 3-D platforming, a concept encountered only in Super Paper Mario, Super Mario Sunshine, Super Mario 64, Super Papier Mache Mario, Super Mario Darkness, Super Mario 65, Super Cellophane Mario, Super Mario Moonshine Drinking Contest Hur Hur Hurrrr, Super Mario 9001, Super Doot Mario, Super Super Super Super Mario Super The MovieGame, etc. Thus doing the “goomba hop” no longer translates to a bloody goomba-gut fest in which the player holds down the “jump” button while a consecutive line of spawning goombas emerge from a spawning warp pipe installed in the F(PROFANITY)ING side of the earthen wall to the right-wards side of the screen until said player reaches 99 lives and/or player runs out of time but rather transforms itself in to a Mario-gut fest with Mario consistently running into Goombas, a process not at all prevented by the poor implementation of the camera system. Nintendo, you a JERKKKKK

Super Mario Galaxy’s main story launches off with the entirely unpredictable opening in which a [Rude cross between the words “Bee” and “Ostrich”] of a Princess gets KIDNAPPERED by a Bowser the 108,489,139,047th. Bowser the one hundred and eight billion four hundred and eighty nine million one hundred thirty nine thousand and forty seventh differs from his 108,489,139,046 predecessors in that he chooses to employ a F(PROFANITYYYYYYYYY)ING fleet of FLYING-[Profane word here roughly translates to “Pair of Buttocks, singular form”] SAUCERS WITH

LAZZZZZZZ

ZZZZZZZ

ZZZZZZZ

ZZZZZZZ

ZZZZZZZ

LAZYBOY RECLINERS attack Mushroom Kingdom. The (aliens?) recline in their LaZBoy [Profane word here translates to “Doots”] and bombard the M.Kingdom with large sound waves (See Heli Attack 3, “Soundwaave”.) in the shape of ZZZZZZs

ZZZZZZZ

ZZZZZZZ

ZZZZZZZ

ZZZZZZZ

LAZZZZZERS which then continue to separate the castle of said [“Female Dog”] before shooting huge [“Buttocks”] chains into the nice circle around the castle which was conveniently made by said lazers going “LAAAAZER” into the ground to make the nice circle around the castle which was conveniently made by said lazers going “LAAAAZER” into the ground to make the nice circle around the castle which was conveniently made by said lazers going “LAAAAZER” into the ground to make the nice circle, etc. until said castle is airlifted UP UP AND AWAY (insert manic drug-induced spree here- otherwise begin marathon of “Death Dice Overdose” :/)

Somehow, while UFOs coast away into the DEEP DARK SKY, Mario gets ON THE CASTLE AND DOESN’T FALL OFF. A few seconds after the previous statement no longer becomes true, Mario gets BLASTED OFF THE CASTLE AND SOMEHOW FALLS OFF BECAUSE HE GOT BLASTED OFF THE CASTLE BY AN ANGRY TURTLETHING WITH A BLUE ROBETHING AND A WANDTHING. MARIO FAINTED! DOO DOO DOO DOOOOOOO (ominous theme ensues).

After his untimely demise, the player discovers that Mario did not in fact come to an untimely demise, which is a pity because it would have been interesting to see Mario slowly be pulled into the evil gravity of THE EARTH and then transform into a freaking comet thing while burning to a CRISP HAHAHAHAHAHA (Sadism leveled up! DOOODODOODOODODODOOOOOOOO!)

…Anyway, for some unknown reason, Mario is ALIVE and DID NOT burn up into a crisp. He is met by a BUNNY who leads him to another 2 BUNNIES who then decide to play tricks with Mario’s mind by screwing up the climactic fun of the situation by playing HIDE AND SEEK. Several captive bunnies later, a hax cutscene unfolds containing explicit content. This is marked as “explicit” as the ridiculousness of the situation in said cutscene will most likely SHRIVEL YOUR BRAIN because of the genericness.

Skipping several minutes later, Mario enters a “dome”. The dome promptly explodes because said “Terrace” seriously dislikes colour red. Darn. Mario is not affected and dome promptly regenerates 0.1 seconds later. Black “Luma” begins lecture. Mario gets headache. MARIO SMASH. Mario points at a blue “sling” star. Mario floats. Mario sees a galaxy. Mario shoots himself into: GOOD EGG GAAAALAXY.

Very small black fine print: “Goomba infestation currently in progress”

After seeing the words, “WELCOME TO THE GALAXY”, Mario immediately embarks on a HEROIC ADVENTURE SPANNING YELLOW SPINNY THINGS until HE REACHES THE BOSS. This turns out to be a walking egg. Mario pisses off said egg of doom by smashing into it. Egg gets mad. Mad egg is MAD. MAD MAD MAD, the egg goes and subsequently evolves into a “DINO PIRANHA” thing and goes rampaging around the small planet hunting down a Mario, who spins into it round, sphere tail thing which, after several subsequent attempts, causes the thing to suffocate and explode into a power star. Mario continues to collect power stars until he has 120 of them. Then a Luigi comes out of nowhere and has to collect the same 120 stars. Again. After that, both plumbers must overcome teh evil easiness hardness of the world of GRANDMASTER GALAXY or something like that. Hurrah?

Then the game has no more playability…

[The article ends here.]


A Few Idiotic Thoughts About Super Mario Galaxy; Noone Cares Obviously (This Includes Somebody And Nobody -.-)

Super Mario Galaxy is a game, unlike Wii Sports, which may or may not be a demon in disguise  :O

The reason that SMG (OLOL?) is a game, unlike W(insert three letters here that create an insult, namely U, S, and S)Sports, is that it can be generally more or less agreed that it is a game through a variety of traits held by other “games” and also a lack of traits shared in the only non-game I know, a.k.a. WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE Sports.

Game Trait 1: Plotline. SMG’s Plotline goes something like this, for all of you people who are not up to date with Ninny-tendo games and/or are people who behead others who mention any Nintendo-associated words, as shown below:

King You: Ahem. *Reading the charges* As recorded in this document, you said the word “Mario” in my presence three days ago. Do you admit to this crime?

Person 1: What do you mean? I never mentioned Mario in your pre… waitaminuteohfu-

Royal Executioner: *beheads Person 1*

King You: Next on our list of [:<AP{W{:A?F?JWA] charges, we have you, Mister I. D. Iot. You have been accused of uttering the word “Luigi” on Royal Grounds.

Mister I. D. Iot: What? I never said “Luigi” on-

Royal Executioner: *beheads Mr. I. D. Iot*

King You: Next…

Returning to the sacred (read: trashed) plotline of SMG, THE PRINCESS THAT APPEARS IN PRETTY MUCH EVERY MARIO GAME GETS STOLEN BY THE MONSTER THAT APPEARS IN PRETTY MUCH EVERY MARIO GAME RIGHT IN FRONT OF MARIO’S EYES AND MARIO GOES OFF TO SAVE THE UBIQUITOUS PRINCESS BY GOING TO THE UBIQUITOUS MONSTER’S HUUUUUUUGE CASTLE (Where the heck does Bowser get the funding to build his castles? O.o) WHICH IS ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS REALLY FAR FROM WHERE MARIO STARTS FROM. The main difference from the SMG plot and pretty much every other plot (Luigi’s Mansion had a different plot, admittedly, but that was a Luigi game, not a Mario game) is that 1. it takes place/in OUTER SPACE/IN YOUR FACE/NAO WASTE MY SPACE RACE, DISGRACE AND WASTE OF SPACE, I’LL FACE YOU WITH A MACE IN A GIANT SUITCASE/etc. (Yes, there are space races in SMG. And they MOSTLY are not particularly fun.), and 2. you are able to fly to galaxies, in which “fly” refers to being launched several thousand lightyears via star-shaped object that is orange. Wii Sports does not have a plotline. This may be good in some circumstances due to the fact that the Mario plotline is somewhat similar to the Touhou one (Mario: Get Peach, Touhou: Fix Unprecendented Serious Affair), but OTHERWISE IT SUCKS.

Game Trait #2: A Large Array Of Unlockables And Secrets

Wii Sports had exactly 15 unlockables, if you count the “pro” status an unlockable (it unlocked a higher difficulty 0_0), and they were not exactly difficult to achieve, barring the pro statuses. In SMG:

  1. Every galaxy, minus the starting two galaxies, must be unlocked,
  2. Once a galaxy is unlocked, there is only one mission available at the time (other missions are unlocked by completing the previous mission)
  3. After getting every star, beating Bowser again, rescuing Peach, and sitting through the cutscenes and the credits (120 stars is a lot, the credits are long, blahblahblah), you unlock LUIGI’S CAMPAIGN. This is the same as the regular campaign except Luigi is slightly faster than Mario (‘Eeeere we go!), slightly higher-jumping, and has sliding issues. And after you finish another 120 stars as Luigi boy, you unlock ANOTHER galaxy for both Mario and Luigi, which has (drum rollorollorolloroll…) -DUN DUN DUN (Zelda tune for opening an important chest)- one star each. Apparently, it’s hard, but I have only 108-ish stars as Mario :/

Game Trait #3: Controls Of Not Sucking So Much

SMG’s controls are fairly natural. Wii Sports are not so natural.

AND NOW TO THE THOUGHTS OF IDIOCY

IMHO: Hardest Boss In SMG: Bowser (Center Of The Universe)

Before mentioning all the goody-goody-gumdrops stuff in this category, I would to note two things:

First: A boss, in most games, is a boss that actually has a lifebar (in at least a few video games, this bar is not present amongst common enemies); usually this bar is 1. red, and 2. longer than yours (In Touhou, you don’t really have a lifebar…). Also, the boss is usually defeated through the exploitation of a weakness that it has, the boss attacks in patterns, and the weak point is a part of these patterns. Note that the weakness is not so much a weakness than a flaw in the boss’s defenses, as bosses are usually invulnerable to anything but attacks to it’s defense flaw; a “flaw” is more accurate than a “weak point” due to the fact that bosses usually take many exploitations of these flaws to actually be defeated (Nintendo games are the exception, not the rule: most Ninny-tendo bosses take ONLY THREE EXPLOITS).

Second: Most say that Bouldergeist (Ghostly Galaxy) is the STRONGEST (No, Cirno, you (9)), but I personally found that the final fight with Bowser was the difficult boss fight (One: you don’t care about my opinion. Two: I finished the Daredevil run in like three tries.).

[Must replay this level to refresh my memory, will update later]

IMHO: Easiest Boss In SMG: Topmaniac (Battlerock Galaxy)

This guy is almost as wimpy as Petey Piranha (in the first galaxy), but for variety’s sake, it’ll be Topmaniac of the Topman Tribe. T-Man looks like a UFO.

Basically, T-Man has RAZOR SHARP EDGES. His only attack is a slow dash that is no faster than his regular movement speed (he leans forward and makes pretty sparks appear on the metal floor). If you touch his sides, you’ll take DAMAGE, a BAD THING that causes GLOBAL WARMING (joking; it actually, in heavy doses, causes Mario to have what looks like a migraine). So what can we DO? Hmm. T-Man appears to have a VULNERABLE, FLASHING RED SPOT on his HEAD, which unlike other bosses in SMG with head vulnerabilities, is not incredibly high off of the ground. What will Mario do?

—–

[     Fight    ]  [     Bag    ]

[Plumbers]  [     Run   ]

Bag: You have no items!

Run: You can’t run from a trainer battle!

Plumbers: You have no other Plumbermon!

Fight: [     Spin    ]  [   Jump   ]

[Run Into]  [Sepukku]

Mario used Spin! But it failed!

Mari used Run Into! But it failed!

Mario used Sepukku! Mario fainted!

-RESTART-

What shall Mario do? Say “Jump”, kiddies! *pause*

Mario used Jump! It was super effective!

—–

After Mario does a jump and lands on T-Man’s head, T-Man retracts his sharp spikes and turns very docile. As the arena is surrounded by a ring of electric wire, Mario only has to spin T-Man into the wire! (T-Man does recover after a fair amount of time if he is not zapped.)

“BZZ-ZZ-ZZ-ZZZ-ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ-T!” goes T-Man. T-Man jumps and lands in the center and releases three yellow, small tops. These tops, encountered earlier in the level, cannot directly do damage to you (…), but when they dash at you, they bump you backwards and stun you for like 1.5 seconds. They are killed by spins. T-Man, after his first round of electric therapy, does not change. Mario does some more jump-and-spinning, and T-Man gets his next round of zapping. This time, T-Man DOES NOT CHANGE HIS TACTICS AT ALL, but he releases RED, MEDIUM TOPS. These tops can also not do damage to you unless you jump on them, in which case you will take damage because of the fact that they have a spike on their heads. After doing the smack-on-the-head-and-zap-you-dead routine for the third time to T-Man, he blows up and releases A POWER STAR, which ends the level. Wimp.

IMHO: Most Obnoxious Level In The Whole _ _ _ _ ing Game Of SMG: Mario/Luigi Meets Luigi (Toy Time Galaxy: Purple Comet)

This is, IMH(and biased)O, the evilest level in SMG. Let me describe it.

This map is a remake of the Toy Time 2nd mission (Mario/Luigi Meets Mario), in which you are walking around on a huge, pixelated Mario made out of fairly large squares of lava (red pixels), disappearing tiles (green pixels), and rotating tiles (yellow). Mario/Luigi basically just runs around the “planet” of himself/his brother picking up 5 silver stars, making a power star, which ends all your troubles for the stage :D

In this stage, you are forced to pick up 100 out of 150 purple coins, most of which are inconveniently placed. The tiles have been changed slightly, as well. Instead of having the lava for red, which allowed you to bounce around with a flaming pair of pants multiple times, the lava is changed with what apparently is floating antimatter. Upon touching antimatter (note that this antimatter is acting more like quicksand), you drown in anitmatter. And on top of it all, you have a time limit that doesn’t happen to be very generous. To recap: about 1/3 of the tiles (green) disappear, and then you fall into a black hole if you don’t move quickly (usually to an adjacent green tile), which kills you. Another 1/3 of the tiles cannot be stepped on at all (purple), and will kill you, and the other tiles are yellow tiles that SLOOOOOOOOOOOOWLY turn and are very hard to stay on. In other words, hell. On a Luigi. IN OUTER SPACE! (I haven’t finished it yet >.<)

IMHO: Easiest Level In SMG: Painting The Planet Yellow (Flipswitch Galaxy)

Easy peasy. With some planning and the ability to jump, you basically walk on all the blue tiles, turning them yellow. Done quickly, it takes about 2 minutes or less. Note that there are spiked platforms, electric fences, and an shockwave generating robot. However, the planet is pretty small, and the galaxy has an exact, grand total of one planet and one power star. Note that the electric fences are easily jumped, the spiked platforms pause frequently, and the shockwave generator also makes waves that are easy to hop. Also, there are two coins on the planet, which heal health. Easy star.

A Note About Comets

All the major galaxies (having 3 main missions, two comet missions, and one or two secret missions) can be visited by “Prankster Comets” after progressing to a certain point in the game. There are 5 types of comets, most of them obnoxious.

  • Cosmic Comet: On the given galaxy, you race a Cosmic Mario to the star on a map. Usually there are no enemies. This is obnoxious due to the fact that you must perform almost perfectly to beat Mr. Cosmic, which is hard. Also, Cosmic boy is about the same speed as you, so catching up is very hard. Annoying.
  • Speedy Comet: On this galaxy with this comet, you have a time limit to finish the mission. This isn’t usually that annoying, but I HATE TIME LIMITS D:<
  • Daredevil Comet: This entails that you must complete a portion of a mission in the galaxy (usually a boss) with a maximum health of exactly 1. You cannot extend your health with a life mushroom, nor are there any coins to boost it up. This is very tense and is not recommended as a substitute for yoga.
  • Fast Foe Comet: The least annoying of the comets; all enemies move faster. Like Daredevil Comets, this only affects a specific portion of a mission.
  • Purple Comet: A display of the developer’s lack of creativity at creating comet names, the purple comet is one of the two comet missions for every major galaxy. Basically, you collect 100 purple coins hidden everywhere on the map. Sometimes there will be a time limit or extra coins. These rank just below Cosmic Comets in terms of evil. These comets are unlocked by completing the mission “Gateway’s Purple Coins”. Finding every coin requires a very accurate knowledge of where all the secrets on each planet are, which is precisely why IT IS OBNOXIOUS.

And thus ends this post.