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The Purpose of Zero

The truth is, zero has zero purpose. (Recently, zero’s purpose being within itself has caused a tear in the space time continueum of earth’s atmosphere, unleashing an army of deranged lepricons with light sabers) Some argue that Zero’s purpose is in fact to prevent anarchy in the world where as others argue that its purpose is to cause anarchy in the world.

Zero = Anarchy: Those that believe the number zero is to create anarchy amongst the world are known as Crackpots. None of their points have ever been validated, because nobody gives a damn about what a crackpot has to say. Crackpots often point out that Zero is responsible for 1000’s of suicides each year. Their research shows that these suicides are often commited by teenagers struggling with the concept of there being nothing where there once was something.

Additionally, Crackpot research shows that 21% of Zero Suicides are by middle aged women who never settled down to have children and as a result have very saggy Zeros between their legs which take on the image of a Walrus on crack. Of course, none of this research can be validated because, quite frankly, who would listen to a Crackpot? If you see one, do both it and the world a favor by killing it before it molasts a lamp without a lightbulb with the switch on. (Which nobody wants to see). The only way to kill a Crackpot is with a stake knife and chokery using an arcade token.

Zero = Peace: People that believe Zero’s purpose is to keep the peace are called Zero Peace Fanatics. The General Public has always been highly confused by this name, believing that Zero Peace Fanatics are obsessed worshipers of religious fruit and wish to rain used condems upon the earth to create global terror. (Most people ignore these accusations and simply state that Zero Peace Fanatics are ‘just a global threat.’ Zero Peace Fanatics are in fact, very peaceful people with absolutely no lives. They live at home eating jelly beans and their only social activity is getting together with penguins to have apple dunking games. What all this has to do with anything is still a mystery. The Zero Peace Fanatics hope that one day we will all find Zero in our destinies and be at peace with everything. Zero Peace Fanatics believe that Apocalypse Zero was a God-like prophet sent by a giant Zero shaped warp storm located near the ‘dwarf planet’ Pluto [AKA: Circularly challenged sphere].


Creation of Zero

In the beginning there was something. That something being absolutely nothing. Therefore, Zero has existed since the beginning. Zero’s existence within a state of non-existence caused the big bang. Man began life in the ancient lands of Mesabeginia. Humans were very simple creatures with very complex psychological problems concerning the existence from non-existence that would cause religious warfare to rage on for thousands of years.

Men were very competative by nature and would often have competitions over how yellow a banana was, rock collections, and number of tetris games won. These competitions were very important to the men, however they had no way of keeping records because they were unaware of numbers.

After many great wars and complete anihalations of a variety of cultures a solution was discovered. Competative records could be kept on the amount of fingers people held up. Highly honored people known as Dumba**es would witness an important competition and keep record of the scores on their fingers. They would continue to hold their fingers up as long as the winning competitor continued to pay a weekly fee of tubby custard. Over time, each finger (and thumb) was given a name. The first finger was named One(Wan) after a very lonely Chinese virgin who lived in the mountains. Two(Tew) was named after a couple of side by side turds with faces drawn in them. Three, four, five, six were just random baby names pulled from a lottery and seven, eight, nine were chosen in rememberance of the horrible case of cannobolism when a very strange and hungry man named Seven ate an ugly woman named Nine. Ten was actually called Ben after a very famous general’s son, but Oscar Wilde changed it to Ten because Hitler kept getting laughed at trying to say, ‘I vant to drop Ben Bombs!!!’

Over time, the losers of very humilating competitions would sneak into the houses of the Dumbasses and cut off their fingers so that there would be no proof of any record. (Rather bizarly, anyone who tried to bribe between 10 000 BC and 2000 BC would burst into flames) Dumba**es who’d had their fingers cut off would often say, “I have no fingers” or “The count of my fingers is none”, but people went into a frenzy of anarchy because there could not possibly be a number for having no number. Tens of thousands of wars were fought over the holy grail which supposadly contained the almighty ‘!number without a number!’ At last an unknown man named Apocalypse Zero came along and stopped what is now known as the Apocalypse of Zero. He claimed that this number without a number was in fact, Zero (named after himself) which he stated as either the loss of everything or the gain of nothing. (Or for the mathamatically challenged: The rim of an oval next to a 1) But in all seriousness, 0 was invented in India. So yeah, thanks.


About Zero

Zero is the value of nothing, but zero is not nothing, because the value of nothing is the value of something which means that nothing is something and something can’t be nothing without being non-existent which is imposible without the ability to un-become, which of course does not mean destroy, because to destroy is to make something into nothing and we’ve already gone over why something can’t be nothing since nothing is something. You have just witnessed the number zero, as in, you have zero clue as to what you just read and never will, because the amount of facts in that statement are Zero.

Zero is the value of nothing, although Zero is not equal to non-existence, because zero most certainly does exist despite the fact that it does absolutely nothing to contribute to society. There have been many attempts by Christian groups, AA, and the Back on your Feet Foundation to get Zero back into the working world so that it can make something of itself and accomplish something asides from nothing.

The shape of the number zero was decided by the Zero Appearence competition held by Jesus Christ when he got bored of walking on water and decided to do something just as equally pointless, but even more awsome. The winner was a retarded talking carrot who simply submitted an oval with the center cut out of it.

Zero resides between negative one and postive one.

Zero is also a place holder. It will hold people’s place in line ups if they have to go pee. Unfortunately, reserving your spot with a worthless number is not very effective.

Quite remarkably, Zero’s presence to the right of any number makes it worth 10 times as much. (Including the number ten itself) Therefore, the fact of reality is that as long as you have something (no matter how small and near valueless it is) the presence of lots and lots of worthless items next to it increases the worth. For instance, a pen might not be worth much by itself, but put a melted thimble, a pile of ashes and a bird without wings next to it and suddenly you’ve got a priceless model of the earth and its populance in 20 years.