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Posts tagged “Weapons

HELL-O: (Hourai’s Evil List of Lethargy on O-New) Awesome Weapons in Games Part 4

I’m running out of ideas~  ‘~’


Number 3: The Black Hole Generator (HeliAttack 3; PC (Flash))

What: This huge-*** gun does not shoot bullets. It does not shoot missiles, bullets, lasers, boomerang blades, corrosive goo, sparks, or shotgun shells. No. See “Why”.

How: Something along the lines of what makes pretty much every freaking gun work. HAXSHENANIGANSANDEVERYTHING. Who really cares, though? IT’S AWESOME.

Why: It shoots black holes. This is no microscopic LHC black hole producer. This makes BLACK HOLES. This kills anything on screen. Excludes you. Screen shake added! This black hole is like 5 yous tall. IT RIPS THROUGH HELICOPTERS LIKE BUTTER KNIFES THROUGH BUTTER.


Actually, the BHG does not create all the bullets, arrows, or grenades in that picture. Those were there just for show. The ominous black shadows in the middle of all this is a BLACK HOLE that will ABSORB all those loverly things into it, thus removing all the lag. The arrows specifically prove that that guy is EIRIN

Numeros 2: The Experimental MIRV (Fallout 3; PC, XBox 360, PS3)

Yeah, we already did a post with a weapon from FO3.

[grand, epic speech]





Because this is awesome. Also, to hell with the “Why:” and “What:” and “How:” columns.

Earlier in this game, you will occasionally find a “Fat Man” off somewhat tough enemies. Remember Hiroshima? Yes, references are great UNLESS THEY’RE HISTORICAL in which case [hyena] THEY’RE HYSTERICAL [/squeaking]. Even earlier from that point, you will notice items referred to as “Mini-Nukes”. Also, these items are quizzically organized in the “Ammunition” category. You may, at this point, wonder what these ammunition items are for, excluding selling (these are rare and sell for a LOT). That is where the Fat Man does. It shoots these mini-nukes. To hell with this “mini-” prefix, these things make pretty big explodershuns. AND THEY HURT. The only problems with M-Ns:

1. They are rare,

2. They can hurt you with their insane splash radii, and

3. They are not as big as the nuke in Megaton, which is taller AND fatter than YOU (you can’t get fat >.>).

Because of 1., M-Ns run out quickly.

And then the E-MIRV comes in.

The E-MIRV is not so mere as to be able to be found off mere mortal enemies. No, you must (practically) go through HELL (not the Deathclaw Sanctuary, where you can find medic power armour) to find 5 “Keller Family Transcripts”, and then venture through this weird building for a long time until you reach a freaking terminal that will only let you past with the passwords in the transcripts… AND THEN YOU FINALLY GET THE MIRV (with bonus nukes!)

What is different from the Fat Man and the Experimental MIRV? For a start, the E-MIRV is more powerful. How art thissa a-being a-possible-a? After all, the Fat Man shoots a NUKE. Hint: Shotgun rain with radioactive properties.

This is no mere shotgun that fires a petty 3, 4, 5, 6, or 3.1415926535… bullets. No. This fires 1 WHOLE MINI-NUKE.

…Of course, we were talking about the Fat Man back there. The MIRV shoots 8 nukes. HECK YEAH. You have like a 50% percent chance of killing yourself every time you fire the [PROFANITY]ing weapon, just because of splash. Awesome sauce is awesome, shotguns, and Experimental MIRVs. I’m sure the only thing it CAN’T take out in one shot is Liberty Prime >.>

Number 1


Dramatic pause

Imperial March music here

Number 1: The Smash Ball (Super Smash Bros. Brawl; Wii)

Yes, you’re prolly thinking about how a glowy orb not much bigger than Sonic’s oversized, bobblehead-esque head can be better than

  • The Rock-It Launcher (#10)
  • The Last Word Spellcards (#9)
  • Mario’s Boots (#8) (These might have been higher up if not for the fact that they didn’t have spikes)
  • The Seeker (#7)
  • The Kasimov SNV-E99 (#6)
  • The Chandelier of Awesome (#5) (Also want spikes for this one)
  • The Portal Gun (#4)
  • The Black Hole Generator
  • The Experimental MIRV

But it is. Because it’s

  • A pair of gloves with magic pixie dust (Mario)
  • A forcefield (Luigi)
  • A pair of drums (Donkey Kong)
  • Three tanks (Fox, Falco, Wolf)
  • A electric field of hell (Pikachu)
  • An upgraded laser cannon (Samus)
  • Poke-Steroids (Short-Term) (Jigglypuff)
  • Mutation (Temporary) (Ganondorf)
  • Power Level Over 9000-ers (Lucario)
  • A Jetpack (Diddy Kong)
  • Dragon Drugs (Yoshi)
  • A racing vehicle (Blue Falcon, GO!) (Capt. Falcon)
  • A mob (King Dedede)
  • A suit of armour (Zero Suit Samus)
  • More Steroids (Longer Lasting!) (Bowser)
  • A set of ink blobs (Mr. Game and Watch)
  • A critical hit (Marth)
  • A flaming sword (Ike)
  • A Helicopter (AC 130?) with a Grenade Launcher (Snake)
  • A Pokemon Rare Candy Bundle (three quintillion, ten quadrillion, three hundred eighty five trillion, twenty-eight billion, four hundred ninety-five million, eight hundred seventy-four thousand seven hundred fifty-one Rare Candies rolled into one! *Temporary Effects) (Pokemon Trainer)
  • Two Bows with A Light Arrow For Each One (Zelda and Sheik)
  • A rocket ship (Olimar)
  • 7 “Chaos Emeralds” (Sonic, you jerk)

Etc, etc. Course, them’s not the REAL names, but STILL.

I mean, that thing is all of those things. Most notably the tanks.]

And that is an incentive of awesome.


HELL-O: (Hourai’s Evil List of Lethargy on O-New) Awesome Weapons in Games Part 3

A highly flawed list; Part 3

Number 5: The Chandelier (You Have To Burn The Rope; PC (Flash))

What: A chandelier. Yellow. Has candles. One Hit KO’s all enemies*.

How: A relative of Mario’s shoes. Unleash the power** of this weapon through the obtaining of an unknown*** tube-like object of dark beige hue with Oxygen wasting properties****. In addition to acquiring the sacred***** object of power**, another mysterious requirement must be fulfilled before the absolute, deadly surge of power from this annihilator. Many efforts from renowned****** archaeologists have merited the discovery of a cryptic message detailing supposedly detailing the wonders of this weapon of mass destruction. Advanced******* expert******** cryptologists********* are hard at work, striving to decode the language of this message. Theories of how the Chandelier works********** have arisen recently with the finding of the message.

Why: Credits song is better than Still Alive.

*: Or enemy. **: Damage currently undefined. Order now! ***: The fire on the wall. ****: The torch which the fire on the wall is on. *****: Only sacred to worshippers of Chandelierism. ******: Not necessarily renowned. *******: Not necessarily advanced. ********: Not necessarily experts. *********: A.k.a potheads. **********: Gravity.

Number 4: The… (Uh…) Whatchamacallit… Thingamajig…? (Portal; XBox 360)

Er… what was it called again? Ummm… (*checks Google*)

What: The WCMCITAMJ, better known as the ASHPD, from the [handspasm]AKJFGHALFGUHAFVB A8G8RG;afaY8EWAGRY ARSDGU9430T GA9ERI;df’aGF IJVAHJJBVDAFN[>.<]VIDAJOSJDIVADH[/handspasm]science laboratory*, is able to make wormholes from here to there. While not exactly able to (gore-filled moment with livid description), it has proven among the best in destroying cameras**.

How: Shenanigans. Hacks. No idea.

Why: You can teleport with this thing. If you had a knife, you could just portal behind your target and start shanking. Also, you can pick up really heavy cubes with this thing.

*: Aperture Science Laboratories. **: There’s an XBox achievement for destroying every camera on every level. A camera gets destroyed by being shot by one of your portals.

Still more s**t is a-coming.

HELL-O: (Hourai’s Evil List of Lethargy on O-New) Awesome Weapons in Games Part 2

Another list. This part has weapons 8 and 7.

Number 8: Footwear (Mario Series)

What: Shoes. >.>

How: Gravity. >.>

Why: You can kill anything in Mario games with a jump. Except for spiky enemies and Boos.Kills bricks. Kills Goombas, smashes Koopas, kicks their shells around. Flattens buttons, somehow makes him wall jump efficiently, etc. Are those normal boots?!?

Number 7 &6: The Seeker and the Kasimov SNV-E99 (Singularity; XBox 360, PS3, PC)

The Seeker

What: The Seeker fires explosive rounds. Pity it’s not automatic. You’re probably thinking at this point: “WHAT?!?!? A LOT OF WEAPONS HAVE EXPLODERING ROUDNZ ADN U PIKKED THS SHT!?!?! ITS NOTT EVNE AUTOMATIC>!!?1!?!!1111/!?!” First of all, there is no need to think in capital letters (thanks Dave Barry for the joke) and poor spelling.

How: Play the game and you’ll eventually see it. Iunno how it works, but it has something to do with E99, which does random stuff. This random stuff includes creating the freaking Flood (y’know, from Halo), creating Time Kufc-like situations in which TIME GETS SCREWED UP AND THE FUTURE GETS CHANGED BY TIIIIIIIIME TRAVEL, and making awesome weapons.

Why: You can steer the bullets. AWESOME SAUCE. These are like horizontal PREDATOR MISSILES (YES YES YES BOOM), except you get more of them. Granted, they lack the splash damage radius of said Predators, but they remain OHKOs against regular grunts.

The Kasimov SNV-E99

What: Your (almost) standard sniper rifle. Powerful…

How: More E99 shenanigans. Otherwise your standard sniper rifle.

Why: You can SLOW TIME when you use the scope. How awesome is that? It also happens to OHKO grunts.

Ok, I put in three weapons when I said I’d put two. I lied. Sue me. More parts coming in the future.

HELL-O: (Hourai’s Evil List of Lethargy on O-New) Awesome Weapons in Games Part 1

Because I like making up abbreviations, this is a “HELL-O”. I was thinking “HELL”, but this, and possible other installments may not fully pertain to elements of Subterranean Animism or Phantasmagoria of Flower View or [Big Word] of  the [Obscure Adjective], etc.

As mentioned in the title that happens to be in font upwards of twice the size of this font, this HELL-O is about Awesome Weaponry. By the way, this is a top ten. Awesomeness is not necessarily judged by destructive power. Also, as I have not played every game in existence, there will be better weapons. Also, I am aware that people will not agree with me on all counts.

Number 10: The Rock-It Launcher (Fallout 3; PC, Xbox 360, PS3)

What: The Rock-It Launcher is not a rocket launcher. It is a miscellaneous-junk-that-is-otherwise-useless launcher. The RIL can be loaded with any items in the “Miscellaneous” category of your inventory. Items shot can be picked up, and will arc.

How: Various schematics (four or five of them) for this awesome weapon can be found throughout Washington, D.C. You can buy one of these schematics from Moira Brown in Megaton, although it might cost you a fair amount of caps. You can do this even if you blow up Megaton, because Moira Brown will STILL BE ALIVE, although she’ll be a ghoul.

Why: The creativity of this weapon is above and beyond. It also provides the developer with an excuse to create the ability to pick up random crap and SHOOT IT AT A FOREIGN HEAD IN VATS. For awesomeness, I personally think that death by high-speed teddy bear would really suck, because those hurt. Or plunger. Or garden gnome… I was personally thinking of shooting one of those conductors, or maybe those pilot lights…

Number ⑨: Last Word Spell Cards (Touhou Project 8: Imperishable Night [Touhou Eiyashou]; PC)

What: Danmakudanmakudanmakudanmakudanmakudanmaku. Times THREE HUNDRED OR MORE. One-hit KO danmaku! OH YEAH! Aside from that, Last Word spell cards can only be played in Spell Practice mode. There is a spellcard for each character (includes Ex-Keine).

How: Unlockable by completing certain criteria. Only 5-6 are easy to unlock, and none of them are too easy at all to dodge.

Why: I can’t beat any of the 4 that I’ve unlocked: Unseasonal Bug Storm (Wriggle), Blind Nightbird (Mystia), Emperor of the East (Keine), and Lunatic Red Eyes (Reisen). Mostly because I suck.

I’ll present number 8 and 7 in Part 2.