2012 Summer Anime Preview

You know how our season previews go. There’s a basic formula to all of them. First, a summary, then a picture, then a disclaimer talking about how I stole all this information from other blogs, and then the actual post, written by me, Mushyrulez, all by myself.

WELL GUESS WHAT?! WE’RE SWITCHING THINGS UP A BIT THIS YEAR. How?

Firstly, there WON’T BE A PICTURE after a summary which is this summary which is this sentence and the sentences immediately before and after this. In fact, THERE MAY NOT BE ANY PICTURES AT ALL!!!

Secondly, there WON’T BE A DISCLAIMER after a picture because, wow, we’ve actually done NO research this time!! That means no embedded chart, no witty quips, no snide references to MAL, no NOTHING AT ALL. Since there’s something. You can’t have nothing if you have something, which is why we don’t have nothing. In fact, this new preview is so much worse than older previews that we recommend you just read the older ones instead!!

Thirdly, there WON’T BE ANY TRAILER LINKS because we’re too lazy to go search them up for you!! I know, simply horrible, right? WRONG, because it takes you lazy ducks all of ten seconds to go search ‘generic fanservice shit anime #101 trailer’ on YouTube while it takes us thirty to embed said trailer onto our page. No, we’re not being hypocritical, we’re being hyper-critical. Of your laziness.

Finally, we’re not going to spend thirty million hours writing this post and adding stupid ‘potential’ ratings so that we can publish it before we’re ten weeks into the season. Thirty hours is enough.

Dark red-coloured text is written by redball (redball = red-black) and orange-coloured text is written by Mushyrulez (mushrooms = orange). We’d have more variety in our season previews but az and flare aren’t participating, so…

This is what happiness energy does to people! Go spread the happiness!

Binbougami ga!

At the expense of the people and things around her, Sakura has earned so much money that she has caused a financial imbalance in the world. In order to return balance to the world, the American Government sets out to take away Sakura’s ability to earn this money. Will the American Government be able to put a stop to Sakura’s moeny-making abilities (PSSSST THIS IS A PUN ON ‘MOÈ’ AND NOT A TYPO AT ALL), or will the American Government succumb to her bribery? I’m definitely watching this show, except I’ll replace every reference to ‘happiness’ with ‘money’ and all will be well and fine and good and golly gosh gee. P.S. having greying hair =/= great looks. Unless they meant GREY-d looks.

Blood Lad

Blood Lad is an THE most awesome manga and I know this because we blogged it here at O-New for six months and BY THE HOLY MOTHER OF H.G> WELLS WHY IS THIS ANIME NOT AIRING THIS SEASON ARRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. YOU GUYS BETTER CATCH UP ON THE MANGA RIGHT NOW BEFORE IT AIRS BECAUSE IT IS ~FABULOUS MAX~

Tari Tari

This is the melodrama of choice for the season. Everyone seems torn on whether this is HanaIro 2 or just Generic PA Works X. Calm down, everyone. It’s your standard dose of teenagers trying to figure out love, failing miserably, then realizing that they’re teens so in the end nothing matters. Is it formulaic? Yes! If you hate that formula then skip this and only watch it if one of The Cart Driver writers tells you its okay. I’m watching it.

Chouyaku Hyakuninisshu: Uta Koi.

It’s an anime about ancient poets. WHO DOESN’T LOVE ANIME ABOUT ANCIENT POETS. It’s like, Chihayafuru + Hyouge Mono, and both happen to be like, really good anime even though I haven’t watched one full cour of either one. So, to refill my hipster-historical-seinen-anime-watching tendency/respect-level meter I must engage in the ritualistic reception of liberally interpretative Japanese culture. P.S. this anime may contain possibly tasteful romance that isn’t between angsty 16-year-old teenagers and female cat-warrior-goddess-miko-aliens or whatever

Jinrui wa Suitai Shimashita

It’s like this but with a more current critique on society:

Chitose Get You

I thought Yuru Yuri’s second season was cal-oh? Is this about a sexually precocious kindergartener and a blue-haired pedophilic pedant? *backs away QUICKLY*

Sword Art Online

Remember when I said that Blood Lad was THE most awesome manga? Well, I was telling the truth but SWORD ART ONLINE is THE most awesome light novel. I know this because my brother told me about it last season. Then again, he said that Highschool DxD was THE second most awesome light novel so I don’t know if I can trust him… but fuck if I’m not blogging this along with 93% of every other Generic Episodic Anime Barf™ in existence. P.S. Same novelist of Accel World

Kokoro Connect

A love tetragram version of Freaky Friday. Everyone thinks this will be terrible. I’m not inclined to disagree. The question is: Will it be a watchable kind of terrible?

Natsuyuki Rendezvous

Doesn’t matter if it’s good or bad, doesn’t matter if it’s josei or shounen, doesn’t matter if it’s hentai or action, I don’t care. If it flops, it’ll be interesting. If it [insert opposite of ‘flop’ here in the third-person tense], it’ll be interesting. One word, folks: noitaminA.

Campione

A hole in one? MORE LIKE A CAMP IN ONE!! HAHAHAHAAHahahaaaaaaaaa this is funny because scamp is camp. I don’t even know what Campione’s abouttttt~

Muv-Luv Alternative: Total Eclipse

In an alternate timeline where we are at war with unstoppable aliens hell-bent on wiping out our entire race we are left with only one hope: girls in shiny, skin-tight, form-fitting flight suits with Brazilian cut crotch guards. It’s a pity, too, since in the alternate timeline there’s apparently been a breeding program so that all girls will have breasts as large as their heads by the time they’re 15. The fan service in this isn’t even as classy as Queen’s Blade. Against all my better judgment I’m going to attempt to watch at least three episodes of this to appease the random assholes out there who claim MuvLuv is the best thing since self-slicing bread robots.

Koi to Senkyo to Chocolate

The anime’s title roughly translates to ‘Love, Erections, and Chocolate’. I’ll pass on that.

Moyashimon Returns

MORE LIKE MUSHY-MON RETURNS

Yuru Yuri ♪♪

This show is absolutely pointless and sometimes it’s offensively dumb. I watched the first season and gave it a low by my standards 4/10. Yet, the only memories I have of the show are positive ones, except that I can’t wash that quasi-rape scene out of my mind. Add all of this up, and its the show I’m most excited to watch yet I have zero expectations for quality. Also, I tried to buy rum raisin ice cream today and the store didn’t have any. This doesn’t bode well.

Kyoukai Senjou no Horizon II

Remember when I said that Sword Art Online was THE most awesome light novel? Well, I was telling the truth but Sword Art Online and Blood Lad both PALE with the AWESOMENESS OF KOUKAI SENJOU NO HORIZON, the GUARANTEED ONE-HUNDRED-PERCENT SUREFIRE HIT OF THE SEASON even though I gave it a 3/10 last season even though that means nothing BUT I AM BLOGGING THIS TO THE END AND NOBODY CAN STOP ME except drunk drivers who might chance upon myself whilst crossing a dark intersection in the dead of night

Closing Thoughts

Of course, such a small selection won’t be enough for us, so I’ll definitely check out the first episodes of Hagure Yuusha no Estetica, La storia della Arcana Famiglia, and Dakara Boku wa, H ga Dekinai. (yes, that period is part of the title and this ‘to’ is purposefully uncapitalized) to laugh at Japanese animation companies and their wish-fulfill-ful pandering to neckbeard otakus/[insert derogatory adjective here] fujoshi when I realized that America has Sweet 16, and by Madoka NOTHING is worse than that